Funny, living in the moment is associated more with 'feminine' energy according to most literature, if you believe that sort of thing.

Arch, if males are so goal focused then that'd run counter to living in the moment as goal planning and executing require holding onto some sort of an objective to achieve - far from what it means to be present, or living in the moment.

I'm sure you're intelligent enough to separate the context of living in the moment with your social life, and planning strategically for your career.

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So I can see both sides of the coin, and I think a little bit of both can work. However, there is a difference between stating your needs at an appropriate time in an appropriate manner vs. being needy. I think the real difference is that you can be persistent with your needs despite the outcome vs. persistent in the outcome despite your needs. If you're unhappy with the current status of a relationship I think it behooves you to maturely approach the other person and explain your unmet needs,with the goal being your needs being met either with that person or someone else. Now a month in is a little soon, i admit, but I think it's a good landmark to gauge the survivability of a relationship (Are you compatible? Do you both want the same type of relationship? Is the other person serious about fostering a relationship? Are they worth your time/effort/money?).

I like this girl, and I think she's worth it to at least approach and explain what I want out of a relationship. If she disregards it or continues to not meet my needs then I have no problems finding someone I can be fulfilled with. There is a masculine and needy way to approach this. Masculine being casual but assertive in your needs while giving her space and time to work on it, vs. Needy being passive aggressive or whiny about your needs while smothering her to fulfill them.

Arch's approach works for initial game. Be casual, be unavailable, show value, have them seek you out. But once there's investment by both sides, and you want to see that investment flourish, I think you need to start making it clear what you want. If you just keep putting up the act of being cool and uncaring, but deep down unsatisfied it'snot going to last very long.

This approach works because there is always an uncertainty involved. "He's hanging out with me but I don't know if he really likes me," mentality from the girl. For seduction, it's great and I can find no fault in it if what you are looking for is temporary because it is a boundaryless relationship when it comes to the man's desire but the woman is able to keep all of her boundaries. She's hit the jackpot because she gets to do what she wants without any resistance. A man that values himself won't let a woman get away with behavior that he doesn't find acceptable. If he is a valuable man, she will conform (or at least compromise) to what he wants as long as it is in reason...that's part of the nature of masculinity and femininity. Femininity always respects masculinity no matter how it's communicated as long as it's reasonable.

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Expressing needs has noting whatsoever to do with being needy.

That said you don't have to verbally approach someone you're dating with "I have a need for intimacy right now, can you please help me meet that need?". A need can be conveyed in a look, a gesture, and you'll know if that need is being met by how the person responds. Often times we ourselves don't know if an action will meet a need until that action is carried through. For example, you have a need for connection and you think it can be met if you received more text messages from your partner throughout the day. You convey to her how you'd like to hear from her more often. She obliges but you realize once she does it's not helping you meet that need.

Needs are moment-to-moment, as are feelings. What you need now may be quite different 1 minute, 10 minutes, 2 hours, or 2 days from now. Needs are present moment based - if you had a need for connection that wasn't meant last week, it would be absurd to ask someone to help meet that past need (unless of course it was re-occuring in the moment).

Through responding to each others needs trust and security, the floorboards and structure of your relationship 'house' are built. When people ask me how does one build trust in a relationship, this is one of the things I tell them. Being RESPONSIVE to your partners needs is how you build trust. When we have those "are you there for me moments", turning to the other and HOW they respond will dictate how the relationship unfolds. Who wouldn't want to know early on whether this person shrugs, shys away, or stays becomes inquisitive as they want to help us meet a need? It's asinine to NOT want to do this. This is how you qualify someone early on to determine if they're worth dating or not.

Arch's approach can't ever work because its ego based and there's no room for building the structure for a healthy relationship. Its like any other PUA approach - designed for short term gain, with little to no connection with the other person beyond the sexual. There's no natural progression or segway from taking a power differential approach to having an equitable relationship which requires a collaborative effort and mutual respect, not out of a fear-based energy but rather out of a genuine interest, compassion, and love to help meet each others needs. There's likely a good reason why he's in his 30s/early 40s and pursuing girls in their early 20s. Most guys in their 30s/40s want to build a home with someone nurturing. Now I am not denying that many guys, from a physical standpoint wouldn't be attracted to younger women. But a guy with standards who has relationship experience are generally more discerning, want someone more mature and of substance beyond concerns as to what type of gel coat design they want for their nails, in school indefinitely w/o direction (e.g. "I m a pre med student"), obsessively and endlessley shopping for the next pair of shoes or purse, want to have something beyond a series of flings. Arch's approach will get you this sort of girl, and these types require little to no work to lure. If this is the kind of experience you want then by all means use this approach. If you're wanting something more than you'd be stabbing yourself in the foot following such advice.

I dont know what "too soon" means in the case of expressing a need. Why wouldn't you want to speak your truth right out the gate? Unless of course you're interested in nothing more than a hookup.

Most guys are so out of touch with their own needs, so they tap dance around using a more passive aggressive approach. Like not walking your girlfriend to the door as she's about to leave as a form of protest behavior. There's nothing worse than passive aggressive behavior to setup an adversarial, toxic relationship with someone.

Hey what's doc,

I didn't go through all the replies, so I'm not sure if anyone else suggested this, but what I hear is neediness.
And honestly, I hear neediness in that you're not being man enough to call her out. Clearly, she likes you. But she is afraid. She is afraid to fully like you because you're being half-ass. I mean that you're waiting for her to take the lead to the next level, and sometimes, as a man, you got to call her out. Especially these days because chicks will try to date like men. Women, after sex, shouldn't be worried about taking it 'slow', they should let it go where it goes. Clearly this chick likes you otherwise she wouldn't of felt the need to tell you that she felt like a prostitute for you not walking her out. She probably has big emotional issues which is why she doesn't feel like she can spend the night over and cuddle with you. She's afraid of being vulnerable as she was probably hurt pretty bad. At first, I thought she only wanted friends with benefits with you, but after her saying she felt like a prostitute, that's a clear sign that she wants more but is afraid to take to that level. You're just nervous because you really like this girl but you feel you can't 'let her know' otherwise you'll blow you're 'alpha' character. Honestly, I think being alpha is owning you're experience as a man. Clearly, you like her, and she likes you, so call her out. Ask her to spend the night. Call her out when she gets upset at you for not walking her out but yet she wants to just hook up and leave. Own the fact you like her, and she will be more comfortable with being vulnerable with you. But if you're not willing to do that, it will come across that you only want to fuck her, which is why she thought you only wanted to fuck her in saying she felt like a prostitute. Take the lead, bro.

This is my strategy now. I kinda threw all my fucks in the air and said I'm going to treat the relationship how I want to treat it. If she thinks I'm needy or its too much then she can leave. I took her out to a really nice restaurant last night. It was a place that I wanted to go to for a while. I bought her some nice flowers as well. We were out pretty late. She really enjoyed the place and the flowers (said a guy hasn't bought her flower in along time). It was late by the time we got back and she had an early morning so she had to go. I didn't stand there and beg for sex. I was also exhausted and pretty drunk so I wasn't crazy eager for sex anyways. I brought up that we should hang out more and she agreed.

So I'm doing a few things people would consider "beta": the flowers, expensive date, forgoing sex. I'm seeing it as an investment to kinda get things on a good track and remove any doubt that I'm in it just for sex. Now, if she continues holding back on sex or starts being flaky then I can say that I gave it my best shot and move on. But i'm hoping that it will help move things forward, but we'll see. I'm still dating other people (have 2 this weekend) so I'm trying to keep my options open. I'll also lay off the serious talk for a bit and just have a good time.

Some things that are still bothering me:
1) She is busy, but I feel like she has more time she could give me. We're only seeing each other once a week. I'm a doctor and pretty busy myself but I definitely have time to see someone more than once a week. We also only live a 10 minute walk from each other.
2) Still wants to take things "slow". Not sure if that's code word for "I havent figured out if I like you yet" or "Im waiting until something better comes along".
3) Still hasn't invited me to her place

You are acting needy, and it's repelling her. That's why I feel Void's "speak your needs" advice sucks for early courtship. Truly strong, beautiful, and independent women will blow impatient and needy guys off without a shred of remorse. They are seeking patient, dominant males.

She sounds gorgeous, and more than likely sexually experienced. She has her pick, socially.



Question for you:

Would you have rather pinned her down and had sex all night, or spent time at a restaurant?

you did too much, too soon. Dinner and flowers are for girlfriends (I have never bought my current gf flowers in 1.6 years, young women could not give two fucks).

Bringing up the next hang-out on the date is insecure game. Live in the moment. You are acting super clingy.



No. Just no.

Do you know how you make a strong woman like this spend more time with you?

Be fucking great in bed. Make it ALL about sex, hard, crazy, freaky, earth-shaking sex.

I've given you this advice before, but you failed to employ it and are lingering close to the Needy Zone. Women like this only respect one thing: being fucked really hard and cumming their brains out. The passion is NOT found in restaurants or flowers or magic fucking carpet rides. It's found in the bedroom.


You're not acting like a dominant male, so she has no reason to give you more time.


She hasn't invited you to her place because she doesn't feel safe around you yet, because:

1. You're not behaving in an emotionally-centered way (your Debbie Downer talk soooo early in the courtship, the nervous energy put out by you because you want more, and she doesn't, your serious overtures in what should be 100% fun, passion, and romance. Hot women are repelled by this.
2. You're not fucking her hard enough/making her cum.

If you are doing your job in the bedroom, a woman is going to want to see you 2-3 week, minimum, not put you on a 1x per week slot. That means she's got other prospects on rotation, as all socially valuable women do. When the women find a dominant male, they adore him, can't wait to see him, blow up his phone and then let the others fall away organically.

Right now, she's acting like a dominant male, and you the woman. Beautiful, strong, and sexually experienced women will kick these men to the curb.

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Yeah I'm a little worried this is the case, but I feel like the stoic alpha thing fucked me because she just thought I was using her for sex. That was a huge turn off for her. So, honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm going to back off a bit and see what happens. I'll date other people and Ill let her initiate contact and set up meetings. But for now I'll just keep it cool. If she's flaky then i'll just move on.

Maybe I fucked up by being impatient, but my last 2-3 relationships moved pretty quickly from dating to hanging out all the time over the course of a month. These were with 9s/10s. So that's the normal pace for me. I'm pretty new to the PUA thing so Im trying it out. For initial romancing its great, but conversion to relationships is tough.

You say you "threw all fucks to the wind" yet your behavior proves to the contrary. You refuse to contend with reality and instead continue on investing time and energy into this hoping she'll one day 'get it' and the two of you will live happily ever after.

Look at your list of "some things that are still bothering me" -- you're outcome focused, doing things FOR her out of an expectations that she'll intuit what it is you're needing and meet those needs. You're looking to her for validation and approval that you're doing the right things and as a result you aren't acting very 'high status' as others would call it.

Worried?

Why are you trying to change yourself to hold onto this woman? What makes you believe she's worth all this effort? Is it worth sacrificing your integrity, all you've worked for, and sense of self for?

Man, I don't know what to do any more. You guys are confusing me. I feel like I can't do anything right.

I totally agree about the "conversion" part.

What you were doing before was getting her to your place at a decent clip. I don't see what was wrong with what you were doing. Not sure I buy that she was horrified you wanted her for sex only. I think had you continued with what you had done before, things would organically proceed to where you want them.

Instead of having the "talk", I would have shown her I cared after sex, in bed. Kiss her ear softly a couple times.

Personally, I'd focus on 100% fun. No more dates for a while, just drinks and sex at your place. If you spend any cash, hit up the local sex shop and get some cool toys that will get her screaming.

Think about your negative to fun ratio. Any serious meta (IE relationship talk and/or complaining) is in the negative column, while sex, orgasms, catching a great buzz, telling secrets post-sex are in the positive).

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Lol you do understand that this is not him speaking his needs right. Its the opposite. He's prioritized HER needs ie showing her he likes her more than sex and has not even spoken what he needs. This buying flowers and no sex thing...no one ever said to do that lol, and he still hasnt said what he wanted. This IS needy.


Wait, wait wait...arch...how are you saying he needs to be patient. What do you think this whole thing is? Thats patience. He's still with the chick and obviously following HER lead and timetable. That's patience. You cant play it both ways. He...is...being...patient.

OP, you disregarded the advice here and you're hoping she gives you what you want. I have nothing against flowers or romance, but this is just you trying to win her over, instead of worrying abt YOUR happiness. Things are worse. You started here sleeping with this chick with some things you wanted differently abt the relationship. Now those things are still there, but sex is gone and you're money is talking.

I can tell you one thing, Arch may know one or two things (at best) about green-behind-the-ears girls, but knows little to nothing about women.