| @zookmaster I relate to your post and I feel your pain, bro. I'm 31 living with my folks, not even a job right now. I’m not even in a house with a basement, it's an apartment! My dad is snoring two walls away and gets up to shit at 3 am every night. Seriously, what HB wouldn't want on this bandwagon? I was about to go out into life around 6 years ago, then had a major case of oneitis (like I have all my life). This particular rejection was the tip of an iceberg that sent me into clinical depression. Six years and a lot of therapy later, I'm finally looking out towards the world again.
Here's what I can say based on my experience:
1. I can't be a real man and live into my power as long as I'm living with my parents. It's just not possible. If you're around your folks on a daily basis you're in a child mindset. And the worst is you won't even know it if you have nothing to compare to. Once you move away your testosterone and adrenaline start flowing in a different way. You say "I lose interest in girls from time to time" - this is your suppressed testosterone and adrenaline. Being around mom and dad will do this, because you're used to hiding your sexuality and aggression around them. Once you get out into the world and leave your parents behind your sex drive will pick up on its own.
2. The problem is, without a strong sex and power drive it's harder to motivate yourself to move out of your parents' house. A couple of things that are helping me:
a) I stopped talking to my parents unless absolutely necessary and don't make eye contact anymore. I also try not to be in the house when they are here and awake. This is helping me individuate from them mentally. It's the first step to making a physical separation.
b) I'm not letting my mother feed me anymore (though she tries hard). I'm buying my own food and insisted on paying my parents rent. If you can't make the leap to independence, small steps are better than nothing and will get you there eventually.
c) It sounds harsh, but start looking at your current situation as a diseased condition. The other guys here are pretty implying that in their posts. In this society it's not healthy to be in your 30's and dependent on your parents. It's also a real burden on them, if you think about it. Even if you're feeding yourself, they are still psychologically burdened by you. They had a life before you were born and a part of them is dreaming to have a life after you (even if they'll never say it to you). It might feel warm and fuzzy to be with mom and dad, but this is just hiding the painful reality from you. If you're anything like me, you're in a lot of pain underneath because your real needs as a man and an adult are not being met. Start uncovering this pain and admitting it to yourself. That will get you moving. I know a guy in his 50's who never moved away from his mother's house. She had just died and he was facing the world for the first time. It's not a pretty sight, man. It's sad, painful and tragic to see a guy like that. It's a half-wasted life. I damn sure don't want that to be me.
d) NoFap. Seriously, this can be a life changer. Jacking off is just another entitlement, like getting regular breakfast from mom. Since I've I started cutting it out (it's a struggle) my eyes are opening to women in a different way. Now that self-sex isn't an option I keep thinking: if I don't go after them, there's no sex for me, period. NoFap is like cutting up your credit cards. Gives you a boost to go out and WORK.
3. Game-wise, living with my parents gives me SHAME. I feel less than other people my age, both guys and girls. I'm pretty good at talking girls up. I can approach someone on the train and get a good response, even a number. But my game comes to a standstill sooner or later because I'm afraid to be honest about myself. I'm always dreading those two questions: "What do you do? Where do you live?" I need to hide the fact that I don't keep my own home (or have a job). Any self-respecting girl will get the red flags as soon as she hears that. Girls might like your looks, but they assess your social status and power. That's what really matters to them when they think about being with you and trusting you. When they see a guy who's living with his parents, they think DEPENDENT. Why would they want to join you in your dependency? Most of them already got their own, and they want YOU to get them out of it.
The worst part is, you're likely limiting yourself subconsciously because you know where you stand. If you're living with your parents, you're still mom and dad's son. You're not your own man. You know this at some level, even if you don’t admit it to yourself. And this knowledge will sabotage you whatever you try. It will make you hate yourself.
4. Like you I've got better than average looks, also pretty high intelligence. I'm used to getting attention from women on both counts. Problem is, I don't know what to do with that attention. I don't have game. So the higher class girls feel attracted to me for a bit, have a peek, see that I've got no edge, and then they move on. This happened to me in January with a girl from a well-to-do family. I bit the bait and when she rejected me I had this cringing pain in my solar plexus for weeks. That's when I knew it's time to start working on my power. Without exception, the girls who've stuck by me over the years have been needy and desperate. This is what you get with the entitlement mindset, in my experience. If you're not doing any work and wait for girls to come to you, you'll get the ones who don't have many options. This woman in January basically hit on me because she's getting on in age and is desperate to have children. It's been similar in all of my relationships. I get the aging girls or the victimized girls or the sexually repressed girls. I feel for all of them, but I don't want that anymore. So I'm going to do what I need to do to change it.
5. Some guys out there are probably smirking at a guy in his 30's living with his parents. But the truth is, living with your parents into your 30's probably means you've got issues that run deep and are beyond your awareness. In my case, I have enmeshment issues with both my parents and there's a history of emotional incest in the family. These things go back to my early childhood. Basically, my parents were not mature enough to raise me properly. Therapy helped me see that I feel serious guilt when I think about leaving them. It feels like I'm abandoning them. So I've learned to fear my independence and make all sorts of excuses. Your situation may be different, but it's worth looking into. I've met a lot of "late starters" like me, both men and women. I can tell you that all of them had some serious emotional baggage related to their parents. For me this baggage showed up as life-long ‘oneitis’ and all the pain that comes with it. I get a whiff of that from you when you say "it's always in the back of my mind how I deserve a great girl who is into me as much as I would be into them". This sounds like a Madonna-type fantasy, the kind of thing that comes from having mother issues. If you're never getting laid like you said, you might be idealizing girls and dealing with some kind of guilt underneath. I don't mean to judge, I'm in the same boat. I can tell you that working on these issues will free up your energy so you can start getting what you want and feeling good about it.
Not sure how much of this applies to you, but I thought I'd share what came to mind. Thanks for your post, it's helping me get my own shit into words.
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CHAT
