Man I honestly don't know what to think. I asked her out for a dinner tomorrow in order to sort this out without any hostility going forward. I am still thinking she might come around and accept the part she's played in this and make the effort. Any advice on how the evening should go? What to say/not to say? Any final words on some "rescue" techniques?

I am trying to go there with a mindset of "this relationship is over" but deep down on the inside I'm still hoping for a change.

I'd say you have a better chance winning the lottery.

You can't MAKE someone accept responsibility. If she's not doing her share its clear that for her its not worth salvaging. Keep your expectations at bay for tomorrow night for it may not go the way you want it to and things can escalate quickly.

I'd say you have a better chance winning the lottery.

You can't MAKE someone accept responsibility. If she's not doing her share its clear that for her its not worth salvaging. Keep your expectations at bay for tomorrow night for it may not go the way you want it to and things can escalate quickly.[/quote]

What do you mean by escalate? I again see a challenge in it with the odds being so low. One last go at it and if it fails - well I've done all I can.

Ahhhhh as foreseen it didn't work and I sorta feel like a fool. On the other hand I feel like I gave it my all and I am alright with moving on. Should I get back in the mix straight away or give it a while?

She wanted a break as she said "she still loved me but wasn't in love". So in my head instead of trying to fight for it she took the easy way out. She is going on the break with the intent of trying to sort her head out and coming back but I am so frustrated and I feel betrayed I am already pretty sure I will not be taking her back.

Any words of wisdom for a newly single, good looking guy in his mid 20s?

Look. You live and learn. You may not see it now, but this was a good experience for you and likely one that u'll carry forward into new experiences. You're building a repertoire, if you will, of experience and nobody here, or anywhere else can teach you this - it has to be felt, not just thought.

Switching gears to your feelings. Be careful, "betrayal' isn't a feeling, yet its often confused as such.

A feeling can be stated without an "I feel...<feeling word here>"; in other words "I am betrayed" doesn't make much sense as a feeling, especially since feelings are in-the-now and put us in touch with our immediate experience. "Betrayal" is actually an evaluation of what you think somebody else is doing TO you.

The feeling behind betrayal is probably along the lines of sad, heartbroken, afraid, apathetic, in pain, lonely etc..
I would get in touch with those more than "betrayal" as clinging to that THOUGHT will fuel anger and resentment, and you may potentially act-out of that.

I think some of the anger is fine as it is effective in helping you distance from the person. The best thing you can do is compassionately take accountability of the situation, and learn from it. It is what it is. There will be other opportunities with other people.

Your relationship with her is but a Signpost on your journey.

Some side questions for some context:

1. How did the arguments go down? Like some examples along the lines of what started it, how you reacted, how she reacted, how it was resolved.

2. Also, how long ago did you 2 move in together?

3. What is this infection? How did you handle it?

4. Any changes from her in the past year? eg weight loss, fitter body?

5. How has your career been going? Has anything changed with you recently?

I ask these questions because when a girl wants to move apart like this, its either:

1) Some new dick has entered the equation/she feels like she can do better
2) She's just grown tired of the relationship, it wasnt great and now she wants to move on
3) You've done stuff that really hurt her.

Most definitely not the first one and second one. I am almost 100% sure it's the last one and I have my part to play in. It takes two to tango though. I guess I am just more forgiving/less emotional.

EDIT:

After we broke up earlier on she started packing and decided on moving home for a while (after having told her parents we are going on a break where I explicitly stated it's a break up). Just a few moments ago she asked if she could stay in the apartment as she needs time away from everyone.

This may seem farfetched but she's been struggling with her health. The sport she took up to play professionally (she was 25 when it happened) was a sport she lost a relationship over with her pushy mother when younger. Then she was pressured into taking it up again in early 20s but declined. She's been a mess ever since she decided to give it a go last year. Her health has been the worst it's ever been - she's literally sick all the time. I told her and she pretty much agreed that it all could be linked to everything happening in her life right now. I don't agree it's right to compromise relationship for this but I do feel bad for her. What do you think about this?

Some replies must be missing

Those 2 examples wont really damage a rs that badly to this pt. Where are the harsh words and insults? Dont hold back what was said on either side. If things were great for 4 years, it wont be like this. Especially if most of it was due to your coaching. If it all broke down after 5 years due to one year of coaching, then things werent really great all along.

edit: just saw your edit

What do you think of the edit part?

Well I was struggling with work during some time as I was studying etc (she was the one providing for us). As a stupidly proud man I couldn't have fully accepted the situation and instead of trying to do something about it I was taking it out on her. I am a perfectionist and she's far from it - I'd literally wait for something stupid she'd do to call her an idiot or worse. She would then respond bring up the fact she's the one providing and that started really bothering me.

I had a perfect girlfriend which I didn't appreciate because of my own issues. Don't get me wrong - she played her part too - she had a very annoying habit of spilling secrets and it drove me bonkers. I felt she wasn't loyal at times choosing to say or do things I asked her no to do specifically.

Bottom line is - it's officially over but it still seems to be far from it. I will move to my parent's and we're supposed to meet in 10 days and re-cap to see where we are as I won't be staying at my parent's any longer. She needs time to figure herself out and the constant pressure of trying to live up to her potential is destroying her health, relationship and happiness.

I am stuck between trying to live my life without her and trying to help her out and getting things back on track. We both agreed we loved each other still but she just can't figure out what she wants and what's best for her. She said she might be making the biggest mistake of her life here but only time will really tell.

Question for you OP: What is her biggest complaint about you?

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First, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. However, I'm genuinely confused as proper details are missing, but I won't ask you to give more. I cant get a good read on it tbh, on one side it could be a girl got fitter, more successful and wants to be single. On the other hand, it reads like you took out frustrations on her and she's that hurt and turned off. Another read is she doesnt like to be pressured and maybe you pressured her in coaching. Another read is she's immature emotionally, and cant take responsibility. Another read is the relationship got stale, just due to time, coaching dynamic, you working alot or her career. I sense behind your words you said some truly mean things, but even then I dont know if its that or she just pushes people away sometimes and avoids things. It's coaching, infections, harsh words, all kinds of stuff going on. I'd need examples of how things were, really were....if there were fights then over messiness, what "harsh" words were said, how specifically you critiqued her, what happened during the 4 years and the past year, how your work situation were (when too busy and when in school and she's providing). These are small pieces here and they're scattered and not specific enough. That would kinda give a clue and whether this break will be her gone forever, or if this is just her taking time apart for her coping mechanisms (N2-I probably got that wrong lol). Its alot needed and I understand if you dont want to take the time. I'd just say whatever harsh words you may have said or not said, whatever you did wrong, be honest with yourself so at least if you get back, you're really better, or if its a breakup, you wont make the same mistakes with the next girl. Also be honest on whether part of you wants to date and experience other women before getting tied down.

That I didn't care enough and appreciate her

First, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. However, I'm genuinely confused as proper details are missing, but I won't ask you to give more. I cant get a good read on it tbh, on one side it could be a girl got fitter, more successful and wants to be single. On the other hand, it reads like you took out frustrations on her and she's that hurt and turned off. Another read is she doesnt like to be pressured and maybe you pressured her in coaching. Another read is she's immature emotionally, and cant take responsibility. Another read is the relationship got stale, just due to time, coaching dynamic, you working alot or her career. I sense behind your words you said some truly mean things, but even then I dont know if its that or she just pushes people away sometimes and avoids things. It's coaching, infections, harsh words, all kinds of stuff going on. I'd need examples of how things were, really were....if there were fights then over messiness, what "harsh" words were said, how specifically you critiqued her, what happened during the 4 years and the past year, how your work situation were (when too busy and when in school and she's providing). These are small pieces here and they're scattered and not specific enough. That would kinda give a clue and whether this break will be her gone forever, or if this is just her taking time apart for her coping mechanisms (N2-I probably got that wrong lol). Its alot needed and I understand if you dont want to take the time. I'd just say whatever harsh words you may have said or not said, whatever you did wrong, be honest with yourself so at least if you get back, you're really better, or if its a breakup, you wont make the same mistakes with the next girl. Also be honest on whether part of you wants to date and experience other women before getting tied down.[/quote]

Well things were amazing, I honestly thought/think she's got the most incredible personality that you can find. She's always been kind and generous.

I would call her anything from a bitch to a braindead idiot who can't properly clean a plate. When we started working together I couldn't agree how she always questioned my methods even though they brought great results for her. She'd always talk back telling me not to simplify things so much as she's not a child.

She'd say I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for her and the money she's spent on our apartment/food etc. Now that I think about I can't pinpoint one particular thing that would really stand out. It was more so about the volume and how the smallest thing she did would just drive me crazy. I was a promising athlete myself and the reason behind my success was work ethic. She was lacking in that department greatly. I would tell her she's not going to make it unless she changed her attitude bla bla. I am not like that with any other athlete I coach - just her. I told her she's a failure because she can't even control her diet and she knows that. She became obsessed with her appearance once she got a "six pack".

I am not sure if this is relevant but we travelled a lot together to many tournaments. We have had brilliant time or even recently when I was away - everything seemed normal. It's when we are together things are getting intense. She was bullied at school and she's far too open and bubbly and having known that I shouldn't have knocked her down.

I am realising more and more of what I've done wrong and I came clean. She never came clean on her part and it bothers me. I feel like she's blaming me for everything without seeing her own part in this.

She's taking our bedroom and I moved to the couch for the next night. All of a sudden when I walked in to get something - she offers to sleep beside her as she doesn't want me sleeping on the couch. It's like she's testing me if I'm the right guy but all I keep doing is being needy and trying to talk her out of this.

Lol. I thought it was going to be that you were controlling. After reading your last post, I still think it's a huge part of the problem but you definitely didn't do right by her.

It seems like she's gaining her self esteem and you fit into the category of her mom and the bullies that have been in her life. Now that she's realized this she's doing what is best for her. Let her go man.

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This

Had a feeling there was some bullying in there but didnt want to jump to conclusions. Do you know that if she walked away forever, she could tell people you were an emotionally abusive bf and could quote your exact words as evidence? Phrases like bitch or braindead idiot or you're a failure should never be thrown around in a relationship...heck you say those words to someone expect a full out fight. I've yet to see anything that this girl has really done and you keep alluding to the part she played in this. Your words would hurt any woman. What has she done to hurt you? Messiness? No. Saying you criticize her? No. Was she verbally abusive as well?