So bit of an update, thanks again for all the replies.

We got on pretty well at the weekend when we were away, despite being too loaded to do anything in bed.

However she doesn't seem ton instigate any form of intimacy at all with me, in fact I did try to come on to her last night in bed but she wasn't interested.

I take it the last thing I should be doing is asking why , being needy looking like I care too much at all?

Its such a paradox all this, as I know that because she is thinking about us not being together, it makes me feel more attractive to her, want her more I guess. And I know that if the shoe is on the other boot so to speak then she would feel the same.

After the last input you gave us about your behavior it sounds pretty reasonable that she behaves this way.
She is fed up with your past behavior. She doesn't believe that this new behavior is going to last.
She knows that you are only acting like this because you want something from her.
If I was her and I had told you the things she said and you would had changed your behavior into better I would be at first sceptical about it. I would had let you prove that you have changed over a long period of time.
You need to stick to your good behavior now until "the storm" goes away. Then you can slowly mix it up with your past behaviour. Remember though don't go back to 100% of the time being an A-hole. You are allowed to be 30% max .. do you understand me?
When things settle and you feel secure and you are sure she is the One go and propose. Alright? You won't be able in your life to find easier a person to have mutual interest for 8 years. A healthy minded individual is attracted to people they are attracted to them. People who need reassurance want what they can't have.
Unfortunately there are lots of people who were not told "well done you are great!" enough times when they were kids. That's why the theory your theory is quite valid.

Thanks for the reply.

Actually what happened was that I gave her a back rub and then tried to initiate , something that I know realise I did a lot of . she said something like you always want something after you give me a back rub , kinda threw me back a bit .


How should I handle general intimacy?distance or do some small ones ? I'm Really struggling to know how to act. I'm trying to be nicer but I don't want the power to go completely one way.

At present it seems like she is in power ,which is a strange feeling for me as I have been the one in control in the past in the relationship. In fact there were periods where I didn't want to be physical with her at all. I guess this is what it feels like !

If you want to hunt deer do you ask the deer or the hunter?

Disregard the majority of female advice.

All the advice here is still relevant to this situation.

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HAHAHAHAHHA

Losing power there?
awww...
hahah

You could have given her a backrub and NOT try to initiate sex. That would had threw HER back a bit
I understand where she is coming from because I had a long term bf who was giving me backrubs only in order to seduce me to have sex with him.
After a while when he was giving me a backrub I was not welcoming it because I had obligation afterwards to say yes to sex even if I wasn't aroused.
If you want to give her a backrub then give her a backrub. If you want a backrub ask for a backrub. If you want sex give her PROPER foreplay. Backrub is NOT a foreplay for a woman. It could be for a man but NOT for a woman.
She shouldn't feel obligated to have sex with you. She should feel AROUSED and WANT sex with you. Do you see the difference? For the minute forget about the power. You are not trying to rule her. You want to be in a nice and healthy relationship with her.
Your focus is not sex at the moment. You will get sex in the future and lots of it if you succeed make her want to stay.
Let her win a battle for you later to win the war. Do you see my point?
She is upset. So let her calm down and make her feel that happy that it seems unreasonable to be upset.
Give without making it look like she has to give back. Make it perfect. Then gradually introduce elements of your old self and you are back in power. Then hot & cold at times... mix it up. She is NOT in power. If she was in power she would have been sleeping with someone else and wouldn't had told you a thing until she was ready to get out of the relationship.
She is just a good girl with an A-hole long term bf who has pushed her buttons too much and she is starting to get bored of this situation. She is as much addicted to you as you are into her.
She is just presenting herself indifferent at the moment because she is trying to GAIN power. Not power over you but power over herself so she takes the decision and move on.

Lol

Oh yeah maria.

Take a mans power in a mans world on an majority ruled male forum. You're doing well.

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I m not the one feeling threatened.
You sound to really need a cuddle.

Thanks guys ,please dont arque :/

I get what you mean maria .

When we go to bed she basically just goes straight to sleep without even instigating anything but on Monday she did want to hug me in bed .

Thing is I know she is still deliberating but she mentions about us getting another dog( bad idea I know ) but shows that maybe she is still considering the relationship .

I asked if she wanted to go out again this Thursday and she joked and said " is this our date night now ?" In a half joky sarcastic manner?

So plan is to continue presenting myself well, see my friends make plans with her now and then , don't try to be too intimate and just be a bit more thoughtful?

It's alright if she won't instigate something. From time to time it is nice to just cuddle. You are a couple after all. Enjoy the moment.
Release some pressure from having sex and she will start wanting it more.
If the next time she cuddles you she sees that you don't try to manipulate her to get into her pants she will start wondering what is going on. She will even ask. Then you will tell her that nothing is going on, you'll cuddle her more (in a nice calm non sexual way) and then she will start wondering and testing to see if you still feel aroused by her.
That's when she is going to start initiating sex.
The only thing you need to do is just to enjoy the cuddle. You don't even need to be an A-hole.
I agree with you. That's a good sign... but please don't let her have the second dog. It will be another obstacle for you to spend time together.
If you are serious about keeping her tell her that she can't have a second dog because you might in the future want to have children so how is she going to take care of them both? She will drop the idea in an instant.
Note *Please don't use this excuse if you don't have intentions to ever have a family with her. It can seriously hurt her a lot. I hope you answered her "yes that's our date. Dress sexy "... lol
That's a good sign cameroona. Even though she was joking/being sarcastic. No. The plan is to be the way you are at this moment... from time to time be your old self but not too much and take it easy with sex. Sometimes you need to take a step back to leave space for the other person to fill it.
If you can find the book "what you feel you can heal" by John Gray have a quick look. Google it and see what are the stages of a relationship.

The "Plan", is not to get all jumbled up or advice and steps 1, 2, 3.

The "Plan" is to reclaim your manhood. For LIFE.

One of the biggest turn-offs to your girlfriend is indecision. As a man, you need to learn how to make decisions. Too many men are stricken with the disease of indecision in their lives. They let HER carry them through their lives. This lack of initiative gets heavy, and boring.
I would Flip this ....

"We are going out again Thursday, and we'er going to __________, So dress sexy, NO panties!"

Seduce your woman Bro.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

This.

And go read Corey Wayne's book 3% Man, you need to reclaim your masculinity for yourself and also for her to feel comfortable and safe with you again so she can be in her feminine.

Thanks for all the replies again guys .

I have downloaded the 3% book and currently reading my way through it and have to admit it is very interesting .

A couple of updates one morning before work I tried to hug her in the kitchen and she seemed to really not be into it .

Last night we went for food and some drinks then went home , she proceeded to take pictures of dresses to show her friend what they are wearing tomorrow night , eventually she sat on the couch in the living room

We have an l shaped couch and I guess over the years we have developed our "places" which in retrospect are opposite sides completely . we got along pretty well on our " date night " so I put a movie on and asked of she wanted to move over and sit next to me . the reply I got was " I'm OK chilling here " .

Perspective is not looking good me thinks. Although she was constantly brushingnher hair behind her ear when we were out and making good eye contact are those signs of interest or just familia

Please please please for your own sake read the book. And then read it again a few times till it really seeps into your subconscious. You're not coming from any masculine energy, a woman sense this. She needs comfort and stability from her partner and this can only happen when he's in his 'masculine'. Take a day out for yourself, go read the book free of distraction. Journal a bit too it's always a good way to reflect on your behavior, you don't need to do it here and get a multitude of contrasting opinions it will likely only create more confusion for you and only influence you to seek externally for validation that your'e doing the 'right' thing.

You are continually looking to her for reassurance. She doesn't want this, no woman does. When you're connected to yourself again, you're centered, she'll sense this and only then u'll notice like a cat, the woman will come around and seek-out your attention. You can't feign this or do it as a means of winning her back. It must come out of an energy that you're doing it for yourself so this is more about treating yourself properly. Interestingly enough, that's what the woman wants too - she doesn't want you placing her above your own needs (though she may suggest to the contrary). Rather, she wants a man to be able to take care of his own needs, to know how to please himself and be his own person without relying upon her.

Hey N2, maybe I'm missing something? Isn't he in the position he is in right now because he was taking care of HIS needs ie his sports and leaving her home in the first place? I mean, from OP's words he took her for granted and did his own thing...I'm not seeing where he neglected himself. Maybe I'm missing something that was deleted. It sounds like OP focused on himself, and the advice now is to continue focusing on himself. That's fine, but I'd think it would just push her further away and he should know that if that's what he did originally. Is the problem boredom or he's become soft? Because I didnt read that he was soft or centered around her before. I like the advice here; but it's just not matching what I'm reading.