This is going to be a bit of a long story, and before I get started I want to say thanks for any feedback. My ultimate goal is to get this girl back, even though I know most would recommend not to get back with an ex. As I will explain the break up is almost entirely my fault. I'm curious if after explaining the situation if anybody thinks I have a chance to get her back. If so, I'm willing to put in all the work required even if it takes a long time.

She's a HB 8. I met her at my previous place of employment. She was in my training class and we worked together for roughly a year and a half and then she lost her job in October of 2013. I had always thought she was cute and liked her personality, but didn't ask her out because I was still attached to an ex whom I was determined to get back with. This girl, HB 8, even talked me through my situation with the ex and became my confidant in that situation.

In January I decided to take the advice of those who say dating around is a great way to get over one-itis so I asked HB 8 out. She said yes and we had an incredible first date. Things moved pretty fast and we became really close in just a matter of weeks. In the back of my mind though I was never truly able to forget about my ex. It was in May I told her that I still had feelings for my ex. Not only did I still have feelings for my ex but I wasn't sure that HB 8 was who I wanted to spend my time with. I was still talking to girls on FB, liking their pics, flirting with girls at work, etc. HB 8 had gotten into my phone, seen inappropriate texts to girls I work with, saw messages of admiration to my ex, and saw me liking all these girl's pics on FaceBook. I never even put up on FB that I had become officially with HB 8, EVER.

From this point on she began to resent me but she also tried even harder to impress me, and we grew even closer. I really began to forget about the other girls, but I couldn't convince her of this. Over time, between August 2014 to March of this year, the resentment started to come out in increasing frequency. She would have angry spells that could sometimes turn a little violent. She has an alcohol problem and sometimes she would yell, cuss, throw things. etc. We took a break for a couple of weeks in September because of the violence and I hooked up with another girl, this increased her resentment even more, but we got back together. We never became physical until one night at the end of March she hit me and I hit her back (I'm ashamed to say).

Things became really shaky after that. At the beginning of April one day she was drinking heavily and I remember I was hugging her legs on my knees telling her I loved her and we could work things out and she just repeatedly slapped me. She was throwing stuff at the walls and screaming outside in the parking lot of our apartment complex as loud as she could. The kids were there and this situation was scaring me so I snuck out my back door with my son, snuck around the building, and started my car. She spotted me and threw a glass vase at my car. I told her that night we couldn't try to work things out anymore.

The next day she explained that she was in love me and was sorry. She couldn't help the anger, she just wanted me to understand, but I still didn't. I told her that I needed time, and things had to change, and the violance to go away. I should explain now that our apartments were next door to each others. The day after she told me she loved me she moved a guy in with her. The following day she started dating a separate guy other than her new "roomate". They would be there, next door, literally all the time, and every night, staying up really late, drinking and doing whatever the hell they were doing. I was already stressed over all the fighting, but this was the worst.

It was literally killing me, I realized I had messed up by taking this girl for granted and never treating her like an actual girl friend. I was always looking for something better. I always partially wanted my ex back. But once HB 8 was gone I realized that I fucked up bad, I realized how much we had going on for us and how much she did for me. I had never been as compatible with someone, if I had I just treated her well things would have been great, if I would have just seen it. Nobody had ever worked so hard to make me happy. But she intuitively picked up on the fact I didn't appreciate her and moved on to this new guy. Still she would never say that she was officially his girlfriend or that they were a couple, instead she said she didn't know if she wanted him or me.

I started trying really hard to get her back, but all through the month of April I didn't get anywhere with her. Finally on May 1st, against the wishes of her "boyfriend, not boyfriend", I convinced her to go see the new Avengers with me. It just so happened the girl that I saw in September was going to come over to my apartment after the movie and stay the night. After the movie was over, the other girl showed up, and I knew it was driving HB 8 crazy. I had the other girl leave and I went next door and spent the night with HB 8, it was the first time we fucked in about a month and we banged for 2 and a half hours. It was great. But I couldn't deal with her still seeing that other guy right next door, so I moved to a new apartment a few days later.

After this we were sleeping together every two or three nights, but she was seeing this other guy too. Way back in January we had planned a "family vacation" together, and I was surprised that but she still went with me. It started May 12th, she went with me and did not tell her "other guy". We had a great time, she said it was the best vacation she had ever had. We were making love all the time. We get back from our vacation around the beginning of June and she tells me after two months of deliberation that she decided she wants to be with me, and loves me more than anyone she's ever known. She explained she wants a family with me. Less than 12 hours later she was fucking him again. I didn't talk to her for four days and I begin to get texts; I miss you, I can't stop thinking about you. A few days later she shows up with food, a few days after that she has him get his stuff out of her apartment and tells me she wants a family with me. She comes over, we fuck all night. The next after noon she is with him again. A few days later they make it FB official.

That was around the middle of June and I've only seen her a couple of times since then. Occasionally she calls me and we will talk for hours, sometimes she tells me she misses me, she sends me pics sometimes of her face. I deactivated my FB last week to try to create some scarcity in hopes she will miss me. My final post was about how incredible she is, I thought I'd finally give her that recognition she always wanted from me. She came over about what will be a week ago tomorrow and I rubbed her back and played with her hair and we just talked and laughed together the whole time. I creeped on a friends FB account and saw that just 30 minutes after she left that night her BF got on there and said "I'm so fucking pissed right now", and it was immediately after that her communication with me diminished.

That last night she came over, she was still maintaining that I'm her best friend and she loves me more than anyone she's ever known. She says she always wants me in her life, but I just want my face between her legs. She says that she's happy now and this is the first boyfriend she's ever had to reciprocate her feelings. She told me that she thinks she's in love with him and wants to see where things go but that she wants me to fight for her.

She messaged me today for the first time in about 3 days, once this morning and once just now, but I''ve not said anything back

I don't know, does this situation sound hopeless, what the heck do I do?

If anybody has read all of this, thanks for hearing out a desperate and love sick brother.

~Mike~

Jeez, there are so many red flags with this relationship and just confuses me why you put up with this shit. I know you're obviously in love but can you honesty say you're good with women in general?

I get the feeling you're just taking what you get and settling for 2nd best.

I would advise to move on and start a new slate. Get immersed with this and earn the ladiesman badge.

Not that answer you're looking for I know, but that's the best I got for you

_________________
USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

What's the ladies man badge and how does one obtain that?

Also, no I guess I kind of suck with women. I find them easily enough but I have trouble connecting with them. I guess even though shit was crazy with this ex I felt like we connected more than in any of my other relationships. It was my longest relationship at a year and a half.

U can't connect to others because u lack a connection with yourself

hence u wanting ur ex back, u convinced urself that the only way to connect to you is through her

Bro..

Theres really no point for me to give any extensive and/or elaborate advice on this situation because I believe to your core you know better than this. You express yourself really well, so I know that clearly have the intelligence to see what going on right now you're just allowing yourself to be clouded by your emotions. I felt ashamed reading that, but it was also a look into the past for me. I actually experienced the exact same situation about 5 years ago. Her name isn't Natalia is it? I was dating my next door neighbor too man and pretty much experienced the exact same things that you wrote about in this story. Its almost completely identical.

You do have to understand that as a man you have to be better than your emotions. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean you have to act upon it. What would happen if you didn't go to work every time you didn't "feel" like it? You wouldn't be able to provide for yourself. What would happened if you punched every guy you felt like punching? You get where I am going.. Love is an emotion just like fear and anger is an emotion. And just because you "feel" it, doesn't mean you are suppose to act on it.

This relationship has become a drug. You're addicted to the highs and so you keep chasing them, even though the consequence is destroying you both mentally and emotionally. And drug addicts can sometimes damage themselves to the point in which they are unrepairable. I don't think you want that.

You've become addicted to the high amounts of dopamine and oxytocin your body secrets when she's around you, being affectionate, touching you, and fucking you. This is a chemical bond that exist only within the realms of your own mind. You have to be better than this.

Back in my relationship I began feeling like I wanted to have a child with girl. So I was trying to (it was unsuccessful thank god), but once the relationship was over I ended up reading some book that stated that when a guy has unprotected sex with a woman multiple times the body begins producing a chemical that triggers a signal in the mans mind that makes him want to procreate with the girl. Its natures way of keeping the population growing. So I didn't actually want to have a child with the girl; I just "felt" like it because of the chemical reactions that were occurring in my body at the time.

So I now how have the wisdom to filter through my emotions. When I feel like having a child with a woman I know it is not me. It is just the chemical reactions in my body. If the situation is healthy and fitting I can act on those emotions but if not I have to be better than my feelings.

And this is what you have to do.

This is completely unhealthy bro. And you're not some idiot so you know this. You and her have both become completely emotionally unstable and by continuing to be around each other at this rate you guys will destroy each other.

Smarten up man. I wrote and article on WayOfThePlayer called "Going Through A Break Up? Read This Now" you can check that out for a bit more foundation on why you need to avoid this situation right now.

Stop being a victim to your emotions. You've already felt this shit just before meeting this girl. Its the emotion inside of YOU, there is nothing special about the girl.

Testosterone nullfies oxytocin which is the chemical that bonds you to the woman, so if you really want to begin healing and breaking the bond I would do some research on this so you can do to begin building your testosterone.

Things like "Cold Showers" " No masturbating" "A Chance of Diet" and so forth.

Wake up bro. You're not some idiot. You know she's not fit to be with anyone, and under these conditions you aren't either.

_________________
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Man... I studied the human body for 4 years and never heard this. But I have felt it. Thank goodness my testosterone is high enough to where I know that I should not reproduce with certain women.

http://www.avoiceformen.com/sexual-poli ... ttachment/
The need to attach (you're attached to this woman) is more powerful than our sex urge, and that's what you have here. But there is a clear pattern of unhealthy behavior. It's gonna be hard to let go...

Do you have other healthy attachments?

Mike, I'm going to be frank with you.

First the bad news:
-this is going to get much worse in all likelihood before there's any hope of it getting better
-the downward spiral you're on may alienate you from your friends as you're operating in an almost unconscious fashion, and your friends will distance themselves out of frustration/feeling of helplessness and witnessing the harm you're doing to yourself (likely already happened)
-the more contact you have with her the more entrenched u'll become
-u'll lose chunks of your self in the process placing her above and beyond all other things in your life
-the longer you stay connected to her the more control you lose over your own life and the more u'll second guess yourself

And now the good news:
-there's no greater learning lesson than experiencing failure, and at times that means hitting rock bottom (whatever rock bottom is for you)
-you get a chance to reflect, and rebuild (to a better version of yourself), addressing some of the glaring 'holes' that you've neglected to work on your entire life
-you can get in touch with your masculinity and understand what healthy boundaries look like and truly experience what its like to be in touch with that energy thereby ensuring this never happens again (immediate upside is you start living life for you and as a byproduct attract healthy people)

Some things you need to understand:
-your insecure attachment style is INFLUENCING you to remain tethered to this person in some capacity and it will cloud your judgment (this is emotional, not rational hence having people tell you 101 reasons to leave will fall upon deaf ears)
-you're addicted to a FEELING, or effect that's associated to her (in psychobabble terms, you've been conditioned/reinforced to this feeling with her being the conditioned stimulus much like the bell causing the Pavlovian dogs to salivate in place of the unconditioned stimulus, food)
-right now you're an addict - she's your heroin (or more accurately put, the feelings associated to her).

So how does an addict get over his addiction:

-NO CONTACT - you need to put yourself in abstantia - this means deleting anything social media related that ties the two of you, mutual friends (explain to them you're unfriending them so there's no 3 degrees of separation and it's only temporary), avoiding areas where you know she'll be (for the time begin, again), blocking her number and email (ya it is extreme but this is an extreme situation).
-Connecting to those around you - volunteer, walk a dog, hangout with close (positive minded) friends, a mentor whatever
-Connect to yourself - meditate (lookup Mindfulness Meditation on youtube, an audio book by Elkhart Tolle who speaks about being conscious/present), journal about how you feel (less so than the content of your day), give yourself an allotted period of time each day for YOU and only you - maybe you spend this time creatively making music, listening to it, going to a movie, a walk, fishing it doesnt matter SO LONG as its something you can immerse yourself in - DRINKING doesnt count, shopping doesn't count. ANYTHING that is simply replacing one addiction with another doesn't count. The intent here is to do something that helps you connect to yourself AND learn to be OK being alone (allowing that feeling to enter the room so-to-speak and giving it space to breath), rather than trying to run from that feeling - a nature walk is often a good place to start. Try some new stuff out.
-Connect to other dudes - this will help you get acquainted with masculine energy and be a 'guy'
-Be compassionate to yourself - ya you're going to have thoughts of this person, albeit quite often. This is normal and part of the grieving process. Eventually after time you will heal leaving a little scar, but the wound will have closed. Right now the wound is wide open and you're simply rubbing it by having any contact with her
-Take Responsibility - look back onto how you got into the situation, address any self-defeating/limiting thoughts that got you there. Once you take responsibility you EMPOWER yourself and this can lead to the fastest way of getting over someone
-Forgiveness - forgive your ex for her faults - she's her own person learning her way through the world, just as you are. She is flawed, none of us are above anyone else and she, like you, is repeating patterns she learned from childhood. She is on her own path, you are on your own path. Forgiveness does not mean being in the person's life, it just means accepting 'what is' and moving forward with your life. Staying stuck in hate/anger towards her will impede your progress forward. Yes, it may initially be good to push her away from you, but over time if you hold onto the anger it'll become caustic and eat away at your psyche - remember you love and/or cared for this person - why diss them?
-Start LEANING on Yourself/Stop looking externally for validation - this means being mindful of how you speak to people about your relationship. It also means deferring to people less for validation. One of the way people disempower themselves unwittingly is asking the opinion of others. What happens is they learn to become dependent on others for making decisions and then as a result less in touch with themselves. If I were to ask you should I continue with this new girl I'm dating or not, then I am doing a huge disservice to myself in not trusting my experience and going with that. Remember the adage "go with your gut"...well people become numb to what their gut is telling them, or even screaming to them when they look to others to make decisions for them.

By no means is this list exhaustive but in and of itself will put you well ahead of the game of moving forward with your life and reclaiming your power.

Just read your hole post.

This is just sick, she is just playing you all. Get the fuck away seriusly...