I've been with the "love of my life" for the past 10 years and recently found out she has cheated. It would be extremely unrealistic and dishonest on my part to say that i don't have any guilt in her looking for male attention outside of the relationship becaue for the past 2-3 years i've had personal issues which basically "made me" focus on myself and neglect the woman i've been with for so long. She has tried to talk to me and express herself but i was too busy feeling sorry about myself to notice i guess.

I hope this doesn't sound as me trying to find excuses for her cheating because there are none but at the same time i am aware that i didn't fulfill my duties as a man in our relationship. I've confronted her and she basically said she was feeling lonely and gave that as a reason for her cheating. I've tried to handle this like a man, i.e. not going ballistic on her and make a fool out of myself, which i've succeeded with quite well i think. I've expressed to her how hurt i feel by her cheating and yes, i did let her see me cry which might have been a mistake.

I've also told her that i still do love her and i see a future for us together. She is a bit more hesitant and wonders if we would be wasting each others time by continuing with our relationship because she doesn't believe that i will be able to trust her again and be the man she once fell inlove with.

We are currently in a suspended (tense) state where we are together but at the same time arent. At this point i have no idea how to handle the situation. I'd love to be able to just pack my things and go but i do love her and i believe that she does feel the same with some reservations based on the story above.

How do you guys thing i should proceed? What would you do if you were in my shoes and how would you handle situation?

All advice is appreciated. Thanks!
MFJones

P.S. You can read more about me here
introduce-yourself/n00b-all-over-again-vt193441.html

The thing I'm not reading in here is that she apologized. I didn't read that she would never do it again. I didn't read that she regrets doing it. Not saying any of that happened, but don't you think that would play into the advice that you'd get? Instead I did read that she gave a justification. She gave you a reason to get out of the relationship based on you not being able to trust her anymore and you're not the man she fell in love with.

I'm not reading any of her feeling guilt. I am reading that she blames all of this on you. You even write as if this is caused by you. She chose to be with you when you were going through your hard times. She chose to stay with you even if you weren't the way you used to be. She chose to cheat.

If it were me and I were thinking on pure logic, I'd walk away. I know after 10 years, you're not operating fully on logic. Just ask yourself if she doesn't value who you are the way you are now, what's to stop her from cheating again?

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A pickup forum may not be the place to ask a question like this - you've been with her so long... You're probably going to get a lot of comments to just dump her and find a lot of other women to kill the pain... However I'm guessing those comments aren't what you're after here...

Tough break man.

I agree with JackZero. Is she actually remorseful about this? It sounds like she's given up...

The other thing is: Will you ACTUALLY be able to trust her again? I know I probably wouldn't be able to if it were me. You have some thinking to do. If the answer is that no, you won't be able to trust her again, then you know what you have to do.

When a guy cheats, her friends will call you a cheating bastard.

When a girl cheats, her friends will say she was unhappy and it's his fault.

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sorry to hear this bro, I know it feels shitty when the girl you love and trust cheats on you. It does sound like you'er blaming yourself though but it is not even slightly your fault, there is no valid reason for cheating on the person that you love and fuck her for making you feel like there is. I get that people make mistakes but that's not a mistake it's just a lack of caring, it's selfish and just an all round horrible thing to do to somebody. The fact is you probably will never be able to trust her again, you will more than likely resent her for how she is making you feel no, which will leave you cold and distant towards her and she'll no doubt end up cheating again. Very few relationships end happily after something like this has happened and it usually much easier for both people to just walk away.

Maybe just remain friends, it will take all pressure off of the both of you and allow you to get to know each other again. Then maybe you could start working on your relationship again. Even remaining friends will be very hard to do though.

Don't ask her too many questions about what happened though because it will no doubt leave you feeling much worse, obviously you will want some basic details but I'd keep them basic if I were you.

This is just how I see it though, maybe it will work entirely different for you. Being cheated on by somebody you really do love is entirely different from somebody you don't really love and I think that the easiest way to deal with it (not necessarily the best way) is just to walk away.

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If I post on your thread I am adding my opinion that I have formulated either from experience or others experiences. It is just that though, an opinion and not a fact.

Slay your dragons and let others tell your tales

It would be hard to calm down in your current situation. But that's what you need: a calm mind.

Do some sprints (not jogging;SPRINTS) at the park or beach for 20 minutes or so. After each workout, rest and watch some calming scenery like the birds playing around or the waves going back and forth. But before you sprint, check with your doctor first that you're fit enough to do so.

One thing at a time. Calm your mind first OP.

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Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

I'm not a marriage guy, and this isn't related to the cheating...but how do people do bf/gf for 10 years?! Sounds like an easier recipe for things to go stale than even a marriage. Just seems weird to me I dunno

Yeah Jack nailed it. Not remorseful. She's probably fucking the other guy now during this time together/apart. Some people can come back after cheating, but not in this case with an unremorseful given up cheater, and the fact that she was cheating for 6 months...Much different from she hooked up with someone and came back crying to you. Prob best to move on.

As a side note, Im confused on something. Some times I see people here say if a girl cheats with you, as in cheats on her bf with you, doesn't mean she will cheat on you. But by this logic, doesnt that mean that if a girl cheats ON you, doesn't mean she will cheat again? I mean if the assumption is she cheats with you because you're a better guy than her bf hence it wont happen to you, then you can become a better guy and take back a girl who cheats on you. I don't agree with that, but just pointing out the flaw in logic when you say dont take back a cheater, but you can date a cheater. Maybe someone who believes that can explain the difference

Your comments are of insane value guys, really.

Jack, you are right, she didnt verbalize an apology even though she said she regrets doing it. When i asked if she regrets cheating or getting caught she started crying saying she regrets cheating. In all fairness she is not an apologizer, she shows shes sorry when she is thats kinda how its been for the past 10 years so its no surprise.

Now, here is an update:

I came home last night at about 6pm to find that nobody was home. A half an hour later i hear her from the top floor saying "Jones, its time." Since i thought the house was empty i was pretty baffled but i went upstairs and entered the bedroom only to find her having basically redecorated the room to look like a sex shack. The room was smelling good, there were candles, she was all made up, dressed in sexy lingerie, there were new sheets and linnen on the bed and all that stuff looking at me with those "feed me" puppy eyes she has.

When i saw this, for a brief second i was ready to walk off but didn't. Instead i basically hatefucked her in every hole my dick could fit in. After we both came she said "that was 2 good" rolled over and started crying. I didnt say a thing, just let her go through it on her own.

Later, she started talking about how her little adventure happened because she was feeling awfully lonely and that things weren't "half as bad as i thought." Upon asking her what she meant by that she said she didn't want to ruin the evening with this topic so i told her we would continue the day after.

Even though im kinda relieved about this happening, at the same time im kinda regretting it as well since i might have validated her somehow.

About the not yet married thing
For the both of us marriage is a piece of paper you sign and to not have kids yet was a mutually agreed upon thing. We have shared ownership of our home so its pretty damn close anyway.

Lol wtf

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The source of many confusion about ideas in general is the understanding that ideas work 100% in absolute terms. They don't.

Say, if the OP is married to his girl in a country where cheating is illegal, punishable by law with a prison sentence, it doesn't really follow that if OP sends her girl to prison, his girl would realize her mistake and change for the better once she is assimilated back into society.

In general terms, some criminals who got out of jail for parole due to good behavior will likely be repeat offenders while some would stay clean for long periods of time. This is the punishment side of learned behavior. Again, it isn't a 100% sure thing. Some would reform. Some wouldn't.

In the OP's case, it isn't as simple as that.

The girl got tired of the OP and tried out someone new who turned out to be better than the OP. The question is, how can the OP know, if he is to improve himself to get better so he can get back his girl, that the bar of getting better is reachable? To put that simply, which traits and qualities should he improve on so he does better in those areas compared with the competition?

That's a tall order. He can't just interview the guy or interview his girl to get an honest assessment on where he should improve on. This may take several years. In the meantime, the OP could have had moved on with his life and found other girls.

On the other hand, if another girl cheats with the OP considering the fact that she has an existing boyfriend, and realized that the OP is waaay much better than her boyfriend in so many aspects that she find attractive, then she is more likely to remain loyal unless she gets dissatisfied with the OP for say, the OP being too available, texting her everyday, acting more effeminate than a woman, and so on.

In the first instance, the girl knows that OP is worth losing due to dissatisfaction. In the second instance, the girl knows what she would lose if she gets caught cheating.

Moreover, in the first instance, the OP does not know the baseline in which to improve himself so he can exceed the bar of excellence from the competition and hence, get back his girl.

Knowing this, the OP should take an extreme effort to get really good at the bed department. 80% of women with male partners never had one vaginal orgasm via the penis in their entire life. So, if the OP learns to give a woman at least two vaginal orgasms through his penis, then he becomes a rare find. He not only sets himself apart from the 20% of men who can give women at least one vaginal orgasm through their penis but he sets himself at the top 1% who can give women more than one vaginal orgasm using his penis.

This makes it easier to tip the scales in OP's favor by improving his health, his source of income, his fashion sense and so on. But he can only learn to be good at the bed department by interacting with many other women.

It's a matter of betting your time and effort at the approach that will give you the best odds in your favor. In short, it is easier to turn a cheating woman who cheats with you into a loyal lifetime partner than it is to get back a cheating woman by improving yourself. The fear of loss pays greater dividends than getting back someone whom a girl decided to lose.

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Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

Sounds like you're not looking at the big picture. She fucked someone else and now she fucked you. Do you think sex to her means monogamy or that she's now a better girlfriend? She only fucked you. It means no more than that.

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So jack are you saying women don't just fuck men who are husband material, but sometimes they fuck because they are horny and don't neccassarily have to to respect or even like the guy....?????!!??!???

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Here's why I disagree with that and the logic is flawed. You say, if a girl cheats on you, you dont know what qualities to improve. And if a girl cheats with you, you have an idea what to do. But that's wrong. If a girl cheats on you, you at least have an idea of what to improve. You were the one texting her too much and she pulled away, you were the one not working out. It's a situation YOU are involved in. However, if a girl cheats on you, you know much less. You don't know the nature of her relationship. You're basically saying that you would have a better idea of someone else's relationship which you hear from her, than your own. In most cases you would have much more knowledge of what led to her cheating on you, than you would know about a relationship she is telling you about.

For example, in OP's case, he has an idea of where things went wrong. If he was sleeping with a chick who was cheating on her bf, he can only assess where her current relationship is going wrong from what she tells him.

When you seriously date a cheater, you're going into it being unattractive. I dont know why guys fool themselves that a girl will have some fear of cheating on them. You're choosing to trust a girl who has shown she's untrustworthy. You're taking leap of faith. You're taking a bigger risk. She knows she has you because you're accepting less. You can't convey that you have standards when you're saying she is worth a risk. It's like if I were to hire a guy with a criminal record for a job, I can't like he's easily replaceable because if he were I won't be taking a risk on an ex con. Taking a cheater sets you up worse than the guy she cheated on, because he accepted her, not knowing she was capable of cheating. You're accepting her knowing she is and choosing to take the risk the other guy didnt know about. You can text her less than him, you can be less needy, but the underlying message is, she's not replaceable and worth the risk.

If you believe that a girl cheating on her bf doesn't mean she will cheat on you, then a girl cheating on you shouldnt be a big deal. It would be like if you owned a company and would be open to hiring people who had stolen from their last company. But you won't hire someone who had stolen from your company in the past. Both are the same. Her ex bf she cheated on felt the same security you feel.

To me, it's crazy to accept either tbh, the girl who cheats on you or the girl who cheats with you. In both cases, you're showing that you she is your best option, which makes it easier for her to cheat again.

Ok, i need to elaborate.

I never saw her actually fucking someone else with my own eyes. I saw their msgs and i saw her meet him and hug/kiss/cuddle. Of course this led me to assume that they were fucking as well and, needless to say, the probability of that is extremely high but i never witnessed it. My gut feeling for the past six months told me something was wrong and while she was denying it i set out to investigate myself and "caught her". During this time our sex life had gone from being freaky as fuck to basically "forced" anal sex every now and then.

After our sex adventure last night she said two things that made me think.

1. That stuff wasn't "half as bad as i thought"
2. As she was coming by after her orgasm she was like "shit if we had done this more lately my pussy wouldnt be this sore right now.

Now, for obvious reasons i cant see this as black-and-white as an outsider can. I'm in deep with this woman and perhaps its just me trying to convince myself that she hasn't taken another dick but mine but could it be that this chap she was seeing was an emotional replacement (where i was obviously lacking lately) and that she never actually fucked him?

Call me supid/naive/whatever but fuck it, i dont know.

EDIT:
Im hearing what you're saying Jack and you are right assuming that my suspicions are true but man...

Damn! You're right. I think we've stumbled onto something new.

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