Cheated on my gf



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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 4:49 pm 
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I just don't get the whole "tell her" thing. If you are determined to not cheat anymore, telling her is something that you shouldn't do. You're just easing your own guilt and creating insecurity in your gf. From that point on, if she decides to stay with you, it's more than likely going to be hell because she's going to scrutinize every moment you are around and you'll be on defense at all times. People will probably say that you deserve to be on defense, but that's not a happy relationship for either person. Live with the guilt and be a good boyfriend from this point on. It's not her fault because you're being an ass.
Or he learns there are no consequences to his actions and repeats the same behavior with others.

Regardless, I think the question is OP, what needs of yours weren't being met that you'd allowed yourself to cheat in the first place. You had a choice in this matter, so why did you choose to cheat?


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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 4:56 pm 
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Quote:
Quote:
I just don't get the whole "tell her" thing. If you are determined to not cheat anymore, telling her is something that you shouldn't do. You're just easing your own guilt and creating insecurity in your gf. From that point on, if she decides to stay with you, it's more than likely going to be hell because she's going to scrutinize every moment you are around and you'll be on defense at all times. People will probably say that you deserve to be on defense, but that's not a happy relationship for either person. Live with the guilt and be a good boyfriend from this point on. It's not her fault because you're being an ass.
Or he learns there are no consequences to his actions and repeats the same behavior with others.
This why I put in the caveat of being determined to not cheat.

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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 5:08 pm 
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This why I put in the caveat of being determined to not cheat.
I hear what you're saying.

When I think of a person sacrificing one of their values, assuming that value is monogamy, after the initial guilt subsides the behavior is often repeated. Funny thing. Compromise a core value, it's all the easier to do it again, presumably. Some people do it all the time. Depends on how effective a person's defence mechanisms are in eventually absolving themselves of the guilt, and beyond that whether they hold onto it or are able to reflect subjectively telling themselves "It wasn't so bad actually". Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

A bit of a cynical view, sure. But I am more inquisitive as to why the Op did it, instead of focusing on how he deals with his girlfriend. The later being almost trivial in the grand scheme of things; he can always find another gf, even if he does go into a bit of a tail spin. I m curious, for his sake moving forward, how he became so out of touch with his needs and went to the extreme of doing something he now has regrets about.


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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:20 am 
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You have no emotional attachment to the woman you cheated with. It was a momentary indiscretion. Chill the fuck out. Let it go dude. Stop viewing sex as if it's such a big deal. Don't do anything that could jeopardize a good relationship.... But what's done is done. No use trying to turn back the clock. No use crying over spilled milk.

The girl involved, there's no emotional connection. You were drunk. One thing lead to another. No reason to break the girls heart just to ease your conscience. Being the least bit skilled in game, having experience with women, monogamy is difficult. You may have moments where you slip up.


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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2016 8:13 am 
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Be a man and tell her. And then tell her that occasionally you think about banging other women, and that it's "science", but that you care for her and want to go on.

Be a man. Deal with the consequences of your actions. I could not stand to live with a lie like that every day.

Just an awful way to live your life.

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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2016 8:50 am 
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Or try a half truth. "We just kissed"

She'll ask you why, and you better have an good honest answer to that question.

Don't torture her with a "I dont know it will never happen again!" Because if you can't tell her why it happend how can she trust it won't happen again?


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 Post subject: Re: Cheated on my gf
PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 11:09 pm 
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I feel so sorry for you. It seems like you understand emotionally that this isn't good but let me break it down rationally for the benefit of everyone including myself. To uphold honesty you don't have to tell the full truth you just can't lie. Except under extreme life or death situations. If you lie you are also lying to yourself. This means that if you lie to her when she suspects it, your a cheater and a liar but it softens the blow of the cheating which is why it's bad. This means you just gave yourself permission to cheat subconsciously, because what you did just then was redefine what cheating is. The term becomes meaningless to you. Whatever you do, don't lie about it to yourself or risk that by lying to others. This relationship is going to suck for a while.

Just don't speak of it again. It's an uncomfortable truth about relationships that people cheat. She may cheat on you some day if you don't get over this. Right now I would be worried about the guilt changing the dynamics of your relationship like some self-fulfilling prophecy causing you to break up. You need to make peace with this somehow because it's like a time-bomb in your relationship. If it goes off she could go grab the next guy she sees and fuck his dick off. The relationship will have ended at that point and she will be on the rebound which isn't good for either of you. You might even consider ending the relationship, but that's your call. Ending it has several advantages. It defuses the time bomb of her potentially getting hurt taking revenge, but not necessarily the rebound she'll go through before finding someone else. She never has to know what happened, just that you can't continue the relationship anymore. It allows you to feel guilty about cheating in a past relationship, rather then your current one. More importantly it preserves the truth about your reality and preserves your values.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. Just keep forgiving yourself. Don't lie to yourself, forgive. I hope this helps. I also hope it helps others think about their actions before getting into deep shit.


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