Hi Guys,

Been a while since I've been on here so lost my old account!

I'll jump straight into it.

I've been dating girl for a few months now and it's been going great however I havea nagging issue that I'm going to have ot confront.

I met her gay friend at the weekend and he's super forward. Within 5 minutes he started talking about 'python', how much he loves it and made reference to my gf loving it. I'm not insecure in that department but the point was he's ready to spill the beans on everything.

Anyway, made it through the rest of the night without incident, he got distracted by other people.

My dilemma now is that we're going away for the weekend with him so I'm almost 100% sure he's going to get into a big conversation about all of our sexual histories. I'm OK to tell mine but I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about hers.

From what I've read people seem to suggest to avoid this conversation with your gf because no good can come from knowing. However this is going to be forced on me. So I think I have 2 choices:

1. talk to her about her sexual history before we go away so there'll be no surprises. She can also give some additional background info to hopefully make it more palatable.
2. tell her and her friend that I don't want to have a conversation about my gf's sexual history

Would really appreciate any advice here. I found out my last gf had 20 partners while backpacking in the year before we started dating. I had thought confronting and accepting a gf's sexual history was the best way to get past it but honestly I think I resented her for that.

Why worry about her past if you find out? That's not going to change who she is today, so if you find out she's done crazy amounts of men or some real freaky, kinky stuff...you've already put your python in her and it changes absolutely nothing.

IMO, telling them that you don't want to hear it will bring insecurity to her. If you just tell him, he'll go back and tell her anyways and you'll get the same result.

This is about getting control of your insecurities.

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Thanks I should have said he is her friend and he already knows her sexual history... and he's going to inform me unless I say otherwise.

I'm not necessarily against knowing her sexual history, I'm just worried I won't be able to abrupt it (like my last gf).

If I go down down the knowing about her sexual history road... how do I accept it? I've failed at this in the past but I'm open to trying it again if there's a way I can get comfortable with it.

I understood that he won't tell you if you tell him not to. The thing is, that will make you look insecure and cause her to be insecure about you judging her. No one wants that.

My point is that stuff eventually comes out even if you stop him this time. You just have to be secure in yourself.

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How will you feel if you find out about her past? I mean, how will you feel about yourself, and how will you feel about HER?

Good question. How would I feel about myself?... I guess I'm worried if she goes into too much detail I might hear something that makes me lose some confidence and give me a hang up.

On HER... I suppose I'm still concerned that I held this against my previous gf and wasn't able to get past it, I lived with it but never got over it. At the moment I suspect my current gf has had about 12 partners... but if I was to find out the truth was 30 I could get hung up on that. I might prefer ignorance because I can tell myself 12, live with that and not be bothered by it.

How do you accept your gfs sexual history when simply confronting it wasn't enough in the past...?

Yeah but you didnt answer how you would feel about HER... what about how you feel about her would make you not get over it?

I admit I'm not the best person to talk about this stuff, just asking you to think about where your feelings are coming from. Are they coming from you feeling you dont measure up to other guys? Or does it come from you looking at her as a whore? 2 different things.

Personally, I don't find girls with who've had a lot of sexual partners attractive. At least for gf status. And yes, that's a double standard I guess, but I really cant be bothered to force myself to get over it for a girl, just because I've never met a girl like that who was worth the effort. I like what I like. And I'm of the school of thought that you should do what you want as long as it still works for you. It works for me. I find enough girls who fit my criteria. If it's because you're not confident, you can work on that...FOR YOURSELF. For me, I dont feel insecure around a "slutty" girl...I just have one of those minds that would keep picturing the worse shit which turns me off. If it were me, and I'd fallen for a girl who I suspected had a past like that, I'd have told the friend I dont want to hear that shit. It's not so much the past, but I wont want any one, even a girl's gay friend to talk about my gf like that. And I wont want a gf who talks like that. Same way I dont talk old sex stories with my guy friends around my gf. Its crude imo and disrespectful when your partner is there. I assume gfs have done some wild stuff before, but I dont like hearing about.

That's just me though and how I see things. How you view female sexuality is your own thing. If you're insecure about measuring up to her old partners then maybe someone else here can offer good advice.

Agreed. Also agreed that it's not classy to be droning on about such matters. Let her and her gay friend have the locker room convos without you. It would show you have standards that you don't discuss these intimate details with certain people.

I'm sure she's probably been being with a guy with a tool the size of a baseball bat and her best sexual experience may have been with some other guy... and I'm perfectly fine with that so I don't think my concern is coming from feelings of insecurity.

However the idea that she may of had more partners than me would bother me... guess I'm insecure about that. I think that would make me view her as a bit of a whore.

I would also view her as too slutty if she had sex outside of relationships (excluding a few 1 night stands). I've always been comfortable with gf's having sex within a relationship. As you say double standard but it is what it is.

Part of my concern is that I think the more sexual partners a girl has the more she's likely to cheat on you down the line. I'm not a jealous person but I think this is the reality, I guess there's less of a link between sex and the person you have it with the more partners you have.

My thinking (at the moment) is to talk to her about her sexual history before the weekend. If it comes out in front of a group of people she won't be able to sugar coat it or provide context so it could be difficult to hear. If we chat 1st I can control the conversation.

For the LTR I do need to find out how sexually promiscuous she's been (outside of relationships) and if she's ever cheated.

I can still tell the friend not to discuss my gf's sexual past in public (if I want to). Once I talk to her first it will set boundaries for appropriate behaviour rather than coming across as weak and insecure.

It comes off as weak and insecure to allow yourself to run willingly in to the gauntlet of another man running a conversation thread you don't approve of, let alone intimate details of your gf's sexual history that you don't want to hear. The other option is to man up and shut down the convo thread if he starts it.

If you have a good bond with her already, nothing you say about your sexual history can mess things up.

Have you slept with her already?

And why do you care what her sexual history is?

She's with you now. What's the big deal?

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Chris
Dating Strategist
https://structureofdating.com/

Come on man, it doesnt come off as weak and insecure to say "I dont want to hear that." Like if he starts saying, "Hey Jen(or whatever your gfs name is), remember that time with those guys that night..." you say "hahah, come on...I dont want to hear that." You can even say it in a playful matter. I'd say it the same way as if a guy at a party started talking about his rash or something. If your gf and her friends are that dumb to think you hearing her sexual past is some turn on for you.... Look man, weak and insecure is allowing someone to make you hear something you dont want to. And pretending like you're ok with it, still keeps him the leader of the conversation if you're talking about power.

At the party of whatever, you dont want to hear about her past, and you dont want to talk yours in front of your gf. Simple. If he wants to start a dick measuring contest, are you gonna join in because others are? How are you gonna control the conversation by knowing beforehand what she did? Are you gonna jump in with details on who she has slept with? Like "Yeah, she said that guy sucked in bed haha." That's silly. Be able to tell someone that's not the shit I want to hear or discuss. And if your gf is worth shit she'll back you. Doesnt have to be a scene or a big thing.

Not at all. It's about having healthy boundaries with people.

"Not really interested in her past dude, and out of respect to her I would think twice about sharing this sorta thing without her consent"

Done.

If he's any sort of a friend of hers he needs to learn to STFU anyway.

So now its framed as you respecting her - after all what woman would want her friend or anyone for that matter going on about her sexual history to someone else?

OK, I thought I should give you guys an update on how things went.

The short story is her friend behaved himself of his own accord. Probably because we didn't end up having a lot to drink.

I had planned to shut him down if he did bring it up. It's inevitable he will in the future so I'm sticking with that plan. I agree with you guys that you're not being prudish or insecure if you shut down a conversation about your gf's past sex life.

I did however talk to my gf about her sexual history, not the gory details but just her LTR's, whether she was promiscuous and if she ever cheated. It was very natural with me guiding her to reveal info rather than interrogating her.

A friend had told me she cheated on a previous boyfriend but it didn't add up. Basically she was hooking up with a guy before and after she dated another guy (but definitely not during as it was geographically impossible). Her friend is very religious so for her this was cheating. As I said I was drawing out information so she had already provided details around dates and relationships so I had my answer before she knew there was a question.

As long as she has never cheated and wasn't banging lots of guys I can live with the rest. She's 26 and has spend 6 years in LTR's so even assuming she let her hair down for a few years I certainly wouldn't classify her as having a slutty past.

... now I just have to try get over the 1 or 2 details she let slip around casually hooking up with that guy for a few months haha! I didn't need to hear that but I'm focusing on the why rather than the what happened i.e. shes a girl, girls need sex so hooking up a few times a month while waiting for a relationship is only normal.

The only reason I disagree with this is because she may be comfortable with her history and their history as friends may have already provided consent.

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