I feel like oneitis is thrown around a bit too often here. In Models, Mark talks about overinvestment... which is very much the same thing except it makes more sense. That is, oneitis implies you are stuck on one girl while over investment implies that you are simply putting too much thought into one (or more) girls.

That said, I'm in a weird situation that's making me thing... what underlies over investment (and/or oneitis?)

A few years ago I was going through a breakup with my first real girlfriend. Perhaps salient to this situation is that she continued to live with me, telling me she loved me and essentially acting like my emotional girlfriend for a year and a half after we broke up. Essentially we spent far too much time together, and could cuddle and even occasionally hit second base.. but no sex.

Now for the actual thought provoking situation!

In the meantime, maybe 6 months into that mess, I decided to see an escort named Emily. The thing is, I feel like we "clicked." Emily was beautiful, nerdy, smart and fun to talk to and essentially everything I could want in a woman. I even think she enjoyed the time with me, as she never ended our session... almost two hours after I had paid for I realized I was going to be late for something and had to leave. I drove home crushing on Emily even though I was still madly in love with my ex, knowing I'd go home and end up cuddling with the ex and feeling like I wanted to marry her. (Long story, really.)

That was nearly three years ago. I never saw Emily again despite always wanting to. She's in Canada, and unfortunately shortly after the first time I got a DUI and could no longer enter Canada... and she priced visits to the US higher so it was prohibitively expensive. So long story short, I never saw the escort again.

Ok, whatever right? I spent one afternoon with a girl three years ago... so why am I talking about oneitis or over investment? Well, she just "retired." At least I assume so, literally all mentions of her on the internet have been deleted. Her websites, her twitter profile, instagram... the only thing I can find is a couple guys replying on twitter saying they'd miss her.

This saddens me. I missed out. I wanted to see her again. I'm over invested.

But why?

I know the standard PUA response is GFTOW, which to be fair I haven't done... but I have been approaching more girls and I have been seeing a local escort and a local "masseuse" both of whom I like. Just... not to the same extent. I've had a crush on at least two other women in the meantime. Why does none of that supplant the memory of Emily?

To make things even stranger, I never actually had sex with Emily. I have problems with ED, psychologically sex causes me anxiety so we mostly just "frolicked." I have had sex with the escort I'm seeing now, and gotten a few happy ending massages with the body rub girl.

So... it isn't the sex. It isn't that she's the only girl I've had feelings for. What makes her special, that I kept googling her and I'm upset she's retired after only one afternoon?

And that makes me think: Where does oneitis or over investment really come from? Sure, maybe GFTOW will cure it... but what causes it?

That is, I could be overinvested in my local escort. Or in the body rub girl. Both are hot, and have given me more orgasms. And I was emotionally unavailable when I actually met Emily... but something broke through that miasma.

Investment comes from perceived value. When Manson says a man should always be just a little less invested than the girl, he means your investment in yourself should be higher than your investment in her.

If you were truly invested in yourself, you would realize that any kind of relationship with a prostitute is asinine, and surely you could do better. She probably quit because she caught an STD.

I personally think oneitis comes from trying to fill some kind of emptiness inside. This person may or may not have it but you get that sense of connection and you crave it once it's gone. I've been particularly good at getting even the most "independent" woman to succumb to my charm and overinvest in me. It's never been made apparent as to why but once you get to know someone, you just tune in to the "emptiness" that the person feels. You "fill" it and that's when the other person starts to become invested emotionally in you.

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Escorts are people too, and she was a pretty high end escort at that. Statistically speaking prostitutes are actually less likely to catch STD's than girls you sleep with at clubs, because they understand the risks better and are more adamant about using condoms.

That said, I was never seriously thinking a relationship could happen. I'll grant that I fantasized about it, and even asked her out... but I never seriously thought of it as a possibility. I have the same fantasies about the escort I'm seeing now, only with her I don't feel the same.

And that's really the question, why does one girl cause more over investment than another similar girl? (I'm just using escorts as examples because that's what I was thinking about. The same question would apply to a friend I had oneitis for vs. the last couple girls I actually dated.)


This might be on the right track, but doesn't address the "similar girls" part of the question. Unless you think Emily was good at "filling" that emptiness?

No idea what you're trying to say with that, I never mentioned being nice to anyone...