Of course. I already said that in this and other threads as well.

Sex, regular sex, bath sex, all kind of nasty positions, oral, not going to go into details.

I had sex with her, but I don't love her because of that, but because of the connecting and rapport we had over time. We never argued like most people do and I really like such clarity and honesty in communication.

This is not a typical "horny guy is in love because he wants sex from his ex" kind of stuff. Not to be arrogant, it is not my style to puff and brag but there are other women that like me and I could easy have sex with them, but that's just too superficial. Just sex and no feelings, nothing more, no real LOVE MAKING.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Gotta say man...this is some crazy delusion. First you create this relationship in your mind with this chick. Then you think in your head you broke up with her. Now its you're in love with her like its the last 30 mins of Titanic.
This is called being a friend. A long distance one. A penpal. A phone buddy. I doubt this chick was talking to you like "babe, I miss you"....damn you had to come up with an excuse to see her after a year. If this connection was serious, she or you would have been talking about when you could stay by her, forget the pretenses. You never argued. I never argued with my mailwoman. I guess thats a sign of something. Its not. You never argued because wasnt shit there. Its EASY not to argue with a long distance FRIEND.

Again, more delusions. Lets be real, this summer sex/phone buddy thing is the closest youve had to a relationship ever.

I say send the message, because I've started to realize that alot of guys here have issues that cant be solved from a thread, or sending vs not sending a message. This kind of neediness takes years to eliminate, if it ever can be. Pain stabbing you over a lay you havent seen for a year, who chatted with you about what she ate for lunch and other friend talk, IS NOT HEALTHY OR NORMAL. If the conversations and connection were real, chick wouldve brought up "will you be my bf." Chick would have been begging to see you. Dating/fucking other women isnt going to help because its a deeper issue. You'll fuck another girl, she'll keep her distance, and the you'll think the ONE girl who spoke to you regularly is the last woman on earth...because its the closest youve been to one. I'm sorry man, but this isnt love...its desperation. What you saw as connection was just friendly talk. Either pick your poison; this was a girl you had some connection with, well she shat on that. If this was a girl with no connection, now you're just crazy.

If you "shared this connection", why are you worried about her thinking it was just summer sex and fun? How the fuck do you guys have connections with girls that dont even know its connection?! You know how crazy it sounds every time I hear someone here say they had some ONE WAY connection with a chick. Do you guys have "connections" with your coffee table, or bookcase, or other things that dont connect back? Because if its only YOU feeling a connection...its NOT a fucking connection. She's not thinking "Oh...I thought all those phone conversations were just fun...I didnt know we were connecting! Thats great...I feel it now!" She was present for the same conversations you were; if she has to be told that it was deeper than fun...THEN IT WAS NOT DEEPER.

If you wanted to be honest you'd have sent the message. But no, you want to get her from this message. You want to get a chick living in another country, who you havent seen for a year to be your gf. I may sound harsh, but I seriously hope you dont get this girl, or ANY girl for that matter. I hope women run away from you until your sort your issues out. Because if you're that obsessed and hurt over a summer lay from 2015, form relationships in your mind that chicks didnt agree too, I have to be afraid for the woman who DOES she say will be your gf. Because if she ever decides to leave, you wouldnt be able to handle that if you feel so sick over a penpal. You might kill yourself or kill the chick at that point. This shit is sad and fucking unhealthy. Send the message, because I dont think you'll understand how desperate this all is already.

My advice 2 f'ing year ago to you:
This is the NEXT "gf" you gotta fight for?

Yes you are right. I agree with that. I created all this in my mind, no need to excuse myself.
Titanic metaphor was cool, but probably not really the same love but a mildly version.

First part of that is true as well. She never said such things right.
Regarding arguing - I don't like to argue with anyone in general. I don't like conflict. Some women actually do and this turns me off, but she doesn't like conflict neither, that's why I let her closer to me.

Actually yes. She was the closest person I was intimate with and still feeling connected (even friendly to).
That's why I fantasize a relationship with her.
Yes that sounds true. I consciously realize that. But how could I fix that issue. Neediness appears because I've always wanted to have some deeper intimate connection with someone and have mutual trust. But I never had that and I'm missing it badly. So every women that I meet and that I find attractive and that matches my values, at some point I start fantasizing about those things with her. It is typical human need to look for a bond with someone. Yes I try to not show it when I meet with new people of course. And in the begging everything is OK. When I don't give the vibe of anything serious everything goes smoothly. But when I do - everything falls apart and women get distant in most cases.
What is the problem regarding that. I don't know and it really hurts to know tat the next person you will meet you will have good time with but she will go when I attempt to hint her that I want exclusvity. And its not because of her, since 3 months down the road she is with someone in a seeming like from outside "happy relationship".
I really don't know how to fix it. Dating doesn't help. I do sports, I set professional goals, I try not to waste my time with ridiculous stuff, I travel, I'm pro self improvement and I've read tons of psychology books.
Yes this is right too. From her side probably it wasn't deeper. I tried not to deepen it in the beginning, obviously no need for that. So I decided to wait one year to see if she felt it more deeply. She didn't hinted anything serious. So here am now. Testosterone from one side forces me to take action and get things in control. Rational thought and forum community on the other hand says its better to stop torturing myself.
I don't want to argue with you neither. I appreciate your cooperation. I don't know what will happen with her. On some level I want to be with her, on another I realize that giving people freedom is the best approach. I know how it feels someone to take your freedom psychologically or emotionally and I don't want to do it to others.
Yet obviously I don't want to happen as you say with ALL girls that I get in relation with.
And I definitely will not kill myself in act of desperation nor kill others. My work is to help people and better their lives, but sometimes the helper needs help too.

I know there has to be something I need to do and I can do, but IDK what it is. It is pure psychology.
And at the same time I don't want to regret further down the road for NOT doing something when I had to.

Life is too short to be afraid of what someone else would have though of and to be silent about and hide what we feel, what we think and what we want...
(what do you think about that btw)

_________________
"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Here's the irony, I am a psychotherapist and I am telling you (something I don't do with clients) that this isn't pure psychology, it is more about DOING. That is, making better decisions rather than engaging in endless sessions of mental masturbation.

I've been there where you're not getting a definitive answer, or the "let's take a step back and work on a friendship first" thing. And maybe her reasons are she's afraid to get involved, or maybe as Neo said she's just using you for validation, and that she feels 'safe' holding onto that until something else comes along.

Regardless, you're not getting what you want. You want a relationship, she's not willing to give you that. Instead you're allowing yourself to be kept in a holding pattern. So, u'll continue getting MORE of what you don't want, and in the mean time all the energy of this 'relationship' will drain you and u'll end up not moving anywhere in life.

A relationship with someone should EMPOWER you, they ADD to your life and feed you energy wise, not drain you, and make you feel dead half the time, and hold you from evolving as a human being.

She's a headwind in your life, plain and simple and only you can pull yourself out of this by making a decision to end it, to free yourself up and move forward.

Everything you say is absolutely right.

I am torturing myself that way and she doesn't even know it. Believe me I try my best to move on. I dated few other girls in this one year but somehow couldn't managed to make a connection with them as I did with her. Maybe I couldn't because I was secretly hoping that she eventually will give the relationship vibe. But she didn't, so I had to give it but seemingly she didn't wanted it.
It was all an illusion... I got myself into that, and only I have to got myself out.

I don't know why but every time I start feeling someone closer to me (shared values, beliefs, ideas) she doesn't feel like wanting to be exclusive and just be friends or just flirt or just sex - all superficial stuff.

And I want to be serious guy. Not to be perceived only as a candy or entertaining guy or second option.
If that is true what you say - that i'm the guy she was just filling her time until something else comes her way - then that sux even more. I feel used in that way. And I want to tell her that she can't just use people like that.

Now I'm even more afraid of going and dating other women, so they don't do something similar to me. What a fool I was.

I definitely have to move on. I don't want to stay at this town since everything especially now in the summer reminds me of the great time we had last summer and now my brain is messed with all those memories and stuff.

_________________
"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

For the record, I dont think she used you. I think you met a chick, had a summer fling, she went back home, you romanticized the nature of the relationship more in your head, she kept contact with you as a friend, she got a bf, you decided you love her, she doesnt feel any connection beyond friendship. I dont think she led you on.

I honestly dont have an idea of what makes women not stick around. Neediness, sure...but you say you hide it, and I'd expect you to at least get a gf before she leaves...chicks are leaving before that. Crazy idea; call her and ask her. Get feedback on what keeps a girl from committing to you.

I'll tell you something. If you aren't determine to make a change NOTHING will happen.

I am a pretty smart guy. I got involved with a VERY toxic woman just over 3 years ago at my gym, there were flags early on - regardless at that point in time I wasn't attracted to myself so I ALLOWED myself to exercise poor judgment and 'follow' my heart.

What did it get me. 3.5 years of grief (and trauma, especially when I'd found out bits and pieces about her history - predating me for the most part but pretty serious stuff). On/off we went for the last few years. I'd kick her out of my life, only for her to return several months later; she'd always found some excuse to reach-out. The last time was the fall of last year.

Wanting to see the best in her I allowed her 'in' when in April I'd decided I"d had enough, and enough of STRINGING myself along (she'd said by the end of it I didn't treat her right, I was essentially blamed for all the issues we had).

Each time I re-engaged with her, or let her back into my life I succumbed to my attachment. Each time it'd hit the reset button on healing, and set me back creating a deficit of sorts. I am still healing. I don't blame her, I hold myself responsible for the decision I'd made. I would never support a client to remain in such a relationship, yet here I was in it and in a tailspin of sorts feeling alienated at times and alone at others.

I tell you this as a cautionary tale.

Each time she'd come to me with "I just see us as friends", in spite of initiating me for a relationship and telling me she can't get me out of her mind, I'd then end it.

After months of no contact (I NEVER broke contact, its always her at some point) I grew to expect her to return - and this became the new 'pattern' or cycle. It's been over 3 months now since I had ended things. I've learned from the past that by ExPECTING her return that I was holding myself back. Now I tell myself that it doesnt matter if she contacts or not, I AM done, and that in itself is empowering.

I don't blame her, she's a damaged person. I don't blame myself even, I wanted to see the good in her and to believe deep down we were capable of turning things around for the better. I know that's not possible, at least given that the person takes no accountability in their behavior (it takes two to admit responsibility for any hope of reconciliation and change).

For now all I focus on is healing. I focus on my sense of purpose and my goals: my practice, my business plan/idea I am developing, self-improvement in any form that may be, bodybuiding/fitness goals, guitar and song writing, connecting with friends etc... I got enough good stuff on my plate to feed myself.

It all starts with you and making healthier choices. You've got to be that change you want to see in the world, or remain on the sidewalk of life and go nowhere repeating the mistakes of old like a skipping record.

Thank you for your detailed description.

This is all me btw. I was thinking the same way for years a month ago. It is just because having an intimate bond between us that I felt her closer and at one point when she announced me there is s.o. else this shook me and made me feel I'm loosing something that I invested time and energy in.
Pure psychology here - natural human response is when ppl feel someone took something from them they tend to want it back 10x more than if they have to have in the 1st place if they haven't had it previously.

_________________
"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

You did it to yourself though. Let her go homie, the illusion of her you'd created.

Time to move on and heal.

Yes its true. I did it to myself.
Probably I shouldn't ever feel love, since it only damages. And when I take the "dont care attitude" all is fine.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Ok? So what are you going to do about it?

I wrote her last week that I want to tell her something. One week she was offline, last night she got on (so probably she read it), however didn't replay to ask what I want to tell her...

I still want to tell her what I feel and still want to be assertive, but somehow I sense I can't push her any more.
It is her turn - she has to come to me. (which god knows when it will happen).

And staying in this middle space pains me really.

I still date other women, I still pursue my goals and still do sports etc but its just a distraction.
When I go back to bed at night I still think about it. I've written 5 pages regarding what I think and how I feel it. I don't plan to whine and moan about it, but just straight forward lay the cards down.

Best case would be she to contact me so we can talk and get clear with one another. I'd prefer she telling that nothing can happen between us, so I stop having some imaginary expectations, I'll accept that with respect, but she doesn't do that either. She remains silent and thus leaves me clue less, which makes me be even more hyped up.

What do you think is best now?
1. Be strong and wait, leaving it as it is (give her space),
or
2. Pursue her to talk and get ourselves clear once and for all.

All I need is clarity at the moment...

-----

Thank you for your time...

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

I call bull shit

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

You call bullshit, i call whysoskinny2