Quote:
What are your feelings?
Honestly they are mixed. (yet positive)
I feel that I want to tell her that I like her and to some extend care and value her as a person.
Alas the true intent behind your initial question has been revealed, as I'd predicted. You're feeling a sense of remorse over not having been honest with your feelings towards this girl while you were courting her. Fast forward to now, the fact she's pretty much inaccessible you're wanting to do so as a last ditch effort in hope it'll win her over; post-hoc.
To digress back to your original question, however, by your current logic of wanting to tell her how you truly feel towards her now is, in itself, an answer to your own question as to when to admit one's feelings.
Right now, where you're at is very different from where you were at when she was IN your life and accessible to you.
So. To answer your question when is it ok to admit your feelings in a relationship? WHEN they come up, as in when you're aware of them in the present moment. You, however, are living in a post-present moment. One foot in the past "what could have been?" and one in the future "she's my only option". That is not being present, and as such you'll always come out of a place of scarcity in functioning emotionally off of feelings that are steeped in the past, and/or future projections.
Example. If I am worried I won't have another chance with a girl that my mind's convinced me is amazing, when I express my emotions out of that energy it'll come through a pleading 'please-don't-leave-me' energy.
Contrast this to being on a 1st, 2nd or 20th date with a girl, holding her hand as we're strolling across the beach at sunset, and I turn to her look into her eyes and tell her "I m really enjoying this moment with you", which comes out of how I am feeling in that moment and not based on any mental filter (e.g. catastrophizing, mind reading etc).
I feel like I want to tell her I realize that I reacted emotional last time we talked when she told me she is seeing someone.
Again hereinlies the problem. You're minimzing your own emotions and putting hers above your own. This comes back to valuing one's self first and foremost, that which you clearly aren't doing. You're not being vulnerable in telling her how you feel now, you're exposing yourself out of desperation in hopes she'll return.
Btw, why shouldn't you have felt emotional in that moment? I'd be hurt, as would any guy on this board if a girl he was interested in became involved with someone else. Why dishonor yourself like that and minimize it? Why? To gain some 'respect' point from her while you further disrespect yourself and lower your own integrity? Be careful. The more you sell off your integrity for someone else, ANYONE, the digger the hole you dig for yourself and the LONGER it takes to climb out...WELL past the point that they're gone for from your life, you'll be putting your energies into getting out of that hole you'd dug. Is it worth it?
It was a very spur rushed decision from my side to tell her "we better stop communicating". Partly I did it because it shaked me emotionally and I didn't wanted to look week.
Again. Was it really that rash? OR were you doing what you knew how to do to protect yourself?
Partially I did it because I felt that s.o. is taking what I was
thinking was mine - i.e. possessiveness appeared. (yes I know it is was bad, i'm working on it) I regret doing so it big time now.
I feel like I want to tell her I value certain qualities in her.
You've long sinced abandoned yourself. What about you in all of this? Do you have even 1 quality about yourself you like right here, right now in this moment?
I feel like I want to apologize her if somehow in some way I offended her, because in a sense I told her that when I come to France I want to experience good time together, and she might have interpreted it as me just wanting to come and bang her (of course I do want to bang her, but its not the only reason I want to go there), I don't really know how she perceived it.
Again. You've sacrificed so much of yourself you're willing to continually throw yourself under the bus for someone not even worth your time and effort, to someone who is a HEADWIND in your life.
I feel like a I want to tell her that I was letting the possibility for us to be in LTR, but I don't know if she was as well.
And yes all those things are coming from a place of honesty and being genuine and I don't want to do them just to trick her with words in order to get in her pants.
No. Your judgment is clouded. All of this is coming from a scarcity mindset. You're willing to further sell yourself down the river to have her attention.
However you are damn right that I a bit afraid of doing so, since it looks to me that by doing so I reveal all my cards, and I feel like I'm giving my power to her, so she has more control than me and I basically let everything to chance. And of course I want to be a real man and keep my power, stand my ground and be though or at least look tough.
See thing is that in so many cases I want to give myself the impression of a cool, laid back guy who doesn't get affected easy and it works in the begging of the relation. That attitude that I'm free minded, detached from commitment and seriousness - that is one thing that also attracted them in the begging
... HOWEVER (and this is big one) deep inside of me I want to be serious, to have a gf that I can trust and keep and not just every month go out and be with random girls. Even that gets boring - i realize now.
So in brief I feel like a stretched rubber - my emotions tell me to admit my true feeling and attitude, however my logic and reasoning hints me that I'll look week if I do so.
And this whole thing sometimes drives me nuts.
Thanks for your prev detailed reply.
You also have a very Anxious style of attachment. It will take you some time to heal. You're wanting some solace for your pain but you will not get any of that from her only more wounds, only further feelings of indignity as you sell yourself short for a fantasy relationship that existed only in your head. You're looking to her for an 'everything is alright' response which won't happen, whilst you've abandoned yourself and are like the thirsty old man in the dessert. The heroin addict itching for the next hit, willing to do whatever it takes even if it means selling his soul to get it.
CHAT
