My girlfriend and I have been on a vacation and every day has been really amazing. However, she has been somewhat stand offish. I asked her what is the deal and she claimed that she feels limited by me. That she wanted to make party at the hostel instead of going out to the bar with me and being relaxed. What I don't understand is that I am fine with that, but she is assuming I would not want that. She has been seeing me negatively lately, although she has no justification. Calling me insecure or jealous, but I have been completely relaxed and even encouraging her into situations someone else might not. I am so confused. She has picked up on this negative self concept of me that shares no resemblance to who I am. It almost sounds like how my parents see me. I told her that she and I need to have better communication and she can't let these things stew. I also seemed to unwind a lot of these negative interpretations of me. It's hard for me to change anything about my behavior when I am not acting the way she is interpreting the situation. My guess is she is just projecting onto me. She's moving after this trip, and our future is somewhat undecided. I think this has a two fold effect that she is finding reasons to break it off and she is also trying not to love me by pushing me away to make this easier, as I haven't confirmed I would move too. It's a much more complicated story than this so the big thing is what do I do about these negative thoughts she is having? They are seemingly out of my control and they have dominated her mind for some time. Then she just ruminates on them. It seems like she takes little things I do wrong and blows them way out of proportion. She even agrees that these thoughts have no basis in reality but then they just accumulate again.

She's created an enemy image of you as this sort of person, and the more you defend and/or protest it the more entrenched it will become.

There are some needs of hers that aren't being met, without knowing her side its tough to say what those are, could be she's feeling 'smothered' which is easily translated to as her needing space to cool-down - and you giving that to her implicitly (without saying you will, but rather demonstrating through your behavior).

She's trying to push you away a bit by diminishing your contribution to the relationship, and saying you're this or that type of person. That's a pretty big hint she's needing space because that's what this kind of behavior is intended to do - push the other person away, at least for the time being until their attachment system deactivates and they're ready to speak with you again.

Not sure this is something you really want to continue with, if its situational or a pattern in which case you may be better off seeking a relationship with someone with a more secure attachment style who communicates their needs more transparently.

You are giving her more value than yourself, which causes to think that you are needy and jelaous. Try to give less value to her and let her do what she wants. She has no personal space what i understood.

Actually you wrote a novel about that simple problem which means her behaviors are not suddenly appeared abd continious at least couple of weeks. So like i said loose the rope.

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She wants out of the relationship.

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You should seriously look at this issue. Her and your parents think the same thing...so there may be something to it. Plus you call it a "self concept", so are you sure that you don't believe it yourself?

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You are afraid of losing her, that's why you are posting this. She needs to be afraid of losing YOU!


Don't agree with everything she says.
Don't answer her calls/texts soon as your phone buzzes.
Check out girls asses in front of her.
Pull a ghost on her now and again.

If she's wondering what you are up to. She'll drop all the other bullshit.

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This is definitely more in line with what's happening. She's quite simply creating something she can easily detach from. Her cousins, who are both therapists, say she goes through "phases". She's done them with her ex boyfriend, and even with her best friend. Once she finds negative qualities, they seem to consume her. One friend is "Amazing" and then the next month she isn't. We talked, and I asked her what's going on, as her mood has been somewhat shitty during the first part of the trip. It came down to what I talked about earlier, plus some more. She's clearly built this idea of me being "possessive" or "restrictive" up. The truth is that she has changed her priorities since therapy. She's growing, and in ways I didn't expect. When we first started dating, I admired her for being mature, and into things that were greater than just drinking or what everyone else is into these days. However, she's shown more interest in experiencing those things, and I think she feels the need to stay consistent with who she was, although she wants to adventure and experience things that are inconsistent with who she was. She wants to be carefree and have fun. She didn't express she wanted to go out and drink with friends, or that she wants to travel, or any of these things before. She just assumed I'd say no, or not like it, which in her mind is the same as being told no. I told her that she has to experience these things if she wants them, and that she has to communicate with me. It seemed to help. However, she doesn't say it, but she needs space from me. We've had an amazing time on this trip, but she's stressed because she is moving to another state, and she is meeting with her mother who was very abusive and she went to therapy to hash that out, so she has a lot to worry about. On top of that is an invisible pressure to figure "us" out. Even when I am not consciously creating it. Once she is in this other state, and she is settled, I think she can clearly see what she wants. Right now she is confused. She says she wants to do "this" but has no explanation for why. She doesn't know why she might not want to be with me besides she feels this need to "settle down" and have children and be married in five years, although I explained that wasn't something we had discussed. She says she doesn't want to take that away from me if that isn't what she wants down the road. In the end, she's young. I saw this coming, although she told me she was someone else from the beginning, and we haven't communicated well, so I was somewhat blind sighted by a complete reversal of her needs and desires. In fact, it resembles who she used to be, and I think she is becoming more comfortable showing that side of herself to me rather than trying to conform to what I wanted. We're having a lot of fun, and I haven't pushed the issue of "us" throughout out the trip. In the end, I am prepared to let her go, as she does need to follow her needs and go and experience her life, and I cannot be the reason she doesn't. It's a question of does she see this relationship, and myself, as flexible enough to give her room to breathe and go be a college aged girl, even when she doesn't want to go crazy. I never said I didn't like the idea of her drinking, or hanging out, or anything. However, I feel this might be some left over baggage from her previous boyfriends who were more insecure. She's going to try these things, and figure it out for herself, regardless. For now, I'm going to finish this trip.

You've complicated this, but it all comes back to the original advice you were given. She's buying time to leave. I remember when I was in college; freshman girls came in with bfs from back home, in 2 months, girl was single to party. Bf back home would get a bunch of reasons why the relationship wasnt working, "its not that I want to go wild or anything," "its not you its me" but mostly always ended that way. And the freshmen who didnt break up with their bfs were in relationships way more secure than this. Anyways, you're in something where its just too complicated to fix. In your old thread I said this:
Now, more reasons are coming up. You have a "problem" that has so many aspects that may not even be correct, that I highly doubt you or she can fix them and have a normal healthy relationship.

You say you're prepared to walk ; you're not. The writings on the wall, been so for a while, you're still in the same place. You thought a trip may help the relationship. You'll think of something else to help it now. Maybe you'll give her some space, maybe you'll let her go out with her friends. But she doesnt really want to be in a relationship. But make no mistake, all this is is just set up for her to say "I'm sorry we should break up, I cant give you what you deserve right now....my baggage and issues are too much...I will always love you."

As said before, you gotta focus on yourself. Cause frankly, a relationship with all of this, isnt going to get better with distance and college. When you're giving her space and she's out with friends; thats just her getting back into single mode. Simply, there a few girls who can do long distance rs while starting college. But yours isnt one of them.

Yeah, this is pretty in line with my thinking. I've noticed this trend, and I have felt she seems to be moving towards a more "single" mindset. So, that's what I have concluded as well. Long distance won't help. For the usual reasons, I believe that the power of wanting to be single for all of the reasons there are, I don't think this relationship can stop that. It's a good relationship, but when you haven't experienced college, and you want to, it's a tough thing to stand up to.

I've been working on focusing on myself as well. I've put energy into this, trying to "fix" it. However, in the end it has become obvious that it's not in my control. Things are better today, but the relationship is seemingly hanging in the balance, even when things have been getting better. So that's not reassuring. However, I've had a long time to adjust to the idea of us breaking up, and so I'm more prepared than before. Yes, I probably was going to give her more space, etc. Not sure what else there is to do but to move on with my own life.

I took another gander at your post, and it looks as though the entire focus is on what you're doing wrong, and particularly how she feels you're stifling her.

I haven't read your previous posts so I'm not as versed in your relationship as Neo is, and its tough to deduce exactly what's going on without hearing her side. We all have our own lens to which we view the world through, and we're just hearing your end - there may very well be legitimacy to her claim of feeling smothered, we don't know and really at this point its tangential to the issue at hand.

The optics of it looks like you've got a lot of self-doubt, about yourself, about the relationship and I question your assertion that things were going well - it may have been more of an example of how 'ignorance is bliss'; turning the other cheek, amplifying the good while diminishing the bad, putting cherry colored lenses on so-to-speak.

So. What I have for you is a question. If you had faith in your ability to attract a quality partner(s) who were more amenable/responsive to meeting your needs, do you think you'd feel as tethered (my word, not yours) to her as you currently are?

I am being a bit leading, but my gut is telling me you KNOW the right answer, and you've known it for a while now you're just in a bit a rough spot emotionally and aren't prepared to cut the umbilical chord.

The answer to your question is a bit complicated. Originally, she did meet my needs. As she has been pulling away, my needs haven't been met. On this trip, my needs are being met. It's complicated, as always. I think that my self-esteem has been pummeled by this relationship lately. Since she has begun embracing the negative qualities, I have had to actively rebuild my own self-confidence to not adopt her viewpoint of me.

It's hard to explain the situation over this as well. I think this whole situation comes down to what has been said before - she is unsure of whether she wants a relationship at this time in her life, especially long distance. I have days of self-doubt, and days of self-confidence. When I believe that this is entirely my fault, I feel doubtful. When I understand that this is a need I can't satisfy of hers, and it is likely out of my hands, and that she as a human being has a free will, then I feel less responsible and hopeless.

I'm not in denial about the relationship. I can't know for certain how she truly feels, but she's been telling her best friends about how things are better, etc. She has been saying to her friends that she just "doesn't know about us" and that "we are growing in two different directions". Maybe she is buying her time. At least right now, I have a hunch that she isn't as certain about what she wants, as in wanting to be single, as stated. I think in the end, it's a very likely choice, but she hasn't come to that conclusion just yet. Not until she's moved out of state and had time to consider it.

With all due respect it sounds as though you're continually making excuses for her, while squaring the responsibility on your shoulders. Hence my post above.

What excuses? The rationale for her behavior? I'm not making those for her, she is. That's what she is saying. I'm just trying to figure out this situation through some feedback.

Yes, I feel responsibility. Unfortunately, part of me feels like it's my fault. Maybe it's the radical idea that if I were somehow "good" enough, this wouldn't be happening. I'm not really sure what to think now.

Its not your fault. People have thoughts, people mature, people's view of the world changes. What someone wants when they're 21 isnt the same as what they want at 25. If you tie yourself to whats going on in someone's head, you're just gonna waste your time and efforts. She has a brain, she has a past, she has emotions, she has her own psychology. And you can't control whether one person decides that being single is what they want. Its just life.

I appreciate that. It's what I've come to grips with. It really is. Throughout this whole process, she's said it's my fault, and that it's also her fault. Now, after we have communicated, I've realized it is less that I am at fault, and that she just has grown and found out she wants something else. Also, that she was pushing me away as that is just what she does when she feels too secured into something. That's true for not just me, but everything in her life. She can't feel bound to any plans or any situation. So it's been confusing but I think we've figured out that she has just changed her priorities and that I should focus more on myself and what I want, and can control.