DAY 66: reflections on what motivates me (and what doesn't).
Analyze this! Meet Daniel's disturbing ego.
This post is a result of a long reflection about myself, and what motivates me in general. Shortly after my first success with British Girl, I've been through the usual AFC phase. Yet this time it's different.
I'm struggling to stick to the plan... I'm back to my old habits. I am in danger. The only thing I've been doing seriously is mediation actually. I've been meditating every single day for more than one month now. But when it comes to approaching, working out, ... nothing. I've been lacking of motivation. Laziness, mental masturbation, doubt, insecurity... these symptoms started to show up little by little and affect my game and life (even though I kissed two girls and am full closing one currently). Since my goal is to become a successful man, I need to take a closer look at this issue and find what is a source of motivation to me. Here are some questions I tried to answer.
=> What is truly motivating me?
=> What kills my motivation?
=> What's the reason of these post-milestones AFC phases?
On another note, I've been asked lately why journaling was helping me so much... This post is the perfect example. Journaling allows me to take a step back and observe what I'm doing. It allows me to
prevent me from letting myself go. I hope this post will be a wake-up call, I need it.
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Observing myself.
As I wrote in a previous post, the greater the success, the longer the AFC phase. I really don't like that. I hate the fact that I can show an insane motivation and determination on one day, and be a lazy fuck the day after. The only reason that I've been able to spot in the very first place was over-satisfaction... I'm so satisfied with my success, that I let myself go back on the AFC road. Yet, I think
the issue is way more complex and can be related to other elements.
I've been observing myself for a few weeks now... My objective was to spot several traits of my personality that are recurrent. I came up with several things that are obviously all related to one each other and allow me to better know myself and what motivates me (for good or for bad) or freeze myself.
Needing to impress.
I feel the need to impress people I care about: my friends, my family, my ex... Impressing them is a way to
get validation. It seems that I need them to admit that I (my ideas, opinions...) was right since the very beginning. I
need recognition from them. I feel the need to show them what I'm capable of, especially in hard times, I want them to
admire me. I need to
be perceived as successful. This is obviously
ego related.
On another note, that reminds me of Hobbit's post
41-vt81510.html?start=614 . I don't think my goal's purpose is to impress people around me... My goal is to improve myself. Yet, a part of me needs that recognition.
> Examples:
- Some years earlier, I used to lie to people around me to project a successful image of myself. When I got back from a summer job in Florida, I let people think I fucked some girls there. I was ashamed of the truth.
- I'm really sensible to the "type" of girl I'm dating. I need a woman that impress others. That's why I often think dating an architect, lawyer, Brazilian, Italian, classy, smart, literate... would be awesome. I pay a lot of attention to these details.
> Issues:
- Doubt: am I good enough to impress them? Am I doing right to impress them?
- Neediness: I need their validation.
> Positive outcome:
- Aggressiveness: the need to impress give me a load of motivation to keep going and be the successful man I want to be perceived as.
Falling for over satisfaction.
If you remember well, I've spotted this one quiet early in my journal. Every small success I have brings a state of laziness.
I lose my aggressiveness and have hard time sticking up to the plan. I am so satisfied about myself that I freeze. I end up in a
comfort zone which kills my eagerness to achieve my goals. My
ego is so satisfied that I stop all efforts and become lazy.
> Examples:
- After my first number-closes, I was not proactive at all. I've wasted a lot of opportunities with excuses such as "she did not answer to my text" to avoid calling them and take responsibility.
- After my recent full closes, I've spent a lot of time home, avoiding social interactions.
> Issue:
- Lost of aggressiveness: I'm so satisfied about myself that I lose the aggressiveness I need to achieve my goals. I become lazy.
> Positive outcome:
- Positivity: I'm satisfied by myself, that brings a positive state (yet very succinct).
Being Ambitious.
I have a lot of ambition. I want to succeed in my personal life and in my professional career. I love to learn and generally want to be good at what I'm doing. I want to be a
successful man and be perceived this way. This last element is also
ego related.
> Examples:
- This journal is a perfect example of the determination I can have to get good at something.
> Issue:
- Scattered state: It's really hard to focus when you want everything. I'm having hard times setting up priorities.
> Positive outcome:
- Aggressiveness: my ambition brings me motivation and aggressiveness to achieve my goals.
Being scared of disillusion.
I'm afraid of realizing that I am
not being able to realize my dreams and aspiration. Simply doubting about myself being able to do something is enough to scare me and kill my state. Realizing that my dreams are
unreachable is a nightmare to me. A reason to explain that is that my
ego realizes it won't be satisfied.
> Examples:
- Sometimes I doubt being able to find a job that I would actually like, or to have a rude awakening about my dreams of entrepreneurship. It scares the shit out of me.
- I also doubt being able to find "the one"
- My worst nightmare is to be trapped in a job/life that I don't want at 35yo.
> Issue:
- Doubt: it creates a lot of doubt when it comes to what I'm capable of achieving... Am I wasting my time? I won't ever be able to do this or that...
- Fear: this fear really scares me and urge me to find a "better than nothing" comfort zone.
- Neediness: doubting of myself makes me needy. I'm needy to this girl since I won't be able to find better.
> Positive outcome.
- None.
Hating being a loser.
I really don't like to be the
loser, even though nobody's competing with me. I like to be the winner, the one that impress, the one that succeeds. I'm not speaking about losing in basic games, but about life in general. Sometimes I just
don't like to see others succeed because it reminds me that I'm not succeeding. My pride gets hurt in the process (which can be good sometimes). Again, it's
ego related.
> Examples:
- I've been at a huge party Saturday night. I was in a really good mood until two of my friends manage to approach two HB9 and made out with them. Thoughts started to invade my mind and kill my positive state. "The others must be wondering why I'm not trying to make out with some girls too, they gotta think I'm a loser".
- Seeing that my girlfriend had a boyfriend a few weeks after leaving me hurt my pride, I was the one who lost. This event brought me to the game. I could not stand being a loser anymore.
> Issue:
- Doubt: it creates a lot of doubt in myself, and in some rare cases, it makes me freeze.
- Neediness: I'm dependent on the others.
> Positive outcome.
- Aggressiveness: my pride (sometimes) give me the motivation to react.
Needing inspiration.
If something doesn't make sense, I won't be motivated to do it. It's pretty obvious. Yet, when I'm inspired by something I can have an insane motivation to achieve my goals. The
inspiration (in) moves me forward to achieve my aspiration (out). When all the pieces come together, I don't doubt anymore.
> Example:
- This journal helps me making sense and inspires actions. Thanks to my journal, I can align my goals, my actions and my purpose.
> Issue:
- Freeze: when I'm not inspired anymore, I tend to freeze and stay in a comfort zone. I let myself go.
> Positive outcome.
- Aggressiveness: being inspired give me an insane motivation.
- Clarity: inspiration allows me to create sense out of what I'm doing. It aligns my goals, plans and purpose.
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Resolution.
As you can see, a lot of these elements are strongly related to my
ego. Nevertheless, I won't fall for the usual "I need to dissolve my ego" thing. Let's be honest, being in the game for the ego is not a positive thing. The ego is needy, it needs approval and makes me scared of going for it sometimes. Yet, my ego is also what drives me sometimes, it urges me to take action. I don't think getting rid of all these "traits" I've discovered about myself will take me somewhere... My pride got me into the game. It gives me the aggressiveness to achieve my goals. This reflection allowed me to better understand myself and what motivates me. But I still need to answer a new question:
=>
How can I channel my ego to give me the aggressiveness I need to achieve my goal and cut the negative things coming from it?
It's a hard question and I would be glad to hear some insights about it. Yet, I might already have the answer to that question. Inspiration. That's the only element that is not related to my ego. It allows me to do something by passion and align my "ego" spikes towards the right direction. Having a plan also definitely helps channeling since it gives me a direction and inspiration. That's the only thing that I see for now.
Coming next.
- A practical plan to achieve a practical goal.
Thinking about all that allowed me to better understand some negative parts of myself.