Girlfriend's mother doesn't want us together anymore



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 6:41 am 
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Whenever I read these threads, I tend to not look at what's being said, but whats NOT being said. What's being danced around, typically signals something the guy is embarrassed about and how invested he is into making the rs work over getting relevant advice.
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As for the mistakes, I think that I was maybe too available, clingy and acted insecure a few times when I shouldn't have. When I say "on my terms", I mean that she also made mistakes, similar to those that I made, and that we had to work on that.
This is very vague and its most likely a huge missing piece as this is why she broke up with you. Details on how you were too available, how you were clingy, how she reacted, how it resolved. And saying she makes similar mistakes is just confusing and more vague, as she is not contacting you first and actually broke up with you. Knowing exactly what happened can help you get advice on whether its related to the lack of contact, and mom shit. Whats typically behind this vagueness is the guy doesnt want to be told "damn she did that, move on."
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I wonder what's going on for her that she doesn't initiate. You could look at that first, the answer may surprise you. Perhaps she feels a great deal of fear (feeling) that her mother may catch her contacting you, or that somehow she's betraying her in doing so. In this instance the need could be safety/security.
I like this view, but I think it may be incorrect, just because OP's stated this was going on before the 2 mom's fallout. I dunno, maybe her age or codependency with mom? Maybe shes just not accustomed with dating? But whatever the case yes it should be communicated.
Possibly, but keep in mind this may have been a pattern with her predating her meeting the OP. Just a theory.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 12:53 pm 
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Nope. I'd move on to find somebody else willing to meet my needs.

But the bigger question is 1) are you in-touch with your needs, and 2) have you conveyed this in direct language to your girlfriend? if not, you have to take full accountability for this pattern.


For example, "I feel sad because I have a need for mutuality and its not being met." followed by what meeting that need looks like, and how she could help you meet it.

I wonder what's going on for her that she doesn't initiate. You could look at that first, the answer may surprise you. Perhaps she feels a great deal of fear (feeling) that her mother may catch her contacting you, or that somehow she's betraying her in doing so. In this instance the need could be safety/security.

Do you see how empathizing with her all of a sudden alters how you feel? This just reinforces how we confuse evaluations and judgments (of what someone else is DOING to us) with observation.

So when you focus on what may be going on for the other person, and empathize it really disarms any anger, and you really get to the root of the issue faster and a place where you can both meet each other's needs.



If you want to actually make a change for the better and willing to put the effort in, watch Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication. Refrain from contacting this girl for at least the next 3 hours.

It will change your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEqmZ2E1o64
That's an interesting view. I'll put that into practice. There's also something that I find relevant: girlfriend has a almost completely "indifferent" look on life(maybe due to her age?); I am not saying she doesn't care about anything, It's just that she isn't very worried about the future(not her life's future): for her, the present, the moment is important.

Sometimes I would ask her: "What are you going to do tonight?", and she would simply answer: "I don't know". I think It all comes down to insecurity; in our relationship, she would sometimes say: "I don't deserve you". And yeah, I would find It a red flag, even though her actions showed she wanted our relationship to work. Perhaps words aren't that important.

Thank you for the video!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 1:17 pm 
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This is very vague and its most likely a huge missing piece as this is why she broke up with you. Details on how you were too available, how you were clingy, how she reacted, how it resolved. And saying she makes similar mistakes is just confusing and more vague, as she is not contacting you first and actually broke up with you. Knowing exactly what happened can help you get advice on whether its related to the lack of contact, and mom shit. Whats typically behind this vagueness is the guy doesnt want to be told "damn she did that, move on."
Neo, the problem is to this day I still don't quite understand why she broke up with me. What I described is what I think might have caused her to do It. The relationship just became boring. Later on she told me she did It by impulse, and that she regretted It, If that's true I don't know. When I said: "on my terms", It's just that I wanted to add a little bit of game when she came saying she wanted to try again, because I kind of sensed she would lose even more interest in our relationship If I just had took her back as If nothing had happened and as If she had made no mistake. As for the lack of contact, It's always been lack that.

Maybe you're right, I just don't want to be told: "She's not that into you", and I don't deny It might be true, but I also don't ignore that I am still not completely out of the game and that's why I am asking you guys your opinions: I think that things can still work between me and this lady.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 1:38 pm 
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Did you ask her to be your gf?


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 1:58 pm 
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Did you ask her to be your gf?
Yep, I did.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 2:56 pm 
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Quote:
Quote:
Nope. I'd move on to find somebody else willing to meet my needs.

But the bigger question is 1) are you in-touch with your needs, and 2) have you conveyed this in direct language to your girlfriend? if not, you have to take full accountability for this pattern.


For example, "I feel sad because I have a need for mutuality and its not being met." followed by what meeting that need looks like, and how she could help you meet it.

I wonder what's going on for her that she doesn't initiate. You could look at that first, the answer may surprise you. Perhaps she feels a great deal of fear (feeling) that her mother may catch her contacting you, or that somehow she's betraying her in doing so. In this instance the need could be safety/security.

Do you see how empathizing with her all of a sudden alters how you feel? This just reinforces how we confuse evaluations and judgments (of what someone else is DOING to us) with observation.

So when you focus on what may be going on for the other person, and empathize it really disarms any anger, and you really get to the root of the issue faster and a place where you can both meet each other's needs.



If you want to actually make a change for the better and willing to put the effort in, watch Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication. Refrain from contacting this girl for at least the next 3 hours.

It will change your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEqmZ2E1o64
That's an interesting view. I'll put that into practice. There's also something that I find relevant: girlfriend has a almost completely "indifferent" look on life(maybe due to her age?); I am not saying she doesn't care about anything, It's just that she isn't very worried about the future(not her life's future): for her, the present, the moment is important.

Sometimes I would ask her: "What are you going to do tonight?", and she would simply answer: "I don't know". I think It all comes down to insecurity; in our relationship, she would sometimes say: "I don't deserve you". And yeah, I would find It a red flag, even though her actions showed she wanted our relationship to work. Perhaps words aren't that important.

Thank you for the video!
Nice. She sounds wise beyond her years.


Watch all 3 hours, then watch it again. Practice it till it becomes habitual. Once you do you'll never hear another "NO" or judgment ever again (really!).


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 1:01 pm 
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Things have really improved since my last post. Our mothers reconciled and everything is okay now. I am dating the girl again. But there's a problem I would like a little bit of help with.

Well, I've been having sex with my girlfriend since then, but since last Sunday she's on her period and understandably she doesn't want to have sex with me. I am ok with It. The problem is I indirectly suggested I go to her place at the end of the week(Friday) so that we can have sex, but she refused and said she would only do It MONDAY. Then I asked her: "What about the weekend since you're not busy?", and she kept saying she will do It only MONDAY. For whatever fucking reason she didn't told me why(is there one?).

I got pissed and told her I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't get sex and If that's the case we're done. She acted indifferent and didn't change her mind and left me talking to myself. I was furious.

And I now I've been thinking: "Did I overreact?". It never happened before, in the beginning of our relationship we would even have sex when she was on her period and now she comes with this bullshit? I mean, I can understand her situaton and wait for her "vaginal bleeding" to stop but when It is over she won't understand my side?

I think It was a shit test in which I didn't pass.

What should I do? I told her I would go to her place today, should I really go and talk to her?


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 2:08 pm 
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I got pissed and told her I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't get sex and If that's the case we're done.
You're being kind of an asshole here. Relationships are 2way streets. I mean if all it takes for you to break up with her is her postponing, not even denying but postponing sex, once, for a couple days, that alone says quite a lot about just how important she is to you.
I also don't really understand "indirectly" suggesting anything. She's your girl. Why would you need to indirectly?

Anyway, your girlfriend is not obligated to have sex with you. You are not owed sex. And if her not wanting to have sex with you becomes a pattern (aka starts happening on a regular basis), even then the problem will most of the time be you. Shitload of guys just turn into cavemen once the girl is hooked. Seduction goes out the window. So does the excitement and the fun. Turn your girl on dude, don't be a caveman.

There's a difference between looking out for your needs and enforcing your needs. Right now you're trying to enforce.

PS: A relationship happens between two people. You'll have a real shit time trying to be in a committed relationship with her while she's already in a committed relationship with her mother. This stuff never works out when someone brings parents into it.
And if by the time you're 18 you still need mom to make your decisions for you, don't fool yourself into thinking that will change. Ever.
You may wanna consider that.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 2:19 pm 
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Yeah, I screwed up. So how do you think I can fix this without looking like a complete beta? Should I apologize for my behaviour?


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 2:38 pm 
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You can only look like a "beta" if you are a "beta".

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 2:43 pm 
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You haven't really answered my question. If you were in my place, what would you do to try to fix things?


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 2:52 pm 
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Apologize like a man. A fuckup is a fuckup. And putting your ego aside taking responsibility for it is not something many people are capable of doing.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 4:38 pm 
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I got pissed and told her I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't get sex and If that's the case we're done.
You're being kind of an asshole here. Relationships are 2way streets. I mean if all it takes for you to break up with her is her postponing, not even denying but postponing sex, once, for a couple days, that alone says quite a lot about just how important she is to you.
I also don't really understand "indirectly" suggesting anything. She's your girl. Why would you need to indirectly?

Anyway, your girlfriend is not obligated to have sex with you. You are not owed sex. And if her not wanting to have sex with you becomes a pattern (aka starts happening on a regular basis), even then the problem will most of the time be you. Shitload of guys just turn into cavemen once the girl is hooked. Seduction goes out the window. So does the excitement and the fun. Turn your girl on dude, don't be a caveman.

There's a difference between looking out for your needs and enforcing your needs. Right now you're trying to enforce.

PS: A relationship happens between two people. You'll have a real shit time trying to be in a committed relationship with her while she's already in a committed relationship with her mother. This stuff never works out when someone brings parents into it.
And if by the time you're 18 you still need mom to make your decisions for you, don't fool yourself into thinking that will change. Ever.
You may wanna consider that.
Valuable point.

When you're wanting to have a need fulfilled, be mindful of out of what kind of energy you want the other person to meet it.

For example, if you make a demand/use threats to get someone to meet one of your needs, be mindful of that they may meet that need, but the energy its coming out of (fear) will eventually harm the relationship and get you more of what you don't want.


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