Is that needed or required? I am sure this was asked before but i can't find it anywhere.

Ltr, 5 years living together, some issues in relationship. We do concentrate on our lives as sugessted here in forum, none of us has disbalance of overconcentrating on another, etc. Generally, we are fun with other people, we are a couple that everybody likes how we behave when somebody is around, but we struggle when we are alone together.

Things are better when doing non routine stuff like travelling, but we are hopeless when spending nights at home. That does not happen too often as we are busy. I need a way to reignite affection which would be different from typical pua stuff like being less available etc. It has the oppsite effect.

My frame is not lost, but could definately be better.

Advices? I thought about kino stuff, but wouldn't that be a bit weird? Maybe some subtile way?

Thanks boys

WTF?

Kino is touching. No touching your partner is not weird.

Send a flirty text during the day, to sort of light the flame on the burner.

Continue to amp it up through out the day, and when she gets home.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Yeah if you've lost the touching element of your relationship and you feel this way, that things are dull and lifeless, then you need to fix that A.S.A.P. Might as well just be the gay roommate who puts on a show for his friends and family to appear as a couple. You need to take a different angle at this whole thing and you probably need to stop being so "you". When couples fall into this trap, everything is too comfortable and predictable. There's no energy. There's no anticipation. Whatever comes out of each other's mouths is already expected to be manageable or familiar. Use some variation in your life. What you are saying is that when something NEW is distracting you two, like traveling or friends, you two feel alive. When you two have to focus on each other, you two are bored. The truth is you two are the same boring people when you're traveling and so on but you have enough focus on other things to not really notice. Plus you finally feel alive again so you have some energy to spare and enthusiasm that makes you feel good. Don't overthink it, but just try to introduce some new elements of your personality, and not get caught in the routine of life.

Heywood, well you got me a bit wrong but.. anyway.

Methodology, i do not think that we have much routine though. I am really aware of relationship stuff, what can go wrong and what to avoid, but for some reason i cant take control of my own relationship. We both are cold to each other, we even avoid each other to some extent when we are at home. I can't just approach her with the idea of having sex lets say - i can't touch her in a way that would lead to it. I mean there is this SPAM that he is doing this to take me to bed - it all gets fake to some extent. I can say or ask her - she will likely agree but it is not turing her on from itself. Asking is never a good idea as it is not sexy in itslef. I have to lead to it. And we know each other too well so everything gets predictable. It is a bit difficult to explain. We both feel that atnosphere is weird when we are alone.

But don't get me wrong - the issue is not sex itself. There is an underlying reason for that which has to be solved first.

I can't come up with the way to turn this around. It feels like we are playing game of 'i will not give you attention if you dont do it first', like if we both are trying to contol the relationship.

Re: flirty texts, i may try it. We don't usually do that so it will be weird. I am afraid I will not get a similar response as we normally make fun of sexting. But what could go wrong?? the only issue that she has a busy as fuck week at work.

What else would you suggest to build intimacy? That is what we have always been lacking, but we have virtually none now.

I don't want to give up yet. So not moving on yet.

You can try new things all you want but they won't feel new without a connection of togetherness. Don't feel so much like your own people. It makes you both come off distant. I think I already highlighted the problem. It's not having sex, it's not game, even though your title alluded to it being about touching your girlfriend. Your connection is crap. You two don't have fun anymore. There's no "us". There's really no "you" either because you haven't invested in bringing a new you to the table. I know where you are, and it sucks, but it comes back to knowing the other person wants to connect and finding ways to laugh, be happy, and not be so serious. Being playful again. Feeling young again. That's what you are alluding to. However, you are so wary of the way you feel, and how she feels, you are avoiding her. Don't be so in tune with her. Pull out and give yourself the chance to be happy without her being happy, IN her presence. Be the inspiring emotional force to get out of the funk. It comes down to the dynamic of the interaction and you need to frame this as "not weird" and more "natural" and fun. It's in your control. Once you drop the weirdness, she will eventually drop hers. You just have to grow, and surprise her. Don't be the same person. People usually reinforce who you think you are, especially over time. You need to break free of her expectations of who you are. Don't go nuts, but add some variety so you grow. When you know someone so well you start eliminating your responses because you are "certain" of how they'll respond. Well then you have to take that chance and just change your responses and she will have to conform.

I think you might benefit from becoming aware of schemas. They are fairly important. When someone changes their behavior out of the normal expectations, then the schema is disrupted. You will recognize that and realize what it means. For example, she never doesn't text back before bed but this night she does. You've have expectations built on the schema you have built together. When you conform too highly to it, things become automatic and on auto pilot. Like in your relationship. You slip into the regular flow of things. Things are consistent, including the people in it. Disrupting the schema can be either exciting or scary depending on what it means. Some elements can stay the same but others can change. For example, you can travel but act the same and then you two are bored still. It's why you fall into friendships and act different around them. It's why things never feel like they change when you see an old friend. It's why you can change SO much when you meet someone new because if you act out of the normal, this person can reinforce that schema and your self-perception eventually changes. Most relationship schemas follow the same pattern though and have the same problems/feelings by the end of it.

Thanks for posting, meth Correct Incorrect, it is not that extreme Good stuff, this normally helps partially.
Re: schemas
You have identified the problem and pattern. I know what is my problem. But here I am looking for an actual/practical advice of how to disrupt it. I think I am trying to do that all the time. She is not responsive enough. Probably I am doing something wrong or probably not powerfull enough.

I know it is my life not yours, but there must be some generic stuff i can do with my own adjustments. I am lacking ideas, and I expect you to help me with that

I have a very specific problem, thus I am not looking for a generic relationship advice. I am looking for generic advice for my specific problem.

I just think you need to think outside of the box. Try things you didn't expect to, or that you might not believe you'll like. It's basic but it can disrupt your mental frame of your reality by pushing the limits of your belief systems.

So you are suggesting that i should disrupt my own frame first? Not her?

I'm just going to say... I see talk of your frame not being lost,, and it had me scratching my head saying so what? Yall are avoiding each other at home, sex life doesn't sound good.... I mean what's the purpose of your frame if shit is crumbling like this? You may have to put games aside and just communicate or give her what she wants.

My frame is not lost, but it is not too good either. Somewhere inbetween. It is difficult to evaluate myself.
There are no games really, or even no games on purpose. I am looking for advice to reinitiate connection/intimacy.
It can't be that hard. I am clearly missing something

It's a feedback loop. You can't change yours without disrupting hers to some degree. It's not even to just change your frame it is that you can't connect with her from the frame you are using. Your frame of mind. Your perspective. You two are avoidant, and there's a root cause of that. You have to change that.

Sorry to sound like a nag, but i know what the problem is.
The question remains: how?

That is why i came here asking. I need methods or guidelines. Practical stuff

Well, part of me feels like you two are energy sucking extroverts. Just kidding. I think that you two need the energy from other people, especially groups, to function correctly. You two have probably focused on each other so much that you two never have enough energy to GIVE. I know you say you're doing your own thing, and she is too, but how many times have you felt super energized and pepped when you are around her? She might need you to just be excited, and give some life to the situation. I know that it's easy to get into a routine and things just feel dead, and the energy necessary for extroverts is something you need but never get. Just a thought.