Like the Addict, an abused person has a lowered sense of self-worth that develops early on in life. At the heart of it all is the innate desire to feel a sense of connection, and the malignant ways of finding it. Addicts will often speak of forming bonds with drugs or alcohol. One heroin abuser referred to her first experience with heroin as feeling like a big warm hug. In my estimation people who are in abusive relationships are no different. In both circumstances too the person can cover-up the situation (hide it from family, friends, co-workers etc) until it becomes untenable and the symptoms more readily apparent.

If a person came from an environment, for example, where caregiving was inconsistent, lax, or absent altogether then he/she will likely internalize the view that they are worthless. Add to that they actually learn to associate vulnerability with pain. Here's the thing. Every human wants connection (unless you're a sociopath, of course) and we all instinctively go-about seeking connection whether its through healthy or unhealthy means. This is one of the reasons youth join gangs - they derive a sense of belonging from it. It's also an explanation as to why people remain in abusive relationships and seemingly also attract abusive people.

Now when you think of connecting to another human being, one of the ways we do this is by being vulnerable with them - sharing bits of our 'selves' with that person and if its a healthy relationship it is generally reciprocated and through that exchange feelings of trust and security take root. But what about the person who has a history of abuse and the associated low self-image? They want to feel connected too, but being vulnerable for them means pain so they tend to be very ambivalent about connections with people. But when they do feel a connection they will settle for whatever scraps of affection they can get.

So going back to the addict, even though the behaviour is clearly self-destructive, they are gaining some level of connection in engaging in it. And in understanding addiction, we must ask the question "what is RIGHT about the addiction?" rather than what's wrong with it - the same is when looking at people with abuse patterns. There is obviously something functional about the relationship, as toxic as it may be, and as crazy it looks to an outside observer.

Remember you're looking through this through a non-attachment lens. You, and others here, may be able to differentiate healthy from unhealthy relationships but to the person with abuse patterns there is no real conceptualization of what that looks like. Add to this the belief that he/she cannot do any better, AND the low feelings of self-worth they've internalized which make it all but impossible for them to feel comfortable in receiving unconditional positive regard (there's always strings attached in their mind, some sort of hidden motive). Lastly, the SHAME experienced from society ("How could you be so stupid to stay in such a relationship?!?" "You're a masocist" etc) create a vicious cycle for the victims of abuse and keep them entrenched in the process.


Typical Cycle of Abuse looks like this



Abusers typically apologize and take full ownership of their partner's displeasure because they learn early on in life that asking for their own needs to be fulfilled is onerous on others. In essence they feel ashamed to even HAVE needs let alone to request someone help them meet those needs. They see themselves as impositions. Its not that they have no needs its that they believe those needs are subservient to everyone elses'.

Hm. I have definitely considered the perspective you've given: the psychological perspective of the victim and the co-dependence that exists in the relationship.

It's true, I agree—getting out of this from a psychological standpoint is not easy. I relent that I wanted to be as harsh and as critical as I could with my statement to elicit a response from him, and addendum, I was peeved at the amount of advice he was receiving and his lack of action in the relationship.

I get your standpoint and I believe it's the correct way to view it. I suppose you can't stop a person from being depressed by simply telling them "stop" - and yes, I've experienced that feeling myself - so it's more than understandable.

Ultimately, I think this entire situation is totally out of our hands. We can spend our time discussing his relationship, but it will be more of the same: He gets on, posts about his abuse, we reprimand him, criticize him, try to help him, and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

In my opinion skinny, you have to reach out to an outside party that has more of an effect on you and your situation than us anonymous internet folk. I can see why you've defaulted to try improving yourself, but part of doing that is acknowledging that there is a problem that you yourself can't handle.

Get a hold of a therapist, counselor, or psychologist that can more adequately assess the situation. I know that sounds totally cliche but they are honestly very helpful. A simple google search can get you matched quickly. They can advise you for a much more impacting, helpful, and constructive game plan on picking yourself back up than a thousand of us could.

If that isn't available, grab another source of support. Grab your mom. Grab your dad. Grab a friend. Grab your best friend. Grab every person that you know, grab everyone that even slightly cares and vent to them. Confide in them all your doubts and worries and troubles until there isn't anything left—just don't be afraid in sharing a bit of the load with the people who actually have the power of change.

I agree. Seeking the help of a counsellor is a good starting point. It takes a lot of courage to seek help, especially as a guy as we've been so acculturated with the bullshit notions that we must 'fix' and be 'strong'.

i did not even read after 5th page and wanna say to you how pussy you are. Be a fuckin alpha bitch!!!! Do it for us cuz nobody wanna hear your pussy screams. Be a fuckin man.

to become an alpha if u must have suffering accept that and fuckin reborn from your fuckin ashes.

Do ourselves a favor KICK HER ASS OUT AND WATCH HER BEGGIN.

SOMETIMES IF U WANT TO WIN SOMEBODY U MUST READY FOR LOSE!!!!

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

thanks mate.

This is the exact type of reply you'd expect from someone that lives in his mothers' basement.

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I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

LMAO

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mpuaforum.proboards.com

Hahaha ouch!

i think u used to be there cuz i do not have such experince

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

And i m wondering what does R.C. mean?

but i guess it is Rocked on Couch?

_________________
Carpe Diem, Dolce Vita...

Psychal power comes through Mental strenght.

Jeezish - that was awful.

First of all,
I want to say a thank you to all of you. You all may have thought that I just posted, bitched, moaned, read your replies, and then maybe didn’t do anything. It irks and kills me when people just say ‘break up with her’, trust me, if I could press a button I would. Its fucking confusing for me. Im not wired like you guys, and now I feel weak to the stomach every single day, that for that BRIEF second when things are MAYBE fixed with her, I feel okay and calm. Its so sad. I am sad. Honestly, I feel like one of the most depressed people out there. My mum is on anti depressants, and my grand mother has a history of depression and its obvious I do too. I cant help but see everything negative. I write this a bit with tears in my eyes fed up of constantly feeling this way, I never use to be like this, I use to be a cocky smart ass boy who was getting in trouble now and then but always caring and friendly. Now, I am obsessed with a girl who treats me like scum.
The other day I drove up to her university, we agreed I should come, after a little argument she told me ‘I didn’t ask you to come…’, to cut a long story short, after a cinema and restaurant date the next day, whilst driving she yelled at me when I didn’t turn the corner fast enough when a car was coming our way. BEING NO WHERE NEAR AN ACCIDENT, she yelled at me and called me a fucking retard and idiot. I snapped, told her she is the rudest person I have ever met, that her parents should be disgusted in her and most of all mine disgusted in me that I put up with her bull shit and trash talk. We said nothing else, when we got back to her dorm room I was expecting to spend the night as she told me earlier to do so and it was very late, when she told me to leave and drive home… I picked up my bag and coat, and left the room and drove home 3 hours... Two days have passed, no one word said. I see snapchats of her and other guys.
I don’t know what to tell you. People ive never even met. Some of the comments ‘looking for a pitty party or our sympathy’… I don’t even know you guys, yet two people in this forum thread do know me and Im sure can attest that im a good guy through talking to them regulary and I am capable of more. But im fucked up… im so fucked up in the head…. Maybe im a masochist, maybe I like the pain, but I don’t want to, im sick of this, I am. How can someone treat me like dirt, like utter shit, when I do so much for them, is it because I do so much for them…
I know the game, I know the macho man, ive re read all the posts, I know it all. I can promise you, more than 90% of guys on the forum if you and I go out into a bar and its about picking up a girl, I can do it and I will get an HB8-9, my problem is when I fall or when I reach a certain point… I implode.. I literally collapse and I cant explain what happens.

I feel alone, literally in America on a scholarship for sports just wasting away the best years of my life. Sometimes when I get low, really low, and I mean low to a point where I feel like my parents are the only one who would feel sad if I were to die. Im normally not an open guy, but I don’t know you guys, and I feel extremely low, down, sad right now, and on a Monday night where I cant sleep and whatever is going on with my ‘gf’ and I, I didn’t know where else to turn except here.
Ive exhausted every option, am I too afraid to be alone, do I like the pain or the dominant shit she does, I DON’T KNOW, BUT I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS AND HELPLESS. ALL I WANT IS HER FUCKING RESPECT. Not even that, I want to know how she can treat someone this way, for a year and a half. I told her the other day she should see a counsellor, because of the way she talks to me and how disconnected she is with her emotions, but what the fuck am I doing, im the one who needs to see a counsellor… im a fucking mess. Sometimes I wake up thinking, I cant wake up feeling this way anymore. The worst part is, she doenst even know this, I cant even tell her how depressed I feel I cant tell her shit.

I don’t know what to do anymore, except break up with her, but I don’t want to. If it makes sense, I want her to care enough to know im going to do it, but for her to realize what shes doing, for her to change her act. To realize she has something good. But maybe im not good.. maybe im the worst thing for her. Im scared of being alone. Of breaking up with her and becoming even worse… checking Instagram snapchat facebook and grasping onto the only thing left. Im a wreck already. Im jealous of her life, her social circle, her sports her college her everything, how she doesn’t ask me ONCE what im up to, who im with, who im eating with, she doenst fucking care. She has zero input about my life she doenst give a fucking damn and I DON’T GET WHY AFTER A YEAR SHE DOENST CARE A BIT. I sound like a little child here, a little whiny bitch, I know, but I cant do this anymore, but I don’t know how to get the courage to end it, im stuck. I feel sick, weak, lost, everyone sees it on my team, im losing friends. I don’t know what to do.

Ive been bitten, hit, slapped, you name it, the me a few years ago would have left ages ago, i dont know whats going on. i dont know what the fuck im doing.

It really sounds like you've endured a lot and are at your whits end, but its hard to let go of something you're so invested in.

I know you're looking for an out, you don't enjoy this but feel trapped, and dejected.

It sounds as though you want to be acknowledged, appreciated, and respected by her, but its clear she's not willing to give that to you.

To be frank, you can only give that to yourself (which I know sounds like a bit of a paradox), but reading this isn't going to be enough to evoke any change. If it were so simple you wouldn't be in this situation.

I see you're really hurting, in quite a bit of pain its palpable in your texts and your behavior.

Would it be too much to ask that you delete and block her from all social media, block her #, including any of her email addresses? I know it's a scary thought, but I also know you can do it, and it is a start. This would be akin to making yourself some chicken soup for when you have a cold. You've compromised a few of your core values, and are at a spot where the self you knew, and the behaviours you're engaging in are out of alignment. By slowly tending to yourself again, you will in-time get back in alignment with those values.

The funny thing about self-esteem, you do these little things and bit-by-bit you slowly build yourself up. Even by taking this first step you will feel a little better for reclaiming that control.

I am seeing a guy who's feeling broken right now, and she can't tend to that broken person, she doesnt know how or is unwilling. And right now its important that you be there for that broken guy, sit down with him at the curb, ask him what's alive in him right now and give him some emergency empathy that he so rightly deserves.

Beyond this, I think what you're going through is beyond the scope of this forum. I would highly suggest you seek some sort of intervention from a mental health professional who can help steer you out of this, and also be there to afford you the empathy you deserve.

IF you do sleep with her again, wear a condom. This girl is most likely sleeping around on you. Tough to hear but if she doesnt have any respect for you, faithfullness is not one of her priorities.

And yes, therapy. NOW

Such a vicious violent cycle:

I can see the violent language you use on yourself, a lot of shame and "shoulding/musts", add to that the way you're allowing yourself to be treated by this person is such a toxic cycle and she's helping fulfill the prophecy "I am unlovable", "I am not enough", "I am worthless without having someone".

It's not what's wrong with the relationship, it's what's right with it. In other words, it's what she represents, less so her per se. And her SPAM towards you, albeit your tolerance of it is indicative of how you feel towards yourself, and it reinforces your beliefs about yourself as previously mentioned.

Here's the thing buddy,

You're at the point now where nice words won't help.

It's a vicious cycle, yes. BUT it's one you can pull yourself out, but ONLY you can pull yourself out of.

Sorry but there's no easy, convenient, solution. You can continue to feel depressed about her, or you can finally decide to exercise your self respect and LEAVE HER.

But YOU must come to that decision. You must realise that there are MILLIONS of other women, with far more to offer in looks, personality, intangibles than she would. MILLIONS who would love to be with you, but you're so caught up in your misery that you can't see that there are plenty of BETTER options.

So stop complaining about how she's treating you, because YOU are the one allowing her to treat you like that! YOU are the one giving her the power to make you feel horrible!

It is time for YOU to take control, leave her, and move on.