Hi guys,

2 months ago I met a great girl.
I have never really been in a long committed relationship. Lat time I was in love was about a decade ago.

Since then I have had several flings, one night stands etc.
I was never taking girls too seriously. Since they taking me seriously, it always ended up badly.

I feel as if I am really starting to commit emotionally to this girl, which is a fairly new feeling to me.
I also feel that my commitment is bigger than hers. I need to know how to take my mind off that girl so I don't become needy, boring and unattractive to her.

Any ideas? Would be great to see your thoughts...

How is your commitment more and how is hers less?

Well, first off she isn't too keen for everybody to know that we are actually seeing each other.
She works with my friend and clearly doesn't want him and his friends to know (she has no feelings for him).
Still, her female friends know, not a secret any more then.

Plus I have this feeling that I am the one initiating contact more.

I don't want to initiate it too often, but I feel as I do now.
On the other hand I don't want to initiate the contact too little.

I feel as if I am actually falling for this girl and don't have the feeling she does (at least yet)...

What has she done for you or is doing for you?

Also why initiate at all if she is embarrassed from being with you? Why is this girl worth anything?

Our mutual friend (who know) told me at the very beginning to take things very slowly.
She just went out of a 6 year long relationship and according to our friend is "confused" as to what she wants.

That's why I didn't mind others not knowing about this.

But now after 2 months I feel as if I want full commitment.
I'm a bit scared talking to her about this because it will put me in a lower position (me initiating 'the talk')

A. Have you had sex with her yet?

Your hot and sexy vibe is getting its ass kicked by your needy and clingy actions.

She is ready to bolt out the gate, you have your trigger finger on the firing pistol.

Personally, if I was you, I wouldn't tell her! When you tell someone how you feel about them, you make yourself very vulnerable to that person and you set yourself up for rejection if they don't feel the same way...........and you already say you don't think she feels the same way!

If it's an FWB thing you have a pretty good thing going right now so are you really willing to risk what might slowly be developing already?

If you tell her, and IF she doesn't feel the same, you are going to blow things with her big time! The first thing she would do is put distance between you because she will feel awkward and uncomfortable and will be afraid that anything she says or does is going to be taken the wrong way and that she'd be giving you false hope. Think of the consequences my friend! Don't be so quick to blurt out feelings. It could blow up in your face and cost you what you already have.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

[quote="Heywood Jablowme"]

A. Have you had sex with her yet?
^^^^
This 100%... if you have not had sex with her in 2 months then she has 0 emotional investment to you... and this would describe why you feel the way you feel. If you guy are having sex on the regular then I feel the roles would be 100% reversed here...

Yeah, we had sex several times.

I need to find a right balance in our relationship. Now I feel as if I am engaged more than her.
Sure, I won't tell her how I feel, but I sometimes say nice things to her, a compliment or two.

She is very reluctant to those things.

Jeez...


Focus more on yourself, not on her and your relationship with her. Print out what Heywood said and let that sink in.

Let her be the first one to initiate contact, be a little distant and create space for her to breath the air that isn't filled with your presence. If she misses you, she'll let you know, that's the best way to find out how.

Also, you didn't answer:

_________________
Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.

Why do what doesn't work?

Have you ever heard the expression, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? It's been around since Jesus was a teenager, peeking up Mary Magdalene's tunic.

Have you ever been to summer camp as a kid? A week in, and your trying to tunnel out and escape home to mommy, no matter how much fun your having.

In her mind, sometimes missing you is her attraction to you. if your always up her ass, she can't possibly miss you.

Get a hobby that isn't her, and don't call her every 10 minutes while your doing it.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

[/quote]

Well, that is a very good question. Since I have no clear answer to that I can only assume that she just is worth a lot.

Maybe the reason is that she is the only girl that has been a challenge for me for a very long time. She is very well settled in life (professionally, large apartment etc). I seem to be one step back in those things.
Trying to make it up though.

I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, yesterday I let it go and she did initiate the contact. I only hope I won't become too distant.

This phenomenon always interests me.

A friend of mine was sharing a similar story with me this evening about a girl he's seeing.

Just thinking about it aloud, how does one gauge another's level of commitment in them in relation to their own? Like that would require some really amazing mind reading techniques because all we really have to gauge is another person's behavior. But yet we mix-up our observations of behavior with judgment all the time.

Even more crazy is the fact that "feeling" someone's level of commitment is lower than your own is a THOUGHT, not a feeling. It's a thought and a prediction, and its this film reel you've got going on in your mind framing everything, including your own behavior through this portrait you've created.

Sounds pretty insane don't it?!

So now you're probably acting-out on this assumption that she's less invested in you and being aloof, and distant as a result of this thinking.

Oh, the games people play...



Hahah wait there's more now you have to present yourself as NOT needy because you've convinced yourself she's less invested, or rather that you're OVER-invested. You're going to do all these things (e.g. 'next her', game other girls etc)....

Meanwhile I wonder what she's truly thinking and doing. Maybe she thinks things are going well etc.. poor girl (if that's the case) cause she didnt know what she was signing up for getting a guy who gets all bent out of shape and passive aggressive, and for god knows why (in her mind)...

Boy sometimes I do feel women get the short end of the stick.

Huh?

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mpuaforum.proboards.com

That's the exact reason I am sharing the story and asking for your opinions/advise.
I went so much into the game throughout the years that when a girl arrives that I actually want to commit to, I freak out. I do tend to over-analyse. So the real question is: How to let go and enjoy the feeling?

She may very well think that all is going well, that's very possible. I am just not used to her yet.

Try meditation.