So since I'm relatively new at this, I've been reading a couple of books. Namely Models by Mark Manson and No more Mr Nice Guy.

Although I don't entirely relate to the second and don't fit the status que nice guy pattern, I do tend to make some "classic" mistakes. Anyway, I've found some core similarities between the two. Both seem to emphasize "honest living", "being true to your desires", "not caretaking for others" and most importantly "putting your own needs first".

I was almost horrified having some of the stupid shit I do being so accurately described to me.
For example, the girl I'm currently seeing (nothing serious - yet) and I go to the same gym.
So normally we talk, set a time, and I text her 30 minutes prior for confirmation. Almost without exception she'll be 30 minutes late. So what do I do? Every single time she'd say she'll be about half an hour late, and without exception, I'd postpone my schedule and alter my plans to fit hers.

Here's another example. We work together. I finish my shit in time so I can always leave at 17:30 with a good friend who'll drop me off close to where I live.
For the past 2 weeks I purposely worked at a slower pace, to try and match hers just so we can leave work together, by damn bus, taking me twice the time + the extra hours spent at the office. Again, sacrificing my own time for no discernible reason.

Last example. I need to go to the mall Saturday and ask her to join me. I ask if 16:00 is good for her, she proposes 18:00. Obviously I agree. And obviously she texts that she can't make it anymore and suggests we go tomorrow. Again I agree and tomorrow comes. Guess what? surprise surprise, she can't make it this time either. Legit reasons, but honestly that doesn't even matter.

I honestly don't understand why I was doing all this. Maybe it's due to some core neediness issues, or outcome dependency, but realizing these things came as a strong shock to me.

It had to stop. I decided I'll do a small experiment and focus on myself this week. So for the past 2 days I've been leaving work on time with my friend, hanging out with my roommates, not "stalk" her on fb, basically doing the things that bring me pleasure.

Anyway, yesterday she texts me at 20:00 asking if we're still going to the gym. I replied that I'm already there, since 19:30, like I said I would. She then sends a couple more texts playfully giving me shit for not saying anything beforehand. Instinctively I get the urge to caretake again, tell her that she can still make it, validate her joke, etc. Instead, I appreciate the humor of her texts, but since they didn't really invite an answer I just smile and put the phone back in my pocket.

I don't know whether I'm wrong or right, but focusing on myself indirectly resulted in focusing less on her, and I feel liberated. She even started chasing again, which I doubt is a coincidence.

Some perspective from the more experienced guys would be great here. I'm just discovering the power of setting boundaries so to speak, but for me it's still treading in the dark.

Are these some of the core qualities of an attractive male?

Hah, I honestly think those 2 books should be introduced in schools as mandatory material. Not even kidding.

It really all comes down to your intentions OP. If you're doing this to "get back at her", it will be just as toxic. If you're doing it out of genuine love and caring for yourself, then yes, it's supremely attractive. Women are infinitely more perceptive than men are, so your behavioral shifts will not go unnoticed. Her starting to chase comes as no surprise.

It's important to realize that the way others treat you is - to some level - a reflection of how you treat yourself.

Most guys tend to go from one extreme to another, but you seem leveled. So yes, be loving, caring and a great guy to her if you so feel, but do it with respect to yourself. In other words, don't give her more, nor less than she deserves.

Here's a few differences between a nice guy and a good guy:

- A nice guy compromises his time for selfish reasons. You're not trying to make her life easier by altering your schedule, you're just doing whatever it takes to be with her. For you.
A good guy will cut her some slack from time to time, if he can afford it. Because it comes with no cost to him, but will help her.

- A nice guy will buy an expensive gift to impress her. To win her over.
A good guy will buy an expensive gift only if he feels she's earned it. No strings attached. That's the point of a gift after all.

- A nice guy will sacrifice everything to be with her. But ultimately, he's not doing any of it for her, but for himself.
A good guy will at most meet her half-way.


The past 2 weeks you were a nice guy. Yesterday a good guy. The few examples above should make it clear as to why.

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