OP, cant write much now, but what are the specifics? What are a few examples of these needy controlling actions you took and her response and resolution. See, youve been way too invested and afraid of losing this chick for months. "Controlling" and "possessive" could be real assessments of your actions, or they could be you just repeating what she told you or the excuse you made for why you were wrong. For eg, she couldve flirted with an ex, you found out, got mad, she threatened to leave because you're "controlling" then rationalized, oh the issue isnt that she was flirting with an ex, I'm controlling. Or it could be you actually were controlling. Also, what is her level of attachment that is fine? What level of attachment were you originally looking for?
What I wrote months ago. Gotta run

del

"I don't agree with that. I think my attachment got too big for the tenure of this relationship and I need to cool down and start taking it more easy. I think her level of attachment is just fine for how long we have been dating. If she will not be more attached in 6 months, after I pull back and we start building attachment/engagement together on similar level then i will be concerned."

What does this even mean?


I don't think you're grasping what I am saying..

You're way too attached/invested in this girl to simply pull back. Right now you're feeling ok because she's being responsive. But once it dies off again and she falls aloof because you're wanting more than she's willing to give, u'll fall right back into the pattern of seeking validation from her. She'll in turn withdrawal again and u'll go into panic mode.

My controlling/needy behaviors from last month:
a) flipping when she is not texting back but finds time for other stuff
b) getting angry when during conversation with cab driver between three of us (completely not sexual convo, with no flirting) at one point she decides to ignore/not respond to what I said (what I said was a statement not question) but ask him a question. I felt like for her talking to him was more important than talking to me.
c) asking if somebody was hitting on her on the party
d) me trying to tell her what is appropriate response when she is hit at
e) me being upset that she wouldn't spend TG with me, bc she is spending it with her cousin which for whatever reason didn't want to invite me (or husband of other from the family or bf of another - so it is not aimed at me)
f) me getting angry that she doesn't respond to all stuff I put in texts

and so on. Just stupid shit that should have not ever taken place. And I know it. And knew it right when it was happening just couldn't resist it.

No, she was not flirting with her ex and I doubt she was/is flirting with anybody (she has some trauma in family connected with cheating so for her cheating on somebody would be probably as painful as for person she cheats on.

But there was one situation 1.5 month ago where we were at the party and she was quite drunk and should have been more assertive when guy was hitting on her by the bar. Proposed her a drink 3 times, she refused each time but had some small talk with him. She didn't do anything but who the fuck knows what would have happened if I didn't come back. She should have ditched him right away. I was in bathroom at that moment. Got back. Flipped. Dude ran away, I walked away from her. She was super sorry and so on. I told her we are done at that moment and that I lost my trust to her, that she don't act like a girl that has a bf and she said that she won't drink without me anymore (her idea without me even asking for it) and she needs a chance to fix this and regain my trust. I agreed. After couple weeks I lifted that boundary bc I know it doesn't make sense bc she will do what she want to do anyway and I knew it makes her super unhappy to not be able to grab a drink with her friends. So this particular behavior I think was justified after that situation, and she was never referring to this particular thing as controlling. (even tho it essentially is)
Well originally I was looking for level of attachment that she is giving me now (especially over last week). She tells me that she loves me quite often, last couple days that we haven't been seeing each other (Sunday, Tue and tonight) she was texting me first "Goodnight, I love you", regardless of who has sent the last text in convo, she does express her feelings and attraction to me in various ways which she wasn't whenever we were "just" dating (like talking about my body, my dick, that I am a great guy, that I make her very happy when I don't drive her crazy, etc.) . I think that this is easily the level I typically would have and typically would have expected from 7 months of dating and 3 months of exclusive relationship. And this was what I originally was looking for.

But things changed on my side, I got super attached and started wanting much more attention and involvement. To extent of level that I am not sure is even healthy in marriage. And worse - I was providing that level of attention and involvement to her. Examples of that would be:

a) telling her I never loved anybody like I love her
b) talking about spending life together
c) talking about moving in together soon
d) talking about how I would never recover if we broke up
e) talking about how am I thinking about our future together
f) telling her no other girl can catch my attention now bc I think only of her

and all this kind of stupid shit like that, that is way way exaggerated for 3rd month of exclusive relationship (or in fact - I am sure you will tell me that those are things that never ever should be said to any chick in any situation period). Generally it is super fucked up and I am quite embarrassed that I said/did those things and regret that a lot.

Well problem is not that she will never give me attention I want. Because she is now giving me level of attention I wanted 4 months ago. And it seems natural to her and she seems to enjoy giving me this level of attention (especially at the moment when I am not pressing for it). Problem is that my level of involvement/attachment was growing much faster than hers - and hence entire situation. Doesn't mean she will never give me attention I want now, or will want at that moment ion future. Because her level of attachment/involvement has been growing continuously (with hiccups for fighting periods ofc) since we started dating. I think I just need to somehow make myself not push for more of her attention even if I want it, and let it just grow naturally and let her give it to me because she wants to give it to me.

" I think I just need to somehow make myself not push for more of her attention even if I want it, and let it just grow naturally and let her give it to me because she wants to give it to me."

Hence my saying you're still too attached. You're simply applying strategies without addressing the root of the problem. All of this is just window dressing.

Suppressing needs is akin to holding a ball under water. Eventually your arm will tire and the ball will breach the surface. Needs are no different. You're simply applying behavioural strategies to suppress your needs. You have a strong desire for connection greater than she's willing to give. Now she may eventually meet that need, and to some extent she's meeting it now. But if she doesn't or you even perceive her as pulling away your attachment system will become active and it'll be much harder for you to stay grounded. Right now to some extent your attachment needs are being satiated by having pulled away and her response of becoming more responsive.

When she pulls a bit, what are you going to do? By that point you're already triggered and your faculties of logic subside to your reactive nature.

All true, but how can you or I know if she will ever reach the level of attachment/attention that will satisfy my needs? For all we know now is that her attachment and involvement is growing slower than mine. But mine cannot grow much more. I have never said those things to any chicks and I never felt that attached to anyone. Don't think that it is possible for me to be more attached than I am now.

So i don' see why I wouldn't just sit on it and wait to see how much her attachment grows and once it settles to evaluate whether it is at level that meets my needs or not. It is worth a shot for me and I don't think that I will be much more heartbroken if this ends in 6 months than if it ends now.

That's one side of it.


Other side is that I actually need to learn what couple of you pointed out and started concentrating on myself more and having me as #1 for me. And hopefully not having needs for that huge (I would say healthy) attachment level.

You see I have quite obsessive personality. And can get obsessed with hobbies, work, or girls. But I was multiple times in both dating setups and very serious relationships (three of them that were 3 years long) where I would get that insane level of attachment and attention. One time even I was obsessed with girl (not as much as with this but quite a lot) and she was obsessed with me even more. And we were giving each other crazy amounts of attention and expressing crazy attachment (she even more than me).

And guess what - in none of those setups I was truly happy. in fact I was annoyed by it. I wanted that attention but I was annoyed by it and tired of it. I broke with every single of those girls that were giving me level of attention that was meeting my needs (including all three of my serious relationships).

Sorry I can't read all of this its tedious.

How long have you known her now?

Since end of March. We are exclusive since beginning of July.

Who's idea was it to be exclusive?

I was pushing for it for first 3 months. Then I stopped pushing. And then I went back to my home country for 2 weeks for the opening of the business I am running there. She saw all over social media all the attention I am getting from both chicks in US (where I live) and back in my home country. Once she saw it (and I presume felt quite insecure and felt like I am quite "in demand") she asked me if I want to be exclusive. Exactly it was smth along the lines:

Her: Do you want to be with me?
Me: You know I do.
Her: I mean, will you be mine? Exclusively?
Me: Yes.

Pretty much what I meant when I said she's the center of your galaxy. This has nothing to do with power, it's just your behavior that was crudely unattractive.
You gotta understand this kind of shit because draining really fast. It becomes a burden to deal with and quite frankly it's life sucking.

Like I said, you need to start focusing on yourself more. Not passively aggressive towards her. Purely for your own self improvement.
And stop fishing for validation from her.

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Would it be fair to say that rather than this being about "power", and you wanting to restore the balance of it in this relationship - that the reality is this is about needs, and in particular your wanting a partner who will be responsive to your texts, wanting to hangout (whether its daily or 1x/week)? Rather than someone who tells you its too much, wants to impose distance, and abnormalizes your needs?

Yup... That's what I will try to do. I know it would be easier to do when single but on the other hand then there is no guarantee that if I met awesome chick again the story wouldn't repeat. I need to be able to concentrate on myself while being in commied relationship, when I am madly in love. I know it will be hard now to come back but I guess everyone has to learn one way or another.
Yeah, that is fair to say. But so what? She doesn't meet my needs at the moment. But with her current behavior she would be meeting my needs 4 months ago. And it is not said that she won't be able to meet them in the future. And it is not said that they won't change if I will be able to concentrate more on me than on her. Who knows. Since things are inproving I definitely eant to explore that.

I feel like for many users here "break up with her" is a "to-go" advice. I understand the move-on thing when something is over but killing something because temporarily your needs are not met, yet you see the chance for them to be met? It's acting like finding such an amazing girl is super easy. Well for me it is not. I dated like ~30 chicks over last 2 years and none of them caught my attention for longer even though I could have easily been in commited relationship with 95% of them. So if I am choosing between putting some time and effort and having chance to fix something and going to another 30 useless girls before falling in love again then I will choose the first one by far even if the odds for success are not that great.

Plus she satisfies some of my needs to extent that was never satisfied by any chick. Starting with the most inportant which is sex - I have been with 50+ girls and never been with such a kinky girl, such a beast in bed. She have ticked off majority of fantasies and things to-do from my list. And that is way more important for me than cuddling, texting or meeting 3 times per week instead of 4 that I would like (it's an example with those days, I actually wouldn't have time to meet 4 times).

Del

So you pick a girl that isn't easy to be in a committed relationship with.

It all makes sense. This girl has you off balance and uncertain of where you stand with her. You were so close to having her and now that she is slipping through your fingers your fighting to keep her, which you shouldn't be doing, and you're fantasizing about how good things might be one day.

In general, a woman wants to show a man that she is girlfriend material in the first few months of a relationship. Do you really believe that she cares about demonstrating that to you? More importantly, are you happier with her now with her than you were for the last two years when you were single but dating 30 other chicks?

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