Hey Guys,

So I got in huge fight with my girlfriend and don't know if we should keep this going or if I am over reacting. I would really like to get advice from you guys. Sorry for the really long post and thanks in advance to all those who help.

So this started this afternoon when my girlfriend had a friends wedding engagement party and she asked me to be on time at the house (she lives with me) so that we wouldn't be late because they always say we are late. I end up changing my day because I knew this was a close friend of hers and this was important. I was at a meeting and noticed that I was going to be late so I didn't go back to the office to be at home on time (left everything at the office). I had been writing her to see where she was at but never got an answer. We were supposed to meet at 6:30 at the house, it was 6:28 and no show, none of my messages had been received, earlier I had called her she picked up and she hung up. So I guessed she was at a meeting. She sends me a message at 6:30 and saying she is sorry but her phone isn't working and that she is going to the apartment and if I can go pick up something for her that she can't make it. This is the first point I had always told her please be conscious and if she is in a meeting and feels she is going to be late to just let me know before hand I have no problem helping her or waiting but not to leave me waiting. This was the fifth time she did it so it bothered me because there had been times where she had me waiting an 40 to 50 minutes without telling me anything.

She asks me to bring her a list of clothes from the apartment to where she is. I do it. When we meet I tell her without loosing my cool that she again had kept not told me before hand like we talked. She just rolled her eyes and told me no one had minutes or internet to share with her. We get to the engagement and 30 minutes in she starts talking to this guy. I see that he is checking her out so about 10 mins in the conversation I go up and say hi. Join the conversation for a bit and then he decides to leave. This is the second point. We keep on dancing and I see she is always glancing at the guy and her back at him. I don't say anything but during 10 minutes that we are dancing they keep on glancing at each other constantly. So i decide to ask are you checking that guy out? (I decided it was the best way for her to realize that I was noticing.) She flips out starts raising her voice asking "what guy? what guy?" She gets really upset saying not to touch her. How can I be so insecure, that she can't believe that she is with such an insecure person. Meanwhile in my mind I'm like WTF happened, it escalated quickly. So she goes to the bathroom with a friend of hers. While she is in the bathroom good friend of the guy she was glancing at who is also an acquaintance of mine comes up and asks me out of the blue "how long have you guys been dating?" My first thought was thats weird for him to ask that as I barely know him that but maybe he is being polite. My gf then comes over to in a better mood. So I'm like maybe it's all in my mind. We start dancing and again she starts glancing at him this happens for a couple more minutes. I get fed up and tell that she is looking at him and that I'm leaving. She again starts raising her voice while a I leave.

She ends up leaving with me because she had some stuff of hers in my car. She gets her stuff and we get in this huge argument. I can tell she is drunk and tell her not to drive. She tells me that all her friends have told her to break up with me, that I am too immature and insecure, that she can't believe God put someone so insecure in her life, that she is miserable in this relationship, that she doesn't feel safe with me and that she is leaving, she is repulsed by me... All this while she is crying in her car, I tell her to talk things out and that she shouldn't be driving drunk, but she ends up leaving. She had left the apartment three times in the last two months the apartment so I thought it was another of those times.

So i just got home a while ago and a friend writes me to say that he just saw her going into a club and why wasn't I with her (we were going to meet some friends later). I decide to just sleep it off and an hour later she comes in to the apartment. I ask her what she is doing here? She just raises her voice and asked "what I don't live here" and just went in to room.

Now I'm really confused I feel worried because she said she is unhappy and all those things when the last weeks have been amazing. I also feel that she is leaving for various days and the coming back when we get in fights. After the first time she said she wouldn't do it again but she keeps on packing her stuff leaving and the coming back. It worries me because emotionally it hurts a lot seeing my girlfriend packing up her stuff, saying she is leaving and then her coming back a few days later to talk things out. I feel that the next fight she will do it again. Do you guys feel that it is an overreaction from me or that it was right for me to point out that she was constantly having eye contact with this guy? Does her checking out someone else mean something? What about the relationship in general? Is this an issue that can fixed? I just feel hurt and I'm unsure I want this relationship. This last time it really got to me.
Also some back info we have been together for a year and living together eight months.

Again sorry for the long post, I really do appreciate your guy's time.

The entire subtext feels like you're lacking trust in the relationship. It's hard to distinguish if this is a result of your insecurity that you've simply brought into the relationship, or anything she's doing per se.

Was she glancing at the guy? You seem pretty convinced. If she was it could have been to illicit a fight with you as she was feeling quite pissed with you to that point, and you took the bait, or simply you are imagining things and finding the evidence your brain needs to keep up this insecure narrative.

The packing up and leaving is a relationship threat and typically when a partner begins doing this it creates attachment wounds and the relationship eventually splinters and ends. Sometimes the process is long and painful.

I can appreciate your concern but without hearing her end its impossible to tell what's really going on.

I suggest the two of you see professional help from a couples counsellor trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. There's simply not enough information here to really get into the nitty gritty of things. That won't however stop a lot of guys from using conjecture and drawing some assumptions into what she's doing, as well as projecting their own stuff onto your situation.

I can tell she needs space to de-activate and that problem frightens you quite a bit as you feel you're losing her each time. This resolves nothing, but likely things are to intense for her to keep a space open for you to enter without her feeling. For your part you want some reassurance she's there, but she's throwing shade at you and even worse still, pulling away. In EFT terms you're the pursuer and she's the withdrawer and you guys get into this sort of attachment dance. I surmise its when you begin to question her fidelity/faithfulness to you to which then she's triggered, and the attachment cycle activates. You likely pursue after her, and she walls up and leaves only to return at some indeterminate period of time.

It's a tough way to live. At this point you're just going to have to let her do what she does and take care of yourself. When she comes to that would be a good time to broach the idea of the two of you getting outside help.

If I didn't do anything wrong, I couldn't deal with a girlfriend that acted like this.
1. She leaves you when she's upset.
2. Acts out in front of friends.
3. Calls you insecure.

The fact that she threw that her friends say that she shouldn't be with you at her close friend's event are pretty telling on why she acted like that. Not to step on N2's explanation of not knowing her side of the story, but from most of the things that I see in relationships, girlfriends tend to usually defend being with their boyfriends if they're happy and not use the words to devalue him unless they are unhappy.

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From an attachment bent her behavior is consistent with someone wanting to impose distance between their partner and themselves. This is done unconsciously to create space between the partner and themselves as an attachment de-activitating strategy.

Apart from the 3 things you've listed above, we don't know the full situation. For myself, I'd likely end things as I had a partner who acted in much the same way, and she was a typical avoidant. It was just too much work to try and make ends meet. That said, its not impossible, and only the op can answer as to whether or not he wants to remain and work on things (assuming she does as well). Both people are likely in a lot of pain SPAM, and there has to be a softening on both ends before anything can be done.

I'm not trying to convince you Jack that he should necessarily be supported in remaining in what appears to be a toxic relationship, but the reality is his behavior can be triggering her in a variety of ways yet we aren't really getting that side of the equation, and that is partially why I had suggested some type of couples counselling.

She's on the fence because you're acting needy.

However, her behavior at the club is unacceptable.

Also, I wouldn't date a girl who insists on going to clubs. These are the worst kind of women.

If a woman is calling you out on being insecure, you probably are acting that way. Although it may be bitchy of her, it's her attempt to let you know what's wrong in the relationship. Girls will give you hints if they like you and want it to work. Stop all the drama conversations. Have ONE conversation where you lay out what kind of behavior you expect from a girlfriend, and move on. Do it after you give her a few orgasms, while you're laying in bed. You must offer some kind of value for this to work.

Be decisive, tell her you will walk away if she disrespects you in a very cool, calm manner. Then it's important to change the topic and lead the interaction to FUN.

Relationships should be 95% fun and exploring, not debbie downer serious conversations. Keep this ratio in mind at all times. Don't be the whiny bitch. Lead by example.

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Yeah...I completely agree with you. If he wants to try to work it out, my inner cynic says hope for the best but expect the worst.

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At times I wear two hats here, and they aren't always compatible. The one, the therapist side where I hold some degree of neutrality and know there's always another side of the equation that's often absent from the story. As well as NEVER giving a solution to a client's issue, but rather help guide them to a place where they can come up with their own solution (there are many reasons for doing this). The other, my own personal experience in knowing the harmful effects that are often brought-on by having an avoidant partner.

My sense is the Op really wants this to work out, and is ambivalent towards the idea of leaving. My hunch tells me the more I try to persuade, the more he'll do the opposite and become even further entrenched.

The relationship threats brought on by her walking out are out of desperation on her side, in all likelihood. No less, for the left partner the pain is usually quite intense and even though logically he may know she'll come back at some point, at an emotional level it feels like a death and when the brain begins its grieving process often times the person returns and that process is then short circuited, only to occur again during the next rift when she leaves again.

It's a really nasty cycle, and all the more reason I hope the Op gets help whether with or without her as the scars can mount up. And it can quite literally be an abusive relationship.

Good god, are you sure you're not dating a dog? Reason I ask is because your relationship mindset is akin to dog training.

Honestly to me it just sounds like the gf is inconsiderate and probably fucking dudes. I mean OP slept it off when she was out so he doesn't seem THAT insecure and the things she said we're just extreme. I think if she is leaving the house and checking out and flirting with dudes my guess is she's a cheater and just looking for reasons to go to the next guy. Her leaving the apartment sounds more to me like her being single for a night or two.

It sounds to be more her as yeah she could've texted him. She prob was flirting with the guy as both apparently we're checking each other out. Plus the friend asks him that question. Then she goes out. Plus the things she said drunk or not are full of disdain. Call me crazy but chick calls me repulsive I don't care whether she's drunk or not its over. I'm not seeing insecurity so much from the OP as he let the conversation go for a while and it took some time for him to address them. And if he insecure he isn't asking about her cheating nor did he go blowing up her phone when she went out. Just sounds to me like a non caring gf who starts fights to fuck other guys.

Women will start fights to cover all sorts of tracks. And make it your fault on top of it.

I don't care if she fucks your brother and swipes $200 out of your mothers purse. She'll make it so much your fault, you'll be buying her flowers for doing it.

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I could try your "always speak to your needs" and "always explain everything" method, but then I'd be single like you.

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Now Im not saying any of this is true, I am just providing the counterpoint to a lot of insecure thinking and diagnosing of what's going on.

I'm single?

Jackzero, how should I break this news to my gf?

Even let's assume someone is single. Is there something inherently pathological in that by itself? Looking at a sea of toxic relationships out there (generalization), largely the result of people taking to passive aggressive, manipulative and coercive tactics to have needs met I'd imagine many people might argue that being single isn't so bad. Many of these same people will attest they're better off single than in a poisonous stagnant relationship where both partners habitually inflict wounds on one another because they are so shut off from their own needs.


Question for you, though. So seeing as you're against communicating needs in a relationship, what strategy do you propose for fostering a healthy connection with your partner? I am all 'ears' as perhaps there's a far better alternative that I m not aware of.

Nope. A sociopath will. Stop dating them, problem solved.

I'm not against communicating needs, just against communicating needs all the time. I agree with a lot of what you say.

A "healthy connection" is IMHO good sex, affection, honesty, and above average communication. All those things should be happening or it's going to slip.

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