i have come to a realization. before, this was subconscious but today i caught myself consciously doing this.

the reason i am not a go getter is because i am afraid of losing whatever it is that i am going to get.

i am trying to protect myself.

why do i not show any love to my family? why do i act like a cold emotionless asshole to them? why do i never hug them or buy them a gift? because when they are gone, i dont want to feel their absence. so i have chosen to not enjoy their presence while they are here.

why do i not get a girlfriend? because when we break up, it's going to hurt.

why do i not grow my business and make it great? because if i lose something great, it's going to hurt. i would rather not have it to begin with.

why do i not enjoy ANYTHING in life, ANYTHING? because if i lose it, it's going to suck. so i try to be depressed at all times.

it's weird because the days i approach girls, everything becomes so clear, regardless of the outcome. today i approached one girl, just one. i got the boyfriend excuse. but then all these things that i am doing subconsciously became so clear. you know how when some people do drugs and they get high they start realizing what they are doing wrong? that's what happens to me when i approach girls, i start realizing things.

Edit: I found a better way of stating this so it's more clear: I dont enjoy something BECAUSE i know some day that thing is going to end.

If you don't strive for what you want, you already lost it.

You make it sound like you have a good life already...So the only way is up, right?

This confirms my previous suspicions that you just simply sabotage yourself. The best things in life are not easy to come by.

It's mindsets like yours, that makes me so excited about my future because I can not be less than average. With anything.

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

Dragula,

I was just thinking about adding this to the end of my post: "Dragula was right, I purposely sabotage myself"

what do you mean by "good life"? i am relatively healthy, i am not homeless, i dont go to bed hungry, so i guess?

what do you mean "the only way is up"? i dont see your logic. when a ball is thrown and it's at the highest point, the only way is down. so why does a good life mean the only a way is up? when your life is good, the only way is down, no?

So you currently enjoy your life?

It is a subjective topic, but to me, being a virgin with a dead end job seems like a bad thing (To me) - There is a reason you're on this forum, right? But if you are truly happy with your current life, then fair enough, there is no need to be frustrated on a forum, is there?

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

no, i dont enjoy my life, when did i ever say that? you're the one who said i have a good life.

Where and when did I say that you have a good life? I have only mentioned you should be striving to constantly improving it...

I don't get it Bartm, you just contradicted yourself from your last post...Do you hate or like your life?

So you hate life but you're just happy tolerating it till you die, is that what you're saying?

To use your own crapy analogy back at you, balls can bounce from floor and go back up...Ever heard the phrase 'To bounce back'?

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

I am not contradicting myself.
you just said in this very thread "it sounds like you have a good life"
I think you're not understanding the point of my original post. I dont blame you, the english language is just ambiguous.
bottom line: I refuse to enjoy life because when life's over, that's going to suck.
if i dont enjoy it, when life's over it's not going to suck because it wasn't enjoyable. so I make sure I dont enjoy it.
it's like if a movie is bad, when it's over, that doesn't suck, you're happy that it's over. but if the movie was great, when it's over that sucks.
i am trying to protect myself.

No I said 'You make it SOUND like you have a good life' (I was stating that you do not have a good life)
Anyway, you don't wanna help yourself, so you might as well leave the forum, right? Why are you here?

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

oh i got you.
before today i thought i wanted to help myself but today i realized i dont. so i wont be posting here as often, unless i have a really specific question that's bugging me.

With that mentality, life's already over for you before it even began. While you're over there worrying about life sucking, the rest of us are investing in ourselves / improving our lives. Yes, we've all been in adverse situations where we've felt heartbroken and destroyed afterwards. Hell, I'm going through one right now. But it's how you grow. Your life starts outside your comfort zone. The reason you're not seeing progress is because there is too much inertia -- it takes way too much mental energy to get you to leave your comfort zone. Change your mindset.

no, I dont think you got me.
I refuse to enjoy something BECAUSE i know some day that something will end.
I am trying to protect myself.
it's like a parent gives their kid an amazing toy that he has always wanted, but they tell him "you can only have this for one day. tomorrow I am going to return it to the store"
In this situation, I will say "no, I dont want it if it's only temporary"
i dont see your logic, i dont think it has anything to do with my comfort zone.

You're interesting. What's the point of posting here then?

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Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.

Dragula already caught on to this apparent contradiction and I explained it. before yesterday, all of this was subconscious and I kept sabotaging myself but didn't know why. yesterday I realized why. I just dont want it, man. if I wanted it, I wouldn't be so lazy.

Eddie was right, if I quit being so lazy, I would do ok. I am just being lazy.

you know, a few years ago, I was a premed student at university, I took all the required courses for medical school and I even took the medical school entrance exam and got an acceptable score which could have gotten me into an ok school. But every year, I kept postponing to the next year. I asked someone in real life "How do I know if I want to be a doctor? it's so hard to make a decision"
he said "if you wanted it, you would have already applied, gotten in, and finished. you don't want it"
I thought "OMG he is right!!"

same shit applies here, I just don't want it, man. if I wanted it, I would have done it by now.

If you're so sure that you don't want to engage in this lifestyle, why are you still thinking about it?