I just got out a 3 month relationship with a girl I'm crazy about, she's super hot, super cool and so much fun to hang around with. However I've felt insecure and unhappy throughout the whole time we were together.

The relationship or at least the intention of it was really serious. We saw eachother 3-5 times a week, met eachothers parents, friends, talked about future alot, etc... (she is 27, I am 30).

She broke up saying she wasnt ready for this serious stuff and that she was never constant sure about me and that she didnt thought it was fair for me.

Let me sum up the good and bad things;

The Bad

- It felt like she couldnt actually give love (cuddling, intimacy, making love was really hard for her. She had to force herself doing this stuff)

- She wasnt really in 2 me. Meaning that I had the feeling that everything was about her, about her having or trying to have a serious relationship. I dont think she has any idea about who I really am.

- She wasnt really there for me. For example I gave up smoking in that time, the first days I was really agitated and instead of being there for me she kinda just ran away from it.

- She has a drug and alcohol addiction. She had the habit of using cocaïne at least once a week, and in general just couldnt say no to anything if somebody offered it. She gave up the cocaïne habit during our relationship but did that for me, not because she really wanted it. In the past she had periods (over 10 years) of heavy drug abuse.

- She was really unstable, Always in a different mood. And her energy system was really effected by this.

- She had some serious bad previous relationships behind her.

- She can't deal with expectations. She completely blocks and rather runs away. Which is pretty bad If all I'm expecting is just normal (for me) in a serious relationship.

- In the 3 months we were together we made love twice... all the rest was just fucking (with a lot a times it felt really raw, without any feelings present).


The good


- She's smoking hot

- We really matched (on every aspect execpt for the love giving/making/sharing)

- We shared the same life goals and opinions

- We really like eachothers parents and friends

- She really is a good person

- She really tried and did make progress

Some background info about her;

She kinda got outcasted as a child by her parents, and had an aggresive father. When her parents finally divorced she ended up on her own and got in a lot of destructive and drug related situations...

Finally I think it's important to say that i'm sure she didnt play games with me but sincerely wanted this to work...

She also told me I was seeking her confirmation 2 much, had 2 much expectations and pushed her away doing this...

Can someone explain to me why I'm so drawn to this girl? I was so in love with her... Still miss her like crazy and would go back to her without hesitating if she asked it... And it's not that we had some "legendary completely lost in eachother moments together" that serve as nostalgic memories. She basically didn't give me anything... so why am I crazy of her???

Does anybody have a similar experience?

Can I fix this girl?

Could I get her back?

I really need some understanding before I will be able to close this for myself...

If this is the case.. How could you logically think that you should renter yourself into such a relationship? Either you aren't fit for it, or she isn't fit for it, but you guys certainly don't belong together. At least now right now. I'll quote some advice below that I gave to another forum member recently, I'm sure you can gain a lot from it.

"Bro..

Theres really no point for me to give any extensive and/or elaborate advice on this situation because I believe to your core you know better than this. You express yourself really well, so I know that clearly have the intelligence to see what going on right now you're just allowing yourself to be clouded by your emotions. I felt ashamed reading that, but it was also a look into the past for me. I actually experienced the exact same situation about 5 years ago. Her name isn't Natalia is it? I was dating my next door neighbor too man and pretty much experienced the exact same things that you wrote about in this story. Its almost completely identical.

You do have to understand that as a man you have to be better than your emotions. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean you have to act upon it. What would happen if you didn't go to work every time you didn't "feel" like it? You wouldn't be able to provide for yourself. What would happened if you punched every guy you felt like punching? You get where I am going.. Love is an emotion just like fear and anger is an emotion. And just because you "feel" it, doesn't mean you are suppose to act on it.

This relationship has become a drug. You're addicted to the highs and so you keep chasing them, even though the consequence is destroying you both mentally and emotionally. And drug addicts can sometimes damage themselves to the point in which they are unrepairable. I don't think you want that.

You've become addicted to the high amounts of dopamine and oxytocin your body secrets when she's around you, being affectionate, touching you, and fucking you. This is a chemical bond that exist only within the realms of your own mind. You have to be better than this.

Back in my relationship I began feeling like I wanted to have a child with girl. So I was trying to (it was unsuccessful thank god), but once the relationship was over I ended up reading some book that stated that when a guy has unprotected sex with a woman multiple times the body begins producing a chemical that triggers a signal in the mans mind that makes him want to procreate with the girl. Its natures way of keeping the population growing. So I didn't actually want to have a child with the girl; I just "felt" like it because of the chemical reactions that were occurring in my body at the time.

So I now how have the wisdom to filter through my emotions. When I feel like having a child with a woman I know it is not me. It is just the chemical reactions in my body. If the situation is healthy and fitting I can act on those emotions but if not I have to be better than my feelings.

And this is what you have to do.

This is completely unhealthy bro. And you're not some idiot so you know this. You and her have both become completely emotionally unstable and by continuing to be around each other at this rate you guys will destroy each other.

Smarten up man. I wrote and article on WayOfThePlayer called "Going Through A Break Up? Read This Now" you can check that out for a bit more foundation on why you need to avoid this situation right now.

Stop being a victim to your emotions. You've already felt this shit just before meeting this girl. Its the emotion inside of YOU, there is nothing special about the girl.

Testosterone nullfies oxytocin which is the chemical that bonds you to the woman, so if you really want to begin healing and breaking the bond I would do some research on this so you can do to begin building your testosterone.

Things like "Cold Showers" " No masturbating" "A Chance of Diet" and so forth.

Wake up bro. You're not some idiot. You know she's not fit to be with anyone, and under these conditions you aren't either."

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Ok ... go back and read everything you said about her... Your dream girl has a drug addiction and is emotionally unstable? The first time I get a woman that flips out on me for no reason, it's a major attraction killer. Not sure how you dealt or put up with that. There are girls out there with level heads!!

Come on man... No one (OR GIRL) is perfect!! Your putting the pussy on a pedestal!

She's no "dream girl" trust me.

3 months? No worries bro, you'll get over her quickly. Good outside and there's "dreamgirls" everywhere you look.

Hitting the gym and reconnecting with friends and family might be a good idea.

Things for you to consider:

-You are too obsessed with her physical appearance, so you always list her beauty as her first positive attribute.

-You think you can "fix" her when you are an addict yourself. You cannot.

-You expect a true relationship and deeply emotional intimacy within 3 months of dating. Listen, regardless of what your moral beliefs are about premarital sex, you are irrationally expecting the impossible. People get married for 10 years and find out shocking new things about each other e.g. horrible crimes or habits. But you expect it all in 3 months. The girl will obviously feel rushed. Use common sense.

-"She wasn't there for me". She is not supposed to be "there for you" when you are grumpily quitting smoking. And how are you expecting a cocaine addict to help you with your smoking problems? A man leads the relationship. Unless you have decided to be some kind of loser, you need to set the example for her. She doesn't take care of you, you are the stronger individual in the relationship.

-If she does not judge your "bad previous relationships" then it is not your place to worry about hers. If she does not worry about your family background, it is not your place to worry about hers.

"She also told me I was seeking her confirmation 2 much, had 2 much expectations and pushed her away doing this..." As I told you above, this is correct. You are expecting too much when you should be the one leading.

You're drawn to the girl because she is just like you. It's fairly obvious. Seriously...

You can probably have her back. But not with your current ways. I think you simply need to evaluate yourself, go back and let her know that you understand in detail what went wrong, and she will probably reconsider.

Thanks for the replies guys. Helps me get through this.
@younglady

Your insights are quite interesting. Can you explain some more what you mean with me and her being the same? Is this something you experienced yourself?

I did get obsessed by her, I think you could call it an addiction...
I was constantly seeking her confirmation, although she said she was constantly giving it,, it didnt feel that way for me... It didnt feel real, couldn't feel real love coming from her. It was like she was in love with me on occasions while I was continuously completely convinced of her.
I also just put her on a pedestal and made her come first on every aspect in my life... my life was like waiting for her to wanting to hook up and putting everyone and everything else on hold.
I know that's sad but it just happened. Fell for her like crazy!

How will I be able to turn this around if I should ever want to get back to her?

When you want to hunt a deer, do you ask the deer or the hunter?

Wise up bro.

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You don't. You will always be hurting YOURSELF in this relationship. Leave while you still have some shred of dignity. She will never, ever, be fully in love with you. So it's best to find someone that will be.

What makes you conclude that?

This girl has been emotionally distant because she was never IN LOVE with you in the first place.

You caught feelings for her because she never gave you 100%, and people crave those relationships when they have the up and down rollercoaster where someone doesn't fully commit. They're trying to chase that goal of "getting" them, when in reality it will never work out.

She's not into you, she has a drug problem, she has serious emotional issues, and then she broke up with you. Believe me brother, recipe for disaster. You should be happy that she broke up with you quickly before causing you any more emotional pain. There are times when it simply isn't worth it, and no matter what you do, you won't get this one, so the best thing to do is move on.

Loud and clear. But pretty hard to take

This has been playing in my mind for a while now, there are so many little things that she did, said and especially didnt do and didnt say that back this theory up. It's the only real logical explanation for what happened.

How can I prevent this from ever happening again?

I only read the thread topic and nothing else.

Advice: Give up. Move to Antarctica. She was the only cute girl on earth.

It happens. It hurts yeah, but as OceanX implied below, there are LOTS more fish in the sea. Watch for the signals, the unwillingness to commit, etc. The signs are all there, you just have to CHOOSE to watch out for them and be WILLING to move on if you get them. There are plenty of beautiful girls out there waiting, no need to get stuck up on ONE that isn't head over heels for you.

I simply gave you points to consider, since I might be able to see stuff you didn't see. No doubt you can see for yourself that both you and your girlfriend are in need of help with your problems. I'm not going to advise you to get with her or to leave her. You can consider the points I gave you, or not, and make a logical decision. Do you want to stay with her, and you both can try to "fix" each other? Or do you want to leave and get yourself sorted out? You have already decided you want the girl back. So, do what you think is best.