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Damn man...that email was really cringey. I cant talk on whether she's gonna go back to the other dude or not, but as Eddie said, have a backbone. I gotta be honest, I highly doubt she sees you as high value; because you're basically just putting your needs aside on multiple levels , ie the other guy, her time, and pretending it's ok with you. You see her checking your phone because she's afraid you'll stray, I see her looking for something to walk. What you wrote was "sweet", but a girl doesnt give you an exit because she's just a noble person. Thats the "you deserve better" shit. I'll just say whatever sparked her to thinking you needed more, is most likely correct, and she knows you're just willing to put up with whatever to have her.
A "madly in love" chick, would be thanking you for being so patient; not telling you to think about whether she's good enough. Dont fool yourself that this chick loves you so much that she's doing whats best for you. And I can see why she'd consider letting you go; you are overly nice and convey that she has you. I wish life were a fairy tale like that where being that nice and accomodating would gain points...but it doesnt. Im not one to talk about who is chasing who, but a year in you've killed any kind of challenge this relationship has. Have a backbone and at least stop being afraid to state your needs, such as time spent or acting like you're ok with it. Im not saying not to be understanding, but jeez, don't be like "as long as you're with me thats enough." Truth is, the chick has been married, has a kid, been in a 5+ year relationship and probably more. And being afraid to speak, or speaking and then backtracking to keep her, is getting you cliched speeches already. Note: if she sent that email to you, she already has considered and come to grips with the thought of you leaving. And she was ok with that to the point she started that conversation. So you can continue this "I dont want to upset her" shit and get a "I shouldnt be dating anyone right now" speech in a month. Eddie said that was a warning sign and I 100% agree. I wont say to walk either way, but jeez....dont backtrack. Because she knows and it just kills her respect for you.
I hear you, great points. Thank you. Truly.
A couple more details:
1 - She texts me every night before going to bed and every morning when she wakes up (and has been doing it pretty much everyday for over a year, every single day), so I know I'm on her mind (unless it's just a routine she's gotten into by now . . . for example her morning text this morning said: "Good morning sweets. Hope you have a great day and I love you". That's very typical. A typical good night text goes "Love you and sweet dreams" (with hearts). These are uninitiated by me texts. She just sends them.
2 - We are engaged. I asked her to marry me a couple of months ago in Napa (seemed like the natural next step and she had been hinting that she wanted that for some time - I asked her early on "where would you like this relationship to go, what's your end game?" and she said "for us to become a family." Once I joking called her "Mr. Matt <my last name>" and she followed that up with a text later saying "I love that you called me your misses)". Very recently, I emailed her that I love our little family (when our daughters get together and all 4 of us are together) and she said "I love it too honey." Finally, just yesterday, I asked her if I could add her as an emergency contact to my driver's license (I finally got a new one even though I've lived in texas now for almost 2 years) and I said "as my future wife, you are probably a good person to add" and she responded "I would think so" (with a grinning smiley face).
So help me out - what should I do at this point? I've told her that I don't have any problem initiating dates/sex, but I can't do it all the time (she's said the same thing about herself in the past she's always been the initiator in past relationships and it wears her out and would like someone else to take the lead sometimes - so we're both kind of I think trying to let the other person come to them - I have no problem leading but I also don't want to do it 100% of the time). Her mom just came into town and is staying with her over the summer and she has told me that that will help with getting us some more 1:1 time for sure. She's also been struggling with a little depression and I think her daughter just wears her the eff out (she's very "high needs"). So I'm trying to be understanding and loving while also trying to get my needs met. So what I've done is backed off a little and am having her come to me (have her initiate the next date/sex) while just telling her what I want/need but not begging/pleading, etc, just letting her know what I want and then it's up to her. Good idea?
Finally, guys, I'm 41 years old. I've been around the block a few times. Ultimately, my view on everything is that life is short. I don't believe in playing games, etc. I say what I feel and I've learned to never take anything for granted. So I will continue to write her poems, bring her flowers, be sweet, etc because that's just who I am. However, I also of course don't want that to undermine anything (she has always said she LOVES all that - that no one has ever brought her flowers, written poems for her, etc, and that she loves me more than she's ever loved any other man ever ... has said that on a few occasions). Also, whenever I say that I am lucky to have her she almost always says "Aww, I love you and it is I who am the lucky one". Once I said, "well let's just be lucky together" and she responded "deal!" Also, last weekend, she said something like "you don't really need to do anything to win me over, I already said yes" LOL. I think ultimately she's just a really really chill chick (she's said that a few times) and I'm more of an eager, type A type. She's also admitted on quite a few occasions that she always gives people "outs" (friends, lovers, etc) then followed it up by saying her sisters thinks it's "because I have abandonment issues". She's kind of said that to me before "you SURE you want all of this batshit craziness? just askin, so 20 years from now you don't come back and say "hey I don't like this" lol).
So it's all a little complicated. And I want to handle all this with emotional intelligence and maturity and authenticity.
Any other advice, given all this, would be greatly appreciated.
1 - Is my pulling back a little and having her come to me a good idea? Or should I be more aggressive in asking her out on dates/initiating sex? It's a bit of a slippery slope, I have no problem being the aggressor there (as she said she wants sometimes) but at the same time, I have this "respect" / "high value" thing I'm trying to figure out (ie if I pull back will that bring her to me more, etc).
2 - How do I gain her respect as some of you have said I don't have? What do you think there?
Thanks again everyone!
CHAT
