Thanks man, just trying to keep it real

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Jot this down for state control: call your mom.

I did just that last night, feeling shitty from AE girl thoughts. Told her all about it, cried, then felt a lot better. Immediately shot out the door for a 5 mile night run.

The run felt great, actually. I felt in the zone, felt the flow, and felt very meditative. Brought me out of my head and into the moment, and that's where happiness and carefreeness lies.

Returned from the run feeling like a million bucks, AE girl completely free from my mind. Man! I need to do night runs more! The plan from now on: call my mom more. Do night runs more.

I go to sleep, wake up feeling great, but lying in bed I start thinking about AE girl more and more, and ended up not in a great state. It's okay, I'm constantly working on it.

Since the Sunday talk, I've shot her a text message and 2 medium-length Facebook messages. I can assume that she's seen the text, but the read receipt tells me she hasn't looked at the Facebook messages. No responses.

She's probably intentionally avoiding them because she's emotionally overwhelmed and confused, and trying to figure out what she wants. She doesn't want more emotional stimulation, and although she sees me trying she's not sure she can believe me.

The plan for today and the next two days is to pull back, give her her space, and then kill it at tango.

Gonna make sure to look good, have fun, self amuse, and then to talk to her afterwards. And kiss the fuck out of her.

Making sure to do some more running these couple days to get that flow going and to keep my mind clear and focused.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

In the words of Marshall Mathers, fuck the free world.

After some sweaty switchbacks up and down the reservoir ridge trail with running club, I head to CB Potts. I had a plan. I knew EF girl went there, and that her and AE girl interact on the reg. I'd tell EF girl honestly how I felt and shit, and she'd tell AE girl without me even asking or prompting in any way shape or form.

I get there, and starting bullshitting with EF girl. After some fluff I ask her how AE girl is doing. EF girl tells me that she's taking Catalan lessons with her, and that the last time she saw her she told her that she wasn't doing well, and that she had seen a missed call from me. EF girl asked AE girl why she didn't call me back, because AE girl had told her that she was curious what I wanted to say, and AE girl had told her that she didn't want to.

I tell EF girl the rest of the AE girl story, and she's surprised that I had sent a message the day after, called, and sent another message two weeks after, and AE girl had not responded until two weeks later. EF girl says that AE girl is a very prideful girl.

I tell her the rest of what happened on Sunday, which she hasn't heard about (apparently AE girl isn't much of a talker with her friends), and that she had invited me to tango on Thursday. EF girl thinks I should just be patient.

I head home and my sister calls. We chat, she tells me about her life for like half an hour. It feels really good, my sister and I are very close, very similar, and we make each other laugh a lot. I start telling her the entire AE girl story, and her conclusion at the end is that she thinks AE girl just wants me to grovel like hell. I'm not above it. I've already thrown away most of my dignity. I think AE girl is bluffing, and would probably come if I backed off for awhile, but I don't think I'm willing to take the chance. My actions might say neediness all written down but in person it's all subcommunicated from a place of strength and conviction.

My sis also tells me that this is sort of a day dream that girls have, boys groveling at their feet. Of course it is. When her bf upsets her, she makes him grovel and then she makes him say shit like, "I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, aren't I?" Lol. Also shit like, "I'm way out of your league, aren't I?" Lolz. Then she's like, "You better cuddle and spoon me."

Such an emasculating frame.

I've already apologized a bunch, so that's done and over with. The plan from now on is to just reinitiate attraction and good feelings. Enough heavy relationship shit. Need to switch gears and basically just joke around, flirt, and have fun.

The plan:

Going to give her a call tonight around 8. She's not responding to Snapchats and Facebook messages, and apparently that call that she didn't pick up is because she missed it. The phone might still be an open avenue of communication.

If she picks up, I've been mentally rehearsing the sort of conversation I want to have:

Some customary exchanges and how are you's? I'll ask if she's doing alright, she'll ask me, and I'll agree that it's tough.

I'll tell her that I'll go through cycles of doing well and being able to not think about it, and then when I do think about it and get in a bad mood, I'll call family or friends, talk about it, and feel a lot better after.

I'll tell her that I talked with my sister and you wanna know what she told me? She thinks that you just want to see me grovel. (the transition into more fun conversation)

I'll tell her about my sister making her boyfriend grovel and say shit like,
"I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, aren't I?"
"I'm way out of your league, aren't I?"
Lolz, I'll think this is hilarious, and start having fun, and then she'll feel it through state transference.

She'll probably say how groveling would be nice. I'll tell her I've already thrown pretty much all my dignity in the trash can (giggle giggle giggle) and that I can only grovel a tiny bit more.

I'll ask about tango, how many times she's went. I'll ask her if they've taught the poultry step (inside joke) yet. I'll tell her I'm going to go and show them what an Asian man trying to dance the tango looks like.

Then I'll end it on, I'm excited to see you at tango, see you then.

I'm writing this shit down so I can just mentally rehearse it throughout the day, so that when it comes time to make the phone call I've got the structure down in my mind and can just execute while being present.

If she doesn't pick up at 8ish, I'll text and say that I just called to chat and see how she's doing, and that I'll try calling again around 10:15-10:30 when my softball game's over.

Good plan!

I'm also writing this down so I can concentrate on positive things and good signs, and stay motivated.

Signs that it'll work out:

1. She invited me to tango
2. She told me she wants to kill me and to kiss me
3. She says she can't stop thinking about me, whether in a negative light or positive light
4. She receives all physicality passively (limps into it), and has to fight the urge to return it
5. She has to fight the urge to give in (this doesn't mean yes!)
6. She's still very emotionally affected by me, which means she's not anywhere near being over me
7. Logically, she's angry she didn't see the messages earlier
8. She reacted with surprised realization when I told her that if she finds another dude, she'll have to go through all that sex BS with him all over again, and that I already know this part of her
9. I've told her that if we split for good, we'll just both be miserable for a long time, she didn't disagree (passive agree-ance)
10. I told her that I wanted to giver her what she wants, and she passively accepted that. So basically she accepted the frame that a relationship with me is what she wants.
11. I've got a plan to basically re-inject good emotions back into the interaction.
12. I'm a crafty motherfucker and I don't give up.
13. I'm pretty sure I've got a hold on her if she's this emotionally affected by me, it's just that she's got some damn good self control.
14. What we had was very special, to both her and me, and I know that she's not going to find someone she's attracted to as and connects with as much as me. Plus having to build all that back up would suck dick.

Signs that it might be challenging

1. She tried to cut it off on Sunday, a show of stupendous self-control. I still think it was a bluff, and that it was a test to see if I'd come running. When I ran, she did cave a little, which reinforces my belief that it was a test. If I had just agreed and let her know I was sorry and that I had tried, and then gone radio silent, I think she would've eventually re-initiated contact.
2. Some of her friends (AN girl defriended me, and one of her friends that she talked to earlier probably doesn't like me) are probably not on my side. But friends that are girls always respect that girl's decision if they can see that she really likes the guy, which AE girl does. And AE girl talking to them about me negatively is still just AE girl talking about me and thinking about me. Means I still hold value to her. If I had no value and she was really done, she would just cut off all thinking, all contact, all talking.
3. She's not contacting me back when I send her messages. Probably just wants me to grovel more. We'll see how the phone call plan goes.

Ok good. I can reread this post a couple times today just to get into that positive mindset and rehearse that shit.

The last day and half has been pretty good, actually. I've come to accept the situation as it is, and that I can do whatever I can do, and if it doesn't work out, it's fine. The relationship wasn't even that good anyways, and her character flaws are still there. I do believe that I can jedi mind trick her into slowly becoming a better version of herself, but that's not a good reason for getting back with someone. I've to completely accept that even if we do get back together, it'll be that sub-par, hang out once in awhile while she's tired bullshit. The mindset is good for my confidence, carefreeness, and self-amusement.

Plus, if she can't even forgive me after all this apologizing and groveling and shit, while I had done so little that's wrong (one mistake), how the fuck is she supposed to have any sort of relationship with anyone in the future? And do I even want to be with someone who can't forgive someone after all that for one stupid little thing?

I feel healthier, not so out of control. Is it just because I've picked up all these signs that I'll probably be successful in reeling her back in and that I still affect her so? Maybe. Probably. Who knows.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Ok, nvm I'm scrapping the phone plan. Just gonna show up at tango and have fun there.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Called, no pick up.
Texted this:

Hey, I just called to check in and see how you were doing. I get the feeling you're still angry at me... If you feel like you can't find it in yourself to forgive me and don't want me to come to tango, I don't have to go. I'm sorry, Amanda. Hope you have a good night

No reply.

Just gonna go to tango and have fun. Girl is confooooooosed. I'm slowly getting my self amusement back. Still fucked up in the head and thinking about her a decent amount, but it's getting better. Epic Thursday coming up, we shall see how it goes.

My plan is to just go to tango, interact with everyone including AE girl, have fun, enjoy myself and self amuse, and then AE girl will be attracted again. If it goes well I'll just talk to her afterwards, but I'm not gonna push any more. Exhausted from all the pursuing and emotional distress, and care less now. If we were to get back together, it would just go back to the same old bullshit as before: her having no time and being tired all the time.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

I'm slowly descending into madness. Madness? This is Sparta.

My busy ass Thursday was spotted with moments of hyperventilation and anxiety attacks. As the time slowly neared, they increased with severity.

What a girl can do to a man truly is unreal. It's a kryptonite javelin.

My day of teaching finishes around 5, and I walk outside to my bike. AE girl cruises in to park her bike, sees me, and immediately turns and bikes on.

I text her, "smooth".

The ensuing text conversation happens:

Her:
Yeah, I can't see you. I don't want to... Just give me time.

Me:
No tango?
*after awhile*
I don't know what to do, Amanda. I was looking forward to tango and would be crushed if you didn't want me to go, but I would understand. I can't figure out if you want me to go or not. Can you explain?

Her:
Do whatever you want to do. I will be there whether or not you are.

Me:
Okay

At this point, I knew that she was meeting up with EF girl. Apparently EF girl pulled through and mentioned how FUCKED up I was, because I get this text an hour later:

Her:
Go ahead and come. idk if I can talk afterwards due to my ride.

I eat and head over. Sit in the car trying to calm myself the fuck down. Finally I walk in and sit down. Awkward hi to her. She goes back to chatting with an old lady. Damn she's awkward. I chat with a dude. I do a decent job throughout the hour. She ignores me the whole time, we make eye contact and smile maybe twice. She flirts and dances with some chump in front of me.

The other girls I dance with are laughing at my self amusing shit. It's lower energy, but it's still hilarious.

When it ends I sit down and get my stuff. Chat with said chump. He mentions a price for lessons for the semester. Asks me if I'm going to continue. I tell him I'm not sure. AE girl chimes in, telling me it's cheaper since I'm a student. I say I'll think about it.

I get up and leave AE girl to her flock of chumps. I sit in my car watching her in the distance as she comes out, looks around to see if I left, then waits 5-10 min before getting on her bike and leaving. I just sit in the car with my head in my hands and leave after she leaves.

Get home, flop on my bed, decided this was some old bullshit. FUCK this shit.

I go on a run. Get back and get this FB message:

Her:
Here's the thing, Ning, I am really conflicted right now and I don't know what to do. My ignoring you today, though my way of coping and giving myself time and space, was flat out rude. So, I'm sorry. I know it's not easy for either of us. The truth is that I have been dreading tonight... it was going to foce me to face you. I somehow successfully weaseled out of it. I can't keep dragging this ridiculous drama out, but that means I have to make a decision. And I don't know what to do.

Me:
Okay.
I just got back from a run. I'm not quite sure how to respond to this.

Her:
Yeah, I don't know either.

Me:
*confused emoticon*
That's me right now
Do you want to talk about it?

*pause*

I take that as a maybe. I'm gonna shower, you think about it, afterwards we can either talk on the phone or type more I guess

Her:
Ok...
Actually, no. Tonight is probably not good. I took a benadryl and I am getting super drowsy.
Not a good time to talk if I'm not coherent.

Me:
Ok
So now our options are either type or wait.

*pause*

And I guess wait it is

Her: *awhile later*
Yeah. Sorry. I literallyn cant keep awaker very long right now

*end of interaction*

My lack of interest right now. Been putting in all the effort, to get ignored and shit. As soon as she senses how much of an immature donkey cunt she's been, she starts apologizing and re-initiating contact. Makes sense.

On the surface level sure I guess I'd be okay with it working out. Have no fucking clue. If it doesn't, it'll suck, but it won't be any worse than what I've already gone through. And it wasn't like a fucking relationship with her was 10/10 roses ponies and rainbows for all the sick leukemia bald cancer children of the world. Ghandhi didn't raise out of his grave and cure the world of war and the KKK.

Here are the signs she wants this to work:

1. Re-initiation of communication
2. Apologizing (lots)
3. The two eye contact smiles
4. Her being "really conflicted"- means the emotions are strong, means the attraction is strong. Her saying she doesn't know what to do.
5. Verbalizing her wanting me to come to tango
6. Not talking now because she wants to be in a better, non-drowsy state to talk

Signs pointing the other way:

1. Can't think of any

She's chasing now. If we have a talk I'll probably-

1. validate her emotions
2. voice my own emotions of hurt
3. tell her the door is open if she wants to take it, but if we were to start again I would want to go slow because I'm hurting (truth)

I'm emotionally tender right now, like a slab of beef from the supermarket aisle.

My life has become a soap opera.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Drama.

AE girl and I meet up at noon, my heart is pounding out of my chest. We meet up and I am visibly hyperventilating. It takes me probably about 10 minutes to calm the fuck down.

We sit down in a shady spot. She tells me she's sticking with her decision on Sunday, giving a bunch of reasons, mainly that she won't be able to forget that conversation we had about open relationships and shit.

Upset, I ramble on a bit about shit. She's trying to maintain her spine but keeps going back to "I don't know what to do". That, and she's staying to listen.

I'm explaining and reasoning for awhile, she's not changing her mind but she doesn't leave, even through long silences.

We crack a few jokes, and I see that gorgeous smile grace her face a couple seconds at a time. After a loooooooong time of this, she suggests we move to a shadier spot. We do.

We talk more, with her mentioning things she was upset about. I find out that the main emotion driving her is bitterness and anger, combined with sadness. That helps a lot. Why didn't I realize that anger had to be the main emotion. I think I did, I just didn't apply that information.

I start relaying stories about how I've been angry in some relationship situations as well. I validate all her emotions. Bring up my own frustrations. She doesn't want to see me suffer. She apologizes for the tango night.

We delve deeper and deeper into emotions. We turn to face each other, sitting a couple feet away. She throws a couple sticks playfully at me a couple times. We crack a couple more jokes, and we laugh before going back to sad faces. Then she goes back to describing how angry she was, how she told all her friends she hated me, and how she had an anti-boyfriend sleepover with her friend where they ate a lot of junk food.

I tell her about crying on the phone and in person with my friends, and how frustrated I was she was ignoring me.

She mentions how it helps that I can cry about it, that makes her feel better. I make a joke about being masculine and crying, she laughs and banters back.

I start telling her things I miss, crack up and cry a little bit. She says she misses those things as well. We are getting somewhere.

I start telling stories about how much I appreciated her, and her small gestures. About how happy they made me (all true), and how much I liked her. Her eyes moisten and she drops a couple tears. I get to a story and cry again. It's a disgusting scene, and people are staring as they walk past, despite our semi-secluded location.

She mentions how if she forgives me, it's a true test for her character because she's been known to keep grudges for years. She mentions how what's keeping her back is a combination of bitterness and pride. I make more jokes, and we start laughing and smiling and making contact and bantering back and forth.

I tell more stories about happy moments in our relationship that made me really happy, and it seems to be doing the most damage. She describes a story about how she ignored a best friend for 3 years, she starts crying. I move beside her and hug her, she hugs me back. I tell her I'm sorry. We hug a bit, and cry it out. I whisper, "I'm sorry", and she utters the magic words: "It's okay."

Eventually she needs to go for work. We stand up and walk, and agree that that was cathartic.

At the junction, before I turn off, I hold out my hand for a hug. She says, "oh no," like she knows it'll make her cry, but she takes it and moves in anyway. We hug and I kiss her head. I tell her maybe I'll talk to her about something sometime. She smiles and waves as we walk away from each other.

The whole ordeal took 3.5 hours.

Plan now is to just wait for her to feel comfortable, and start hanging out again, mostly just studying stuff before doing something date-y.

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My Pick-Up Journal

Hey Unfazed, I'm normally the last guy to do this, and I hated the people who said this to me but I now realized that I needed it more than anything at the time.

MAN THE FUCK UP! Jesus fucking Christ bro, you're user name is Unfazed. Let's take a look at what the Webster dictionary has to say about that word:

Unfazed:
/ˌənˈfāzd/
adjective
adjective: unfazed

not disconcerted or perturbed.

You've been whining about this girl forever. Start gaming other girls. That's the best way to get over oneitisitis. Look at my journal, look at how much time I've lost by pussyfooting around. Just Buck up and get out there. You're Unfazed, you don't give a fuck about other girls.

Wishing you the best,
Vandal

_________________
Previously Rugby7

My PUA Journey (2014): http://bit.ly/1yYjtSV
MY PUA Journey (2015): the-342-journal-vol-2-rugby7-vt187356.html
My Workout (Read this): http://bit.ly/1zIQncY

Record: 131
Record: 124

Thanks man, I appreciate it. However, I respectfully decline your advice.

For all you bros:

Come back and talk to me when you've experienced love. Or talk to me if you've had a relationship past 4 years.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

After the epic talk, I go to a meeting and then the basketball courts. Shoot and dribble for an hour just to destress and meditate for a bit.

The meeting was actually at Coldstone. I sent AE girl a pic of my ice cream and a message:

Me:
*pic*
Joining you on the junk food train. Just today

Her:
I have a lifetime pass if you're interested

Me:
Just today. Gotta get dat bikini bod

After bball, I head downtown with JK bro. He's high as a kite on Aderall. I tell him the whole AE girl debacle, and then tell him the whole HS girl story while we eat pizza. There was a 90's night at the downtown artery, and we hit that up. Meet a bunch of people there, including DY bro, IJ bro, and JO bro. Bullshit around a bunch. Head to Trailhead, bullshit some more. I head home early.

Things I picked up from the night: Getting better and losing myself in social interaction. Concentration on vocal tonality, HOW I'm saying things, and gesturing while I speak seems to make my brain engage in the process instead of floating off into the cosmos. There'll still be points where AE girl pops in, but I do my best to immediately correct myself and get back into the flow of socializing. This will be a continuing process for awhile.

It's not like I don't like thinking about AE girl, but it's just not productive or healthy throughout the day. I'd rather be thinking about shit that pumps my state. I do still want to get back with her, but either way if I do or if I don't, isn't relevant to me working on myself and getting my state back up to where it was before I met her.

So being able to focus and disengage from thoughts of her is a skill I'm going to need to master for the future.

As I was out walking about with the bros, I made a decision. These 3 weeks have been a total shit-show. Felt like I was going insane. I'm not just about to wander around in this filth forever. Even when AE girl shows good signs and I get positive emotions back, those are external and not self-derived.

I wrote down a bunch of notes on rebooting myself:

Morning meditation
-power rush routine
-mental movie of me achieving the day's goals
-mental rehearsal of me achieving the day's goals, and feeling great while doing that

Evenings before falling asleep
-review things I did well that day
-review things I'm grateful for
-review things I learned
-review goals for next day

State Control
-being present to the moment
-focusing on body language, walking, feeling your body, meditation type shit
-when talking focus on tonality and gesturing to be present and engaged
-focus on goals
-sing music, is a meditative thing

Business
-write an hour's worth each day
-read every single day

Exercise
-eat well
-do some form of it every single day

Gonna stick to this shit and get it back up and running.

End of the night I sent AE girl this:
Back from the bars with some friends, hitting the hay. Hope work and the rest of your night was groovy. Buenas noches!

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Excuse the absence, it's been a crazy month for me, been bouncing all around.

Anyway, here are some random thoughts, no particular order:

I think maybe you've worked yourself into a little bit of a scarcity mindset in regards to deeper relationships. I'm not faulting you on this, I actually empathize completely. I was/am there.

For me, it went something like this:

--Build self. Become awesome in all sorts of ways.
--Bang tons of chicks. It's awesome.
--Realize I have unlimited sexual abundance, but little "deep" abundance
--When I find someone I really connect with, get far too invested in that relationship due to scarcity mindset about what love really is/how hard it is to find a girl that meets criteria beyond just being hot and fun to fuck. This gets exasperated by social norms and mass-thinking about "Do anything for love" and "Love is all you need."

So there are two points here: don't expect a lot of guys on a board like this to realize that in solving problem A, you simply create problem B. They are still on problem A. Which is fine but all they have right now is a hammer, so your problem looks like a nail (i.e. just nail more chicks... haha, see what I did there). Problem is, this is not a nail.

Second point: Yes, these deep relationships are important. Yes, love and connection are really all anyone needs (the science and psych supports this, so I'm not just being some "soft AFC" or whatever else some retard wants to label it).

But... love goes beyond a girl.

Love for others - strangers, family, friends.

Love for the world and what's in it.

Love for the moment.

And most importantly, because I think this is something you've lost sight of... love for self.

Last time I posted here, I asked you to ask yourself why. Why so attached to this girl?

Because let's be honest: some of your reactions over the last few weeks have been extreme. I'm not judging, just pointing out what is fact.

You talk a lot about mission. And I actually think at some point, building something with a good girl CAN be a man's mission. But that requires a ton of investment. It requires her to be a "co-pilot" in the same mission, building the same thing as you. Supporting you. Only then does she deserve to become your mission.

If that were the case, maybe some of your more emotional reactions would be more warranted. But I don't think she ever did that for you. And you've even said, if we get back together, it will probably just be more of the same...

Which takes us back to the question: why so attached to her? Last time I asked you that, you gave a bunch of rational answers: I let her take up too much of my time. I gave up other social activities for her. Etc...

Go a layer deeper. If you walked into a therapist's office and said "I've been having these reactions to a recent breakup with a girl I was with for a few months" the therapist would not accept the answers you gave me. He/she would dig into why.

Why did you do those things? What about the relationship you have with yourself, the views you have on love, the way you approach intimacy, attachment, and loss caused you to bond so closely when she may not have deserved it? Are you viewing love through too powerful of a snowflake or scarcity lens? Why did you lose your self-love and your emphasis on nurturing yourself when this girl came along?

Once you identify these things, when you start feeling yourself spiraling into that emotional abyss, you can stop and say: Sure, she was great. But I've put too much emphasis on XYZ because I sometimes believe ABC and that's not true. Plus theres 123 which is another reason I should be happy/ok/etc.

Here's a recommendation: read a book called Attached. It will hopefully explain a bit more of the nature of romantic attachment for you.

Next... a lot of people will probably tell you not to get back together with this girl. If it were me, I wouldn't. But I'm not you and I wouldn't do that because of my own personal experiences in trying to rekindle relationships that were clearly not working.

For you, however, I say, if you think it'll make you happy, go ahead and try.

There's a Harvard psychologist named Dan Gilbert. His work basically boils down to the following premise: we dramatically overestimate and underestimate what will actually make us happy. Therefore, the only real way to achieve happiness in life is to discover it through experience.

Some people might read that and say "fuck, that seems like happiness is then just luck" or "how do I move forward in life if I don't know?"

I read that and it excites me. It means that the journey is the adventure. It means that we can constantly dip our toes in different pools to see how we like them and then, when we discover the one that we really like, we can dive in knowing we've made a life-changing discovery.

How do I know that I'm happiest living on the coast as opposed to in a big city? Because I tried it.

How do I know that I don't do well in office environments, no matter how relaxed and flexible? Because I've experienced many different places on the spectrum.

How do I know I enjoy a non-committed lifestyle right now? Because I tried a relationship and found I wasn't ready (but, to show you how this is neverending... I also accept that maybe my ex-gf just wasn't a good fit for me, so I'm open to trying with another girl who comes along and seems like she might be).

Very few things are permanent in this life. Try them out, dip your toes in a bunch of goddamn pools, see what happens, and love the process. I've always felt that if no one is permanently hurt, let's do it. Time is limited and if this is the truth - that we must discover through experience - we are left with only two options:

1) Do nothing. Hope for the best. Waste 100% of that limited time.

2) Make smart assumptions, test them, and see what happens. Stumble our way forward. Devote some of that limited time to the process, knowing that the process itself is fulfilling and once it leads us where we want to go, it's even better.

My point is: you think you'll be happy to be with her again, keep trying to make it work (to an extent, obviously... if it becomes an exercise in futility at some point you need to force yourself to accept it and move on).

But, since this is all trial, accept the fact that you might get there and be like "Well... this is no different than last time... I'm still unhappy and now I have to go through the pain of breaking up AGAIN."

We have asymmetric perceptions of loss and gain. Everyone fears loss way more than they desire gain, and that can hold us hostage. Just something to be aware of, particularly in the context of romantic attachment.

Oh, one more point: all the things you've just listed - to reclaim your state so to speak, are awesome. That's an important part of the process and probably the first thing you need to do. I think if you use those things to help with the perspective and growth in some of what I've talked about here, you'll be finding things come together very fast. What I mean is if you're out running, meditating, etc... the thought process might be "This is helps me not think about her. But look: I love myself, I love what's around me. There's a lot more to life than my relationship with Amanda, or any girl. It's all great and that's just one piece of the puzzle."

I don't know dude... that's a lot of babble and braindump on my part. This stuff is tough to understand and I feel like I've only given you a loose, shitty template for the way I approach some of these things. That's because I'm don't even fully understand how all of these different pieces of life come together. I don't think anyone does. We all just have to just chisel away at our own individual mountains. But hopefully some of this diatribe was helpful

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh read my mind. Like, EXACT same experience. RSD Tyler has the same exact experience as well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAyZajdTGTU

He says that at high levels of game, you're no longer scarce in sex, but in emotion. That feeling of love. What nobody on this fucking forum gets is that doesn't matter how many hot girls you bang, you're not gonna get that feeling unless it's with a girl you connect with well. And that's like, one in ....lots.

The reason I got so invested is that I haven't connected with a girl like this since HS girl. Maybe not even connected, but it might also be just that her physical appearance and personality type is just the exact thing that pushes my attraction buttons right on the head. The cute, innocent, naive type. Have no clue why those kinds of girls get to me so hard.

Because I was so attracted, when she showed her interest and things worked out, I just fell headfirst in.

In the case of losing love for myself, yes that's probably true. Just got tunnel vision, got addicted to those emotions she gave me, and just said fuck it to everything else.

Yes, I agree that the girl you love ideally should be "co-pilot" on your mission, but often times (as is the case here) she's got her own mission as well, and it's gangsta as fuck for her to pursue her own mission.

I AM viewing love through too powerful of a scarcity lens. It's been almost two years since HS girl, and I can think of two girls that I felt like love could've happened, and countless more that I was just fooling around with for the lulz.

They were:
MR girl- Totally fucked that one up within date one.
AE girl- Made it way further (2 months ish) before fucking it up.

My mindset is just too scarce around these cute girls with this innocent, cute, feminine personality type. I feel like they're too difficult to find. Not enough of them around. So when I meet one, yes I do play tight and end up getting her, but once I have her I fuck it up.

So the question is, how do I cultivate an environment with more of these types of girls? Where do they hang out? MR girl went out a lot, was on track team, and worked at a Thai restaurant. AE girl went to Spanish club, studies a lot, and takes dance lessons. They're like diamonds in the rough, but they're moving targets.

HS girl was the same personality type. She ran a lot, swam a lot, and cared a lot about her studies. Maybe if I could figure out a way to cultivate more abundance in these types of girls I would probably do a lot better in this department. The possibilities for love would increase, and then I would feel more abundant.

All these other girls: BI girl, NS girl, JH girl, JS girl, HR girl, AQ girl, and other randos were just a dime a dozen in my eyes. They just didn't feel special to me.

Is it a limiting belief or a bad mindset that the girls that I really like are scarce? Probably. How do I fix it? Find out how to find more of them. How do I do that? Maybe I should think about that more.

The Book "Attached". Got it, I'll add it to my list.

The thing is, I was the HAPPIEST right before I met AE girl, and during the beginning stages. It felt like I was on FIRE every day. I didn't even need love. But then once you get with it, you're like holy shit I want more of that. Yes, more please. Never mind how happy I was before, that felt damn good. It's exactly like an addictive drug. And then once it's gone you feel that hole and you're like holy shit now it's all I can think about. It's like that love feeling (oxytocin hormone) overpowers all those good emotion feelings (serotonin, dopamine, whatever else). The most powerful emotion in the world.
I completely accept that fact. I know that that might happen, and it might even be likely, but I'm still fucking powerless to stop myself from pursuing it. It's fucking stupid. Which is why I think it's so important to get to work on these goals of mine to reboot my state.

Which I tried to, this morning. Every time I thought about AE girl, I replaced it thoughts about business and my ebook. It worked, for like a couple hours. Then it just became too fucking exhausting, and I gave up, thought about her, and had another nervous breakdown.

On my run up a mountain, too, I had suicidal thoughts pop up in my brain 2 or 3 times. Each time I thought to myself, "ridiculous!" and shoved them aside. I'm definitely keeping an eye on myself, and I already told HS girl and MS girl about this, so it doesn't develop. I feel like telling people will help me get rid of them.

Went to sushi with MS girl and her friends, went well.

Did some work, kept getting distracted.

Called AE girl around 4, no answer. She saw the FB message from last night around 5:30. I message her again around 7:00:

Hey, are you free at any time tonight to either chat on the phone or on Facebook?

Her:
Hey, idk. I am working on some homework right now and am kinda on a roll. Maybe later?

Me:
Sure sure

She's at least reading and responding to me, which is more than I can say for last week. Apparently that talk did something, like I thought it did.

Today was day 1 of Mission Reboot Ning's State. Success: decent. The thought replacement tactic worked alright in the morning. I called almost all the people I lean on in the afternoon, while I was having my breakdown, only talked to HS girl, which is fine. Finally was able to cry by watching "When love arrives", a slam poetry thing on YouTube. It's dope, check it out. MS girl suggested watching a movie I know I'll cry at. Crying pretty much always makes me feel better. Masculine, I know. So I just gotta figure out how to cry easier when I get in a shitty state, and then it'll get better.

Thanks for the words, Daniel, I appreciate them. Helps me understand this shit and hear that someone else has been through similar shit.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Been talking to pretty much all my really close female friends about this shit. Talked to AG girl for 1.5 hours last night, and then with MS girl for another 1.5 hours.

With AG girl it was mostly just a de-stressing session, as she's going through her own shit and I helped her out with that, while with MS girl it was an actual therapy like session where we go to go super deep and figure out the root cause of all my shit. She's a psycho-therapist grad student, so she actually had some great insights and helped me realize several things on my own without going outright and telling me. I'm impressed.

I'm going to type these new insights down, relay them to AE girl, and use them to heal. It actually feels a lot better understanding the situation better. So here we go with my draft.

Hey! I'm excited. I've been talking with my close female friends about this whole shindig a lot recently. Males are kinda sub-par with the listening skills. Anyways, I talked with Allison for an hour a half and Mandy put her psycho-therapist skills to use on me. I basically told them and showed them all the same conversations that you showed your friends, and Mandy helped me realize some things.

With someone you're really close to, validation obviously feels pretty good (Yes, he/she cares about me!) and invalidation / rejection obviously feels pretty terrible (Why would he do that if he/she cares about me?)

All my frustrations / pain I think stemmed from feelings of invalidation and rejection, just like you. For example, that night that we had that conversation. I realized that the reason I changed my mood so quick and got sour was because I felt invalidated/rejected intimately/physically. Watching that movie and talking about not doing anything before just made me feel like you didn't like me, you weren't attracted to me, and you didn't want to do anything physical with me.

It's the same feeling you got at the end of the night, when I dropped you off and you felt like I didn't return any of your physical affection. You feel like, "doesn't he/she like me anymore? Why don't they like this anymore? What's wrong? Is there something wrong with me?" Same feeling.

I know you'll probably say this: "But I did so much for you, made so many sacrifices for you, how could you not know I cared about you?"

Yes, you did do a lot for me, all that validation made me really happy, but it doesn't erase or make the invalidation/rejection go away that easily. For example, despite the mood change and lack of intimacy at the goodbye that night, you might have felt invalidated/rejected and frustrated because you felt like I didn't care about you. I could make the same argument and say, "how could you not know that I care about you? I always drive you. I always hang out with you. I always hold your hand at other times," but that doesn't erase that feeling of invalidation.

Same thing with the invalidation/rejection that you feel from the split and from that conversation. I could list all the things I did for you to show you I cared, and do even more things to show I care, but it won't erase that feeling of rejection quickly, and you'll still feel like, "why doesn't he care about me? does he not like me for me? does he not like me without sex?"

Some feelings are just hard to make up / compensate for with more gestures of affection. Which is what I felt like you were trying to do with the sacrifices and all, trying to compensate for my feelings of physical rejection with gestures of affection.

That's what I feel like piled up. Feelings of physical and sometimes emotional rejection: is she not attracted to me? why doesn't she want to cuddle or kiss? why does she not want to spend time with me? And instead of us trying to address these feelings, we both made the mistake of trying to fix it by you compensating with more gestures of affection.

In reality, this issue is not difficult to fix at all. It's just that we kind of sucked at communicating about this because of both of our insecurities.

For example, when we said goodbye at your house: I knew you felt rejected that I was physically cold. I could've just told you, "hey, I know that it might not feel like it right now, because I'm feeling a little bit frustrated, but I do like kissing you. I do like holding your hand. And you mean the world to me. I like you a lot, which is why I do feel frustrated." Which addresses those issues of feeling invalidated/rejected.

Each time you put the brakes on things physically (which I always respected), instead of trying to compensate for me feeling invalidated/rejected with more sacrifices and gestures, you could've said something like, "Ning, I know you might feel like I don't like you or am not attracted to you because I'm putting the brakes on things, but it's the exact opposite. You mean a lot to me and I like you a lot. And I DO like being physical with you. The fact that I am holding myself to my standards doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to you. I AM attracted to you. I love kissing you. I love cuddling with you. I hope you know that."

Golly, that would've been nice to hear and would've squashed those invalidation/rejection feelings. Those would've never piled up, and none of this would've happened.

More examples: Instead of that open relationship line, I could've said something along the lines of, "hey, I know that you might feel like I only care about you because I want to have sex with you. You're scared of that, scared that you're not enough for me without the sex. I want to let you know that that isn't true. You ARE enough. Sex does not define your worth. The reason I feel frustrated is because the way we handle how we stick to your standards makes me feel invalidated/rejected physically, and that makes me feel like I need to find those feelings of physical validation somewhere. I respect your standards. I know they're important to you. I just wish you could also let me know that that doesn't mean those feelings of desire are still there, that you're still attracted to me, and that I AM desireable to you. That would make me feel physically validated and not want that from somewhere else."

For the volleyball thing (or any time that you forgot or didn't want to do things we had planned), you could've said something like, "Ning, I AM busy and tired all the time. But please don't mistake that for me not caring about you. This stuff is important to me, but you are also important to me. I'm glad I got to see you at Spanish club, I'm glad that you came, it makes me happy. I'm sorry I have to run off for volleyball without interacting that much, but just remember that I DO care about you, I DO like you, and that I DO want to hang out with you."

Basically, if someone feels invalidated/rejected, the other person can patch that up with validation instead of not addressing it and trying to make up for it with more sacrifices / gestures.

Whew, that's a lot. Talking with Mandy about this really helped me feel better, because I understand what happened better, and I know how to fix future problems like this. It also makes me feel better about myself. Interacting with you has made me feel like I was a horny sexual monster, where this view of me that you have that I'm just after sex with you might actually be true. Made me feel real crappy about myself.

I know that that's not true about me. I've had relationships that have gone a loooooong time without sex where I was really happy. The key to those lasting was communication like I showed above, which we weren't doing (or were doing little of). It feels so much better realizing that I was reacting to those feelings of physical rejection/invalidation, and the pileup of those frustrations is what made me react so poorly and call you that night, and not that you wouldn't have sex with me.

I guess this is a lot. I hope you read it on your own time, and whatever you decide, carry this with you through your future relationships, whether it be with me or someone else. I know that this might be an issue for you with future relationships, and these are great ways to show your guy that you still care about him, that you still find him attractive, that you still want/like to do physical things with him, it's just that you also have standards you want to stick to.

Now that I know this, I'll put it in my notes so that in the future I can handle things like this better.

That's all I got.

I miss you.
I care about you.
I want to be with you for you, because I love hanging out with you, I love seeing your smile, and I love all the nerdy things we did together. I want to be with you for you, not because I want to weasel my way into bed with you.

Hope your Sunday goes well.

-Ning

Holy cow. Yup. Brain dump. Edited it a bit and then sent it. Feel a lot better now.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

Did work, played some bball. Started feeling shitty, and then got home and showered. I call, no answer. I'm about to write ANOTHER Facebook message when she messages me instead. The following conversation ensues.

Her:
Let me quote our conversation for you.
"You're right. Tonight I didn't want to. Maybe I should have just told you I wasn't feeling it tonight. I should have been clear and up front. But tonight in no way represents how I feel about you. I love cuddling with you. I love our good byes. We are dating because of that. Because I really like you. "
"And I realized in the car that I wasn't being fair to you by acting the way I did. I didn't want you to think I wasn't into you. Because I am. I'm so into you.
That's why I wanted to stop for dinner... I could try to end our day together on a better note. And I thought we did.... Until our goodbyes."

Me:
Okay

Her:
Was that not validation for you? I thought that was pretty clear.

Me:
yes, that was
when you said that, it really helped
because at that point I wasn't even sure
I think you did a did good job there
there were a lot of other times where that would've helpd
when you said that that night, it made me feel a lot better, and I'm pretty sure we ended that night on a good note after you came over and we talked
I told you how much I liked you
etc. etc.
I thought that that night and the phone call the following night both went pretty well, and we ended both on good notes
there were other times, though, where we just didn't really address it
and it kind of built up in me and the spanish club night it just kinda came out in frustration instead of in talking, which is what it should've came out as

Her:
And you also told me how much you liked sex. And how you would be into an open relationship. I was willing to try and work around this. I sure as heck would not call that "ending pretty well."
You knew my history and what happens when things get too physical. Every good bye would end with "I really like you."
I'm sorry you felt "invalidated and rejected."
I don't know what I could have done more. I thought I was clear about my history and how I felt.
But, naturally, it wasn't enough.

Me:
In the beginning every goodbye ended with that, after awhile it kind of petered out
I do like sex. Doesn't mean I can't do without it
And I do know your history, I've told you several times I don't want to push you and have you have breakdowns

Her:
Well, I recall differently. And If I am mistaken, I suppose kissing good bye for nearly an hour doesn't mean "I like you" either.

Me:
that does mean I like you
and I liked those
I was on cloud 9 after those
after every goodbye
I felt like I was on cloud 9
it's just a timing thing. those times that I felt invalidated or rejected, there was none of that
I could point to all the same things and say about that goodbye that night, don't you see I like you? but on that night did you still feel the rejection?
which is why you messaged me after trying to figure out what was wrong

Her:
If that's how you felt throughout the relationship, there's apparently nothing I can or could have done about it. Sorry you felt that way and and sorry I didn't know about it.

Me:
It's okay, I don't blame you
I could have figured this out and communicated better earlier too
It's hard to talk this through, I'm still feeling so a lot of bitterness and anger from you. I was hoping this would be more of a productive team effort to figure out how to do better together in the future, but it's turned in to a blame Ning for being a huge jerk session

Her:
I'm so fed up right, Ning. This is logical Amanda trying to take the wheel for once.

Me:
I've apologized a bazillion times, Ive acknowledged all the points where I was wrong and things I wanted to fix. I haven't blamed you for anything, I haven't reacted with anger, ever.
Despite you forgetting things we planned
despite any number of things I could be angry about, including tango night
I haven't heard you apologize except about tango, and everything else out of you has been Amanda is always right Ning is always wrong
I've been in such hell this past week, with the limbo you've been taking me on. A little hope, then ignored. A little hope, then crushed. A little hope, then ignored again. It's been brutal
And I just want it to stop
I'm so emotionally exhausted right now, and I don't know what else to do or how else to apologize or make you happy or do backflips or whatever
so if you want to just stop it just do me a favor and tell me so I can suffer through the consequences
I'll still be civil when I see you because I care too much about you to launch all this venom at you and spit hate about you to my friends. It's hurt a lot, I won't lie. It still will hurt.
but I can't take what we're doing right now any more
Every attempt I've made has been met with anger
I've tried so hard to contact you and mend this, and even suggested this stuff for improvement in the future, things both I WANTED to fix and things we could work on together, but obviously Amanda can never do no wrong
Everyone else is always wrong and messed up but never you
so just tell me it's over
just do it, put me out of my misery

Her:
You type so fast i can never get a response. You are directing this conversation right now.

Me:
ok go for it, that was a brain dump
...?
Every single time you've apologized, I've told you it's okay, I forgive you, I don't blame you, I understand

Her:
I think we are done. I'm glad we talked yesterday. A lot of things were cleared up. I think we both understand our errors and how we could have improved. But it looks like our wounds are both still fresh. Yours newer than mine. I'm so sorry I caused that, I had no bad intentions, but but everything went so badly.
I have shared this with you twice, but you and I both don't want to hear it. We are done. In the middle of the coffee shop I have tears streaming down my face. I don't want what we had to be over (again). But the damage has been done. We can't fix this.

Me:
Okay, I understand
I completely understand
and I although I believe differently about being able to fix this (we were on the right path on Friday) it's not enough for me to think so, if you don't think so then you're right, it can't be fixed
Thank you for making that decision, it's a relief for me to finally know where I am and how to go about my future
and I want you to know that I'll still be civil. I can send you a message if I happen to be coming in to your lab so we can avoid each other
And although the end was stupidly rough and painful, everything happens for a reason, and I'm grateful for what we had
so thank you for that experience
thank you for everything
I hope everything goes well for you
I hope you find a guy that treats you really well
Which I did
save for that one mistake
I hope you get over this quickly, and don't hurt too much
although I know it'll be hard

Her:
I so badly want to believe we can get back what we had. I miss it as much as you. I'm literally crying in public right now. But, I can't to through this. I'm sorry.
go through*

Me:
I understand
if you don't believe we can fix it, then we probably can't
I do believe. But it takes two

Her:
God, it's like that darn phone call all over again.

Me:
I'm pretty sure I was in love with you, Amanda. Feels so stupid to say it now. I think I was just too afraid to say it before all this crap. I want to just get it out there before we part ways

Her:
Me too.

Me:
I know you're kind of new to this relationship thing. with future guys, just try your best to be understanding and forgiving
and try to be open to other's points of view
I did my best, I really did
I tried everything
I don't know what else to say

Her:
I'm sorry. I wish this had never happened

Me:
Me too. When life hands you lemons...
throw the lemons as far as you can I guess

Her:
But, alas, c'est la vie.

Me:
I guess this is goodbye
I wish you happiness, love, and countless bags of chips. Goodbye. Love, Ning
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdJ6aUB2K4g

*15 minutes go by*

Her:
What this isn't the right thing? Gosh darn it. Ning, I'm dying right now

Me:
Me too
I know this isn't the right thing

*she video calls me on Facebook after accepting my friend request. I miss it, call her back, and she picks up. I watch a video of her crying for like 20 minutes. She mentions how the thought of me with someone else is killing her.*

Her:
Idk if you could hear me

Me:
i can
can you hear me

Her:
No

Me:
i dunno i think the microphone is just busted. Its telling me i have to restart it to work

Her:
Ok. I have to go back out to house sit. Do you want to meet in person?

Me:
yes

Her:
Okay. Let me pack my things and shower. I will let you know when I leave.
Meet at your place?

Me:
sure

*10 minutes go by*
Her:
Sorry, I'm not a matter of two minute showers. I also haven't eaten today. .. so I will be doing that before i show up.
Master of two minute *

Me:
Ok

*end of interaction*

She shows up about half an hour later. I get up from sitting and walk towards her car with my arms crossed. She walks right up to me and hugs me and says, "I'm sorry" several times. I hug her back. She bursts into tears. I keep hugging her. She's wrapped her arms around me and holding me tight. I feel euphoria and relief flood my body.

I lean down and hug her tighter. I start crying. We're there in the middle of the cul de sac, holding on to each other and sobbing. It's disgusting.

I look up to the sky, close my eyes, and thank God for this moment. I don't even believe in God.

After more hugging and sobbing, we move over so a car can get through. I still haven't said a thing this entire time. We're still hugging and I cradle her face in both hands and kiss her. She kisses me back. We sit down and keep hugging. The crying is finally slowing down.

The first word I say is, "crazy," while shaking my head. She giggles, and we both burst into uncontrollable giggles.

I tell her she has no clue how messed up I've been these three weeks. I've missed her SO much.

We hug and cry some more. I tell her I'm so sorry. She says, "it's whatever". I ask her if she forgives me, she says yes.

We lay down on the grass, I hold her hand. She says, "we can do this." I tell her we just need to communicate more.

She tells me how she was having a breakdown in the Alley Cat. How when I accepted it, she just got really sad. She told me she wondered to herself, "what if Ning's ..." "The one?" I finish for her. She nods. I hug her tight and tell her I'm never letting her go again. We sit up and I kiss her.

I tell her I love her. She says it back. I tell her it's a weird time for the us to say that for the first time. She agrees.

We grab soup from her car and go inside my house to warm it up. As we're sitting and slurping up the soup, we make some light banter. I ask her when vegetables became part of her diet. She mentions how she's surprised she hasn't gained weight with the amount of junk food she's eaten. I tell her I've lost a belt buckle notch worth of weight. She tells me good, I was getting kind of heavy. I break into a smile and that gorgeous smile graces her face.

Eventually she has to go house sit, and we hug one last time.

I'm flying high. This has been one fucking crazy ride. It's all worth it. It's all fucking worth it.

So FUCK all you PUA naysayers. I don't give a fuck. This makes me happy, and I wouldn't have had this beautiful moment with the blood moon as a backdrop if I had listened to y'all.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal

It's been a couple days since. I've realized a couple things.

She's still as busy and unavailable and tired and not trying as ever. Although she responds to messages, there's a lack of initiation. Before all of you go telling me, "I told you so," I know. I asked for this.

I paid so much and invested so much to have this that I have to stick with it. And I have to figure out how to interact with this girl in a way that makes her invest or deal with her not investing. She obviously cares about me, that much is true. It's just that subtle shift in power when you know someone else is totally into you, totally sold. You feel like you just don't really have to try any more. That's what I need to get back.

By doing the same thing as before: focus on writing. Focus on running. Focus on my social circle. Focus on building my life back up to where it should be. I'm doing myself a favor by doing this, AND I'm doing her a favor by not crowding her and letting her invest. If she invests, this'll obviously be more valuable and more enjoyable to her.

So the goal is to pull back and focus on me. The effect is that it will make her slightly unsure and unstable, which will instigate her initiating things and investing. Then we can get back into the cycle of her investing and me rewarding, as opposed to the other way around.

Regardless of what happens with her, focusing on me should've always been the plan.

Been running well, and my social interactions have been getting better. Writing has fallen off and needs some attention. Let's keep this going.

_________________
My Pick-Up Journal