For those of you who know my relationship, you will understand this situation best. I was on my girlfriends phone because mine was charging when I ran across a SPAM message. It was her friend on vacation. Scroll about an inch upwards and I see her girlfriend say "I wish for one day that *I* didn't exist so she could have sex with her guy friend and tell her about it" and my girlfriend replied "hahaha omg I know.." The girlfriend also commented this guy is uniquely sexy, and my girlfriend agreed. Now this guy and my girlfriend are dance partners but they've been going out and hanging out. Quite frankly, I have had a suspicion for a while but she always pulled the "don't be insecure/jealous card" when I questioned what appears to be dates. Admittedly, we have been doing better. Secondly, it appears she hasn't done anything with this guy or she would have told this friend no doubt. However, what appears to be friendship seems to be more because what "friend" would you find sexually attractive? The girlfriend also said "not boyfriend material though" and my girlfriend said "no definitely not." Indicating friends with benefits or something a long those lines. I of course confronted her, prematurely perhaps. I wanted clarity on the situation and she reassured me that she would never cheat on me and that she was only joking to get a long with this girl. RIGHT. Personal thoughts are most true, especially when she doesn't think I'll find out. I said, "what kind of friend would you have sex with when I am out of the picture?" She deflected with me invading her privacy even though she knows I know her passwords and she willingly let's me read her other messages. I agreed that it's a double edged sword that I innocently ran across this, because honestly I had been trusting her. I wanted to see if she mentioned her and I to see what she thought about our relationship because I thought we were doing better. Ran across that. Now, she was saying we were doing better than ever, etc. I know I think we are both caught red handed because she was caught and I admitted I was on her phone. We agreed she should go to her cabin and I shouldn't. We planned on going today. Now she said the whole situation was stupid and she is frustrated because she hates when people invade her privacy which I knew because she had a history of people violating her trust, reading her diary, etc. So, now. This is a bigger problem on both ends. Now she trusts me less and I trust her less. At the end she blew up and started saying she wanted to leave the state to get space from me, and a lot of illegitimate claims about one or two things that had happened. Essentially she saved her 10,000 reasons she hates me for this moment, and possibly later to justify this relationship with this guy

I haven't been able to put my finger on what's been up because this girl never communicates her feelings I think she just tries to ignore them but blows up later. I believe this guy is her "friend" or at least hasn't been with him. However, even still, she could have stood up for our relationship to a horny girlfriend who usually supports our relationship. I know guys talk like this, but we aren't usually entertaining the person who we find sexually attractive.

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

Noted

You both don't trust each other. As far as I m concerned there's no relationship as such.

So long as you're hellbent on digging and finding stuff on her, the insecurity will increase. The relationship is already on a crash course. It doesn't take a genius to see that from the outside looking in.

Question is do you (and she) want to put the effort into establishing trust. I'm not entirely sure the two of you are even capable of doing so without some sort of outside help (relationship therapist).

As for "I haven't been able to put my finger on what's been up because this girl never communicates her feelings I think she just tries to ignore them but blows up later." She may not feel safe around you for good reason in doing so. So long as you continue playing Detective she'll always have suspicions about you and you towards her. She's going to need a lot of empathy before she can drop her enemy image of you, but from the sounds of it you likely need a lot yourself (which you won't get from her) to drop this image you've created of her.

That said, is it worth the effort or simply ending it and finding something with a woman who communicates more clearly (assuming what you say is accurate about her not communicating).

I agree. She said that you find what you are looking for. This validated my insecurity. Usually though, I trust her and I know I can. Now I feel more reasons to not. I agree though that digging for evidence just makes me feel like she either hasn't done anything yet or she deleted it or whatever paranoia there is. Yes, the relationship is on the rocks. It was on a rebound but now she has more reasons to view it negatively

Nope. You don't trust her at all, you can lie to yourself but I can see right through the lie I m trained to.

If you'd trusted her you'd have left well enough alone, EVEN in spite of seeing the what app message.

Trust isn't a volume knob, or something you can do one off one day on. You either trust someone or you don't. It's pretty cut and dry, its not nuanced or of any degree.

You don't trust her. She doesn't trust you. Trust exists at the very foundation of ANY healthy relationship. This is far from that.

Yeah, maybe you are right. Was there reason not to trust her? Is this situation even bad or am I blowing it out of proportion?

I m not the one to answer that.

I can play either side justifying her response to you, and justifying your cause for concern. At the end of the day its how you feel, and if the relationship is causing you more grief than anything to take a good hard look at it.

Most, if not all the time these things don't just sort themselves out. I have to be honest the outcome for this relationship looks very bleak. If she's on board I'd seek-out the counsel of a good EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapist), or if $ is tight finding a meetup.com for couples in your area that has an EFT focus.

Unfortunately, I am learning the hard way that I don't trust her. She's been showing signs that are red flags, and has been, but things were better. I literally almost didn't even scroll through the messages but I did. I've learned a lot about myself over the last month or two, and luckily, I am learning it now so I can change before another relationship if that happens to be the case. I agree we need professional help, and that our communication has been really poor and it's made me insecure and not trust the stability of the relationship and caused my behavior to become what it has. We have been unable to have healthy communication, and I think that we need professional help at this point if we are both willing.

Really you sound a bit like me a few years ago with my last ex, and like you I stayed longer than was healthy. Though I don't believe she'd cheated, there were flags abound online and god knows where else I wasn't aware of. Often times she too would attempt to smoke screen by focusing on the invasion of privacy, and you know what I was 'wrong' in prying into her FB on her tablet. When I say "wrong" I mean I WRONGED MYSELF (not her) in staying with someone I clearly didn't trust and who held little respect for me.

If you could pull yourself out of this sooner rather than later u'll salvage your self-esteem and won't slip further upon finding more potential flags. She doesn't seem like a quality person tbh, now I am not saying she's inherently 'good' or 'bad', just that she's not entirely on-board relationship wise. Yes, I am making a grand assumption here, and maybe I am wrong but the way it looks I find the behavior disconcerting on both ends.

You've got to ask yourself if its worth the cost to your sense of self by continuing on. Again, if she's eager to work on things and you two seek help then that may be a good sign that you can turn the tide with a lot of work. if she's not that's quite telling and it'll remain status quo (or worse), and once the relationship ends (which it will) it'll take you far longer to recover from its effects.

I was on/off with mine for over 3 years (she kept coming back each time I walked - though i was too attached to not receive her phone calls, sometimes even after 4-5 months of NC). It's not worth it, trust me, it chips away at your sense of self and takes a while to recover. Where I am at now I have 0 appetite for a relationship and still recovering from the trauma. I m disclosing this to you as a cautionary tale, the details aren't important.

So. This is your life. Think about the man you want to be, where you're at now, and the trajectory you're on.

Trust is extremely hard to rebuild once its been lost. Understand that the person who feels the loss of trust is the one making the effort. THEY have to take the risk of letting the other person attempt to rebuild that trust.


Don't kid yourself either, the energy you've invested in this will, if it hasn't already, sap you of energy to tend to other things, including yourself thereby contributing to the investment paradox (sacrificing yourself, your own needs and delving further into the relationship and your partner which is entirely unhealthy in itself).

N2, as always, great feedback. To be honest, the self sacrificing I have done was to help the relationship but ironically it hasn't. I was so involved on focusing on myself initially that she threatened to leave and I began to focus and obsess on fixing this. She changed into a more self focused person and now she says I need to give her space. We have flipped roles. The clear answer is to see where we both are trust wise, but in future reference I cannot be consumed by making this work or thinking about this person more than myself and my needs. I have wronged my own needs to leave. Unfortunately, my needs and her needs are dissimilar and I believe that unless I make drastic changes and she does too, then we will both wind up unhappy. I can refocus my life and perhaps my life will require I move on to accomplish my goals, which right now I am lost, have no direction, and am waiting in limbo about our relationship. It's a very unhealthy place to be and the spawn of my insecurities. On her end, she has a lot of work to do also and open honest communication would help a lot. I'll update on the status of this relationship soon.

Lol all this talk when it's handled with 2 simple words

BYE BITCH

NEXT

So right now she's wanting space, she's pulling away. Likely an Avoidant type, and you're most certainly Anxious type.

Her attachment cycle has been triggered and she'll distance herself from you till its calmed. You on the other hand want some sort of answer/assurance, but the more you press the longer she'll be distant. Shitty combo if in fact my hypothesis is correct and you're of those attachment styles. If in fact this is the case you'll have to get used to a lot of needs not being met and learn to cope.

Yeah, she's definitely both. Anxious when I am distant and avoidant when I am there. Opposite usually for me.

This girl has been doing a number on you for a while. She's shitted on you about things in her head. I cant remember the entire story, but the jist is, youve been getting played. No girl is worth all this drama and shit. You can keep giving us her excuses, but at the end of the day, shit isnt working between you two. Dump and move on. Let her go figure out what she wants. Like whatever her excuse is, she shouldnt throw your relationship under the fucking bus for some chick.


That alone is enough

Thats not a conversation a gf should be entertaining about your relationship.

How much more is this chick gonna shit on you, either through blaming you for shit in her head, or downright agreeing about fucking some other dude? How many more excuses are you gonna give, ie depression, distance, trust...how much more are you gonna throw out for this chick?

Either dump and move on, or just admit the truth to yourself. This is desperate, needy and downright sad.

I have a mental law: if one day an issue with a chick drives me for help online, I'm out. And your shit is on issue #57.

You shouldnt be in a relationship that requires all this work. End of story.