I've noticed that my girlfriend of four months has wandering eyes. She likes me a lot and so does her family, and she likes to see me often and involve me with activities with her friends. However, this wandering eyes situation really ticks me off and I'd like to hear how you guys think this can best be handled.

Basically, when we are out at a restaurant or bar and having a fun, light-hearted time, I've noticed multiple times that she will blatantly stare for a second or two longer than a normal/casual glance at single dudes passing by or sitting near us (the same way I do when checking out HBs--although for the record, out of respect to her, I NEVER do that in front of her to not hurt her). Therefore, the fact that I see her check out guys at my very presence seems extremely disrespectful to me IMHO.

I want to tell her directly that this bothers me, but do not want to risk sounding insecure (and believe me, that is not the issue, as in my mind I really do see those guys as being no where near my level of value--and it's not like I fear she will run off with them or cheat on me by having wandering eyes, either). It's really just the disrespect factor that frustrates me and the thought of "what will those guys even think of her for being with me and still giving them that kind of attention?" Basically, makes her look like an unfulfilled slut and myself like her accessory.

Is this characteristic of a girlfriend an issue to be concerned about in the long term? If so, any suggestions from pros on the best way to handle this?

Oh stop beating around the bush. That's exactly why you don't like it, even if it's on a subconscious level.

It's disrespectful to acknowledge other attractive people around you? Come on dude.
I show my girl hot guys whenever I see them and she shows me hot girls.

Maybe the problem is you. Attractive people are all around. Not looking is not a sign of respect.

Alternatively you can talk to her and tell her you find it disrespectful, in a calm manner. Choice is yours, although personally I find imposing such boundaries repulsing, and no matter how you try to frame, in essence, it is a sign of insecurity.

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It's always funny to me when guys say they are not insecure, but afraid to do something because they dont want to come across as insecure. A secure person doesnt care about coming across as insecure from one action. A non needy person doesnt care about coming across as needy. If they care that much how they come across...they ARE needy. Always ironic to read and a down right hypocrisy. Brad Pitt isnt afraid that people think he looks unattractive in a role because he knows he's good looking and has more evidence of being good looking. Think of it this way; if you're a great employee...you come in early, leave late, work hard...are you afraid to take a day off because your boss will think you look lazy? No. You realize that you're history and actions speak for themselves, much more than one day off.

I say all that to say...you're insecure. If you're worried they think she's an unfulfilled slut and you're her accessory, YOU believe she's an insecure slut and you're an accessory. That being said, I'd consider it disrespectful if thats not the dynamic established ie we both check people out. But you have some insecurities about this chick.

@R.C and @neo87, thanks for your responses. Perhaps I didn't paint the picture properly and made it seem like I trip up over "simple glances" at other guys, which I understand are completely inevitable, natural, and normal for her (and any human) to do. With that said, I really do have a good sense of what is a normal way of a female checking out somebody they think is attractive in a quick and curious, passive way vs. them keeping a slightly longer stare as if they are single and want to signal in a man's attention.

The scenario I deal with is more like when I'm talking to her, and as we're talking (or during pauses between conversations), she'll focus her eyes somewhere as if she got distracted for a good few seconds, and then I pause to see what took her attention, and sure enough it was a dude, with the dude staring back. In one case the dude was just passing by and was also staring her down. In another case, he was sitting down at a nearby table throughout the duration that we were there, in which case she would periodically keep looking there (again, not just once or a quick glance, but in that example, literally over 10+ times). Also, it's not like he was "in her regular field of sight" to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she wasn't actually looking at him directly--she was, because she actually had to tilt her head in a non-natural position each time to be able to take another peek. With either case, is this honestly not disrespectful behavior towards a significant other? Is the right thing for me to do to really be passive about it while she keeps doing that? I have a hunch that even Mr. Pitt might get fired up about this.

Those aren't wondering eyes. Those are fuck me eyes and she's giving them to dudes while sitting right next to you.
Not sure what talking about it would accomplish.

You know your situation best OP. The underlying problem is you are concerned about what other guys think of you and also about not coming across as insecure, and as neo said, that in and of itself is cause by insecurities in the first place. You should fix that.

The imminent problem is that I'm not sure how seriously she takes you. Are you two exclusive? Is she aware you're exclusive?

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I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Please read what I wrote. I wrote that you were insecure because you're afraid of coming across as insecure. That's insecurity. I also said it was disrespectful... Now it sounds WORSE. I honestly don't know what you should do. I thought it was checking out dudes. And even that if that wasn't the dynamic of the relationship would be disrespectful to me. Not eye fucking dudes and holding eye contact with them. If this is your gf I'd ask why the fuck

Hey babe, (snap fingers) I'm over here.

I'd say something like that firmly but not overly seriously. Perhaps with a bemused smirk on my face.

But serious eyes. And look her in the eye while saying it.

It could be quite possible that she doesn't necessarily realise that she's staring overly long, it could be a behaviour that she picked up and has reinforced. Your job is to break that behaviour by demonstrating it's not okay WITHOUT going overboard.

If you have to do that more than once or twice, then I think you may have bigger problems.

Pardon the late reply.

@R.C: yes, we are exclusive and she knows it (as a matter of fact, she was the one who had initially told me she wanted exclusivity and wanted to ensure I was in her same boat).

@ChocolatePUA: I was thinking the same thing as you, that maybe because she's been single for a long time, she's gotten used to that kind of behavior. I like your suggestion regarding what to tell her and have come up with a couple possible techniques of casually telling her without going overboard or stirring up any drama. How do these sound?

a) Indirect Approach:
Her: [stares at some random dude while I'm there]
Me: Oh, did you see an old friend?
Her: No, why?
Me: Really? Hmm, then that was weird, cause you were staring like you saw somebody you know. Don't you think it's kinda creepy staring like that at strangers? [playful and mocking tone, followed by a swift change in topic]

b) Direct Approach:
Her: [stares at some random dude while I'm there]
Me: Uhmm, hi! Remember me? Your boyfriend? [playful and mocking tone]
Her: Huh? What do you mean?
Me: I'm RIGHT FREAKIN HERE sitting down with you! Don't you think it makes you look silly that there's a man next to you AND you're still checking out other people? [making it more about her rather than me, followed by a swift change in topic]

Furthermore, I've noticed that aside from the staring, she also smiles a lot and engages quickly in mildly flirtatious small talk with random guys we pass by (such as with our waiter or with somebody we encounter in the elevator). Do you guys think that is a similar disrespect problem, or is that something to not worry about and not even bring up?

I think you should stop trying to figure out tactics to game your girlfriend and have a normal conversation with her, like two functional human beings.

Ask her what's up with her eyes wondering all over the place.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

You know what @R.C, you're right. Especially if she could be my potential wife in the future, it's crucial for us to have an open and honest, direct communication path set up for all future concerns as well, instead of me being overly focused about gaming her with indirect tactics. Thanks for helping clear up the fog in my brain, dude. I tend to over-complicate things, with this matter being no counter-example.

Can't say I've actually had this explicit problem. Other than other girlfriends being open with me other guys they find attractive. Which I'm more than okay and not the jealous type.

But I would think it's fine to address this but just don't do it in a butthurt way. I mean if she is okay with you doing it as well then that maybe fair play. But I'm guessing she might not be appreciative of that.

It is a bit of red flag for a long term relationship. Unless you are going to pursue an open relationship. It might indicate you are not bringing enough value to the table for her to not have her eye wander.

Next time you see her do it, say he's hot, I'd do him, maybe we should have a threesome. But you gotta say it like you mean it.

"Basically, when we are out at a restaurant or bar and having a fun, light-hearted time, I've noticed multiple times that she will blatantly stare for a second or two longer than a normal/casual glance at single dudes passing by or sitting near us (the same way I do when checking out HBs--although for the record, out of respect to her, I NEVER do that in front of her to not hurt her). Therefore, the fact that I see her check out guys at my very presence seems extremely disrespectful to me IMHO."


Let's deconstruct this.

You have a belief which stipulates that "a partner looking too long at anyone you deem attractive of the opposite sex is inappropriate" Not really sure what you define as "too long".

What's beneath this? A fear that u'll loose her.

Is this her issue? Unless she has a history of cheating than I'd say no, and the onus is on you to work on yourself without necessarily involving her. If she's been unfaithful in the past then there may be some credence behind your concerns.

By holding onto the belief that your partner ought not to stare at anyone any longer than an arbitrary amount of time that only you and you only know you're projecting your insecurities onto her. Put another way, just because its inappropriate behavior to you doesn't mean its inappropriate for others - but instead you're silently holding her to this unspoken standard, and likely begrudging her as a result.

You've effectively labelled her as doing something TO YOU, and I'm not sure she deserves that.

To check out men as they walk by in your presence is disrespectful. I am not the OP, but I sure as hell wouldn't be doing that to a girlfriend. If it happens all the time like he stated in his OP, it's a problem from my view, no matter how secure he is.

"Disrespectful" isn't a feeling, rather its an interpretation of what someone is doing TO you.

On that note some guys will find it "disrespectful" whereas others will shrug it off and laugh and not care at all.


To give you another example of the difference between an interpretation of what someone is doing to you versus a feeling I'll use the often used word "abandonment". One often confuses being "abandoned" as a feeling when it, much like "disrespect" what you believe someone is doing to you. The feelings themselves may be sadness, isolation etc. Again, be mindful of the words you're using and how you interpret them with other people's behavior - you may be projecting, and beyond that grossly mis-intreprtating the behaviour and react as a result.