So I fucked up big time. I have been seeing this girl for 7 months, we became exclusive around 3 months ago. She is very alpha and somehow has overcome my confidence and self-esteem which resulted in very controlling and possessive behaviors of mine (like flipping when she didn't text me back for couple hours, when I saw she was posting smth on social media, and some other stupid shit like that) and with us fighting a lot. Really a lot.

Our relationship was on the verge of ending so i took action and told her I am pulling back significantly, that we shouldn't be seeing each other more than 3 days per week (we used to much more), we should avoid contact while we are at work (one important point why she was unhappy is that she felt I am interrupting her work), we should go out a lot with friends on days we don't see each other and that I will make no more claims on her attention, time, plans, etc.

I have delivered on that and I have minimized amount we text each other - situation has improved a lot (and it has been just a week so far), I see her now texting me first much more, texting me or telling me first that she loves me much more and generally being much more caring and I think much more happy. I plan on continuing this setup without further action for another couple of weeks until situation stabilizes and until she sees the change in my behavior is permanent and she has much more space, freedom and I am not trying to make her or not make her do things.

The big problem I see is that the balance of power in the relationship is super skewed in her way. She basically has all the power. She knows I want her more than she wants me. She wanted to end things couple of times and I was opposing so she knows she has leverage over me. The relationship at the moment looks exactly how she wanted it to look like - with us having our own lives outside our relationship and lots of freedom, etc. I don't mind that relationship looks like that (I am actually more happy this way also) but the fact that she has driven it here and that we both know that it got here because that is what she wanted makes her having all the power in this relationship. The relationship is driven by her needs at the moment. And she surely realizes it.

Since she has all the power I fear that soon she will lose interest in me and start looking around. I think that doing something now as we still recover from that "fighting/controlling period" is too risky (as she might read some stuff as again controlling behaviors or as me trying to get back at her or punish her for driving relationship where it is) but I would like to get your advice on how can I get back some power in this relationship back once the situation settles and stabilizes - in couple weeks. Any thoughts on how to do that without her feeling controlled or punished?

Ok, first off, a happy/healthy relationship is not a power struggle. The faster you realize that the better off you'll be.
Great. Perfect even.
If she has all the power that's because there's power to be had. You're giving it to her. You're introducing it into the relationship. But that's a sidenote.
What's more relevant here is that she's right man. You DO need lives outside the relationship. You should have freedom. That's how you keep things healthy and enjoyable. That's essentially the recipe of a great relationship.
And this is also what I mean by you giving her power. You're framing this as something she wanted. As if it's some weird innovation/out of the ordinary and now you're running the show her way. It's not her way. It's the way. But if you keep seeing it as her way, obviously you'll keep seeing her as the one in power.

Look, you're in a relationship. I've learned a lot from women I've dated and they've learned a lot from me. You're not less of a man for seeing the good in a good idea. That's in fact the trademark of a great leader. Being able to recognize good ideas and having what it takes to implement them, especially when they're better than your own.
Women lose interest when the world of their man revolves purely around them. They lose interest when you have no life outside the relationship. They lose interest when you display needy and controlling behavior. You're not worth much at that point. Why would she want to be around you when no one else does?
So if that's your concern, then don't go down that path again.

Be in it together. Not against each other.

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Thank you for quick replies!

I stopped acting like my life evolves around her and expressing needy and controlling behaviors so i don't think that it will be a problem anymore.

Among other things, what I meant when i talked about power, is that investment on my side is now (and has been in the past) clearly bigger than on hers and that what is happening when we see each other is driven by her needs much more than mine. Couple weeks back i already tried pulling back a bit and acted a bit distant when we saw each other and she got mad angry (I think she was feeling like she is being punished for not giving me attention I wanted by me acting distant and not giving her attention she is used to get from me).

So my problem is that even with current setup - when we meet less, have our own lives and I am not controlling - when we see each other, I still give her much more (attention, feelings, investment, care, whatever you want to call it) than she gives me. but if I want to pull back from it, she gets angry and she feels like I am punishing her and taking something away from her.

I want this relationship to be balanced, with similar level of investment and attention from both sides. My problem is that I vastly over-invested at the beginning and now it is very hard to come back from it, without her feeling like I am taking something from her or punishing her (which makes her very angry) - which would lead to further fights, and this is something I want to avoid at all cost at the moment.

On the other hand if I will keep my investment and attention level much higher than hers then she will feel I am no challenge to her, she can have me whenever she wants with low effort and she will start losing interest (like I said before - she is very alpha and she needs and wants challenge, I know it).

Your question shouldn't be "How to restore balance of power?" It should be "How do I stop being needy?"

The neediness trap is the expectation that someone else will provide your happiness. You can't depend on others to have your needs met.

My suggestion would be to find some new hobbies that get you out of the house. Finding something that makes you happy is the key. When you are happy with yourself you become confident and less reliant on others, especially a partner. When you project that happiness and confidence you won't feel or seem needy. Why would you? You can make yourself happy. Relationships are a mutual thing. You find someone who shares your goals/lifestyle. Until you start to grow and like yourself as a person, relationships won't give you what you want.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

That might be hard - I have shit ton of hobbies I have no time to do. My life is consumed purely at the moment by 4 things:

- my job ( which is quite amazing and makes me happy)
- business I am running offshore
- my relationship
- crossfit (my only passion I have not given up bc of the above)

I barely have even time to spend time with my friends (outside of friends from work/crossfit).

Problem is that I love spending time with her so much that I have given up on many things I have been doing as a single person. Even with seeing her only 3 times per week, I barely have time to do as much work (for my job and my business) and as much crossfit as I want to. Adding another thing to the mix would make me see her even less than now, or to sacrifice time I spend on other 3 things (which I also don't want).

But I think that tailoring your advice to my situation, I should find again my happiness from the other things I am doing in my life (bc surely my life is not boring or empty), instead of thinking all the time about time I am or will be spending with her.

So my problem is that even with current setup - when we meet less, have our own lives and I am not controlling - when we see each other, I still give her much more (attention, feelings, investment, care, whatever you want to call it) than she gives me. but if I want to pull back from it, she gets angry and she feels like I am punishing her and taking something away from her.

In relation to the above...there is a difference between being too needy and being incompatible. Correcting the neediness..great. Now if things are scaled back and your gf just doesn't give you the care or relationship you want then it sounds like you're incompatible as well. So if 3 days a week helps both of you have some freedom..cool..if 3 days a week you see each other and the intimacy is low or she is the distant type..you gotta ask yourself if she's the chick for you.

time will show, but like I said - since I stopped acting needy, and since we scaled back I have been feeling more happy and more confident myself. And I have seen actual increase in her telling me she loves me first or texting me that she loves me out of nothing. It has been increase since the fighting period but I still feel I am much more invested in this than she is (when we see each other) and I want to balance it out.

I don't think her level of investment is inappropriate or too low - we have been exclusive 3 months and I think her level of investment is appropriate for that length of relationship. What happened is that I have significantly over-invested at the beginning and it is very hard to pull back from it at the moment because she gets angry and feels punished when I pull my attention and investment back now. But I know I need to do it to get this back on the right track. I am just asking on the advise how to do it in a delicate, non-violent way that will not cause a fight or make her feel like I have given her something and now taking it away from her.

There you go.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I mean duh... But with how time constraint I am there is no other choice. Sure, I can have gazylion of hobbies and become a monk but that is not what I want. I want to have a gf and see her couple (2-3) times per week.

And since my schedule was filled back to bavk when I was single, it is obvious I had to give up some things to make room for gf. I did given up stuff that is less important for me than being in relationship... I don't see a problem here.

Interestingly her sexual attraction has started picking up since I have pulled back. I just got a text:

"*you don't have to respond *" (bc we agreed not to text while at work)
And then:
"But I can't wait to sit on your handsome face later babe"

That caught me in such a surprise that I am not even sure how to respond that is enough sexually charged but not to fuck it up and come across too needy

What are the specifics? How exactly is your investment more right now?

Reply needs to be sexually charged as well.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

"Now how the fuck am I supposed to not respond to that? Damn girl."

On a sidenote, you need balance in your life not in your relationship. The latter is a byproduct. You need to find yourself again so to speak.

I doesn't really matter if you agree to see her 3 times a week or if you practice a million hobbies, if when you're not seeing her or when doing said hobbies you're still thinking about being with her. This isn't a change that will happen overnight but it is something that you have to pro-actively combat at first.

And yes, obviously she is less invested, because needy and controlling behavior does just that. It pushes people away. And you can clearly and obviously see that when you become more balanced texts like this start flowing.

Also, yes she will get mad angry if you act passive aggressive. The idea is not to act distant, it's to be a little more detached from her and a bit more attached to yourself.
In other words, and you said it yourself, she's more or less your #1 priority in life at the moment. That should never, ever be the case. You should always be #1, and the most she can be is #2.
I know that sounds counter intuitive at first, but trust me, it's the trademark of any successful relationship.

You have to be the most important person in your life. Always.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

I feel like I still express my feelings more than her - verbally and non-verbally. She has started telling me and texting me more than she did before that she loves me, but I still do that more, seek her closeness/touch more, look deep in her eyes more, cuddle, hug, kiss her non/sexually, etc. ...

I would be happy to pull back to level she is at, but ehen I do she comments immediately "what is wrong with you today?" , "you are not yourself", "what is wrong again?" "You seem distant" "I am waiting for you to do something" , etc. she gets hostile, angry, disengages and pulls back herself (from her increased level of attention to her lower level that she had when we were fighting) .

It's like she wants to keep my attention, attraction, involvement and investement level above hers. That's what she got at the beginning and she holds on to it and feels like I am taking aways from her something I have given her at the beginning, like I am punishing her (she used that word herself couple times).

STOP expressing your feelings with your mouth, use you dick! And STFU about your 'feelings'!!

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.