I am late 30's and she is early 40's.

Girl i have been seeing for 4 months, first two months were basically a fwb. I made it very clear I wanted more. She was slow to come around, and still is kind of distant in public. Fast forward to this past week. Ive seen her 4 times, stay over 1 of 4. Woke up this morning after an amazing night, made her breakfast in bed etc..Night before she was all over the map. hand holding, kissing me, talking about "us" and how much she wants to be with me.

after breakfast i went home, showered and met up with her later at a party. complete 180...distant very few words etc...but to all her other friends, hugs hi fives etc. I tried not to hover so i kind of did my own thing for an hour to see what she would do. When i came back by her way she apologized and asked if she has pissed me off or said something(she did, and thats why i left but i got over it and never told her she pissed me off. so as not to make her feel rejected.) she gave me a hug and a kiss and said im glad you back baby. Then back to ignoring me, not completely. Though when meeting her friends or as they passed by she only made a point to introduce me to one the rest i had to initiate meeting. Overall i felt very rejected and awkward(abnormal for me)

what i dont get is why she feels the need to hide what we are building, and or keep me at arms length in public. Behind closed doors...no holds barred full throttle bf/gf situation.

What was the reason she said why she doesn't want to get into a relationship with you?

her ex mainpluated her, lied, cheated on her basicly treated her like garbage. SHe knows i am different(and has told me so), but is seemingly still very hurt because of him.

Unless you're leaving something out here, that's a bit of a dick move on her part. Sounds like she's hiding you or is ashamed of you (I've had my fair share of "hiding and ashamed", having dated a lot of European chicks living in canada with their parents right out of college... It's a shitty feeling so I know what you're talking about).

Are you in a relationship with her or not? An "official" one... That's not clear to me.

If you are, then I would not be cool with the way she acted. She's great to you when you're alone and a piece of shit to you in public. That's a no go... If you accept it, she'll keep doing it.

If you're in a relationship - verbalize this in the most non-emotional, rational way possible. Don't get all worked up about it... It's important to make your position clear, though. It'll keep happening if you don't.

we spent the better part of the day talking yesterday and i did not have to bring up what happened. She eventually brought it up and apologized for leaving me hanging. I understand her reason, she was trying to promote her business. She seriously cant go out in public without seeing someone she knows or someone who knows her. it didn't make sense before and i think i was kind of being selfish and not thinking of her; only of my needs. Though we talked about a myriad of other things in the several hours i spent with her. I learned a lot about her and hopefully she of me. Part of her distance is being hurt by her ex, i can see it. Not in her behavior so much as how she lives her life. SHe is trying to keep up her social life and ignoring herself in the process. We talked about this and she did ask me to help her.

You guys are right, this behavior cant continue like it did. But how to hover without hovering? that's one i never mastered. Something new happened last night, she opened up to me like never before. Normally when i leave her house or she leaves mine its a good night kiss and a text to know she got home or i got home ok.
she called me, wanting to talk she almost didn't want to hang up she just wanted to hear my voice. Sadly im a guy and eventually passed out with the phone open haha.

thanks for your input all

This post sounds like it was a girl writing about her aloof boyfriend. You're making her breakfasting in bed? You wanting man? What the hell is going on? Lol

Seriously.

Why do you want more out of a relationship with a 40 year old? Its not like you can start a family. It sounds like you're so emotionally attached that you're not seeing this situation for what it is. Come on man.. You can have the sex, the affection, and you're freedom, but you're volunteering to give away your freedom? Make her work for it. Whats in that deal for you? You're just giving yourself away cheaply.

If you pull back a bit she'll come around. You just have to chill man, Sounds like you're over bearing and she's pulling away because of it.

Chill. Let her come to you. Because she will and thats how she wants it. Do rush to start throwing yourself at her. You've already slept with her. Now you take your foot off the gas a little bit. She'll push you for an escalation of the relationship when she's ready.

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I don't know from reading this if she did anything wrong. It's kinda vague. You say you met up with her at a party. Was it a party where you knew people there? Like a mutual friends thing? You say she didnt really speak to you. Some girls/people handle social gatherings with mutual friends differently; they seperate and do their own things and come back together. If this was a mutual friends thing, it's not so bad/rude...if it was HER friends' party, then yeah it's kinda rude. Then again, I know girls who will do this at their own social gatherings, ie leave you to introduce yourself and mingle because they dont like to feel smothered and like to see that who they are with can handle himself without her. From what you wrote, I dont know if she just acted like she didnt know you and left you alone, or established that you were an item and just did her own thing expecting you to do the same.

Reading between the lines, you being the one pushing for the relationship and making breakfast in bed and all that...I'd wager you're a bit needy and looking a bit too much into things. I dont know if she was rude; it's tough to get a read on a situation when the guy is already needy because it's tough to decipher the line between him being needy and her actually doing something wrong.

I really don't get the whole labeling and where to draw the line stuff... What difference does it make whether you call yourselves BF&GF or FWB? Does marriage even change anything? Does slapping a label on shit saying it smells good make it so? It's only in your mind that the label functions, and everyone will have a different perspective on what the label actually means.

The focus of anything (life in general) should be enjoyment. I think this even more so for relationships than anything. When I first got into this, I wanted a "relationship or GF" so bad I would do anything to just go on a date. Thank goodness once you have enough exposure to people you can realize that even the 'sexiest' bitch has flaws. I think by now you should know that it's just not worth the hassle if you're not happy, which sounds like it might be. Don't put yourself thru shit if it's not enjoyable!

The other thing I've noticed is anytime I ever bring up the "where we are" or have relationship discussions, you're headed for trouble. I mean, if she's distant sometimes, go off and do something else. You don't gotta be up her ass all the time. Distance is healthy for a normal relationship.