Hey all,

As a start, I'm not a PUA and I don't really want to be.

Good for you. Seriously.

I occasionally read the forums and think some of the discussion are interesting, however today I feel I need to post one of my own and I need my fair share of (bad) advice. As a start - I am a guy that has a really high sex drive, with a select few woman - I need my "emotional connection" (I am demisexual). Ok, thats out of the way. Also, apologies for the long wall of text there is a TL;DR kinda at the bottom.

I'm currently casually involved with a LDR girl that I met about 6 months ago.

"Casually involved" and "LDR" = low commitment, or at least that ought to be the mindset

We had some really great moments together, I feel I really connect(ed) with her, I went to her 10 days ago and spend a really great time with her but I am doubting the relationship at the moment.

Translation: "I'm becoming more invested". And as a result, if you are any sort of a healthy human being you're becoming more vulnerable - hence the fear

As a lot of people here will say, LDR never works - and to an extend I agree, I need an exit plan etc. But that's not the point of this post. I mainly mention LDR because it causes me to have some sort of "trust issues".

It CAN work if both parties are mutually invested and are working toward a common goal. LDR in itself isn't causing you to have 'trust issues' - that's a cop-out. You can have trust issues with a local girl whom you see every day. If someone's going to cheat they're going to cheat, LDR or any other. For more see here http://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat

I'll just say the current situation, she has been in a bad mood most of the last week and I am fairly sure it is not my fault (more on this next paragraph). I was trying to be super sweet yesterday and basically got told "I don't want your rainbows and glitter right now" - disrespectful ..

She's using distancing behavior. Your overtures were obviously not well received. Why? you're trying to 'fix' - its the way males are acculturated. Good opportunity to resist that urge. When you try to fix another's problems, especially when it doesn't concern you (we'll presume for the sake of argument that it doesn't) then you are actually disempowering them. Allow a person to own their pain, I know its challenging to resist the urge to fix, but the reality is you can't fix anyone but YOURSELF. This is where some space is needed for the other person, otherwise you get into that co-dependency sorta thing which can turn toxic quite quickly.

Being a caring, curious guy, I asked her what was wrong only to get told I shouldn't be digging into her relationship with other people (I think because I asked what was wrong, not because I feel I have been doing that). I told her I am just trying to comfort her and be there for her at which point she said I should leave her alone after which I told her she can talk to me when she realizes I am not being the problem (yeah, OK - that's not nice, I was somewhat annoyed). I messaged her today a short while ago, just a short "hey" - no response but she saw the message.

To add injury to insult you infantilized her AFTER she's already clearly irate at your previous attempt to fix. But really this has nothing to do with her, or long distance relationships. This has more to do with being MORE invested in yourself than you are in her. Right now as the Edward above noted, you're suffering from a bit of Oneittis. I don't want to get caught-up in exploring this as I don't think going out and gaming other women is the solution. This is about TRUSTING yourself (not her or anyone else for that matter). And again as Fews noted above, the simple fact you're coming here looking for advice (validation really) is that you don't trust yourself and the bodily reactions you're getting. In reality those are cues that something is just not right - what I surmise is that this has a lot more to do with personal boundaries, AND being cool with yourself (trusting in your experience) more so than anything else.

Boundaries in a similar situation will look like this:

you: "I'm here for you. You know you're so special to me blah blah blah"
her: ""I don't want your rainbows and glitter right now"
you: "Ok. I have some things to tend to so we'll chat later."

Two things to note: 1) do not try to FIX - this would have probably prevented the conversation from turning defensive on her part, and you feeling dejected. So, next time with anyone just empathize with them instead WITHOUT trying to fix. Practice with everyone around you, not just women. Not only will you be staying more present with them, they'll relate to you better and show you their vulnerability more - this is essentially in building and maintaining strong rapport with people.
2) IF the person is already on the defensive, such as with the situation above. KNOW when to peace-out. That is, do not hang around anymore to hear one more word than you're willing to take. Just end the interaction, and you don't have to give some sorta long winded explanation - just that you have other things to tend to OR you can tell them that you want some space to yourself for whatever.
3) Never do something out of obligation, EVER. You fed her compliments and such with the expectation you'd get something in return, and likely she sensed this. You feel deflated, you felt she had an obligation to be all cheery from your sweet caring words - that's not GIVING out of a gift energy. If you want to learn more about this lookup Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication -its a life changer.



Now .. there is this other guy, interested in her super obviously, who has been hanging around her and has invited her to come to his place (and she has accepted) on multiple occasions. To give her a small break here, her home situation is REALLY bad. She always described him as "just a friend". However, when I was with her there was an evening during which he messaged her all the time and she was giving him attention and not me. I calmly told her afterwards I didn't like that and I made it clear that I didn't like the guy followed by sex. I do know she saw him after I went back home and I am fairly sure he (or the combination of us ..) is what is causing her terrible mood. Honestly, I wish I could just contact the guy and ask him what is going on (between them).

We don't know the extent of their interactions. But going back to personal boundaries, I'd NEVER stick around if my partner was hanging around a guy who KNOWINGLY liked her - that's a very dishonest interaction and while your partner may know where they stand with the person, I find it very disrespectful towards myself and even to the other person since its a form of leading-on (it's not like his feelings will immediately disappear and he won't be vying for opportunities with her). The fact they hangout is GROSS (to me anyway), but if you're ok with that then do your things. OR, are you simply minimizing everything she does because of the pedestal you may have put her on? be honest with yourself - if you read of another poster on this forum stating something similar how would you respond?

I really like her, but right now it just feels like a pain. (I even have to post on PUA forum, what the fuck!) And obvious by this post I'm losing trust.

TL;DR:
So .. time for advice.

1. I reached out to her, I think that's mature enough from me - despite it just being "hey". Is there anything else you advice me (not) to do right now?
2. I don't like this friend. In a way I have to believe she has not had sex with the guy and she has given that impression (she does acts like we are exclusive and we used to be quite open about this all), but honestly the way she is currently acting I cant help but wonder WTF is going on. I mainly find it really disrespectful that she still talks to and meets up with the guy despite knowing I don't like him. I want her to stop talking to him and especially stop sleeping over at his place - how do I bring this on?
3. Assuming the above does become better - I mentioned we are casual. She has said a while ago that she does not see us as boyfriend/girlfriend but I do want this to become more than casual. How do I initiate that "conversation"? I feel that if she doesn't want that at all I might as well move on.
   
   I dealt with an ex I had reconnected with about 8 months ago, she was resistant to calling us a couple and said didn't want a relationship anytime soon, with anyone especially an ex she had such a toxic relationship with. It never sat well with me, and I had increasingly begrudged MYSELF due to the decisions I was making - I woke up one day, grew a pair and ended it (thank god!!). So, that said...do you REALLY want to be with somebody who dangles a proverbial carrot in front of your face whilst telling you no to being in a relationship? Often someone will use the "we're not in a relationship" but show contradictory behaviors as a way of holding on; there's comfort in familiarity even if that familiarity is highly dysfunctional. You do realize she has an out in terms of 'cheating'/seeing other guys as she can rationalize away any guilt she may feel in that she's clearly not committing to you. She sounds like a mess to be honest, and you're tolerating quite a bit. It's a slippery slope and heed my warning the more you SACRIFICE, the more u'll lose of yourself, the deeper the hole u'll find yourself in and the longer it'll take to climb out.
4. Just general, say what you think - but try to keep it somewhat positive. I know its easiest to say "break up and find the next" and I am sure that works for (some of) you, but it doesn't necessarily work for me.

Actually it works for everyone, male or female. This is just some BS You've told yourself. You're holding on, clearly and I'm quite sure u'll let yourself get dragged around in the mud some more before something more drastic happens - e.g. she 'cheats' on you or dumps you first. Hate to sound so pessimistic but the picture you paint doesnt sound promising in the slightest.

I bet between you and this girl, distance wise there are probably a good 10,000 women in your demographic. Maybe of that a hundred or so potential dates...still further probably of that 100, 10 or 20 potentially great matches for you - cool chicks, fun chicks, not frumpy girls...girls who you're attracted to who'll reciprocate and u'll enjoy each getting to know. But no, instead you're hung on some girl who isn't even your girl, and worst still you can't even hang with regularly as she's not even in the same place. Your choice.

Thank you,
Kind regards

Hey Eddie Fews,

Thanks for the input. I do agree with your post. My gut says something is very wrong. Agreed on that I have to give her space (as also mentioned by n2thevoid)

You said "You have to leave her to recognize your worth on her own". I don't know how I have to understand this ; in a way it seems you say break up with her, but not completely? Could you clarify what I would do? (as mentioned again in the last paragraph of post)

Thanks!

You gotta go with your gut man.

Really ?

I find that the idea behind helping most people is to help them break out of old habits and develop new ones. The "gut feelings" many people have, unless grounded in experience, can be very misleading.

This is not a ldr.... Yall aren't together. I don't know if she is being dishonest with you...because she's not your girl so she may just be being discreet. Dishonesty would imply she was in a relationship with you and was seeing someone else. But she is not committed to you in the first place.

I don't agree - I describe this relationship as "casual" due to how she calls it - and I do think that is a problem. But I feel by the way we interact with each other it is not. We have discussed loosely in the past and she has been giving the impression that we are just "loyal to each other" right now - which is why I assume nothing happened with "other guy".

You guys are on different pages. She calls it casual and that defines the parameters. You call it an LDR because of how you feel about the relationship and the impressions she's giving to you. You are ignoring facts and making things up in order to call this a relationship.

I don't agree - I describe this relationship as "casual" due to how she calls it - and I do think that is a problem. But I feel by the way we interact with each other it is not. We have discussed loosely in the past and she has been giving the impression that we are just "loyal to each other" right now - which is why I assume nothing happened with "other guy".

Eddie Fews - Thank you for clarifying. She's been messaging me a bit today, but not a normal amount. In general I feel she's just reaching out a bit but still feels "meh" ; I'm just being patient while doing my own stuff.

Anyway, following my gut-feeling I still have a problem with that she sleeps over at other guy at times, that he manages to ruin her mood somehow (and after her throwing a tantrum at me, I am curious why/how) and that she is unwilling to acknowledge us as more than casual - not just to me, but in general (aka, to her sister/friends that I met).

I think this gut-feeling is normal (giving the situation), so - (when) do I bring these topics forward and how do I do it without causing her to just act mad again?