You're throwing lots of assumptions around. Best to have an open honest dialogue with her but that's going to mean you letting go of these assumptions otherwise u'll be coming out of the wrong energy and she'll pick up on it.

I've been in your situation. My ex was like that.

We had A LOT of drama over this stuff.

The feeling that she could just "forget about me" drove me mad at times. And each time after a big fight I would think "ok, she gets it now" and then she would just do it again next time.

I think what Neo is saying is right, you need to really analyse what is going on.

I can't judge if you are in the same situation as I was but maybe these questions can help you:

Are you sure, you would be fine if she would communicate better?
Are you sure that this isn't about you not getting what u want from her, feeling like she can't give you the love that you are giving her?
Do you feel like her behaviour is childish? She is not taking life seriously? All she cares about is getting drunk and partying, while you are trying to make something of your life?
Do you have the feeling that everything she does to make you happy is forced?
Have you tried just letting her do her thing, without you judging on any part? How does she react? Is she overwhelming you with love in these situations? Is this the kind of love you really want from her? How do you feel when you let her do her thing? Does this feel impossible for you to accept?

I had a long conversation with her last night talking about my issues and her issues with me.

This is my conclusion, that I have not told her but, I don't think we can work because we're incompatible. She likes going out consistently and leaving me at home not caring about me, i.e. that lack of communication about her whereabouts. During the conversation she agreed that I was right and I agreed the arguments that I provoke has to stop which is based on my new insecurities. I will give her the benefit of the doubt, I will have to stop giving a shit about what she does, it's sad to say but I really do not care as much as I used to. I have to stop being so negative and taking out all of my anger that I have against her on her. I proposed what can help us is that we need a space to effectively communicate, when her/I has an issue we both need to listen without criticism and come to a resolution.

I see that as the only solution and to just keep myself quite which will stop the BS arguments and just take mental notes, and act upon them. I'm on an extremely thin string with her. I can't take anymore shit. So the next time she goes out without contacting me or coming home in the wee hours of the mornings or whenever I bring up an issue in the most respectful manner and I receive negativity about my issue that I brought up nicely. I know that the relationship is doomed and nothing will change in her behaviors. I will have to end it. She has also threaten to move out and I will just respond with ok, I don't have to tell her in the moment however if she moves out the issue will still be present and I have to drop this girl. I will not let her stop my happiness neither do I want to stop her happiness.

I will keep this thread updated, however I think this is going to be extremely hard work for us to fix this and she's in love with partying and I cannot be her main priority. It's only a matter of time before it will happen again and I don't think I have to wait long so I will wait and see.

Thanks for all your help guys you have all allowed me to see the truth

This relationship is already over. 100%.

That's both my professional and personal opinion.

The threats are usually a huge signal a relationship is doomed, beyond that your'e choosing to remain quiet on your needs moving forward. You're already keeping a mental tab on what she's doing, and see her as an adversary.

Neither one of you are serious about working on the relationship and the conversation you had means nothing, other than confirmation that she's not being responsive to your needs.

You aren't seeing any truth, other than YOUR truth (that you can't feel safe with her).


What will happen at this point is that she'll feel so pushed away that she'll likely cheat (won't take much for a guy to pull her as she has little to lose apart from being kicked out) or simply end things before that happens.


Meanwhile you're saying tough words but if you were so convinced it was over you'd have ended it already (it would not have gotten to this point). You're the more invested one and I'd bet that she'll be the one who pulls the trigger in ending this relationship first, one way or another.

I agree.

Just being curious since this situation reminds me a lot about my ex, could OP have prevented this situation? Or is this just an example of incompatibility (that's how I feel about my ex)?

And what exactly is your profession?

So true.

I dunno why, but for some reason I feel OP is a bigger part in this. I mean, I feel like he's just a boring bf (no offense). Like, OP...there are party chicks sure, but you sound snotty. Are you banging this chick well? Are you having fun with this chick ...going out or anything? If the sex was good and she's entertained at home, that would prob keep her home ALOT more. You say you dont like the friends, well being liked in her social group is important to maintain a healthy relationship. I mean, this is over, but if you go to another chick and the sex life is shit, you're not going out with her, well expect she's gonna pull away and find fun elsewhere. I gotta suspect you're a "lame" BF, because if you were fucking her right and you 2 were having fun, you wouldnt be quick to think she's forgetting you. A party chick would be coming home to you, and jerking your dick awake. This chick is staying out. My guess is, this relationship is lame, yeah she may have been into partying and staying out, but there's no spark. Couples who are ripping each other's clothes off arent arguing about wind chimes. Party girl or not, did you bring fun to her life before asking she give up her source of fun? I say this because you had 2 chances out of 3 to join her with her friends, or have something else planned. But those nights you stayed home and woke up over her. You gotta lead. And if your relationship is just nights at home, most chicks are going to want some actual excitement.

Possibly? Who knows.

One thing's for certain. If he'd spoken clear on his needs earlier on, and set some boundaries around what he will/and will not take then none of this would have happened.

This is why I always urge people to be transparent early on in a relationship (and ya that includes the dating stage). Why? Because that way u'll know wether the person is going to be responsive to you or not. What better time to figure that out then early on before you get too invested in something and end up in a situation similar to this guy's.

Remember that a relationship is a dance. If either of you is out-of-sync and not guiding the other, or at least adjusting, then the relationship become crippled and ripe with conflict quite quickly. If, instead, you choose to see situations as ways to grow together and solve them as a duo then the bond will strengthen.

Hard to say if they were incompatible from day 1. She may be the withdrawer, but there may be a reason she's doing this. For example perhaps she finds his approach too intense and she needs distraction so she ventures out into the night for a reprieve in the drama. Or maybe she's just a touch-in-go type who never lets herself get fully invested and keeps a constant eye out for a new branch to swing on. Who knows.

Incompatible usually means one or both partners aren't willing to hear each other and turn to each other in times of duress. You can have two people with very different outlooks but they find one or some common things to bridge upon and build a connection with.

I really appreciate all of you guys responses and I have read them all.

To reply to all of you, let's talk about the sex, not to toot my own horn however I'm more sexually experienced than she is, there was a point we was having sex every single day, multiple times per day.. Let me further explain she is a party girl and all of her social circle is exactly like her they love to go out and party. I live in NYC, you can't possibly be bored in New York, I'm not the guy to stay at home and watch movies I do enjoy going out to events and travel etc however I'm not the type to go party every chance I get and do whatever comes along with that lifestyle.. There's so much to do besides clubbing every weekend esp in New York.

I'm not being quite to my needs I told her exactly what I needed on a phone call today and what was her response, it was something along the lines out oh we talked about that so why are you bringing it up again, when a female gives you masculine energy it's a guy's natural instinct to fight back. This is how all of our arguments start, as in example for the wind-chime. So what will I do differently stop reacting to anything negative she has to say. Because it will just be this back-and-forth.

She's very immature, I could bang her heart out however she's still and will always be connected to her social circle. There's no balance every time she gets invited to go clubbing, 99% of the time she will go out. Who goes out to a club until they close then heads to work right after. That's just not how I choose to live my life. That's where maturity comes into play. Also I'm sure her friends look at me like damn this guy is taking my party girl away from me.

A relationship is a living and breathing thing, when we first met our relationship was 100x better and it did get worse once she moved in with me. You will never understand a person until they live with you. I thought somehow she could lighten up on all of her activities and put the relationship first. Damn guys am I alone here pleaseeee tell me what guy would be comfortable with his girlfriend going out every week, and no the answer isn't why won't you join her. Simply because I don't have to join her every single time, esp when that's not my lifestyle.

I asked my best buddy who knows me and her, he advised me to stop all the arguments and really pay attention to her actions he told me he doesn't think she will automatically change and start keeping tabs with me the next time she goes out and will come home at an acceptable time. He thinks her behavior won't change at all, he told me the next time she does it I need to kick her to the curb because of this incompatiblility. So why not wait a few weeks and she how this all ends up.

By the way she texted me this today I haven't seen her in about 5 days,

"I love you more than the distance between us. I love you more than any obstacle that could try and defeat us."

This may be BS it's hard to interpret the true meaning of that text, a few days ago she also texted me it feels like I'm distancing myself away from her to which she is right. Because I'm starting to care less and less, too much energy to argue.

As my buddy said she is who she is and I cannot change her, she not mature, she thinks it's perfectly fine to have a boyfriend and not cut back her single party lifestyle. It's only a matter of time before her actions will again repeat. Also January is coming up let's see if she even pays rent next month. Anyway I'll continue to update this.

OP, if you think she will not change, that no matter what she will go out, why not just end it? I mean, lets say she does what you want and texts you more. Ok, she'll still go out every time. That still wont be ok for you. Lets say she comes home early. That still wont be ok.

You guys are completely incompatible at this point in your lives. I think Mark Manson called this "friction" in his book Models. The name doesn't matter, the fact remains you two are on different pages of different books.

You're talking tough but meanwhile your behaviour shows someone who is weak willed and compromising his values to remain in a failing relationship.

All sounds 2 familiair. I've been in this relationship for 1,5 years.

I completely understand how u feel about her behaviour. Having freedom in a relationship is very important, but having a gf who only cares about partying and getting drunk (or high?) can be extremely unattractive.

She might change a little overtime but this will just be to keep you happy and to avoid the drama. And this will not satisfy you. Also know that there will be a lot of fall backs to old patterns (as you already experienced).
In the long run she might change in a more mature version, but are you able to put up with this frustration for multiple years? Is this worth it?

No matter what, chances are big that this "friction" will keep dominating your relationship.
I think you better move on and find someone who is in a similar phase of life.

I know you said you don't like partying, why is that?

You should go with her a few times. IMHO.

_________________
Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.

Dude it's so obvious. You're her Beta Bucks safety net. She only moved in with you for security/place to stay. She's fucking guys every time she goes out. Bet if you insisted on coming with her every single time she would try to keep you from coming because she wants to place herself in a situation that is conducive to her getting fucked by dudes at the party, all under the guise of being with her friends and social circle Bullshit. Either breakup with her and kick her the fuck out, or have another girl over so when she does in fact return home, she finds another girl in YOUR bed. Have some self respect and get more options. This girl is not special and you are way too invested.

[quote="DMVA100"Bet if you insisted on coming with her every single time she would try to keep you from coming.[/quote]

What I thought.

_________________
Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.

Sounds like this is more about your own insecurities than the Ops. Quite projecting.