I'm not saying I'ma do it. I'm not even in a relationship.

I heard some people at work today discussing the topic. And they were saying things like "If my wife ever catches me cheating I'll tell her my bad. I was thinking with my 2nd head and being dumb. BUT it was only a physical thing. No emotions or anything beyond that are attached. I'm in love with you. And she kept coming on to me. I'm a guy! She knew what she was doing" etc.

What's your guys opinion? What's the best way to handle the situation if you get caught?

Basically the guy was saying "I didn't do it! It was my second-head double! And it was her fault in the first place, she came to me..." What a man, taking so much responsibility for his mistakes...

I'd talk, talk, talk. Ask her how she feels about it, tell her how I feel about it, discuss where we're going from then on. Suggest we do couple therapy session if she'd like to understand how it happened. Watch the TED talk "Why happy people cheat" together.

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We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.

If you cheat, be smart about it.

If you get caught, be honest about it.

And if your reason to cheat is anything beyond pure lust you shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with. So don't.

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I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Right. These guys at work were strong in it being just a physical thing and they love their wives. I can see that. Guys are physical. We don't have to invest emotionally on everything we bang.

They were also saying how it's worse for a girl to cheat instead of a guy because girls are emotional.

Plausible Deniability;

A condition in which a subject can safely and believably deny knowledge of any particular truth that may exist because the subject is deliberately made unaware of said truth so as to benefit or shield the subject from any responsibility associated through the knowledge of such truth.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Strongly disagree with that, it's exactly the kind of short-sighted thoughts that make post-cheating feelings more painful than they should actually be. Check out polyamory, and have a look at the TED talk I mentioned earlier.

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We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.

If you're asking what to do when caught, you're basically someone who right now who is untrustworthy and has little concept of who they are and stand for. If you're asking this question, you're prob gonna cheat. I wont even say be honest, do whats best for you. If lying helps you, lie. If being honest helps you, be honest. You're not an honest person in the 1st place if you're thinking what to do if I get caught, so I wont recommend finding morality when it comes up. This is like asking "what to do if I get caught committing a murder?" Well, continue being selfish and lie, your way out.

Also, if you're not an honest person fine, live life that way. But whether you cheat or not, has nothing to do with polygamory or other nonsense reasons. No one holds a gun to your head and forces you to be in a committed relationship with someone. You want multiple partners? Fine, dont promise exclusivity. You cheat on someone and continue to do so, you're a dishonest and selfish person. You can have reasons or justifications, but it is what it is.You're being selfish and dishonest. If you cheat on someone, and get caught, they're a fool if they think that will stop now.

I agree with Neo's take on the morality side of things.

Same as murder can happen in spite of your will (being angry at somebody you push them off the sidewalk and have them creamed under a bus), cheating doesn't necessarily have to do with honesty. A lot of cheating happens because the person finds herself in a strongly tempting situation and cannot resist the urge.
Contradiction here, probably I just don't understand what you mean in your first point. Though I agree with the second one.
Hardly a statement or accusation here, since the vast majority of people are dishonest and selfish.

Bottom line, people are more fallible than you think, and cheating is more complex than just "you cheat, you're an asshole, you don't, you're an angel."

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We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.

If you're angry at someone and push them off the sidewalk into a bus, thats not an excuse. Now, that may not be as bad as planning a murder, but if you would get that angry to assault someone, you have a problem. Same way I wont get angry and push a chick and think that me and the full fledged woman beater are so different.
Also, alot of cheating is not some tempting urge. People plan, meet up, go back to apartments and houses. There are a million points where someone has a chance to say "this is going to far" and leave the situation. For eg, if I meet a coworker and I'm not planning to cheat but we have chemistry....its up to me to take a step back one day and say "Hmm, my conversations with X are getting a bit too intimate, for my relationship, I'll stop my contact with her" and just remove myself. If I flirt with a coworker a few times and at the company xmas party we drink and hook up, thats not some urge I couldnt resist. I couldve done ALOT to stop the situation. Sex /making out isnt some psychic thing that happens instantly. And having self control is not some difficult task. Every day I see women at work I have the urge to kiss...but I dont..because I and most of us have self control not to get fired. So if a chick or a guy is calling it was some urge they couldnt resist, thats just bs. We ALL have self control to NOT cheat.
If your polyamourous that doesnt mean you have an excuse to cheat. It has nothing to do with whether you cheat.
Please clarify. It seems like you're complicating something but have no real logic behind it. You said urge, and I doubt you can describe a situation where someone COULDNT resist cheating. Im sorry and wish you can enlighten me on how someone in a relationship cheating can be redeemed or worked out. Especially, in the situation OP is describing, where a cheater has to be caught.

I don't find it hard to believe that most honest guys, when drunk at a party (their average gf not present and nobody knowing them there), would give in temptation if the drunken double of Scarlett Johansson would crash next to them on the couch and start massaging their groin.
Polyamory is exactly one ethical way to deal with the frustration of not being able to satisfy one's desire/love for other partners than your first one. So polyamory is one solution against cheating, as long as you doing it right (being honest, discussing with your partner, being understanding...).

Just watch the TED talk, man. If you're not stubborn you will learn a few things:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

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We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.

Come on man, the fact that you have to use this example says something about your premise. It is highly unlikely that you're gonna be somewhere drunk and a strange chick is just going to massage your dick. You could be Brad Pitt look alike, chicks arent massaging your dick out of the blue. This is a very unlikely situation for the majority of highly attractive guys, more so for the average guy. Please, give me a believable situation for how the avg guy/girl would be in a position where they couldnt resist. Not this impossible scenario thats out of a porno. I get chicks pretty easily, more than the avg guy, but I'm not going places and getting dick massaged on opening lol.
I watched your video the first time. What good points do you think this woman makes in this video? Please, if you're going to recommend something, be able to say what points it makes that are valuable. Because I watched it 2x and its just her explaining why people cheat. Which is fine, but come on. I could give a speech on why a pedophile isnt a bad person or a serial killer isnt one as well. I get that someone who cheats may not be this terrible peice of shit; that was never my argument, but what ever the motive you still had a choice. I get her hustle; its good business to make people think theyre not at fault for their decisions, but people need accountability. You dont just teleport to a party drunk and some hot chick is grabbing your dick. You make a series of bad decisions usually over a period of time. You have several opportunities to remove yourself from the compromising situation. If a gf gets an "unresistable urge" and she jumps on her coworker at the morning meeting at work and fucks him in front of everyone and she loses her job...well yeah, thats unresistable. But I'll be silly if a chick tells me she hung with a guy for months, feelings rose and she had him planned a weekend fuckfest at his cabin...and somehow that couldnt be resisted? These urges arent unresitable because you have the sense not the cheat in situations that would get you locked up or fired. People arent fucking in Macy's in broad daylight. They're planning, flirting and meeting at places where they have privacy. So cheating in most contexts can definitely be resisted.

Cheating happens when your relationship needs aren't being met with your partner, and you look to outside the relationship to have them met. Beyond this it happens when a person has an "are you there for me?" moment(s) and the other isn't responsive. At this point there's no security and/or trust in the relationship.

Dr. Julie Gottman put it nicely with her wall and window metaphor: when you're in a (healthy) relationship you build a wall around you and your partner where a window is placed in between. You have your own individual lives and move forward knowing the other is there for you, and vice versa. When security is lost the window moves towards the outside wall and one or both partner's begin looking outside the relationship, and now there's a wall between the two of you.

Now all of a sudden you're having longer conversation w that cute intern at the water cooler. She asks how you're doing. You confide in her that your relationship isn't going too well. She's sympathetic. You feel heard. Your attraction to her increases, she just "gets" you. Some flirting ensues, maybe a date...you know, 'just friends'...and you can pretty well fill in the rest.


In my honest non-professional opinion cheating is never justified. If you're in a toxic relationship either get help or leave.

And no, the alcohol excuse isn't an excuse. You had the choice as Neo put it to pull up the emergency brake at any point.

Dude you're asking me to give you an example where a guy, in spite of his honesty, would give in to temptation, then you complain that the situation is not going to happen to most guys, while totally missing the point (and man how often do you seem to be missing the point) that this example illustrates how cheating has sometimes little to do with being dishonest. A lot of people would give in for less than that by the way, without the groin massaging or the Johansson (maybe not the awesomely perfect you, which is why I had to pull the extreme example where even you would give in).

And if you want me to write it out for you, Esther Perel is making exactly that point: that sometimes people stay monogamous and faithful for dozens of years, before the situation becomes just so tense that they are led to cheat. The cheaters are just being conflicted between the morally untenable situation they put themselves in and the way they feel about it, so much that the act of cheating is actually considered to them as an amelioration of their situation.

To which you're gonna say "it's not an excuse" and I'll have to tell you for a thousandth time that I'm not talking about excuses here, but about how honest people are led by the circumstances to do dishonest acts. And saying "they have a choice to stop at any point" is totally ignoring the mechanic of slippery slope to which, again, most people would give in.

But honestly you show so much bad faith in understanding my point (say, I stated it twice already yet when I pointed you at the video you still asked what it was) that I'm done arguing here.

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We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.

So your question is more towards how honest people subvert their own will and cheat? and the "mechanism" to how this happens?