Neo - thanks for the response


I have a business which I have been running for many years and can't just throw it away. I am un-employable and would be a complete fish out of water if I went to live there.

Neo - thanks for the response


I have a business which I have been running for many years and can't just throw it away. I am un-employable and would be a complete fish out of water if I went to live there.

Ok. And likewise she has family and a life over there that she cant throw away. What I'm saying is, both of you have legit reasons for not moving, so its best to squash it at this pt. She's already on the dating site. That says alot.

Ok. And likewise she has family and a life over there that she cant throw away. What I'm saying is, both of you have legit reasons for not moving, so its best to squash it at this pt. She's already on the dating site. That says alot.

Appreciate what you're saying about the dating site and really it is time for me to take a hint and move on, but out of curiosity, and I know its hard to say, but given the situation whereby we cant be together because of location, her daily constant messaging and admitting she is finding it hard to date with me on her mind, is the dating app thing a kind of rebound/distraction type of thing? or do you think I was really discarded from her emotions that quickly within a week of finishing?
As mentioned before when I asked her what I should do, she said 'keep looking, but keep the door open'. Such a confusing comment.

Hi Guys..

So this is where I am up to now..

(recap of beginning of convo as written previously)...


* Flew her over here for 10 days to meet family.
* I flew there to meet hers since then
* Seen each other 20 days in total. speak every night for hours on video chat
* Great girl, very genuine, loving, warm, decent, the right principles etc.
* One or two little arguments, marginal difference in bedroom tastes, but we get on very well
* Wanted her to move, something she has been exploring in her mind
* Previously divorced so she's had a bit of life experience
* Did have one little argument last week and had a go at her about something. She's not been 100% since.
* She Broke the news to me yesterday with tears in her eyes that she can't move
* Attachment to family (brother died, sister lives a bit far from family), worried about losing all if it didn't work out
* Im gutted, asked if she's 'unsure' or 'sure' about not being able to come. she says mind made up.
* Says that argument wouldn't matter if I lived in same country. Just puts a small extra elemant of doubt in her mind.
* Tears in her eyes and not wanting to cut contact with me. I kind of said goodbye politely and then hung up
* She's been trying to contact me, I've been a bit aloof. This all happened yesterday.
* Would really like to live with her and give it a try.

(end of old bit)...

Story continues as follows..

* We spoke again that next day and she said she wanted to give it another chance. Said 'I cant see myself moving to another country, but I do love you and want to give it a chance'
* I emotionally accepted. Had booked a flight over on 23rd of this month for my birthday and all still going ahead.
* 4 days later her mum is rushed to hospital. Slipped every disc in back and can't do anything herself without the girl taking care of her
* Next day, the inevitable comes and she says its unlikely she will be able to fly over on 23rd (3 weeks away) and thinks she can't leave country for forseeable future.
* Was a bit like we split up again, still texting me and her telling me its hard for her. We continued to text in a very close manner like we missed each other and still wanted to be together. She still calls me 'baby' lol.
* Carried on texting but I got back on dating apps end of last week. Then on Monday I come across her on the apps.
* I approached it with her. Eventually admitted to 'swiping' but said she is finding it hard with me on her mind and has not been on any dates.
* I said I dont feel we can keep talking if you dont think we have a chance.. she kind of agreed and said 'it was the right thing to do' but seemed sad about it.
*Asked her again if she would come over and be with me, start a family. She responds its not about whether she wants to or not its about not being able to leave the country.
* I dont want to put pressure on her at this early stage (and I said previously I would wait months) but I feel its important to let her know I'm serious and would do alot for her.

So this is the confusing part...

* I asked her if she would come and visit me a bit more to make that decision about living here.
* She said she would but only when her mum gets better (fuck knows when that's going to be although she is due for an operation soon (awaiting date).
* She then follows it up with a text that says 'and I wont hold u like that' and then 'when I know i can come for a visit i'll check with u n if you want I'll come'
* We spoke on video chat, she was finding it difficult as was I (or at least I think she was). I asked her a question (which is also based on seeing her on the app).. 'What would you do in my position'. Her response 'keep looking, but keep the door open for us'.
* I didnt know how to respond.
* That was Monday, we have had no contact since. It's the 19th and the flight is in 4 days, which I havent yet cancelled or re-arranged.


I dont know what she is really thinking.
Is it a case of her mainly losing interest but enjoying the talk/wanting the attention?
does she still like me but genuinely feel its the distance and one day its a possiblity?
Should I do anything now about her coming over, message her something?

Appreciate there is a lot of little detail and another case of guy otherthinking, but I'm in my late 30's and this is the first girl who I met in years that I could settle down with who was also very keen on me.

You continue to rachet up the ante, making demands, and expecting more from her than you expect from yourself. You want a significant amount of investment from her that she's not willing to give, especially so early in this relationship. You're the one who's put the pressure on your relationship, so I'm not surprised at all that she's cracking/breaking.

At this point it will be very difficult to salvage the relationship, unless you significantly change your approach, which I don't think is going to happen. Might as well end it to avoid dragging things out longer. Obviously yes, cancel the flight and see if you can get any money back.

You continue to rachet up the ante, making demands, and expecting more from her than you expect from yourself. You want a significant amount of investment from her that she's not willing to give, especially so early in this relationship. You're the one who's put the pressure on your relationship, so I'm not surprised at all that she's cracking/breaking.

At this point it will be very difficult to salvage the relationship, unless you significantly change your approach, which I don't think is going to happen. Might as well end it to avoid dragging things out longer. Obviously yes, cancel the flight and see if you can get any money back.

but given the situation whereby we cant be together because of location, her daily constant messaging and admitting she is finding it hard to date with me on her mind, is the dating app thing a kind of rebound/distraction type of thing? or do you think I was really discarded from her emotions that quickly within a week of finishing?

I honestly don't see how I'm putting the pressure on but tell me why you think I am.. Interested to know/learn.
She even said to me previously 'I appreciate you're not putting pressure on me and it's a decision I know I have to make'..

Wanted her to move, something she has been exploring in her mind
* Previously divorced so she's had a bit of life experience
* Did have one little argument last week and had a go at her about something. She's not been 100% since.
* She Broke the news to me yesterday with tears in her eyes that she can't move
* Attachment to family (brother died, sister lives a bit far from family), worried about losing all if it didn't work out
* Im gutted, asked if she's 'unsure' or 'sure' about not being able to come. she says mind made up.[/quote[]

The parts in bold indicate that she does indeed feel VERY pressured to move, and that you are very expectant/hopeful of her moving, and that you have communicated as much to her. She's just not ready at this point, and you're going to have to hold off a lot longer before she is comfortable enough to move. This simply isn't something that should even be discussed at this point, because it's obvious that she's not ready.

I honestly don't see how I'm putting the pressure on but tell me why you think I am.. Interested to know/learn.
She even said to me previously 'I appreciate you're not putting pressure on me and it's a decision I know I have to make'..