Help! How to believe in yourself? A lack of confidence



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2017 8:52 am 
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First off there's this little book that might be of help: Overcoming low self-esteem, by M. Fennell. It's less a self-help book and more like a "medicine" book. Don't expect nice design and entertaining writing style (though it's easy to read). But it will give you some tools with which to handle your negative self-feedback.

I don't know about SWOT analysis. If you are not able to state several experiences and qualities that make yourself a person of value, ask friends or family: what do you know about me that qualifies me as a special person? From your story, you backpacked in several countries, you're living in a foreign country (meaning you probably speak more than one language), you're strong enough to have survived a past that's tougher than most people experienced... Ask yourself how many people in the world had these experiences. I'm sure you can add a few things to that list.

About negative self-feedback, the first important thing is to ask the alternative questions. If you come to make a negative statement (I'm a fuck-up), ask yourself: what are the evidences (never dated a girl)? What are the evidences against this statement (I'm getting high grades, living in a foreign countries, I'm young and I have many possibilities in life still)? What alternative views are there (I'm actually in a pretty good situation, and I'm smart enough to make it as good as I want it to be), and what are evidences supporting these alternative views (I eat three meals a day, I'm making an effort looking for how to improve my life)?
Thanks for another constructive response Stoliar! The problem is believing in the my qualities others and I tell myself. Being able to find my strenghts is not the issue. So what do you recommend to start believing in compliments, my own qualities, good things what others tell me etc.?


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 5:47 pm 
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All I can say man.... get over it.

You've been through some shit. We all have. Some worse than others. But as you go through this life, it's that fucked up shit that helps form who you are in the future. Learn from it and move on. Not trying to sound too "heady" on you but that's the truth.

All the "masters of the universe" seem to come from some pretty dark places. Figure out how to use it to your advantage.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 9:22 pm 
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Thanks for another constructive response Stoliar! The problem is believing in the my qualities others and I tell myself. Being able to find my strenghts is not the issue. So what do you recommend to start believing in compliments, my own qualities, good things what others tell me etc.?
The way I see it is, you can see your situation in two lights: the way you feel it and the way you rationalize it. People rely a lot on how they feel to understand a situation: when a shop clerk smiles at you, you think "I feel appreciated here, I want to shop more here." When a teacher tells you angrily to stop chatting, you feel fear of punishment and you stop. There is no rationality in these situations, you just react to how you feel.

Problem with low self-esteem is, your "feeling" circuit is dysfunctional. You look at a situation, you feel shitty, and you tell yourself "this feels shitty, therefore the situation must be shitty." With that in mind, one of my biggest breakthrough was when I realized that I could deal with my low self-esteem by telling myself "This is how I feel, but this is just a dysfunction of my mind. What do my reason tell me about this situation?"

Try to notice whenever you start feeling negatively about yourself. It might take some time, but once you start you'll get better at it. When you notice that, tell yourself, out loud if necessary: I have X and Y negative feelings about myself, but this is just a feeling, not a reality. What the reality is, is that people tell me I have A, B and C quality. Reality is that I have traveled to D countries, and I speak E languages. Tell yourself all the qualities you found in yourself and people noticed in you. You might not believe in these, but the more you repeat them to you, the more you will.

One other thing, I did notice in the past how some circumstances would trigger negative feeling. I would be between two sex friends, I'd bump into that gorgeous woman at the gym and wouldn't have the guts to talk to her. Or sometimes I'd end up the day very tired and with no friend to meet afterward. And in each case I'd feel like shit. In these moments, I would make a point of reminding myself: I do not feel like shit because of who I am and the situation I am in. I only feel like this because I bumped into that woman and didn't talk to her, or because I am exhausted. Learn to know yourself and understand which situations are more likely to make you feel negatively. Maybe you can start now, look at when in the day, on which days, in which circumstances, you feel the worst?

Summing up: negativity is just a state, not a reality. Learn to catch these states in flight each time they hit you, look at them for what they are (a feeling and not a realistic picture of your situation), and analyze the situation using your reason, not your feelings.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2017 4:35 am 
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How often did you approach at that time and how often do you recommend to do it?
You fight through and do it as much as you can muster each day.

In my (very) early days, I'd struggle to get through 2 or 3 direct cold daygame approaches in an entire 2 or 3 hours out

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 8:54 pm 
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Quote:
Thanks for another constructive response Stoliar! The problem is believing in the my qualities others and I tell myself. Being able to find my strenghts is not the issue. So what do you recommend to start believing in compliments, my own qualities, good things what others tell me etc.?
The way I see it is, you can see your situation in two lights: the way you feel it and the way you rationalize it. People rely a lot on how they feel to understand a situation: when a shop clerk smiles at you, you think "I feel appreciated here, I want to shop more here." When a teacher tells you angrily to stop chatting, you feel fear of punishment and you stop. There is no rationality in these situations, you just react to how you feel.

Problem with low self-esteem is, your "feeling" circuit is dysfunctional. You look at a situation, you feel shitty, and you tell yourself "this feels shitty, therefore the situation must be shitty." With that in mind, one of my biggest breakthrough was when I realized that I could deal with my low self-esteem by telling myself "This is how I feel, but this is just a dysfunction of my mind. What do my reason tell me about this situation?"

Try to notice whenever you start feeling negatively about yourself. It might take some time, but once you start you'll get better at it. When you notice that, tell yourself, out loud if necessary: I have X and Y negative feelings about myself, but this is just a feeling, not a reality. What the reality is, is that people tell me I have A, B and C quality. Reality is that I have traveled to D countries, and I speak E languages. Tell yourself all the qualities you found in yourself and people noticed in you. You might not believe in these, but the more you repeat them to you, the more you will.

One other thing, I did notice in the past how some circumstances would trigger negative feeling. I would be between two sex friends, I'd bump into that gorgeous woman at the gym and wouldn't have the guts to talk to her. Or sometimes I'd end up the day very tired and with no friend to meet afterward. And in each case I'd feel like shit. In these moments, I would make a point of reminding myself: I do not feel like shit because of who I am and the situation I am in. I only feel like this because I bumped into that woman and didn't talk to her, or because I am exhausted. Learn to know yourself and understand which situations are more likely to make you feel negatively. Maybe you can start now, look at when in the day, on which days, in which circumstances, you feel the worst?

Summing up: negativity is just a state, not a reality. Learn to catch these states in flight each time they hit you, look at them for what they are (a feeling and not a realistic picture of your situation), and analyze the situation using your reason, not your feelings.
Is this also how you deal with excessive worrying, do you use something else for that or a combination of methods? Often I just have the feeling I need to do something, that I can't relax or take it easy and that something bad is going to happen while I consciously can't think of anything that worrisome. Do you recognize this? Any advice which may help?

How do you recommend to begin approaching girls for the first time? I have done it a few times, but then stopped for a while. However, I am eager to continue, but of course nervous as fuck to walk up to a hot female stranger while knowing I am not that great at small talk. So what is your advice on how to begin approaching women, and to have better conversations in such a setting.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:33 am 
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...again, start small. Don't go out trying to get laid at first. First go out and do the rookie challenge - go say hi to women. Say hi while standing up straight, holding eye contact as you speak and being in a positive mood. Do that over and over until it doesn't faze you. Then try to have a minute long conversation over and over and over.

Same system as the confidence thing. Gee, it's almost as if linear progression is a good overall tool when trying to do anything, from pickup to weightlifting.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2017 3:29 pm 
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Is this also how you deal with excessive worrying, do you use something else for that or a combination of methods? Often I just have the feeling I need to do something, that I can't relax or take it easy and that something bad is going to happen while I consciously can't think of anything that worrisome. Do you recognize this? Any advice which may help?

How do you recommend to begin approaching girls for the first time? I have done it a few times, but then stopped for a while. However, I am eager to continue, but of course nervous as fuck to walk up to a hot female stranger while knowing I am not that great at small talk. So what is your advice on how to begin approaching women, and to have better conversations in such a setting.
You see yourself that you acknowledge how your feeling of worry has no basis. Just repeat yourself over and over that there is nothing worrisome you can think of, and say out loud all the things that are proof that you shouldn't be worried ("I've been in worse situation and I got out alright" or "I'm confident that I can get myself out of any difficult situation").

As for starting approaching, I would first have you be comfortable in social settings. If you're not confident that you can go to a party where you don't know anybody and make some friends there, then don't bother starting to approach women in the streets. Start looking up at social events in your area (meetup.com is a good source) and go there, as much as time and money allows you to. Read "The Charisma Myth", and apply what you read to these social situations. Once you're comfortable in going to any crowd and starting talking to anybody, you'll realize that doing the same to anybody outside these events require the exact same social muscles. Then you can look up other books to see how to interact with girls specifically to seduce them.

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