N2Thevoid...

I will share with you what happened the day she moved out and before. Maybe it will make some sense as what you said above rings closer to what is happening...

20th Feb - I had a minor amount of porn from a while back that I don't watch. She mentioned that the last access on the files were 2014 so at least that is fine but the fact that I had THE FAPPENING and she didn't know what it was and saw photos of what looked like under 18s... led her to under the influence of a little bit of weed smoking call me and say "You're sick.. im reporting you to the police you sick fuck!" She is religious herself and has morals.... I explained later when I got home from work what it was and that it wasn't for me (truth as one of my guys at work doesn't have desktop and he wanted to see Jen Law's photos). I said fine and I never bothered to get rid of stuff as I forgot and it isn't something I do as I like to focus on the woman I am with. I am not Terry Crews.

This date is when the apartment she moved into was advertised so her friend was the one who looked for places and did the viewing. She did not get to prior to moving in.

29th Feb - She moved out and she was crying a lot still... She informed me Weds 27th Feb. She was in tears as she was saying that she didn't know if she made the right decision but it is too late as tenancies were signed and you cant back out then as deposit was paid. So she knows she is stuck.

She continuously says that her staying there wont be for long as her friend doesn't want to stay in the US for much longer and wants to go back home to go to college and study another course. She asks me to stay round her new place but I have said no I don't want to. The other night I didn't even want to go in. Should I be staying when she offers to act like all is normal? I hate her friend with a passion as it feels like my gf was taken advantage of in an emotional moment that she can now no longer back out of and she rushed to make a choice to move out like that.

She made dinner the other evening (best she has so far)...

But my aim is two fold:

1. To be the guy she fell in love with and game her as this is probably the best approach as negativity towards what she has done may enforce her decision as being right where if I let things play out, they will fall apart with her new place anyway. So her situation will not improve no matter what.... Sometimes people are led astray by the wrong people. On Sundays we also both go to mass together sometimes. Don't get me wrong. She may be religious like this and loyalty is very important but she is a freak outside of this when it comes to experimenting etc.

2. I want a full blown explanation of why she left. My ex even sent her a message about me having to pay for half of a loan we took out to buy something and my ex messed up and paid too late and the interest free period had lapsed meaning the entire first year interest front loaded was payable.

Does asking for an explanation make me an AFC or does it make me look like I don't give a shit about her going and why she left? I know that only I know her but what do you think? Your opinions are very much valued.

To me all the aforementioned stuff is extraneous information.

All that's important are FEELINGS and NEEDS, content doesn't really concern me apart from it setting up some sort of a context, but the end result is the same...communication, specifically of feelings and the underlying unmet needs they're emanating from.

(I hope I m speaking English btw as the other day one of my clients approached me in private after a group session stating that the words are used made it difficult for him to follow.)

It sounds to me as though you're so caught-up in worrying about looking weak; you've equated speaking about your needs (wanting Clarity and Understanding among them, so instead you'd sooner go on acting 'alpha' rather than addressing the elephant in the room.

Which approach do you think will yield a healthier result? 1) Acting like nothing's the matter and switching gear into 'good boyfriend' mode, never truly knowing what the issue was, and guessing perhaps down the line when the other shoe will drop and this re-occur without warning?

or 2) Giving her the empathy she needs right now (we don't know what's going on for sure) and once you've done this she will definitely open-up to you and you'll have your reason. After which you two can exam solutions together rather than being in the dark and reacting to her behavior.

How might this look? I'll give an example in your situation.

Ctrl: "I've been thinking how much anxiety you're dealing with lately with this move..." (empathy is given first, before we can have our own needs met, otherwise the person may get defensive . e.g. "its always about what YOU want!")

Her: "Yea you know things right now are so up-in-the air...I know I've committed to this move but you know I m just so unsure if its the right thing to do. I'm struggling with this"

Ctrl: "Sounds like you're feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. It'd feel comforting to feel some certainty in this decision" (notice I am empathizing with her naming the feeling, Uncertainty, without actually naming it, also a need Certainty which is really about Security which isn't being met)

Her: "....It'd just be so much easier to stay but..." <silence> (silence can infer building courage to get deeper, or that there's been a shift and the person feels heard meaning they've received the empathy they needed)

Ctrl: <hold silence>

at this point I'd continue giving the empathy she needs, OR check in with her "is there anything more you'd like me to hear, or can I share with you what's going on for me?"



When you focus on hearing feelings and needs you don't pay attention to what another person thinks about you so you don't become reactive. You get to the heart of the matter quick, and connect to what's alive in them rather than throwing shit back at them and having things escalate.


I'm not sure you'd be able to pull this off now if you're being really triggered by the situation, it may be tough to give her that empathy so you can get to her need. Behind every feeling is a need. When someone's not communicating their need directly they take non direct ways, sometimes they become passive aggressive and/or seemingly manipulative but its all just really a manifestation of a tragic expression of unmet needs.

If you really want to get to the bottom of it and learn how to communicate like this lookup Marshall Rosenberg's, Non-Violent Communication workshop on youtube. There's a 3 hour one that will help you completely reframe what's happening not only in this situation, but also help you become a more compassionate listener and help you communicate needs as well as having them met in a clearer language.

The train runs. It is too late, it doesnt matter even if you get answer, would be these lies. Like i said before, there is somethin in background. it does not nake sense to move out just child porn stuff.

I d ask her why she acted like a bitch? afterwards i ll probably get a imaginary and false answers, cuz is there cheating, she d not say the truth.

You should take that way, first ask her and get satisfied, cuz your nourons are fucking each other right now.

Punish her with no contact till she coms to you and beg. Otherwise it looks like mindfuck and senseless to act like that.

It you accept her behaviour u will lose value. U cant control her but still u can punish her with NO CONTACT.

It seems the last use date of commitment is over.. Stay sharp bro.

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

Troll elsewhere.

Can anyone ban this guy?

Bingo.


You're just another guy on the forum thinking he's in a situation thats special. Many of you guys have came, with the same " my story is unique" mentality. And you have all left with the same reality.

The quote is all you need to see or know. The emotions this situation is causing you speaks volumes for itself. You're clearly not very secure within the position of your relationship or with your girlfriend regardless of what you may try to convince yourself of or us.

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take this, twist this, and stuck to your anywhere but available hole.

Ideas are relative. If you suggest anything in contrast with me, right it why i am wrong or GTFO.

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

Lets be honest:
Unless she was paying you rent, mathematically she benefited more than $700 from staying at your place for a year.
Second, stop blaming your gf's friend. Your gf is a grown woman, and if she is so accomplished, she's mature enough to NOT move in with a trainwreck. It's not some difficult decision and she was not manipulated. A girl who WANTS to continue staying with you, would tell the friend she cant move out BECAUSE SHE'S ALREADY LIVING WITH HER BOYFRIEND. Or helped the friend find a place she could afford. OR sublease or her own place, if she had one to the friend. OR let the friend stay for free. Make no mistake, your girl CHOSE to leave. Who's the no good person here? The girl who dips on you with no explanation in a financially unsound situation, or the chick who was always a wreck? Sounds like your gf wants to experience being a trainwreck herself for a while. Fuck, even IF your gf's friend did some jedi manipulation on her, saying that her moving in with her would be the only way she isnt homeless...a girlfriend who gives a fuck about you, heck a gf who respects you, would tell you as soon as that convo was had. She's telling you now about her friend's finances...why wasnt she telling you anything when she was signing the lease?

Also, if she's so grounded and good, how can she decide within a week to move out. Grounded, mature chicks dont do that. And hell no they dont do that and tell you TWO days before leaving, crying. What happened, at the very best, was your gf discussed something with a friend, thought about it, budgeted, signed papers or whatever and THEN told you after it was done. What kind of relationship is that when a girl doesnt even discuss something like that well in advance. Forget the bs tears, look at her actions. She doesnt give a fuck.

Let that sink in. Cause its 100% true. You think there's no guy? You think things are good? How would you know? She doesnt even tell you she's moving out. How well do you 2 really know each other? Not saying there's a guy either way, but come on man, look at her actions before you say you really know whats in someone's mind.

Pt blank, a good gf wouldnt have you in this situation, and not with all this confusion.

Now, the optimist in me thinks maybe she felt you guys moved in too soon and she wanted her independence back. Maybe thats all it is. She still wants to be with you, just wants her own place. Even then, she was terrible at communicating that to you ahead of time like an adult.

The pessimist/realist thinks this girl's disregard of you, changing passwords, and moving signals a break up coming. Let me say this, sex, dinners and some tears mean nothing. The big test of love and wanting a lasting relationship would have been NOT telling you 2 days before she's gone. I see a guy who is blaming her friend before his gf, is afraid to say a simple "wtf?", and who is now concerned with attracting her, instead of her own selfish decisions and lack of communication. And that hints at why she'd want to break up if her bf has stopped respecting himself or is afraid of how he appears to her.

OP, i really do not get you, because u opened this issue to discuss here bit you are acting like hers advocate. You are defending her. Here u r only looking for validation from us with telling your girl is innocent and made bad decision but loved you so much, and wanna suck your pitty dick till her throat.

But the ugly truth is she sends you clear signals, if you want to get a healty relationship with her it is right time to make move. Punish her, cut the contact leave her for her freedom. Arfer then when she comes back, so come here and say she loves me fuckin much. I will shake your hand.

But be prepared wave is coming, better get a board or go down deep.

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

Valid points.

I'm gonna grab an explanation tonight. It's only right to ask her why she didn't communicate with me in the days when she made the decision right?

Look. I've met a lot of women but this one actually has direction, (for the most part) sensible, decent looking and shares a lot of the same values but she has fucked up right now. No two ways about it.

The changing of things signals a clear lack of trust. Fact.

If someone has lost trust in you after this long.... It's not good. Even her texts have lost the affection they used to have. She apologised for being moody when on her period but that's normal....

But it makes no sense to spend 12,000 extra per year to get away from me. I'm a chilled out guy and I help a lot. In NON money related stuff and support for what she does and how hard she works.... We may have moved in too soon as it was only 3 months into dating that she started to stay every day. We went to Thailand together for 3 weeks and this carried on and then we went to Egypt together and then to where she is from twice. Her family love me and I get on great with her friends.

I'm only defending invalid points from previous confusion about who is the negative friend and that's it isn't gf.

The elephant in the room has to be addressed. I will ask open ended questions tomorrow me be empathetic. I will listen to the Marshall Rosenberg video and improve my communication skills. I guess I'll report back on Friday.

Thank you very much for your help guys. This is a genuine case.

Eddie Fews. I was assertive of our relationship until this happened. Everything was on the rise.

Should I do this talk post sex or pre sex and have great make up sex when she is in tears which she will be.....????

^^if anything, Non-Violent Communication will teach you how to convey your needs, and see unmet needs in others. It'll turn you into the opposite of a passified whimp who 'plays nice', but rather someone who is in touch with what's alive in themselves and others.

Just be aware that demands will likely get you an answer, but an answer out of the wrong sort of energy (and likely a manufactured answer not at the root of the unmet need(s)).


When you have the talk is inconsequential outcome wise. That said, how in-line are you living with your values by waiting? And, for WHOM are you waiting for?

Thanks ^^^^ also what about my question about post good sex or prior to....???

What do you think?

You still dont see it...you still cant fathom it's not her friend pulling her away,its not trust that makes her not tell you she's moving or changing her passwords before moving...you cant fathom that this is a sign of a relationship where her feelings have changed. Its not trust. Thats like saying if a girl cheats on you, the problem is she didnt trust you enough to tell you how she felt. If her friend was really the cause of her moving out, she would have told you from the moment her friend approached her to move in together,not done it in secret and told you on the way out. And you're going to ask her how she feels about being stuck with the friend? The friend is not the cause here. The texts have been less affectionate, she's moved out without telling you, she told you neglected her, she's hiding stuff now and changing passwords...see where all this leads to? Is it the friend? Communicate for sure, but not about her situation with her friend, because that aint it. Her feelings have changed. And you could be the best bf and take her around the world, be super stable and her friends could love you. It just happens. But if you want to salvage anything, you gotta be honest with yourself.

Neo. Understood.

I won't be talking about her friend. It will be about me and her.

You should first fuck her very rough style, afterwards u can tell her what you feel about this moving out situation. Be nice and kind but say it alpha way. No need to drama. Listen her, whatever she says, you are broken here, act cold and distant and leave from house.

Do not call her until she reaches out. She needs unverbal ultimatum.

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.