| I forced myself to go out, but I'm glad I did.
The #1 I noticed was the importance of social proof. The people around you have to know who you are. Is this guy normal? Sane? Is he okay in the head because he's awfully quiet.
At the beginning of the night, I noticed that I indeed have bipolar and that all the medicine in the world won't cure it.
I was reminded of a line from the movie "Big Daddy," that "initiating the conversation is half the battle."
Another guy who knew a girl who was sitting by herself went up to her and said "you're playing games" referring to what she was doing on her phone. That's how easy it is to start a conversation if you know the person. If I were to have said the same thing to her, she would wonder why this creepy weirdo is trying to start talking to her.
A lot of my problems are feeling of worthlessness and a lack of self-esteem. Hence why I have become the delusional narcissist, but hopefully you can see that that has waned.
People would overlook my past if I acted right in the present. I am becoming more and more convinced of this.
I am seen as shy, but I also know that I'm a psycho and if you know my story, you know that as well.
I notice other guys having long conversations with girls about their lives and talking about other people. It occurred to me that I don't even WANT to be talking to them for that long. Sex is probably the only topic of conversation that would interest me past 3 seconds. That being said, I turned down sex earlier today from a girl I met on Craigslist because it didn't seem worth the 45 minute drive.
If a girl walked up to me and tried to start a conversation, she would have a tough time doing so. It's hard to get anything out of me. A few days ago, I was at a bar and the girl asked how to pronounce my last name. I just give a sarcastic answer like "I don't know" with a very sharp and negative tone.
At one point, I noticed that I resented the "femininity" of girls that were walking down town. I was reminded of the time that I was fucking a girl and she had a piece of toilet paper sticking out of her ass from not wiping correctly. That could be any of these girls. I need to take them off the pedestal and humanize them. Even the hottest girl in the most upscale club could have that piece of toilet paper sticking out of her ass.
At one point, in a lower-end bar, I was giving off a vibe like "I don't care if I fuck you or not," and I'm certainly not going to bend over backwards to do so. In some cases, I wouldn't fuck the girls in a million years even if they paid me, even to girls that others would find attractive, if there's something about them (their personality) that I don't like.
I feel like I give off a psycho vibe at times and at times, I hope this comes across to the people that are observing me. That I am not to be messed around with or played with, etc.
At one point, I was feeling how completely unfascinated I am with vagina.
Then, I went into a club that you had to pay for. The upscale clubs. I noticed that it took the kind of girl that works at the door their (selected for their beauty, but still human) to attract me. I really need the top tier of woman to attract me at this point. Being very rich might help get them, but I wouldn't want to just give money away.
At one point, I felt like I was extremely depressed in ways that cannot be helped.
I thought of a DHV story for when someone asks what I do for a living (which happens very rarely, people don't approach me). The fact that I'm about to start a business mailing 30,000 - 50,000 letters to people possibly willing to sell their house, and I will flip that contract to an investor and profit about $5,000 per deal. I know people that do this and they make over $100,000/year and that is on a much smaller scale. Flipping thousands of houses per year and making tons of money should move me up the social ladder.
A lot of the hottest girls at the biggest clubs were dancing with other girls.
I should set a mission for myself: Get to know one of the hot girls that work in the clubs. I need to go to the high-end clubs more often so that they know my face and feel comfortable, but my past will come back to haunt me.
Despite that fact that I'm a psycho, I am so shy and introverted that a girl would get bored after 2 seconds. I really don't talk that much. I don't know if I'm the "strong, silent type," or the "weak, silent type."
At times, I feel like I don't know how to make their pussy wet.
Then, at the end of my night, I went into one of the most upscale clubs in the city. I noticed girls looking at me, just like that one night I talked about a while back. I could have approached any girl there, but I didn't. Still don't know how. But at least I was getting the looks and respect that I know I deserve.
Approaching hot girls in upscale clubs is a DHV in itself, especially if I am drinking water instead of alcohol like I was tonight. I will no longer be drinking alcohol. Alcohol is not a legitimate way to ease social anxiety.
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THIS USER HAS BEEN BANNED
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