I'm in a smallish mountain town right now, completely surrounded by federal wilderness. The next town is 100 miles, if that clarifies things, lol.

Agreed. But this just came up. Stinks.

You're confusing me with OP. The girl and I are exclusive, she brought it up.


Can't argue with this, really.


[/quote]


We're in the same boat it seems in regard to experience. However, I tend to date 10-15 years younger on average.

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Clearly you don't understand women very well. But the simple fact that you're here may help shed light on them, or simple reinforce your self-defeating mindset.

You're employing strategies to curtail your attachment fears but those are just coping mechanisms, so you'll be hard at work, rest assured, doing triage work on yourself with this person until you get to the core of the issue or ultimately you push her away and she leaves.

Clearly you don't understand women very well. But the simple fact that you're here may help shed light on them, or simple reinforce your self-defeating mindset.

You're employing strategies to curtail your attachment fears but those are just coping mechanisms, so you'll be hard at work, rest assured, doing triage work on yourself with this person until you get to the core of the issue or ultimately you push her away and she leaves.

Clearly you don't understand women very well. But the simple fact that you're here may help shed light on them, or simple reinforce your self-defeating mindset.

You're employing strategies to curtail your attachment fears but those are just coping mechanisms, so you'll be hard at work, rest assured, doing triage work on yourself with this person until you get to the core of the issue or ultimately you push her away and she leaves.

Clearly you don't understand women very well. But the simply fact that you're here may help shed light on them, or simple reinforce your self-defeating mindset.

You're employing strategies to curtail your attachment fears but those are just coping mechanisms, so you'll be hard at work, rest assured, doing triage work on yourself with this person until you get to the core of the issue or ultimately you push her away and she leaves.

"hot" women are to be treated like any other, the simple fact you've already placed her on a pedestal based on her looks (and let's not kid ourselves, you have) stacks the cards against you. "Hot" for the most part is subjective; your 10 may be my 5, vice versa but the simple fact you've convinced yourself she's to be approached differently based on her looks has fail written all over it.

Not interested in a dick-waving contest, void.

What I am interested in is reality-based actions rather than platitudes.

"Be the Best You Can Be" and "treat all women the same" (even the ones you dislike and the ones you adore) are nice, nice but aren't advice, just slogans.

Also, all men prefer hot women to ugly ones. The pedestal is biologically inherent. Some men just do a better job of controlling it. Any guy who says he has the same inner reaction when a 300 pound Wisconsin Dells wildabeast walks by, and then a Victoria Secret model is full of shit. Your dick puts her on a pedestal really fast. The key is harnessing that and keeping cool.

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You're lost. Let us know how that 'freeze-out' works for ya.

I feel like some people misinterpret the idea of boundaries.
You don't set boundaries for other people, boundaries are set for yourself.

To exemplify, one of my boundaries, and pretty much the only one at that, is simply "Don't go through my phone". Simple as that. I can't stand the idea of privacy invasion because it denotes massive insecurity, neediness and all kinds of repelling traits.

Do I have to enforce that boundary? Fuck no. I don't. Because as neo puts it, the women I choose are intrinsically not going to be emotional leeches or control freaks who do that.

That's the point. I don't have a boundary to enforce it on a needy girl and prohibit her from going through my shit. And let's be honest, she's eventually gonna do it while I leave her at the house for a couple of minutes as I run off to the store.

Because we know. We all know the type of woman she is way way before you start thinking exclusivity. And if she is the type to "cross your boundary", you "enforce it" by not getting in a position of it being broken in the first place. Aka walking. Not making her your girlfriend when the other girl texting you is just as beautiful but actually fun to be around. And not an idiot.

A "5" fattie and a "10" hottie will respect and adore you just the same when you have your shit together and are an actual attractive man. And yes, for most guys the "5" is infinitely more obtainable, because she has less options and will obviously be inclined to put up with needy and insecure behavior.

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How to keep a girl.

I remember this was the girl with the orbiters on her phone right? And you were freezing her out back then. You were saying she does trashy behavior and I was asking you why take her seriously?

I understand if your location and age limit your options right now. Maybe you want the younger hot girls and where you are it limits the number that would date older. I just dont think you can maintain the game for too long with chicks not ready to be exclusive. Personally, if I were you, I'd keep my criteria for what I REALLY wanted (not what I would accept) and stick to it, while ensuring that the type of woman I wanted aligned with my values. Sometimes we want a certain type of woman, when we ourselves arent aligned to even being compatible with that type. Like if you keep orbiters, you wont get a chick who doesnt keep orbiters because a chick who doesnt wont put up with a man who does. For whatever type of woman you really want, I would look at where I'm not the guy she wants. This is different from changing and adapting to a woman you don't really want. Its like instead of avoiding intellectual topics with a woman even though you enjoy them (thats adapting to a relationship you dont really want), instead of that, looking and improving the way you communicate your ideas so you can get a woman who shares that with you. The first way gets you a relationship where you cant discuss what you want, the second gets you a relationship where you can discuss what you want.

Edit: brilliant Rc. You can say it much better than I can.

The chick who has trust issues is the one who tells you after dating for a good amt of time , "I dont want us to be exclusive." You hear that, and go to being scarce so she begs you to be with her. A month later when she's checking through your phone, you have to enforce this boundary. But as RC said we know. You knew she had issues when having fun and connecting wasn't enough. But you gamed her, got her and now have to establish boundaries for things that were always there.

Again as rc said, best to have boundaries for yourself. I wont wife a girl who has orbiters. I wont wife a girl who is insecure. I wont wife a girl who is not ready for a relationship or unsure. We can usually know what we're dealing with if we use some sense and really take a good look at the person we're dating. We miss the signs when we just want to make it work.

Boundaries can be quite dynamic. In some circumstance you may not become aware that something bothers you till some time later. Naturally its much easier to have firm boundaries from the get-go when meeting someone. It's always more of an uphill battle to set them some time later in the relationship; its human nature to test those boundaries if they weren't in place before (call it 'shit-testing' if you like).

The common denominator amongst most of the threads on this board are a result of having no to poor boundaries, and instead jumping feet first into something. No boundaries infers a scarcity mindset - a willingness to settle for whatever scraps come your way. It's a negative feedback loops between that and perpetuating a chronically low self-image, hence it being far easier said than done getting out of such relationships as the attachment hooks are already deeply rooted.

Every time I see the subject of boundaries come up, I sort of shake my head. I have deal breakers with women...such as looking for a man to take care of them. I can't deal with that. The rest of the time, if I meet a woman I never worry about having boundaries. If I find out something unacceptable, I don't try to hold onto them for longer by setting rules for a person that may just try to become sneakier (especially on common sense issues). Seriously, how many times have we read about the guy who told the girl to get rid of the orbiters and then later found out that they were still around? Or the guy that later finds out his girlfriend is still communicating with her ex? These are guys that find out something, set the boundary, the boundary gets broken but now he's more invested.

Problem is that all these guys that talk about setting boundaries jump into relationships way too quickly. Having serious problems a few months in. Try to turn a woman into something that she is not or for him to turn into someone he does not want to be just to keep her. Just slow the fuck down and not look at these women through rose colored glasses. Time is going to tell you everything you need to know about her and if she presents something about herself that you don't like or can't take, you fold and play a new hand.

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I've taken the liberty to include excerpts from a really good book on attachment, appropriately named "Attached".

It fits well within the context of this discussion of boundaries, and also I am suspecting a lot of the women guys (many of which demonstrate traits of Anxious types) on this board are struggling with are Avoidant types and the two don't go 'well' together and actually reinforce each others views towards relationships (the Anxious type feeling he's investing more than his partner is willing to, and the Avoidant type who is fearful of intimacy and pulls-away as a form of coping).







If you look at the caption above (Anxious type is described in the left column, whereas Avoidants are described on the right), to some of you it'll be clear that you're dealing with an avoidant (or anxious) type. As much as I'm not a big fan of dichotomies, its an effective way of bringing into awareness your own pattern as well as the person you're pursuing, or in a relationship with. No 1 single trait in itself is indicative of a particular type, so careful in 'diagnosing' - it's rather used as a tool, to look at the behaviors more globally and to get a better understanding of that person's attachment style. I highly recommend the book to anyone interested in knowing their own attachment style and how to screen those to find more compatible partners.




Taking it a step further, below is a diagram of a typical cycle/pattern between an Anxious type and an Avoidant type:





For those curious to know their attachment type there's a simple 'test' that will get you in within the ballpark here http://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your- ... ent-style/

This is real-world advice by a guy whom it seems actually has experience with attractive women.

Yep.


This philosophy that "everything is perfect and you're #1 at first sight" is from guys who play more Xbox than women.

This attitude that I am a rock and nothing will ever, ever bother me and a woman will be completely perfect at all times, no adjustments needed to the relationship is Disney-esque, inexperienced wannabe bullshit.

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That is very interesting. Cool stuff.

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Additionally:





See if you can spot the type(s) of traits that most PUAs reinforce, but try to emulate.


Arch: this kinda goes back to what I was saying earlier regarding Freezeouts. Let's assume she's an Avoidant type (hypothetically, I have no idea if she is or isn't). The fact that you've now gone distance will deactivate her attachment system and she'll come sniffing around again as her attachment needs have been met. In such a circumstance you'll incorrectly draw the assumption that your silence influenced her to come-around (and meet your need for closeness/connection etc).

Now let's say the same person has an Anxious type of attachment. A freeze-out will often get them to come around because in this instance for this style of attachment the person will engage in protest behavior in order to get the contact they're craving.

On the surface you may feel you're getting what you want, but in either scenario the energy to which the person is coming to you with is not a healthy one. In the case of the Avoidant, she's simply returning because the withdrawing behavior has met her need to create more space between the two of you (Avoidants hate getting too close and will invariably pull away when they feel the other person is wanting a deeper level of intimacy and/or commitment). Anxious types will come to you, using such a strategy, out of fear of a loss of connection, in which case we've no idea if its us they generally want to be with, or simply that they'd sooner cling to something rather than having nothing.