I was recently reading an amazing post by wolfwood about reward and punishment in a relationship and somebody brought up how communication is also important.so my question is how do you tell the difference between a situation that calls for communicating your problems and one where you should just withdraw your affection?


For example: last night my gf was with a friend and she went m.i. a. On me from like 9 to 12 and then texted me saying she fell asleep and was really sorry.i believe her for various reasons but still didnt wanna Return that behavior by being super sweet to her so today ive been a tad bit cold.nothing serious or mean ive just been staying in my work and havent been quite as interested or affectionate.i feel like communicating how i feel somewhat disrespected over her disappearing for just a few hours would make me look crazy and its really not a big deal, i simply dont think i should be too affectionate after that or she might think its cool to blow me off.what do you guys think? Should i just communicate with her about it? And how do you tell when to communicate and when not to?

I think you are doing it too big, was only 3 hours, worry when she cut you off for 12-14 hours and still can be a good reason for what she cut you off for those hours. but yes tell her how you feel she has to know don't keep it in let it out is healthy on a relationship to let the other half know how you feel.

If it was the first time she did that you shouldn't worry much. It could be true she fell asleep.

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Maybe you were worried that she was with a friend (probably male friend) that night and weren't comfortable.

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You're actually correct. Withdrawing your attention is not a punishment like smacking her nose with a rolled up newspaper, it's simply not rewarding her.

Pouting and whining about it isn't very manly either.

Women /girls have terrible inner clocks, she's going to fuck up the time table here and there. No biggy, just don't REWARD her for doing it.

Reward her for sucking your dick, or making a sandwich, you'll get more dick sucking and sandwiches.

DON'T reward for tardiness, you will get less tardiness.

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Christ almighty make up your mind between

1) You think it's not a big deal, so don't act like a passive-aggressive sissy

2) You think she blew you off, so discuss with her about how you felt about it

Haven't read Wolfwood's post, so would appreciate a link, but as far as I know being passive-aggressive is one of the big fucking mistake of most couples.

I was having this girl in bed and we were discussing about the best sex in our lives and what we liked about it. Then I went down on her, and while I had my head between her legs she went on talking about how amazing that other dude made her feel. What do you think I did? I FUCKING TOLD HER that I'd appreciate she doesn't do that, and that I was ok to discuss about past experiences but that when we'd be at it I wanted it to be just her and me, even in our mind. No passive-aggressive bullshit, no reward or punishment. Just calm discussion.

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Sure verbalize, my point about punishment is not to reward her. "That's okay" bullshit mentality. No passive aggressive anything. So many guys just kissing girl ass all the time.

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A whole three hours?

You're acting weak and emotionally-uncentered. Stop smothering your gf before she dumps you.

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Fair enough. I had almost forgotten some dudes out there don't act rationally...

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So you agree the other posters i should still verbally let her know when things like this bother me? Its not too trivial to bring up? Also, in the original post wolfwood stressed that she shouldnt know that your intentially not ewarding her with affection as it defeats the purpose.wouldnt verbalizing this give that away?

What behavior dont you want to reward? How does a chick go M.I.A? What is bothering you about her not talking to you for 3 hours? Trust? Missed her? Disrespect? How. If you're going to verbalize something bothered you, at least be able to say why or how. In summary, what is your problem with what she "did"?

Reward/punishment is the best way to create a violent relationship.

If you're connecting and have transparency in your relationship, there won't be any need to use reward or punishment as the two of you will be clear about needs. If the other person isn't willing to meet those needs, then you find someone who is (or find some sort of a compromise).

Most people using rewards/punishments are completely clueless as to the long-term damning effects that approach creates.

It's not passive aggressive behavior, its just direct aggression. I can share the reasons as to why later on after my clients.

What do you mean she went missing from 9 to 12? You mean she just didn't text you back for 3 hours? I don't know you guys relationship or what the "norm" for you two is, so i can only say that that sounds like a bit much to me. And if its not, i could see it becoming tiresome shortly.

How long have you guys been together. And whats the normal flow of communication like?

Im going to assume that her not replying for 3 hours is inconsistent with how she normally behaves or that you may be feeling a shift in your gut about her that may be triggered by either you or something she's feeling about you. But i wouldn't make a big deal over a one time thing. Now if she's on several occasions she deviates from what was once "normal" we may be talking something different.

All that can be said here though is that ONLY YOU know whats normal and not normal for you two. And only your gut knows whether this was intentional or legitimate. In my world what you're doing is a bit "crazy", but you're not in my world so i can't hold you to the standard of my world. Perhaps thats what you require from the women you talk to, and if thats truly what you want no one can tell you you shouldn't have it. You'll just need to find the girl that can handle giving it to you.

If you feel like you're being disrespected, communicate it, and if you don't feel like you were understood or if your position was respected then you could consider something else; whatever that something else might be for you. But communication is always a good first steps. Relationships are 80% communication. its the communication that keeps everything going.

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This is all i was asking.most of you guys are reading me all wrong.yes, it was abnormal behavior for her but no im not making a thing of it.and im definetly not being passive aggressive towards her.i didn't like that she didnt text back. But its not a serious problem because im not a clingy guy. However, even though im not being cold in any way, i dont feel much like being affectionate either.im not trying to punish her at all im simply not rewarding her by being all sweet either.if im affectionate even when i dont feel like being that way, its like getting whipped into being nice when she doesnt really deserve it.you guys re focusing on the whole punishment thing when its not a punishment.i mainly just wanted to know if this was too trivial to talk to her about, even if i was just gonna casually say something like" hey why'd ya disappear?, i didnt really like that"