Hi guys, sorry for the long post and thanks everyone who will take their time to read it, but I will detail things a little maybe you understand better her feelings because that's what is blurry in my head. Also if you have advice what is irrelevant in this post please let me know because I know long posts aren't ok and I want to learn what I can omit.

So about 4 months ago I started to hang out with and old friend I know for like 5 years but we never really hanged out until now, just accidentally met. Since then we started to meet often and often.

I have to specify that she is out of a LTR for about 1yr. I think she is pretty unstable emotionally even if she was the one that ended it.

I felt like she was pretty into me, she told a common friend ("Omg how cool is Doru, I never knew him so well") after we discussed all kind of things in a long car drive. Since then I also started to have a slight attraction for her, but I was not really paying attention to it.

After a while we went to a wedding with our group of friends, unfortunately her ex-boyfriend was there too, I met him like 2 times before. She somehow was paying a lot of attention to me, she was taking photos with me and there were 2 more strange situations which might be worth specifying.
1. She invited me to dance, I refused, then she asked "You don't wanna dance with me?" I told her that I want to dance with her but it would be disrespectful to her old boyfriend. She told me "But I don't have anything to do with him anymore", I told her it's not ok.
2. Later, at some moment we started to have some intense eye-contact while we were all at the table and eating, some people started to notice, but we just couldn't stop staring into each other eyes. It was a little awkward for the others, but man that felt nice . At this moment I was pretty sure I want sth with her, but the conditions (group of friends etc were something that got in my thoughts and I really didn't know what to do)

Next important thing it happened, we got out for a beer (only me and her) and again we enjoyed it very much, we were holding hands etc (maybe a little gay ), after I got home I got a SMS and she told me that she enjoyed that night very much.

Not much after that I called her and her colleague to drink sth with me and my mate at my ap. We played some games, drunk a few glasses of wine, then we stayed on the couch with a lot of kino between us, and the other pair too

There were 1 or 2 night like this with me and her watching movies alone, but I was really not sure what to do (for the same reasons.. our friendship etc so I never taken action). I talked with a common friend of us a little about it, I told her that I started to like Alexandra and she told me that she likes me too but she is pretty confused.

Now the last important thing, is that during the last week we met at my ap and she remained to eat and watch a movie. When she left I kissed her, and just when I touched her lips she started kissing me like she was waiting this for some time . She sent me a SMS "What just happened? " I told her I think it's the nature desire. Then next day I felt her a little distant like she was scared or embarrassed, but I didn't pay too much attention. Next day again we went out with a group of common friends and we kissed all night(when our friends couldn't see us), I drove her home and after we kissed in the taxi she told me we need to meet the next day to talk something.

Next day we went out for a walk and she told me "What are we doing?", I responded with: "What are we doing?", then she told me "This isn't ok, there are a lot of things that will not help this relationship". I told her "What relationship? Let's just see what happens". After a long discussion in which the main idea is that I like her and she likes me too she told me that she's not that kind of girl(to just continue doing this and see what happens) and then she asked me if we still can be friends like before after what happened. I told her I'm not upset on her, I won't run from her, but I can't promise I can change my feelings, that's what I feel.

Anyway this was a long discussion, not trying to convince her, just trying to understand why she don't just go by her feelings. I asked her why is she scared if she feels like she wants this, she told me she is very confused etc. The main idea is that this discussion was like back and forth, I felt her like she wants something, then that she's scared/sorry, and it didn't have like a final conclusion, but the balance was inclined more in that part that she doesn't want cuz she's scared.

At least, at the end she told me that those were the best kisses she had in her life. I told her she can come for more

I am not thinking about having a very long relationship with this girl, but I felt very nice with her and I felt that it would be even nicer if that sexual tension between us will materialize. Maybe fuck buddies, enjoy our common vacations if we're both alone etc.

I became a little distant these days, yesterday her colleague called me to invite me to their place to have dinner (I think she asked her to do this) but I refused, then later she called me and told me to pass by and play some games with some common friends, I told her that I'll come if they come too (they were not sure) In the end we didn't go. Today she called me again to invite me to dinner, I refused and I told her that maybe later I'll pass by with our friends.

I don't know if she's doing this because maybe she's a little sorry for me, or if she's still unsure what to do. And if she feels sorry for me I really don't want her to have these feelings, I better don't see her.

That's my biggest question is she sorry or doesn't she know what to do? How should I act from now on? I could just distance more and more, but I also like the friendship and the group of friends, that would mean running from almost all of them because we do lot of activities in common.

Thanks again for taking your time

Dude, what? She's supposed to not dance with a man because.. her ex is there? What? Her moving on is not "disrespecting her ex", it's normal[u/].


Grab her hand and tell her to follow you outside so grab a smoke/breath/drink. Oh look, it's only the two of you now.

You held hands but you didn't kiss her? Why?


Ofcourse she's confused. YOU are confusing her. Make a move dammit!


Ya think?


Psst, this is the part where you're the man and lead and stuff. Oh and the part where she feels safe following your lead.


About that leading thing..

Look, this is the type of situation you handle with humor and funny deflections. She's, for whatever reason, making a big deal out of it. If you get caught up in that - which you did - she'll confirm it's a big deal. Had you playfully brushed it aside, that would've put her mind to ease.

So invite her over.


She's making some real efforts here. And you're brushing them aside to what? play hard to get?

SHE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE SHE WANTS YOU TO GO BALLS DEEP INSIDE OF HER GOD DAMMIT. She just wants you to be centered and confident about it.

Just go to her place, WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDS, bring a bottle of wine, cook some dinner and for the love of god fuck this girl already. LEAD. Show her you WANT HER. Wrap your damn hand around her throat, slam her against the bedroom door and let that sexual tension go nuclear.

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This all looks like she just used you to make her ex boyfriend jealous. Now she is trying to "calm her conscience". Maybe I'm wrong, but I might be right.
Wait for more responses to see, I'm sure there will be more opinions. (Edit: I mean here on the forum...)

P.S.
One of my best loves was with an Alexandra, to whom I was the first man...

_________________
At elske Een er for lidt; at elske Alle er Overfladiskhed; at kjende sig selv og elske saa mange som muligt [...] det er Nydelse, det er at leve.
Søren Aabye Kierkegaard

Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. That's what you're doing too much of. This girl is into you and you are talking her out of it. If you explain to her why you two should "see what happens", she's going going to give you reasons why you guys shouldn't. That's the nature of holding conversations about feelings...you know...the thing that people tend to want to protect.

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First of all thanks a lot to everyone for reading all that story
I don't really understand what you mean by leading. Did you refer to being more bold with my actions?
Can I repair this? I mean just handle it with humor from now on after already been caught in the trap ?


@Iggy80
That's not really the case and I'm sure of that. She/we don't meet with that guy, it was just that wedding, maybe it was a little the case at that moment, that's also one of the reason I refused her.

@JackZero
Thx for the suggestions, I will try to somehow put that convo aside and never just consider her childish if she ever tells me that again and next time I'll have the occasion I'll jump on her and see what happens lol

That's what I meant, during that wedding... (and even if the ex doesn't see you two, the people/common friends will talk...) And I would do the same (reject her invitation for the dance) not because of her ex, but because of her game. I have seen that generally when you notice something weird, then there is something weird about it, you just have to understand what. And girls play games a lot... And all after that wedding I see as she has conscience and that she still is a nice girl that only had strong emotions for her ex during that wedding, but she doesn't disrespect you neither...

BUT

I don't want to discourage you here, and if you think/feel that wasn't the case (her game), then listen to these two guys because they are telling you good things.

I would like that I was wrong... and I'm starting to believe it...

And excuse my English.

_________________
At elske Een er for lidt; at elske Alle er Overfladiskhed; at kjende sig selv og elske saa mange som muligt [...] det er Nydelse, det er at leve.
Søren Aabye Kierkegaard

No, her ex-boyfriend is really out of the equation, if that was the case at the wedding it was just to make him feel bad, like most of us would be tempted to do sometimes .

I think there are 4 possibilities here:

1. What the guys said, she wants me to show her I fucking want her and to take the lead.
2. She really thinks about friendship and don't want to ruin this
3. She might not really be so much into me (she mentioned sth like: What if u really fall in love with me after 1month and I won't have the same feelings, that would be really ugly and I won't like to do that to you), pretty much related to point 2.)
4. I turned her off investing more in the last period(I watched now the chats since all this started and I saw a tendency of me investing more than I was at the beginning). E.g at the beginning she would kiss me a lot during texts because I was not doing that and not paying so much attention to her, now the situation looks exactly the opposite. But I guess if that would be the case she would have rejected me when kissed her.


BTW When we had that last discussion where she told me that we should stop doing this, she also mentioned that she remembers I rejected her to dance at the wedding, but in a funny way, not like a being mad or sth It was clear that thing made her want me more

I still can't understand what is the psychologic fact behind this and why when we are rejected we start to desire that thing more and more. It always happens to me, actually this might be a similar situation, I wouldn't be here If won't had this desire after I got somehow rejected.

I am sure that if I would have got rejected at the first time I tried to kiss her I would have taken it more easily and not make such a big case of this, but the fact that I knew she pretty likes me and then rejects me wake sth fucked up inside me and I don't understand why.

A much better example was a previous relationship when I was in a situation where I didn't care anymore about my GF and dumped her, then a few hours later I told myself..man maybe she doesn't deserve that and tried to talk to her but she rejected me. Man I felt like shit and suddenly some feelings and desire to have her back woke inside me. I was like: WTF 3 hours ago I didn't care if I dump her and now I'm on the opposite side because she was not responding at my call as I was expecting.

Fucked up minds

As I said, if you feel that's it, then go for it... You have some good advices above...

I am not good at giving tactical advices but I can tell you one thing:
That's what used to happen to me now and then. And I even wasn't doing it to seduce her to have sex, I thought it would be OK to give her some confidence and let her know I like her. That was the only reason BUT it all ended, sooner or later, in loosing her interest in me. If she really liked me a lot, it would take her more time (which is the worst thing: she likes you a lot, you don't have to do much, and you ruin it!!), but eventually they all - 100% of cases (means: no exception) - lose their interest in you. SO DON'T DO IT ANYMORE. It can be difficult, especially if you think a lot, but remember that. Don't do it...
Here I'm giving you first hand, proven advice.

Whether she will like you or not, it's all up to you... As I said, the guys above tell you good things.

Inexperience...

Happened to me too, don't worry, I'm not mocking you.
In any case (I saw that most guys on the forum will suggest you this), successful or not, this will be a good experience for you...



Edit: It means: that here she is leading... She does actions and you react depending on what she did before...

If she initiates eye contact, if she calls you for a dance, than she is leading, but she won't be doing it for a long time (that is not women's nature), because she won't know what more to do (she can't take you out of the crowd), so she will get confused (do you like her, are you playing with her, what is all this, is she acting stupid...).
Leading: Means: kiss her... lead.
etc.

That's leading.

Now read again the posts above except for the mine...

_________________
At elske Een er for lidt; at elske Alle er Overfladiskhed; at kjende sig selv og elske saa mange som muligt [...] det er Nydelse, det er at leve.
Søren Aabye Kierkegaard

P.S.
She looks like a nice girl. At least, nice to you... Which is good.

_________________
At elske Een er for lidt; at elske Alle er Overfladiskhed; at kjende sig selv og elske saa mange som muligt [...] det er Nydelse, det er at leve.
Søren Aabye Kierkegaard

Thanks man for still paying attention to my problem. Don't worry I don't feel mocked, I like to consider I'm a rational male. One of my qualities is that I love critics that get problems I have to the surface so I can fix them. So that is more like help rather than mocking

I am not sure yet how I should proceed but I will try to get her for a walk tomorrow and just go for the kiss at some moment. If she'll apply any resistance I'll gently try to refuse it and proceed, if she still applies resistance that's that, next .

What should I say if she brings in our last discussion ? Should I try to just make fun a little? Like "You're still thinking at those childish things?"

Any more suggestions?

If I invite her to my apartment maybe she'll ask to bring some friends which I can refuse but it might scare her again

It really can not work that way:
- What should I do now?
- Kiss her.
- OK, I will...
...
- I kissed her. What should I do next?

Neither that nor learning all you should do and try to apply it in reality...

I'll compare it to the chess game, you cant learn 5 moves and play them later, because it depends on your opponent too, what he will play and there are thousands of possible combinations. But instead you learn how to play, you acquire* (not sure if the word is correct) certain way of behaving, attitude, thinking. You learn the rules, and here, they are simple, "LEAD". You play the game, she follows. Sometimes with resistance.

Considering tactics, these guys are far better than me, I don't know why they (or anyone else) do not reply anymore... I think they think they have said enough, but it's just obvious that you need more detailed help. But don't expect that someone will give you a formula, and following it you'll win this girl.

Have that attitude - be in charge... You decide what to do, when, how. Of course not in a dictatorship way (they hate a slightest sign of domination [social, not sexual ]), but you will see, she will follow if she's interested.

Only friends work this way:
You: What do you think, we could do it / go there?
Her: Yeah, I think we could (or no...)

YOU DO NOT ASK FOR HER PERMISSION.
You decide what's best. If she really (I mean REALLY) can't do that, she will say it.
I think you should invite her at your place (alone of course ), and not for a walk, but I'm telling you here what the guys above have already told.
If it's awkward now, then you should create the situation and SPAM or reason for her to come. Not necessarily in a day, it might take more days to do it.
When you ask like that it shows that you really do not get the idea... If I tell you "yes", there still could be something more she would say afterwards and you wouldn't know how to proceed...
The thing is - WHAT SHE SAYS DOES NOT MATTER. This is maybe not the best explanation for you, but I just don't find words. The guy above has told you already like "talk, talk, talk..."
Maybe better explanation would be that YOU DO NOT TAKE HER SERIOUSLY, not like a human being, BUT LIKE A WOMAN.

Example:
She insults you and you get that angry that you attack her. This means you take her seriously and you FAIL LIKE A MAN, and not only in her eyes. But if you find a nice way to deal with it with dignity and still do not ruin or end the relationship, then you did it right (watch romance movies hahaha there you could find an answer - joking of course). It can be playfully, or any other normal way you can think up, it's up to you.
This would be a principle (not giving much value to what she says or does), like learning chess. Inside that principle you play the best you know. And playfully and smiling could be the best way, but after all that... you stay in charge... When I say smiling it does not mean smiling like a loser that does not know what to say... It means like you're looking at an angry child...
Now I'm starting to sound stupid but I'm trying to explain psychological things in a foreign language for me. Don't do this to me man, take the responsibility, do something, try to learn the principle and move inside its borders...
Though this I quoted you might be OK to say, but here I'm trying to explain you your mood, not what you should say...

N I'm still there if you need help, but I think you should get the idea now... n I hope there will show up more guys. "Two heads are smarter than one". Hahaha, expression in my language meaning two persons, not what one might think...

Edit:
I saw it only now... Don't refuse them directly. You might say like: "I would like us to be alone, I'd like that we talk / have dinner / watch movie", think up something, I'm sure you'll manage it, better than me (my suggestions).

Good luck! or better "Good knowledge !!!"

_________________
At elske Een er for lidt; at elske Alle er Overfladiskhed; at kjende sig selv og elske saa mange som muligt [...] det er Nydelse, det er at leve.
Søren Aabye Kierkegaard

OP you gotta understand that if you want to get a girl, you have to be willing to lose her.

Don't cross the line into overinvesting territory.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Ok, I think I got the idea, I will just let you guys know how it's working and not ask anymore for babysteps.

Ok quick update on what happened the last 2 days:

During next weekend there will a ski event where both of us wanna go. She is a very good skier and she will bring a group of other good skiers and because of that I thought I should find some other group of people which I can ski with. They will go on hard slopes and I'm not able to cope with them at the moment so I don't want to remain alone there . So I posted a question on the event page to see who's going and find a car to go with. She liked that post and I think she might be a little mad because of her not expecting to not go with her.

Yesterday again her colleague called me, invited me to them, I said I guess I'll come, then invited me to a ski vacation where there will be only the two of us. I think she(Alexandra) is a bit jealous now.

Later she(Alexandra) called me again with the reason that she wants to check If I'll still pass by. I went there, there were already some friends there and I played it cool, not trying to somehow win her or show her something, just teasing her now and then, some eye contact etc. I watched her reactions and a few things happened:

Whenever she had the occasion she would come near me, slight touch me, sometimes walking in front of me showing off her ass lol.
I told her let me show you sth on my phone she immediately came lying near me.
I told I think I'll go buy a beer she said I'll come with you (she had to pick sth from the car too)
I didn't go anymore to get the beer because the other friends wanted to leave soon so when we left she said "I'll come with you to pick my things from the car". I remained a little behind talking with her colleague, then she waited me at the front door while the other friends went ahead. We got to her car and she wanted to kiss me on my cheeks so I just turned my cheek and let her kiss me.
When I got home I saw she liked some song I posted on FB and I'm pretty sure that is not her type of music.

I felt very good and I had the sensation that she's somehow trying to win me back. That's how I was before when she was investing more.

I will leave the town tomorrow so I don't think I will see her those days and I just wanted her to feel a little my absence, let her mind cool down a little and think about me, so I will just ask her to come to me next week when I'll be back

Maybe I should have kissed her at the end, but our friends were there and that would be me pushing again maybe a little bit to soon, like I said I want her to feel a little what she's missing.

Meanwhile I have some tinder matches, and 2 other girls I'm chatting with for a few days.

This isn't news. We already told you she's interested in you.

As some point you need to pull the trigger.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Yes, I will do it no matter happens. Will let you guys know, thanks!