Well I was hoping to talk more about bonding than anything. I don't know about all this being afraid to lose chicks. Probably the opposite of where I am right now...


I think we are misinterpreting some things. I don't really care what a woman thinks about what I say or do... I am pretty casual about a lot of things. sometimes I don't express myself in the way I intended. I will say this, Neo is right about me viewing opening up as a tactic. I derive my success mostly by being mysterious. I don't really talk about myself because I get by most of the time avoiding such a thing. Not because I am scared what she thinks, but because I can usually find myself having her talk 80% of the time. Lately, I have been speaking my mind and being "honest" as some of you guys call it... because I just find it interesting to look at both sides of the coin. When I am mysterious the woman chases hell of a lot more but when I am pumping out my "true self" or "being real" she is loving the "honesty" as some of you put it but at the same time I can see that too much of that can backfire.... It's quite fascinating to see both ends of the spectrum. Usually my default mystery setting is my go to. Doesn't really backfire as I know when to pepper in some information to keep the party rolling.


The reason I said opening up isn't really useful (for me at least) is because it isn't what she really wants. Especially early on. Even when she asks such deep questions I just redirect such talk for a later time if I feel like it's too early to divulge such information... I believe in the whole if the keg is gone then the party is done phrase. She doesn't really care at that point, even if she does want to know about you. It's a tough sentence to grasp but it's been working for me so far. I usually wait to "open up" a little when there's some connection made. Even then, I don't see the need to keep it real.

Most guys tend to do these life stories, but for what. You're shooting yourself in the foot, hold back your cards and save them for another time. No point in being honest right away if you can keep stringing her along like a little kitten. Most of my girls don't really know much about me. It doesn't bother me. I do know a lot about them however. I think vulnerability has a place.

But what's more interesting is watching all the guys who are in long term relationships with emotionally abusive women. They are co-dependent with these women because these women get them addicted to sex. It's hard for a man to not feel so bonded to a woman with that much sex, especially over a year which is why many men have a hard time getting over their ex even though these women are not healthy for them emotionally. It's one of the reasons I don't like the word co-dependent. In the end women work the same. I find it more interesting that even thought these are so called relationships, a woman doesn't really want to hear about your gripes and troubles. If you feel down, I don't think women will try to make you feel better. I don't think it works that way. I believe that the opposite happen.

This woman that you speak of that genuinely cares about her man is a rare woman. They exist but it's like finding a needle in a haystack. When I meet such a woman then sure, I will fancy your co-dependence thinga majig. But for the time being, co-dependence doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

I derive my success mostly by being mysterious.

You can see how opening up can be a problem for you, right? You're using it as your primary tool to attract women. What is it that you fall back on when it comes to attraction afterwards? If you present yourself one way and it's attractive to women, you can't change that mid-game (well you can...but that's a more in depth talk) to the polar opposite and expect the same results. It's like changing identities.

Take it the other way around with a guy that presents himself like an open book. Let's say he meets a girl and she likes him. If he all of a sudden shuts down and stops being open, she's going to take that as a negative because he's no longer the same guy that she initially liked. Consistency is important.

I actually do not want to be dependent on anyone. This is why I have decided to vent only to my friends and a psychologist I see once a month. This helps a lot. I may meet awesome women, but like everything, they may leave like the seasons.

Which is why sometimes sharing all these feelings is pointless because eventually the woman will get agitated. She doesn't want to be an emotional tampon and make you feel better. Unfortunately when she has a problem, we are supposed to be dropping everything we are doing and helping them out. It doesn't usually happen that way for us.

Sorry N2, I reread your post. I just have to disregard the negative connotations associated with dependency for me to fully grasp it. The fact that you compare it to the relationship with your a mother and her child doesn't really help though

Fair enough. Think of a secure dependent relationship as one where you derive the courage to grow intra-psychically. Its a symbiotic relationship of sorts. Like a good business partner, you know you can depend on that person, and in turn it nurtures your individual growth. In this sense I used the mother/child analogy; this is just the adult version of that. I don't mean in the sense that one person acts as parent, and the other child. I mean in the sense that both partners strengthen and enhance the lives of each other - more like a gestalt of sorts, or a 'holism' where the whole (in this case, the relationship) is far greater than its individual pieces.

Be an open book. Don't be Verbal Diarrhea Guy who has no boundaries whatsoever and spills everything on the girl because he's so desperate for approval, or to feel heard by someone. That's insecurity, that's operating out of neediness and off-putting to anyone. Don't confuse the two.

I'm aware. Which is why I mentioned I was playing with the idea of "opening up" lately. I was just curious. I am not really like that at all as I've come to learn.. it doesn't feel right. I am an under the radar kind of guy.

"Playing with the idea of opening up lately" <---a step in the right direction. What does "I am an under the radar kind of guy" mean exactly?

I am naturally mysterious so that's what i usually tend to do without thinking how it attracts women. I only figured out that it's one of my strengths as a player. I don't change at mid-game at all. I am as mysterious as it gets.

I do play it up in the beginning and naturally let it leak out because the girls thinks she is "getting to me" and is getting closer to my core. Which is adorable to watch but it sets up the perfect pace for me to "leak" stuff out at a pace that I naturally comfortable with. Which is very little information at a time.

N2 already described my attachment style and he is right, I don't really let people get too close.. I don't really like it. I have gotten better with it though, i don't push people away like that anymore, lately people have been a nice distance but I don't see the need to let them any closer. Emotions cloud judgment. I like to detach from the situation. I like being in control of my emotions. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, it's not really my style.


Which is why I have been practicing talking with a handful of ladies and just letting myself "connect" as you have told me before Jack.

I think part of the reason people choose polyamorous relationships is that they maintain a certain level of superficiality. When you're married to a person for 20 years, you see the real, raw and ugly. You can't fully see that when dating multiple partners. And by doing so, you don't allow yourself to get too emotionally involved. You protect yourself, in a sense, from heartbreak.

The reason I said opening up isn't really useful (for me at least) is because it isn't what she really wants. Especially early on. Even when she asks such deep questions I just redirect such talk for a later time if I feel like it's too early to divulge such information... I believe in the whole if the keg is gone then the party is done phrase.

But what's more interesting is watching all the guys who are in long term relationships with emotionally abusive women. They are co-dependent with these women because these women get them addicted to sex. It's hard for a man to not feel so bonded to a woman with that much sex.......

In the end women work the same. I find it more interesting that even thought these are so called relationships, a woman doesn't really want to hear about your gripes and troubles. If you feel down, I don't think women will try to make you feel better.