Hi guys, it's me again. remember me? I haven't posted here in a while because I was asking all theoretical questions and it was not helping.

I promised myself I would never post here unless I had a useful question. But there is something that's burning me from the inside that I need to get off my chest. I know it's a long post but I promise it gets interesting.

This past weekend I went to a house party. It was a singles event. This girl was wearing a hat. She was definitely a 9 if not more. I will call her HB9. She was passing by and there was intense eye contact for 2 seconds. She passed by me. there was loud music. I went to her and said "that's a cool hat" she said thank you. Then I said in her ear "can I have it?" she said "no, I like it." when I said it in her ear, it felt so intimate because my mouth was so close to her ear. Then she went away. At this point I am thinking "wow, I am such a creep, I got so close to her ear. now she thinks I am a creep..." you know, etc etc.

Then like 10 minutes later I am passing by this table and this guy sitting there says "excuse me, what's your name?" and then he asks me to sit with them. I see that HB9 is also sitting at that same table. All seats are taken, except the seat next to her happens to be empty. Hmmm....coincidence? At this point I knew whats up. I wanted to make sure I am right so I ask the guy "why did you pick me? why not that guy over there?" while pointing at a random guy. He gave me some BS answer that I don't remember.

Then I sit there and I am like "fuck...I dont know how to handle this." seeing that I am so quiet, the guy tries to get me to talk "where are you from" "how old are you" and I give one word answers. I was just nervous and I thought they were trying to make fun of me (I had a rough childhood where I got made fun of and this transferred into adulthood). I have this thing when I go in public, I try to protect myself because I feel like everyone is trying to hurt me. I am like that dog that you are trying to pet but he won't come because he thinks you're trying to hurt him. Also, the problem is there were a lot of guys at the table and I feel intimated around guys. This girl was the type that had a lot of guy friends and ex's, they all knew her.

But biggest problem here was I thought everyone was trying to make fun of me. I thought the girl and the guys were conspiring together to embarrass me. I do realize I am delusional and this is no different than those homeless people who keep talking to themselves because they think there is someone there, but I cant help it.

I had a plate of sushi with me so the guy says "you like sushi?" I said "I don't like it but it's got a lot of protein so" He says "HB9 also likes protein. she works out every day"

I ask her "how many times a week do you work out?" she say "6" I ask "doing what?" she says "boxing" I said "are you going to punch me?" she said "no, you haven't made me angry" then the guy says "Would you like HB9 to punch you?"

Then things got quiet and HB9 asks me "are you having fun?" and I said "yes, you?" "yes"

oh yeah, when I was introducing myself to the guy, I told him my name and at some point HB9 says "your name is bart?" I say "yes, how do you know?" she says "I heard you when you told the guy. I have a good memory" and I said "yeah. are you good at memorizing phone numbers?" she said "no"

Anyway, just to summarize: HB9 loved me and I made a huge mess. I actually cried about this. Not because of this one opportunity but because I have all these false beliefs about myself all my life and I cant get rid of them. This girl was treating me like a celebrity and I thought she hated me and was trying to embarrass me.

What are you going to do about this problem Bart? Posting about realizing that you have a problem is one thing and may be slightly therapeutic. Listening to how to deal with a deep rooted insecurity from random guys on a pickup forum may not be the smart way to go. So what are you going to do about it so it doesn't make you miserable for the rest of your life?

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I have no idea sir, that's why I posted here.

Before this night I thought I had a confidence issue, but it's not a confidence issue. I just feel like everyone has a hostility towards me, again, because of my childhood. I am not going to give a 100 page biography here but in summary, I was bullied and discriminated against and made to feel I am different or weird starting in the first grade, because of my religion. First grade, everyone is muslim, I am jewish. everyone including the teacher is against me. this continued to fifth grade. sixth grade, I finally wasn't the only jew in the class, there was another jew. me and this guy became friends (or so I thought) but then he ended up stabbing me in the back too and torturing me more than the muslims did. Hence whenever I have any interaction with anyone now, 1) I feel inferior 2) I feel they have a hostility towards me.

as far as your question, I have no idea but I am not going to get professional therapy because 1) it's too expensive 2) it's useless

I am willing to do some exercises to help me. Sasha daygame has this exercise, you go up to girls and say "excuse me, I just wanted to let you know uh uh uh uh uh uh uh" until they walk away. I have done this 20 times so far and it's been extremely extremely extremely effective for my approach anxiety. I am no longer afraid of losing the girl because I intentionally lost her 20 times. in fact, I think had it not been for sasha's exercises, I would have never talked to the HB9 that night. But this exercise is only for approach anxiety, it doesn't help with the hostility issue.

Approach anxiety is just a social fear because most people don't do it. It's easily overcome by just doing it. You're talking about an issue that isn't overcome by any exercises. You're talking about something that needs you to have a revelation and overcoming false beliefs that were built into you from terrible and traumatic experience.

Everyone reading this, including yourself, know that you are being irrational in your thinking. The problem is that there is a place in your brain that will continue to protect yourself from going through the same pain that you had while growing up. None of us is going to be able to change that in you. It's going to have to be you because you don't trust anyone and you don't trust therapy.

Reevaluate your approach to how to stop this from affecting your life. Don't say things won't work in order to save money. I know a few people who have gone through therapy and it helped most of them. You just need to figure out what you're going to do.

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Hey Bart,

Well all due respect I think the help you need isn't something you're going to find from asking a couple questions on a forum and getting a few responses. You've been coming around here for a while with similar rhetoric, but this is probably the most introspective I've seen you be publicly and you should go and talk to a therapist of some sort. You can mentally work yourself out of your issues but you're not striking me as someone who has the will to do so. I'd advise you to seek help from someone you can sit with and talk your issues out with weekly. If you can't afford it, take up a second job just so you can invest in the help you need. It would speed up your process. There is a lot here to build back up.

You haven't put in the time or the effort in approaching to build yourself socially, and you're just sort of doing the bare minimum while crossing your fingers and waiting for something to happen. That amongst your own personal issues. Moments like this give you hope, but they are too few of them for them to make any real difference.

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Hi Eddie,

thanks for your input. I agree that this is the most introspective post I have made. Meeting this girl made me realize the core of my problem. before meeting this girl, I thought I was unlikable. When I walked in the grocery store, I thought all the customers had a hostility against me. this was my normal world, I didn't question it, I didn't think this is abnormal until I met this girl.

I have never known any girl who liked me. Had it not been for her guy friend, I would have never known HB9 liked me. Shit, how many girls have liked me and I never found out?

I was surprised that the girl didn't approach me herself. I dont understand why a girl would feel nervous talking to me. I am inferior, worthless, a nobody, why would a girl think I am a somebody and be afraid to talk to me?

in the real world I have also been told to see a therapist. Therapists just talk. What good does that do? can't all that stuff be found online?

can someone give me a solid example of what a therapist can do? because I dont see the point.

A therapist is going to get you to talk you're way through your problems. They'll help you shed light on issues without judgement, and more importantly, help you focus on fixing the issues you have and keep you on target to resolution when regular life tries to take priority over getting better.

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Sure. I am one so pardon the bias, but I'll try to elucidate on what a 'good' therapist is and how they can help. I'll keep it brief seeing as I have to head-out shortly yet felt inclined to answer your question.

First off as any good therapist will tell you, going to therapy isn't a panacea or 'cure'. A skilled therapist can:

-Help create an awareness of entrenched behavioural patterns that may be stifling you, for example self-limiting beliefs (through a cognitive lens typically). For example, if you're having relationship difficulties that seem to recur than that may be indicative of behavioural pattens you've introjected (internalized) from family and the culture to which you were raised in.
-He/she will known when to walk alongside the client, but also when to move a bit ahead and be more on the directive side of things if warranted.
-He/she will have a knowledge and skillset (tools, techniques etc) that are beyond what you'd find amongst the people you know.
-He/she can remain objective, modelling healthy boundaries (a great thing if a person has poor boundaries of their own) and are self-reflexive adjusting to the client's needs in real-time.
-He/she is typically an "empath" meaning they can walk in another's shoes and often articulate feelings a person may be experiencing but may not be directly in-touch with (all trauma is based on unprocessed feelings, and this is typically why people attempt to numb themselves from feeling through substances and other people, as well as engage in obsessive thoughts).
-A good therapist will EMPOWER, not enable a client. What that means is he/she knows when to be supportive, but also knows how to let the client do the work thereby creating independence rather than a long-term client.
-A good therapist will provide empathy, unconditional positive regard, and be nonjudgmental toward the client which in itself can have a healing quality.

It's one thing being aware of patterns, or problems, insight is a powerful thing however it isn't enough in and of itself to promote movement forward.

I liken insight as a flint of light in an otherwise pitch black room. One can turn the light on and see the chaos around themselves (which can be a frightening experience all on its own), but figuring out how to go about unflattering the mess is a whole other matter.

A good therapist can be indispensable. A bad therapist however can be a detriment and leave clients worse off, and unfortunately there's where therapists often get a bad wrap (there are some mental health clinicians in the field for all the wrong reasons). It's like a pair of shoes, try a few find one that fits. Therapists will often come from different models, or orientations of dealing with issues so its always good when shopping for one to find one that fits well with your world view.

Bottom line what I am able to do is spot patterns of behavior, turn the dial down on what the person is saying and get to the heart of the need(s) not being met. I am a guide of sorts, but the real work has to be done by the client, and if he or she is ill-motivated, therapy won't work even if I have the best intervention in the world at my disposal; it won't matter. There is a interactionist element between the therapist and client which is also worthy of mention and within that little crucible a lot of deep work can be done helping the client become 'unstuck' and able to heal naturally through their own processes.

whoa, n2thevoid, I cant believe you wrote all that.
but i am looking for something less generic and more specific. for example "start a conversation with someone on the elevator"
if i was your patient, what would be the first step you would have me take?

Not quite clear on if you're asking me to describe the steps I go through upon meeting a prospective client, or how I would go about addressing your particular issue. I'll answer both:

For one I don't refer to clients as "patients". If you came in to see me I'd typically do a consult to determine, along with the client, if there's a fit/we could work together.

I'd want to know your presenting problem, I'd ask for any history you'd felt pertinent to your current situation, I'd also want to know if you have a medical history etc. If we decided that you'd see me I'd have you sign a confidentiality form and possibly some sort of a professional contract to keep you accountable (for your own benefit really).

I don't like getting bogged down with paper work during the initial meet, so usually just a very casual conversation because without having some sort of a rapport counselling is very limited in what it can do. If what you're seeking is outside my realm of expertise I'd inform you of your options which may include suggesting another practitioner who may be a better fit. To me relationships are more important than a selling my services because I am honest about my intentions of helping people, not strictly trying to line my pockets.

I don't really do pro bono work, save for offering perspective to some of the posters here.

"But biggest problem here was I thought everyone was trying to make fun of me. I thought the girl and the guys were conspiring together to embarrass me. I do realize I am delusional and this is no different than those homeless people who keep talking to themselves because they think there is someone there, but I cant help it. "

You might want to start with REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy) or buy a CBT workbook (self-guided) to address some of the core beliefs and how to go about changing them, would be one approach. I am not psychopathologizing you, however, I don't know you and it would be irresponsible for me to do so given such limited information.

Good job on the initial eye contact, that's what likely hooked her.

Proud of ya for posting up your concerns here, it looks like you're getting a lot of good replies here.

Peace out.

Alot of people see therapy as Taboo or attach some sort of social stigma to it for some reason. It really isn't.

Bart, you should go for it. Your problems are rooted deeper than you can fix on your own.

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OP: Based on your story, the things you say are funny. I have this vision of everything you explained happening in my head. It's humorous. You could be good at banter. You said some good banter lines to the woman. Though you need to work on your inner-game to gain confidence because you're too hard on yourself.

Don't beat yourself up. Learn and improve.

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