Hey Guys,

I've been in a relationship for three months. It's been difficult because this last month, I haven't been that happy. When I met her i loved that she was ambitious, likes sports, amazing work ethic and in general felt that was somebody that I could grow with and that she would also help me grow as a person. Little by little, getting to know her more i realize that she wasn't exactly all those things that I was attracted to in the beginning. This has made me feel less attracted to her each time. We spend a lot of time together and we sleep over at each others places frequently. She has started to feel me pushing her away (wanting to sleep at my place more, not going to her house often) and talked to me about it these last couple days. The truth is i'm starting to feel more annoyed by her, for example this weekend we had activity planned together so I dreaded spending the whole day with her. What is also happening is that two time already I have hooked up with other people when I gone out partying. It really is a douche move from and I feel that this is totally wrong. Morally I feel terrible because it goes completely against my values and integrity. What I was wondering is if this relationship can be fixed or if all these feelings I'm getting means something? I feel that things shouldn't be like this and that something is obviously wrong. I'd appreciate your guy's input. Thanks!

What needs to change in your relationship for you to be happy with it? If your answer is that you don't know, then you shouldn't be in the relationship. If you know what needs to change, make sure it gets changed.

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So a case of buyer's remorse. lol

She clearly isn't the one for you. It's common for people to try to put their best foot forward in the beginning stages of a relationship. That's why its good to have a healthy skepticism about them until you get to know them better, that way you don't invest up front and live to regret it later.

Cheating; you have unmet needs you're looking elsewhere to have them met

Values; hers aren't in line with your own hence the extreme feelings of ambivalence towards the relationship


I am sure you're feeling a great deal of guilt. 1) cheating on her, 2) continuing with someone you don't want to be intimate with, 3) continuing with someone who's values are completely misaligned with your own. Guilt is about not meeting your own needs, and also not meeting the needs of others (you can't if yours aren't being met). You can be honest about how you feel, and your needs with her and end the relationship which would help dissolve the guilt over time. This means not implicating her, but simply sharing how it would be unfair to either one of you by continuing while your needs aren't being met.

What would you tell a close friend if this was his story?

Tell her. That will fix your troubles in a hurry.

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Yeah you prob shouldnt be in this. Not a big deal, thats the purpose of a relationship to have fun and see how it goes.

That being said, you gotta question whether your own values which she doesnt align with ....are even your values. Incompatible or not, you compromised your own values twice in 3 months, so how strong can they really be. Sounds like she's not the girl you thought she was, but YOU arent the guy you thought you were. You gotta think, are you even ready for that dream girl who has those values that you dont? Just food for thought. Leave her

The woman values deep intimacy with you, and you both developed intimacy on a variety of levels. Most guys in this forum have trouble getting a date, much less a woman, who wants to see them every day.

No man seeks out a woman, because she "digs sports" (men do that with other men) or is "ambitious" whatever that means. Men in these forums are crystal clear about staying away from greedy, careerist women because they are workaholics (i.e. they are never around to see them and are cold blooded opportunists). A man seeks out a woman for a girl friend for an emotionally fulfilling relationship. https://www.sonoma.edu/users/d/daniels/lynch.html As the PUA world has painfully taught YOU women generally seek out men for some kind of material advantage and NEVER take responsibility for their own sexuality. Hence, the PUA techniques exist to break through the women's rationalizations.

Here, you appear to be rationalizing (she is not into sports and some vague lack of "ambition" which is a personality trait and not a value) why you have left this woman and have projected certain things onto her (I would desire YOU more if YOU were MORE "______" [fill in the blank]). https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fu ... mechanisms She is the same person she was on day 1.

On day 1 and 2 you discussed your values (social, familial, and financial) and decided that they matched; therefore, values are not at issue. Notice, how she tried to talk to you about the distancing. This is an example of her problem solving skills. You did not indicate that she yells and screams like a lunatic. So, she is also likely agreeable and relatively emotionally stable. Your exit strategy is infidelity; if she finds out and gets rid of you she takes the burden of guilt away from you of a break up pronouncement, but at her expense (betrayal). That is the opposite of a problem solving skill; it is the creation of a greater problem to mask underlying anxiety.

The more likely genesis of your problem is that you are a ludus lover, who is uncomfortable iin deep intimacy (you've already had a flew hookups secretly) and she is an eros or storge lover (one who values a home life and intimacy). http://www.examiner.com/article/john-le ... es-of-love

Solution: Confess that you are not cut out for home life and that she has had a wonderful effect on your life, because she shared her home and heart with you daily, and are sorry to disappoint her. No "we can be friends" insult. Take solace that you did try to get some advice here albeit LATE. Take this opportunity to rehabilitate your conscience so that it WORKS and prevents you from transgressing into betrayal of the persons closest to you in the future.

You can't "fix" something that's not broken. This isn't a matter of things going bad. This is a matter of incompatibility.

She isn't what you're looking for. You can't "fix" that. You can only search for better.

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To build on this, you can't fix anyone, and unfortunately a lot of guys have been brainwashed by society to try and do exactly that. A failed relationship can lead to internalized feelings of shame, but the reality is you can only fix yourself. Sometimes working on yourself can have a positive affect on the relationship you're in, it can also lead to the realization that this isn't the relationship you want so you can end it to find someone that's a 'better fit'.

You're better off being by yourself than in a dysfunctional relationship, but sadly a lot of guys don't feel 'whole' unless they're with someone, for better or worse. That's a clear sign that you can't tolerate being present in your own life, and that hole can't ever be plugged by anyone or anything else; it can only be filled from within.

Fix that and you'll never feel alone again, whether you're in a relationship or not. You will also be able to make better choices in partners and friends and live life a lot more effortlessly.