Tuesday 07/28/2015
Woke up and ran to the grocery store. No girls. I guess that's how it goes at 8:30am.
Went to work. I'm trying to uphold my goal of talking to one new person per day. Today I met a few of the interns. Nice kids. I took them to Starbucks. Told them a bit about what I do. Breeding the next generation of all-stars.
Then gym. Pretty solid workout. Again, I have a goal of talking to one new person each time. Today it was a Latina chick who was waiting and I invited to work in with me on the squat rack. She's married and her husband lifts here too, so it was completely plutonic, but I enjoyed talking to her. Very nice, sincere girl. I think that upping the plutonic interactions I have with girls lately has been really good for me. I used to have many more girl-friends. They are really valuable relationships.
That was it for the day. Rest of the week should pick up a little.
In the meantime, as promised, here is the escalation stuff I promised to post for Unfazed. When I've broken up the quote block, that's my present-day comments/additions. Remember, I wrote this about 2.5 years ago, so I'm bound to have some additional thoughts.
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The Complete Guide to Sexual Escalation
Escalation in the single most important component of game.
When you think about that, it makes perfect sense. Because game without escalation is simply friendly conversation. When we are with a girl we are sexually attracted to, we want clearly want to turn the context of that interaction sexual – even if its very subtle. This seems obvious, but many guys overlook it.
Escalation separates the guys that have satisfying sex lives from the ones that always “miss out.”
I use the words “miss out” very deliberately. Lots of guys are capable of getting girls attracted to them and interested in them. But very few guys are capable of doing anything about that attraction and interest. Their love lives become a series of “girls that got away” as a result.
I’ve said it more times than I can count, game is more about not missing out on opportunities with girls who are into you than it is about anything else.
And escalation is the key to making the most of those opportunities.
Further, because most guys are too oblivious or too scared to really escalate well, most girls have never been with a man who can escalate in a way that is natural and exciting. In this way, escalation makes you stand out from all the other guys that have ever hit on her and it creates that “spark” that girls so desperately long for.
I don't think I've mentioned this in this particular journal yet but I believe that you CANNOT create attraction. By the time you've been talking to a girl for 30 seconds, attraction is already there and it is a BINARY thing. it exists or it doesn't. This is because of the power of subcommunications, physical attraction, smell, pre-selection, and everything else that a girl uses to become attracted to you before you ever even open your mouth.
But... while you cannot CREATE attraction, you can certainly AMPLIFY it... and that's exactly what good escalation does. It takes attraction and turns it into horniness. Which is awesome.
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It is, in every way, the difference maker.
This is going to be a two-part article on what it takes to escalate your interactions with the girls you desire.
The second part will cover the actual things you need to do and say, and how to calibrate them to the various situations you will encounter.
But first, in today’s article, let’s take a look at the broader aspects of escalation: what it is, what the purpose is, and the mentality that must drive it.
So, what is escalation?
In the simplest of terms, it is sexual progression. It is the way that we move things – physically, mentally, emotionally – into a sexual direction with a girl that we are attracted to.
This doesn’t mean that the goal is always sex. Sometimes, as I mentioned in my One Night Stand Primer, sex isn’t necessarily a likely possibility. Other times, you or the girl may want to slow things down. Sex isn’t required, but sexuality is.
This is key. Escalation is mentally all about being comfortable with sexuality. You need to be a sexual creature. And that has to be true at all points in your interaction with a girl. Not just when you are trying to close the deal.
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That means that regardless of whether you are pushing for sex in that particular situation, you need to be progressing things. If you fail to progress sexually, you are creating a non-sexual dynamic between the two of you. You are not differentiating this from any other interaction.
So you have to establish yourself as an increasingly strong sexual presence to the girl and increasingly raise her levels of sexual compliance and excitement for you.
If you can stop yourself and answer yes to the question “Am I further along than I was?” in regards to those two things, you are escalating and you are doing a good job.
No matter what strategies you are using, what words you are saying, how smooth it appears, or how soon or distant the actual act of sex may be, if your sexuality and her sexual compliance are consistently being raised, you are escalating.
Compliance is a huge part of escalation. Because a girl won't take part in progressing towards sex until (usually) sex is close, you will be leading the way. So her investment is in the form of compliance. If she complies, she's investing. If she's investing, she likes you. Compliance is also your map. It tells you how to progress.
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The Three Required Mentalities Behind Successful Escalation
As in most other things in life, your success starts in between your ears. I believe there are three mindsets that are most critical.
Be the Initiator
If you read my recent article on kissing, you should understand some of the basic principles about “making a move.” Like kissing, the most important part of escalating well is simply taking action.
If you desire a girl, the onus is on you as a man to do something about that desire. Plain and simple.
Once you know a girl is interested in you, you need to step up and let her know that you value that interest, that you are interested in her as well, and that you intend on acting to make sure you both benefit from the mutual feelings of attraction.
Most girls will never take a large, if any, role in this progression. And that is exactly why perfectly interesting, attractive, desirable guys who do not actively escalate and progress often don’t have the sex and dating lives that they could. They are waiting around for moments that will not come.
If you have resolved to take action, you are on your way to success – regardless of anything else. As is often said, simply showing up is 80%. In this case, if you have a girl that is interested in you and you simply initiate and lead the progression, you are 80% of the way there.
Stay on Target
Once you are taking action, the second mentality that will keep you moving in the right direction is one of unshakeability.
Look, the path to the bedroom is rarely the smooth, completely fluid one that you see in the movies. You will mess up. You will misread something. You will push too far. You will push too slowly. The girl will deflect. She will respond poorly. She will begin to object. There will be an awkward moment. The unexpected will happen. Things will go wrong. But as the calm, confident, assured man that you are, you will remain unshaken and committed to achieving the mutually beneficial outcome.
If you handle these ups-and-downs by remaining committed to making things happen, you will be shocked at how often they amount to nothing.
This is what gives the girl the trust she needs to continue to allow you to lead and the confidence that she is making a good decision in following.
This is probably worthy of an article in itself. There's so much to this. Being non-reactive. Keeping your subcomms cool. Being persistent. The point is, this can be bumpy or awkward and you're going to have to keep going.
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Enjoy the Journey
The final mentality behind great escalation is that of enjoying the dance.
In many ways, escalating is one giant back-and-forth. You have to be able to build tension. You have to be able to enjoy the ever-changing pursuit. You have to let the girl’s emotions ebb and flow. And you actions must follow suit.
One moment you are going after her. The next she is responding and going after you. You guys are all over each other and then things calm down and it seems like you are “stuck.”
Many guys get frustrated at this, or even visibly angry. That is a surefire way to kill the girl’s feelings of trust and willingness that you have built to this point. She wants to be with a man that sees the fun in the dance. For a girl, this is the beginning of foreplay, learn how to make it a great experience for both of you.
Further, finding the pleasure in this dance – being completely content to allow it to linger because its fun – will allow you to become completely immersed in the experience and to stop trying to push it further and faster than it needs to go and to stop thinking about how you need to act and what you need to do.
Yes, the sex at the end of the journey is going to be great but the escalation is a wonderful experience in and of itself. Don’t get frustrated if it takes too long or if it seems like its too much. As a man, you want to “get to business” but as a lover, you need to learn to embrace the slow, smoldering, tension building way in which women prefer to be seduced. It can be incredibly rewarding. And the resulting sex will be much, much more enjoyable.
This is SO true. Once I learned to be completely present while with a girl and to enjoy this process of building tension and turning her on, everything about dating and sex became a lot more rewarding and enjoyable - for both sides.
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Those are the principle ways I think you need to view your sexual advances.
This is the foundation upon which all great sexual progression is built. Check back soon for the second part, where I will talk about how those things actually play out.
Onto the second part...
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The Complete Guide to Sexual Escalation (Part 2)
OK, let’s get right into part 2 of the escalation guide.
In the first part, we covered the goals of escalation and the basic principles that will make it more enjoyable and more successful for you – and for the girl.
Today, let’s talk about some of the actual things you can do or say to make it happen.
In terms of what you do, escalation comes down to three things:
1. Physical Touch
2. Subcommunications
3. Verbal Statements
Those things are good in isolation. Together, they are a very powerful thing.
Let’s look at them individually.
Getting Touchy
Physical touch is, for obvious reasons, the first and most important part of sexual escalation. Sex requires two people to be in complete physical contact with one another.
The sooner the two of you are touching one another, the better. And, as we learned previously, it is your responsibility to initiate.
It is easiest to view your touch in two classes:
• Sensual Touch
• Sexual Touch
Sensual Touch is socially acceptable touch between two people who are involved with one another. Whenever you see couples holding hands, putting their arms around one another, or making gentle, affectionate touch you are witnessing Sensual Touch.
When you are in a relationship or seeing a girl you have strong feelings for, this type of touch naturally flows out of you. It is one of the ingrained biological mechanisms in which we show affection.
But if you are with a girl and are still progressing things, you will be using it for other reasons: to show your interest in the girl and to get her comfortable with your physical presence.
In many cases, this is where your touching needs to begin.
Actually, I should have said in almost all cases, this is where touch begins. The only real exception is bars, nightclubs, and other high-energy places like concerts, raucous house parties, block parties, etc... Pretty much everything else will require this more subdued, sensual touch - at least at first.
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Sexual Touch is exactly what it says. It is touch that has a clear sexual message behind it. It is rougher, more aggressive, and it requires a lot of compliance. Examples of sexual touch include making out, kissing and licking the neck and ears, pulling the girl into you so you are body-to-body, grabbing the back of her hair, firmly grabbing her arms, pinning her hands against the wall, putting your face into her neck or in close proximity to her ears.
Obviously, this sort of thing needs a lot of compliance. That is why we can rarely start with it. In a bar or club, you can use Sexual Touch very quickly but in nearly all other situations, it is better to begin sensually and ensure the girl is comfortable with your touch and presence before.
When she is showing increased signs of acceptance to sensual type touching, you can begin to let a little more sexuality enter the physical dialogue.
Communicating without Speaking
The subcommunications you send are the next area you need to think of.
Things like body positioning, eye contact, facial gestures, and tone of voice can send very powerful signals. And the sum of these signals should be a message that says “I am here to change your life.”
Regardless of whether you are touching her or not, or what you might be saying, if you look a girl deeply in the eyes and subtly lick your lips, she is reading you loud and clear.
The key aspect of subcommunications is that they build tension and convey seduction. This is why subcommunications are somewhat “serious” in this situation. You want the girl to know you are serious about seducing her – that you are a man of action and you aren’t afraid to make things happen. Things like humor, laughter, excessive joking, and too much smiling break that tension and destroy the seductive vibe.
This does not mean you cannot do those things. They are part of the dance, but the overall subcontext should be that of “sexual guy” not “funny guy” or “social guy” or “cultured guy.” Those things have their place and finding the balance is key. The more compliance and receptiveness your escalation gets, the more you need to continue keeping a sexual undertone.
This is where a lot of guys screw up. Too much smiling. Too many jokes. Too "light'" in their facial expressions and body language. All of these things destroy the tension. Save the jokes for another time. When it's on, just be a fucking dirtball who wants to fuck and keeps the tension high.
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Again, progression is the critical component.
Verbal Arousal
The final element, speaking, seems to be the hardest one for most guys to implement. They place too much emphasis on the exact words or they think it won’t go over well.
As with many things in this context, it is actually very hard to screw up to the point of total destruction. You may have to backtrack, ease up, or even say you went too far. But pushing too far is better than not pushing far enough.
Similarly, and I am feeling like a broken record, progression is the name of the game. Verbal statements may start off very simply and innocently with something as easy as a light compliment such as “You look absolutely amazing tonight.”
Further on, you can expand on that theme and begin alluding to the effect it is having on you, in a reserved way. Continuing the above example, this may result in something along the lines of “You smell absolutely amazing tonight, its making it hard for me to concentrate.”
You are slowly but surely adding more sexuality and direct intent into your statements. Soon you can begin telling the girl that her lips are distracting or that you can’t stop thinking about kissing her.
From there you can start making some soft sexual references such as “You are making it very hard for me to keep my hands off of you.” Or “The thought of you and I alone together is driving me crazy right now.” Or even “You smell so nice. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I want to do to you.”
As you move into more and more forward statements, you can add touch and subcontext to further increase their effect.
This sort of thing can escalate all the way to pure dirty talk and vivid sexual descriptions. Once you’ve gotten that far, its time make your move and finish strong.
Putting it All Together – Tension Building
The final thing to think about is what I called “the dance” in the first part of this article.
You cannot just push, push, push. Sometimes you need to pull back. Sometimes you need to give her just enough to get her interested and then take it all away. Sometimes you want to be unrelenting. Sometimes you want to be aloof.
The combination of the three escalation methods I have mentioned here can create tons of tension and unpredictability. Each one can send a different signal and this can build enormous amounts of tension. Your words might be telling her that you are behaving yourself and have no intention of taking her home with you while your physical touch and voice tone are telling her that even though you are saying those things, sex is on your mind and you are starting to succumb to your desires.
Whatever you do, don’t be linear and don’t be predictable.
Sending mixed signals like this is super powerful. Things like saying something super sexual and then just sort of drifting off and looking in the other direction (while keeping a hand on her), are very fun and effective.
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As much as the guru’s want to give you a ladder or a sequence or a 1-2-3-Sex formula for escalating on a girl, the truth is that every girl is different, every girl responds to different things, and every situation is fluid and different from the one before it.
You must be reading the girls reactions and her responses. You must be giving her enough to keep her interested but not enough to cause her to react harshly. Is she very receptive, then push ahead for a bit and then create some tension by pulling back? Is she a bit reserved? Back up and slowly progress upwards again? The girl will always be giving you all the information you need to know what to do next.
From there, as I’ve said so many times, you simply have to progress in some way.
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Hope that's helpful. Any questions, fire away.
CHAT
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