n2thevoid: I don't feel as if she's doing push/pull on me. She was extremely intimate at the the start, crazy clingy and attached but it quickly changed! Why? I think because i started to show some more emotion. Things like hugging her more often then i did before, being overly touchy, noticing her more etc. At the start i didn't really care as much - she was the one chasing. But as i became comfortable i started being less 'alpha'. I thought i could let my guard down a little but that wasn't a good idea! However, that's only part of the issue here, there's a lot more to this!

Define "show some more emotion".

Generally people begin to drop their guard in a relationship, and connect on a deeper, more emotional level. I don't know what "overly touchy, noticing her more" etc means, because a lot of women really enjoy being touched and noticed more by men they are attracted to.

This "being less alpha" narrative you're creating - I am not sure how much of that is fiction, and how much is based in reality. I know what you are trying to say here 'I became needy', but that is based on her current behavior, and it isn't clear to me with the info you provided that this is actually the case. Remember being DEPENDENT in a relationship is a healthy thing - if that person is responsive to you. Being CODEPENDENT, conversely is not.


She hasn't told me specially of her independence. I get the sense that she's that type of person and others who know her agree.

You do make very good points on the 'withdrawers' - something to think about!

Update:

The day we were meant to meet came and passed with no contact. As mentioned i wasn't going to contact her as it would show i wanted to make it work. She did mention on the phone call last week that she would be very busy with having family over from overseas (which is true). I was busy the entire day as well but a text at least would have been nice.

Passive aggrresive behavior will never get you close to being int he ballpark of creating healthy relationships, with anyone. So instead of having texted her and been direct with your need(s), you instead kept quiet and played a game.

I finished work very late that night and caught the bus to go home to change my clothes for a house party that was on. On the bus i bumped into her SPAM who was on his way to see his girlfriend which was weird! We spoke and he asked if i was going to contact her. I said maybe later tonight and that i was occupied with other things. He mentioned that she'd talked about me and she "really likes me"! He also mentioned the last time i saw her, after i left her house she spent hours talking to her friend (his girlfriend) about the relationship and trying to figure it all out. He is also good friends with her ex boyfriend from a few years ago and told me of the issues they had - said she was "different" to other girls.
I didn't ask about her and acted chill about it all.

This was yesterday - today still no contact. The urge to contact her is there but i know i won't. I feel she will contact me in the next day or two. If she suggested a day to meet i will make sure i'm unavailable and suggest another time that works for me. Hopefully it doesn't end like this with permanent no contact!

By show more emotion I mean the things I mentioned. But also as an example we'd talk more about our feelings (the serious talks). When we're out as a group my focus would be on her more than others and having fun. Early on I did none of this but as soon as I started I could feel attraction dropping.

I think I needed to be more easy going and less serious for a little longer. 1 month in is when I started caring as much about the relationship as her. I guess by then the chase was over. I should have slowed down on dropping my guard.

The point of no contact here is to show I'm able to walk away. I'm not needy or clingy - my entire life doesn't revolve around her.

I want to give it another try but do things differently, more on my terms. It could also be that I'm looking for closure on this. If it's not going to work out I want to end it in a good way because we'll see each other a lot as we have many mutual friends.

The point of no contact here is to show I'm able to walk away. I'm not needy or clingy - my entire life doesn't revolve around her.

I want to give it another try but do things differently, more on my terms.

She's not the type that's emotionally mature enough to date exclusively OP. The signs were there, you just misinterpreted them for something positive. They were not.

JackZero: I've been through that before and have ended previous relationships for similar reasons. But in this case we'd known each other 3, almost 4 years now. I know the type of person she was so didn't get many surprises. She also knew me well and we'd dated for a while before becoming exclusive.

Neo: The day after she didn't contact me (yesterday), I'd moved on. I've already started talking to other girls and getting back in the game. Just wanted closure on this.

JackZero: I've been through that before and have ended previous relationships for similar reasons. But in this case we'd known each other 3, almost 4 years now. I know the type of person she was so didn't get many surprises.

I do want closure - mostly because we have so many mutual friends who think we're still exclusive and I don't want it to look like I've cheated or anything. We all go to the same bars so I also want to avoid awkwardness. If we both agree to end it then that's cool.

Simply tell the friends you guys are no longer together. "Closure", in the way you speak, is just another way for you to hold onto the attachment. This is a rouse. Who cares if she agrees or not to end it. If someone says the sky is pink, it doesn't change the fact that it's actually blue - you move on rather than insist they're wrong and get caught-up in the sideshow.


That situation is standard and I've seen it before. It's pathetic. The reason I won't reach out is because it will make me look like I need the relationship, which I don't. I WANT it (because we get along so well etc) but have no motivation to chase anymore. My old self would be writing her paragraphs of text to logically explain why we should be together, saying I miss her and all that stuff. I've learnt from that and won't go down that road again. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

You do want a relationship with her, that's why you're not letting go. You should never have to put this much effort into something - she doesn't want a relationship in the same way you do and your ego perpetuating this clinging behavior.

I'm not "waiting" for this - I've started seeing other girls. I just wanted to try something different after taking this break and looking at the relationship differently.

Doesn't matter, its her you still obsess and pine over.

I do understand your points on things changing after the 2 months and looking at each other differently now that we know each other on a difffernt level. All is relevant and helping me to more easily walk away (which is what is happening).


Yet funny enough you refuse to do this.

Like I've said a few times here, I do want her back. I'm not denying that. Am I going to chase and beg? No. Am I going to be depressed and sad if I don't get her back? No because I know these feelings will fade.

I'm usually slow in building emotional attachment. We only been together a few months and I was just starting to get attached. I like her a lot and know she still likes me a lot (from what I've been told a few days ago). I can't instantly just ignore my feelings for her. I can control them which has come through experience but they're still there. I'm smart enough to not get completely attached because I knew from the start there would be challanges. But I thought she was worth it given all the other good stuff about her.

Anyways, still no contact a few days after our intended end of break date. I haven't held back with other girls, went out with a new girl last night. Pretty much just continuing no contact. She still has my bike at her place and some of my other stuff.

The passive/aggressive game is clearly not working out for you both. I think it is time for you to be a real man and lead the way! Arrange drinks, have fun and hook up - It is important that you bring fun into the bedroom and make an emotional connection. Leave early on the next day.

Then let her contact you - if you played it well, she will contact you, wanting more of what she got a taste of that night. If not, then I think it is time to go get some other girls.

That's the plan. My goal is to move away from the seriousness and keep it fun.

Update:

She texted me last night (about a week after we were meant to end the break). The text was several lines long where she said "so you can talk about me and us to my flat mate but not text me for a week?". (Referring to me bumping into her flat mate last week). I responded hours later with a slightly shorter text saying that the ball was in her court to get back to me (as agreed) and I didn't want to go back and forth over texting.

Even though what she said her housemate said wasn't true, I didn't pick an argument about it or respond to it. Kept the text calm and short.

No response since and been a few hours. I've seen many mutual friends over the past 2 days and they know I've started seeing other girls.

I still want to try again with her but I'm a lot more cautious than before! Want to play this carefully.