Regarding the types of our personality, we are extremelly different. I am extreme extrovert and she used to be an extreme introvert, but that changed somewhat recently due to changes in her routine.

Re energy stuff: well that could be the case. But i did not get the part How that is related? Can you explain that or give an example? That is what I am saying. We are busy with our lives. That is a fact. We have very limited time for each other - 1-2 hours/day and that is mostly routine stuff like eating cooking etc.
And yes, as stated many times before we hardly ever feel super energized when we are at home together. But why do you ask this together with asking about being busy with our own lives? Should that be related? Should it not be related?

Because your life sounds dull and obligatory. You two need to break up the routine. She and you respond to other people being around because their lives are interesting to hear about and they are an interesting dynamic to be around. You just need to take some time for your relationship, and have fun. Go laugh. Go share funny stories. Do something that is for the joy of it.

I just can't agree with that. Either I am in a stage of denial, or your interpretations are wrong. Our lifes are not dull.
What do you mean by obligatory in this context?
Other people are interesting dynamic for us, that is correct. We are fun to spend time for other people as well. I cant be 100% sure, but generally people like us as a couple. They even say that we are weird but interesting and fun to spend time with. We are getting invited to places etc.
People like me alone as well. People like her alone as well. But i can't stress this enough: the only problem we have is when we are together. I can't figure why.
It simply does not work. This is why i started the thread. She is often not in a mood for that, too tired after long hours at work; not responsive. My problem, in turn, is that i can't force myself to be happy anyway (as you have stated previously, great advice, damn i seem to forget it everytime)

In the end, i have to repeat myself: we need other people to take use of quoted advice. As she is introvert-ish, she does not want people around all the time, while I do. But generally we manage to balance this out.

Am I repeating myself?

Give her massages on the regular but on random days. And when both of you travel or hangout with other people, go for activities that pump up adrenaline. Watching scary movies every once and a while will most likely help as long as you have built the foundation of regular massages.

If you want to know the logic behind these activities, it's like this:

1. Regular massages will release lots of oxytocin.

2. Adrenaline pumping activities and scary movies will release lots of dopamine which will often times lead to wild sex.

3. Regularity and then randomness build anticipation.

4. She will reciprocate at a certain point and that's the time when you have built a long lasting mutual bond. It's touch therapy peppered with heart thumping activities. You've got to follow a rhythmic cycle though: 80% oxytocin release --> 20% dopamine release.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

I do that exactly as you suggest. I know what you mean here, but what if ony one of uf likes this? How to frame her into going for that stuff? That would be tricky as neither of us has a) time for that b) don't really enjoy it


Thanks for actual advice. Even though it may not be applicable in my situation, this gives me food for thought of how to use similar principles

OP, I have to use a cuss word because this is my geniune reaction, "what the fuck is your problem?"

Its like you're talking in circles.
Be specific. Saying you want to reestablish connection/intimacy is vague. Has the sex diminished? Do you want to have sex more than you currently do? How often do you have sex? Do you want you 2 to have a different dynamic when together? Has the dynamic changed, or has this just been like this since the beginning?

You say you 2 arent playing games, but also say youre both playing the game of who gives affection first. You say you 2 dont really have a routine, but say you're always cold to each other. Thats a routine.

What does a typical week of your relationship look like?

Were things different at one time, and changed due to another change, ie more work?

Is the problem that you 2 have no time to spend together, or that during the limited time you do have together is not being used?

What are the "issues" you mention in the relationship?

And, why are you in this relationship day to day? Thats not a question to break up, but you need to have a good reason

hi neo

Am I? Well I was trying to avoid long posts as I thought I will take a specific issue form my relation here and ask you for help. I was not supposed to be a thread about fixing a relationship. It is becoming one now I guess. Yes it has diminished, and we both do want it more. But the root cause is not sex. Yes we do as we both are aware of the issue. We did not have a big talk about it though. But we know it. You are right about playing games. I just probably hate to agree on that; so I just lied that we don't.

BTW, What does being cold to each other have to do with routine? Am I getting this term wrong or..? Working days: wake up together, under one hour I am out. So is she. Cooking/eating together etc. Both can be slightly grumpy as it takes time for us to wake up but that is not an issue.
Nights after work: 3 times a week going to gym together. after that either I am staying home working on something or going to my another job/hobby. She goes to bed early. I got to bed late. on average 3hour difference. We go together to bed once or twice a week.
Weekends: friends, traveling, visiting someone. If she is not in mood to do anything (i hate just to stay at home, she likes that) i go to my job nr 2. Yes and yes.
They were better and changed to worse after I started my 2nd job and it went cold after she started on her job. She is overly concentrated on her career as she really wanted the job and she gives most of the energy for it.
But we have always been coldish to each other, and I was a bit needy. I always wanted more from relationship, and I am not satisfied with "just okay" while she is. Bingo. right in the spot. She thinks that the issue is the first part of the sentence, and I think it is the second part of the sentence. Long story short: she needs my time, I need her action. I think most of it was covered above but I would add that she can be negative and angry in general. But she has a strong character. This results in her not wanting to be dominated.
My sticking point is that I am stubborn as fuck and honest as fuck. That is not always good, believe me.
Oh and yes we struggle to find balance in general - she can be quite extreme (i.e. all of her energy goes to 1 thing only, like work at the moment). I used to be the same but I identified the problem and I am am working on that.
I still haven't coped with sex stuff yet; she wants it half or one third as often as I do. I just cant. Either it is as often as I want or close to that; or it is no sex at all. I hate having sex once a month or once every two weeks. We have communicated about that; no solution yet. I am not a loving person, but I have affection (i think this is what other people call love, i don't use the term though). She loves me. We could really be a perfect mach if we could get rid of the drawbacks mentioned above. We have very similar values. We are both strong personalities. I feel a bit uncomfortable to answer this for some reason. I have made my choice, and it was not only emotion based.

Was this any better?
Thanks for reading.

It takes two to tango. Ask her if she still wants this relationship but maybe she is going through her own shit besides you

What are you implying?

That if she isn't trying to make it work then it isn't in your control. Secondly, she might be going through more problems than just your relationship and is depressed or in a bad mood around you because of that.

I know that i can't control everything. But there are things that i can. Thus this thread. Looking for some things to try before i give up. Maybe i am just blindfolded and not seing my mistakes? Want to be sure before proceeding.

Again, she definately has problems etc. When she does, she uses her energy for the problems, not for the relationship. When she is fine, the relationship becomes way better. Is this normal or it is a clear red flag? I know i am a man and she is not; but whenever i have issues i still look for comfort in a relationship. It looks like that she feels fragile/weak when she is close/intimate..? That could explain it

Your relationship is too much of a chore. Too much obligation. She might want or HAVE to go to the gym, cook, whatever but maybe she wouldn't if she knew you wouldn't feel personally offended by her not doing those activities. There's something called mystery and it's very important to building attraction. When you two are too involved in the day to day, there is nothing to update on, and you two become too familiar. Give her some space. You'll argue that you give her space by going to work or what not but the truth is that your dynamic has become too comfortable. Shake things up. Take some time for yourself where you do your own thing. Further, do something beyond the routine with her. You are going to have to try to change the dynamic of your relationship because as you already know, it is slowly poisoning you both.

Generic relationship advice here it comes.

Maybe your mind is lying to both of you and if you two stopped believing everything were so bad and uncomfortable it wouldn't be so.

Honestly, no one knows because you won't agree it is anything generic. If you would pinpoint it as an underlying pattern then you could then receive specific advice.

Have you read the thread?
It was stated numerous of times.

Here it goes again. No our lives are not boring. As stated many times we do stuff that we enjoy. She is affectionate. We give each other space. Probably even too much. We are not bored in general EXCEPT FOR:

WHEN WE ARE HOME ALONE. WE HAVE WEIRD SPAM. WE ARE AVOIDANT. WE LACK INTIMACY.

If we are not doing routine stuff, i.e. being outside our apartment OR somebody else is around, things are perfect.