So I am literally brand new on here...this is my first post.

Met a hard 8 brunette with triple D fake tits about a month ago on the lake. We hit it off right away and I sealed the deal on our second interaction. It was great, no complaints. We see each other two times after that and on one occasion she was about 2 hours late. She apologizes, I didn't think much of it at the time. Next date she completely blows me off for her friend that comes in town. I explain this is not okay with me and she has to respect me and my time (our first argument). Things seem to be good and she seems genuinely sorry for her actions. Here is where it gets interesting...

We go bar hopping and we call an Uber...it arrives and to my surprise it is a hot blonde, I’d give her a 7. The three of us are vibing on the car ride to the next bar so I decide to invite Uber along and I tell her I will buy her a shot. We have a great night on the patio and last call approaches. The girl I’m dating (let’s call her Jess) invites her to my place for drinks. The interaction is mostly between the two of them. 5 o'clock rolls around, I am listening to music in the house and the girls are outside talking.

The door flies open and Jess exclaims "We are tying this bitch up!” Jess loves to be tied up so I already had the restrains on my bed and we both proceeded to secure Uber. Collectively we used toys to get her off multiple times (she actually broke the metal connector on one of the leg restraints) and then untied her and it was just an all-out drunken sex fest. There was nothing awkward or weird it was spontaneous and just frankly bad ass.

Jess and I awake and Uber has hit the road. We laugh about the night and went about our normal routine. We notice Uber left her sandals and bra in my room so she text her letting her know (I don't have her # as it was the girls who initiated everything). Uber responds that she has been working all day without shoes and a bra and later text she would like to have fun with us again. Eventually Jess leaves and our week goes on as usual.

Jess and I were hanging out once a week on the weekends (6 times total) as both of our schedules are crazy. We talk on the phone once a day for about 30 minutes and it is normally her that is calling me. I genuinely enjoy Jess’s company however I don't see us taking it any further than casual given our circumstances. She is ridiculously popular and I think this may play a role in what I am about to tell you. To put it in perspective she got 300 something comments on FB of a photo she took on my boat in a bikini.

So here is where things turn. We have plans as always early in the week to hang out this Friday. I have been working like crazy and so has she so we agree to just lay low at my place. The night of, she calls me and says her friend she has not seen in years is in town and is "forcing her" to go out. She did invite me but I said "You have a choice in what you do and we had plans, I told you I'm exhausted". She goes on about how fun we will have etc. and it was so similar to the last time she blew me off I cut her off mid-sentence and just said "I'm out" and hung up. A few minutes passed and I realized I was a total tool for hanging up so I sent her a text apologizing. She responded with "we will be at ABC Bar". I don't respond and stay home that evening.

The next day she calls me in the afternoon saying how she had so much fun bla bla and asked why I was being weird. I explained that this is the second time she has blown me off and this is unacceptable. I said we could discuss this more but I prefer it be in person. She asked if she could come by around 9 that evening and I said sure but you have to understand that I'm making other plans as bailing on me has become a pattern. 9 o'clock rolls around and nothing. I call her around 9:30, no answer (I regret even calling). Since that call neither of us has made contact with the other.

I have so many questions as to what is going on and what I did wrong or if this is just how she is with everyone. Did the threesome play a role in this? We don’t have mutual friends so I have no background on Jess. Most importantly I would also like to know how you guys would handle this situation moving forward.

My end goal is to get her back to the once a week sexscapade and get past this flakey bullshit. I am new here and I did my best to portray my situation. I have thick skin so please feel free to tell me exactly like it is. Thanks in advance gentlemen.

Nothing went wrong... I'm afraid this is actually 100% normal nowadays.

The only thing you need to watch crossing is the neediness border. By calling her and acting out after being flaked on, you've stepped over the safety line. Once you start acting needy you're going to lose all your respect. You can't take flaking too personally or be upset about it. It's just how things go nowadays.

Just make other plans man. If the woman wanted to see you she would.

By the looks of it you're being a reactive. It's good how you set boundaries about what you will and what you won't take, but women, and anyone for that matter do not take well to being reprimanded. You could have taken a more centered position towards her flakey behavior rather than hanging up on her, telling her how angry you are with her etc - this shows over-investment on your part. You've hungout 6x and you're acting this way. I'm not saying you weren't justified in being a bit upset over being flaked on twice, but really you got a bit punitive about it and probably conditioned her from having positive feelings linked to you - formerly seeing you as the fun guy who she'd hangout with, have fun, and hookup with, to now associating negative feelings towards you.

If you remained more grounded in your responses to her behavior you wouldn't have felt a need to apologize over calling your conversation short with her (a 'chick' move tbh). I'm not sure I'd call the second thing a flake as she did want you to join her and her friend, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances - a grounded guy would tell her to go do her thing with her friend was in town and hadn't seen her in years.

Go quiet for a bit (unless she makes first contact). Give a few days a week, and reach-out to her if you want at that point with something light and airy DO NOT go reference what happened.

That said, given her patterns is this a girl you want to invest in more? She just may not be the right fit for you.

Wow very informative. I am over invested now that I think about it. It is the phone calls every day that did me in and the sex is/was dynamite. I have other girls I talk to but it is maybe once a week if that. You are right hanging up was a total chick move I was exhausted and it just set me off but that is no excuse. Please elaborate on a taking a "centered position". Interesting you wouldn't call the second thing a flake and I guess I need to be more understanding. What do you suggest I do if she calls me? Obviously I will not bring up the situation. Thank man you really made me realize one main thing, I was over invested.

'Centered position' just means you should be grounded in who you are as a person ie great catch and not be so reactive to her little 'games' or flaking.

Would a valuable male that has other girls/is going places in life be upset if 1 girl stood him up? No. Neither should you.

Being "centered" or "grounded" isn't something you can automatically become until you learn the power of presence. Presence means recognizing when you're being carried away by your thoughts and feelings rather than becoming the "The Watcher of the Mind"; imagine standing outside your mind so-to-speak and simply watching the thoughts go by like leaves floating down a stream - this way you aren't identifying with any particular thought, instead you're simply acknowledge their presence and letting them be. Or, if you'd rather see it on a more scientific level; you got your raw sensory modalities - your hearing, touch, site etc... all of these are coloured by your biases, the lens to which you see the world and sometimes that lens can be coloured in a way that isn't helpful for getting our needs met. The lens was created unconsciously through our environments and introjections (e.g., internalized beliefs from patterns of behavior learned as children).

When you REACT your limbic brain has essentially hijacked your prefrontal cortex - the area of your brain responsible for making rational decisions and judgments among other things. You've got basically a fraction of a second to short-circuit the process as the limbic/reptilian brain kicks in much faster.

So while you can remind yourself when you're not being present (which is actually presence itself), often times u'll find yourself in the undertow of the stream of thoughts (judgments, evaluations, etc of things and events).

The best way, for me at least, to prevent this from happening, or at least minimizing it from happening is through daily meditation. There is a lot of science coming forth in support of this, so it's not some hocus pockus new age crap - in fact the Bhuddists and Taoists have known about it for centuries.

Mindfulness Gurus such as Eckhart Tolle will talk about it in terms of "unconscious" vs "conscious" - unconsciousness meaning you're a slave to your mind - it rules you, you're stuck in thoughts of past and an unrealized future as though it were your identity, and the associated feelings. Consciousness being presence - when you're completely presence, as most of us have been for fleeting moments throughout our lives - there is actually no thought at all, it is the SPACE between thought - you are presence, you are consciousness and it dissolves any identification with external form. I am probably sounding a bit abstract so I'm going to stop here.

So if you want to truly become more present/more "conscious" then I would start with some sort of meditation. It can be as short as 3 minutes, and as long as you want really. Or, it may be the checking in with yourself throughout the day with a cueing question such as "What is going on within me right now?" - the point of such a question is to bring consciousness into your body so you aren't stuck in your mind. People who are stuck in their mind are readily identifiable as they get caught-up in the minutia of things, they get paralyzed by a constant stream of thought and rather than using their mind as a problem-solving tool and knowing WHEN to shut it off, they let the mind keep going and they are never truly present/conscious.

I am starting a new company and my stress levels are through the roof.

"you're stuck in thoughts of past and an unrealized future as though it were your identity"

That sentence literally defines what I a going through every day lately. I have never meditated nor do I know how. I am going to do some research now and try that out. This site has blown my mind and opened up my eyes. Great advice sir.

Download eckhart tolles Power of Now. The book itself is useless and too hard for most to understand. Great starting point, key points are repeated and uses lots of metaphors. You'll prob want to give it at least a 2nd and 3rd listen as there's some depth to it. Once you get it it's quite simple but like a muscle you've got to work on daily to benefit. As you practice meditation you'll notice you're living more from a frame of abundance than scarcity.

The abundant guy is present more often than not. The needy guy lives primarily inconsciously through his ego and seeks out the quick fix/instant gratification route like most guys on this forum.

You say you don't want it to be anything more than casual... yet you want her to act like your girlfriend and make you happy.

You can't have both dude. Sorry.

good thread. learnt alot. got a question about this
i get that a valuable guy wouldn't be upset if someone stood him up. but does WHEN she stands you up matter? like if it's friday night and she stands you up at 9pm, that's got to be kind of bad for you - even if you have lots of other girls, it would be hard to find someone that night. and she's gonna know that. i guess what i'm asking is, What frame of abundance would you use for these very last minute flakes? If she flakes on you at 9pm, say via a phonecall or text msg, would you say, ok, cool?