She wants to move together... I dont (yet)



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 3:08 pm 
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So I ran into quite a big problem the past few weeks/months.
After being together for 4 month my girlfriend came up with the topic of moving together. She said she wants me around all the time and she wants to spend every minute with me. Actually thats a good thing but the problem is Im not ready yet. But thats not the only problem. I think both of us are not financially ready for that. I told her that, but she was acting extremely bitchy and said Im just looking for reasons not to move together with her and she took it really personal. She went really cold for a few days and we decided not to talk about this topic anymore in the near future because it will basically end in a conversation and a fight.
Now 4 more month went past (extremely love filled and awesome months) and 3 days ago she brought up this topic again. And again I told her that its not possible now to move together and that we should wait with that. And again she got extremely pissed and took it extremely personal and said she feels like I just dont want to live together with her and that Im only looking for stupid and solvable reasons not to move together with her.
She now turned cold again and her behavior really pisses ME of to be honest. What would you do in this situation or what would you do to avoid running into this problem/topic over and over again?
I also think this might be a test. Because everything was pretty much perfect, lovely, love filled and just great and all of a sudden she starts a storm....


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 3:25 pm 
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Both of you live on your own?


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 3:31 pm 
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Both of you live on your own?
She has her own place and I still live with my mom. She would probably still live with her mom as well but she had to move because of her Job. So since about a year she lives on her own. I live with my mom and I basically support her financially because the flat is quite expensive. Thats another reason by the way...If I move out my mom has to move out as well and find something cheaper.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 3:55 pm 
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Both of you live on your own?
She has her own place and I still live with my mom. She would probably still live with her mom as well but she had to move because of her Job. So since about a year she lives on her own. I live with my mom and I basically support her financially because the flat is quite expensive. Thats another reason by the way...If I move out my mom has to move out as well and find something cheaper.
Well, views about moving in together so soon aside, seems like you have some valid reasons. If you've communicated this to her and she's still bitchy she's just immature.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 4:19 pm 
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Search for posts about guys living with their girlfriends. There aren't many that turn out good.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 4:40 pm 
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I mean I really love her and I do want to live with her one day. But just not at this particular moment in time. Once we both have a long distance and firm job its a whole different story. I just dont know how to handle this topic every time she brings it up because I know it will escalate to a fight and basically harm the whole relationship.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 6:33 pm 
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The more the time is passing the more often she is going to bring up the subject.
She wants to get married. It is not only about cohabitating.
So take a decision if you want to move on to the next level or break up.
You are already 8 months together. You have an idea who she is and if you think that she is the one.
If you want my opinion don't cohabitate with anyone unless you are married.
Just say the truth and let her take her decisions.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 11:04 pm 
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The more the time is passing the more often she is going to bring up the subject.
She wants to get married. It is not only about cohabitating.
So take a decision if you want to move on to the next level or break up.
You are already 8 months together. You have an idea who she is and if you think that she is the one.
If you want my opinion don't cohabitate with anyone unless you are married.
Just say the truth and let her take her decisions.
Disagree with the above. Especially the bolded part.

Getting so worked up over moving in together after 4 months is a red flag. Maybe mention it, maybe dream about it, maybe would like it...but to get so worked up over it?! This is a girl who will rush the relationship to an end. Living with someone and moving somewhere after 4 months? That's crazy. 8 Months? Still crazy. You're still in the honey moon phase. And if she is so immature and unrealistic as to think moving in and moving together after 4/8 months, or its not a good move anyway with your mom situation, its more of a strike to next her. Because if she is this unrealistic about moving in and your finances/mom, how realistic can she be when it comes to a marriage? If she is taking you being sensible personally, guess what...if you move in together and you're busy or working, she's the type who will take it personal that you're working.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 8:30 am 
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Quote:
Quote:
The more the time is passing the more often she is going to bring up the subject.
She wants to get married. It is not only about cohabitating.
So take a decision if you want to move on to the next level or break up.
You are already 8 months together. You have an idea who she is and if you think that she is the one.
If you want my opinion don't cohabitate with anyone unless you are married.
Just say the truth and let her take her decisions.
Disagree with the above. Especially the bolded part.

Getting so worked up over moving in together after 4 months is a red flag. Maybe mention it, maybe dream about it, maybe would like it...but to get so worked up over it?! This is a girl who will rush the relationship to an end. Living with someone and moving somewhere after 4 months? That's crazy. 8 Months? Still crazy. You're still in the honey moon phase. And if she is so immature and unrealistic as to think moving in and moving together after 4/8 months, or its not a good move anyway with your mom situation, its more of a strike to next her. Because if she is this unrealistic about moving in and your finances/mom, how realistic can she be when it comes to a marriage? If she is taking you being sensible personally, guess what...if you move in together and you're busy or working, she's the type who will take it personal that you're working.

I mean I really love her. From the bottom of my heart and I know she feels the same for me. But it just bothers or worries me sometimes that she has a firm vision or plan for her life. She wants be married, have a kid and live together with her man by the age of 30. We are both 23 now! I mean having a planed life is not a bad thing at all, but her behavior, especially when things do not go her way just immature. I feel like we should just enjoy our life and relationship for now and eventually one thing leads to another and everything will be just fine. I just want everything to happen naturally and when we both feel like it and not because I have to look and a lifetime plan and becaus I have to do this and that by the Age of 30. Thats not realistic anyways and I have certain goals in my life as well and she knows that....
Anyways, I think I should just leave her alone and let her bitch around for know and wait for her to come back. Im not contacting her right know because she was being really rude and I dont need that drama in my life. When she can be nice, loving and charming to me again I will be happy to see her again. Unless she brings up this topic again when we see each other :D


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 9:04 am 
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Quote:
Quote:
The more the time is passing the more often she is going to bring up the subject.
She wants to get married. It is not only about cohabitating.
So take a decision if you want to move on to the next level or break up.
You are already 8 months together. You have an idea who she is and if you think that she is the one.
If you want my opinion don't cohabitate with anyone unless you are married.
Just say the truth and let her take her decisions.
Disagree with the above. Especially the bolded part.

Getting so worked up over moving in together after 4 months is a red flag. Maybe mention it, maybe dream about it, maybe would like it...but to get so worked up over it?! This is a girl who will rush the relationship to an end. Living with someone and moving somewhere after 4 months? That's crazy. 8 Months? Still crazy. You're still in the honey moon phase. And if she is so immature and unrealistic as to think moving in and moving together after 4/8 months, or its not a good move anyway with your mom situation, its more of a strike to next her. Because if she is this unrealistic about moving in and your finances/mom, how realistic can she be when it comes to a marriage? If she is taking you being sensible personally, guess what...if you move in together and you're busy or working, she's the type who will take it personal that you're working.
Neo... the girl is just 23. She is not experienced. I could tell that she is young because a grown up woman would never argue with someone about marriage.
Eight months is not too early to bring up marriage. Most couples that get married the guy proposes around 8 months to 14 months. They usually stay engaged for a year and then get married.
That's the norm.
She is not thinking about his finances because hers are sorted out and probably she doesn't mind to be the main breadwinner until he sorts it out. That's the female way of thinking. Guys think things differently. You want to have already sorted out the things you want to do and then proceed into creating a family.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 9:28 am 
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I just want everything to happen naturally and when we both feel like it and not because I have to look and a lifetime plan and because I have to do this and that by the Age of 30. Thats not realistic anyways and I have certain goals in my life as well and she knows that....
I could go back being 23 I would have a lifeplan. I chose to let things happen naturally and it didn't lead me anywhere. So right now I am 32 and I have to have a lifeplan and time is ticking...
You are a man and time feels different to you. You don't feel any biological clock ticking so it doesn't make sense why a woman freaks out with these things.
Your goals might take forever to get accomplished and by that time she might not be anymore of childbearing age. That's her point of view.
I am not judging her and neither judging you for what lifeplan you chose. In my opinion she might have a plan for her life but she doesn't make the right choices if marriage and kids is her plan.
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Anyways, I think I should just leave her alone and let her bitch around for now and wait for her to come back. Im not contacting her right now because she was being really rude and I dont need that drama in my life. When she can be nice, loving and charming to me again I will be happy to see her again. Unless she brings up this topic again when we see each other :D
She will bring it up on the next 4 months and then she will give up. She will either move on to the next guy or give up her dreams. I know because as a woman that's what I would do.
I would do it though in a more subtle way. No drama. I would test the waters, set a time limit in my mind and then break up if the guy is not on the same page with me.
You can't wait for a man forever..


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:01 am 
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Eight months is not too early to bring up marriage. Most couples that get married the guy proposes around 8 months to 14 months. They usually stay engaged for a year and then get married.
That's the norm.
WHAT?! Im sorry but neither have I ever heard of that nor is this going to happen! In my opinion you just have to grow together as a couple first. Before even moving together! You dont marry someone after 1 year! After 2 years of being together you can think about moving together and after 4-5 years think about getting married. Thats how I see it.
And that would still be in her "timeplan" by the way so I dont see why you should rush....
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She is not thinking about his finances because hers are sorted out and probably she doesn't mind to be the main breadwinner until he sorts it out.
Wait wait wait....Just to make things clear and tell you a bit more of the backstory: SHE does NOT have her finances sorted out! We both work at the same company (not at the same branch office though) and in this company it is usual to give the employees a 1 year limited contract after you finished your professional training. And this contract can be extended 2 times. So you never know if they are going to keep you or if they sign you off. BUT when they extended your contract 2 times they have to give you a permanent contract. So both of us have a limited contract and all I was saying is that we should wait until both of us get a permanent contract so we can be sure we can actually pay the bills long term! Thats a valid and mature reason and way of thinking I guess!!
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She will bring it up on the next 4 months and then she will give up. She will either move on to the next guy or give up her dreams. I know because as a woman that's what I would do.
Thats pretty rude imo. Thats basically forcing your lover to do something and further more ignoring HIS dreams and plans for life just to make you happy as a woman. Sorry but Im sure nobody would do that!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:39 am 
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WHAT?! Im sorry but neither have I ever heard of that nor is this going to happen! In my opinion you just have to grow together as a couple first. Before even moving together! You dont marry someone after 1 year! After 2 years of being together you can think about moving together and after 4-5 years think about getting married. Thats how I see it.
And that would still be in her "timeplan" by the way so I dont see why you should rush....
I have cohabitated with my exes in different timelines. With my first relationship we were cohabitating almost since day one because we were housemates. I have also cohabitated after 3 years and I have also cohabitated after 4 months. It made no difference. Tbh I'd rather if I didn't cohabitated.
As an older person now I would avoid it until marriage because I can't be bothered changing houses if the relationship breaks. So I go for stability. Very few women will wait 4-5 years until you propose. Unless the woman is in her very early 20s when you met her she won't wait that long.
Take as an example myself. I am 32 and I want to find a husband. If I wait 4-5 years until he proposes I will be 37. That's too late to have kids. If I was 20 then to wait until 24-25 that would be alright but I still wouldn't be that happy because if the relationship wouldn't succeed I would be 25 starting over from the beginning.
So my cut off point is a year. If after a year I don't see any signs of commitment I break up and move to the next guy. I have the margin now to make one more decision. If it fails I will seriously consider becoming a single mum. That's it. I don't need a wedding anymore. It will be more hussle to have a man living with me rather than me being single.
Do you see my point?
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Wait wait wait....Just to make things clear and tell you a bit more of the backstory: SHE does NOT have her finances sorted out! We both work at the same company (not at the same branch office though) and in this company it is usual to give the employees a 1 year limited contract after you finished your professional training. And this contract can be extended 2 times. So you never know if they are going to keep you or if they sign you off. BUT when they extended your contract 2 times they have to give you a permanent contract. So both of us have a limited contract and all I was saying is that we should wait until both of us get a permanent contract so we can be sure we can actually pay the bills long term! Thats a valid and mature reason and way of thinking I guess!!
yes from a point of view that is a very mature thinking. However, you never have 100% stability in your life.
A compromise would had been you propose to her but you set the date for when you two have settled with work. She will accept this. But 4-5 years is way too long..
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Thats pretty rude imo. Thats basically forcing your lover to do something and further more ignoring HIS dreams and plans for life just to make you happy as a woman. Sorry but Im sure nobody would do that!
Nobody is forcing no one. He is free to follow his dreams with another woman. I am also free to want to settle down. If it is not him then it will be someone else.
Believe me I wasted 4 and a half years in a relationship that didn't lead to marriage. The guy was telling me to wait a bit more because he wanted to accomplish some things in life before he settles down. 7 years after the break up and while he was in his mid 30s he still couldn't see himself married to someone.
Do you think that I made the right decision waiting for him 4 and a half years?
I minimized my chances to get married. If women had to wait so long before getting married means that they would have had 4 chances before they give up. That's if she could find one guy after the other that want to settle down.
Who is forcing who to give up their dreams?


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 02, 2015 1:38 am 
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Maria, the guy is 23 and theyve only been together for 8 months. As you said, if 8 months is the norm, then the norm leads to a 50% divorce rate. He cant and shouldnt have to make a big step like this so soon. If he wants what she wants (kids by 30), he has time. Jumping into moving with someone let alone a marriage at 23 is not a good move imo. And she's not thinking it through and coming to him with a plan, she's coming to him angry that he isnt willing to move with her and leave his mom. I'd be more optimistic about her emotional maturity if she had come to him with a plan for their future than taking it personally when he doesnt jump at moving. Im between the 2 of you here, I dont think OP should jump into a big decision so soon, nor do I think her should wait 2 years to move in and 5 years for marriage. Op, if you would like to marry this chick one day, or its a possibility, then dont prolong it like that. Because you're giving her alot of doubts. Take your time, but dont wait around. If you really want to wait 7 years, just know this chick isnt lasting that long waiting. Ask yourself, how your timetable comes into play. Marriage doesnt equal kids right away. And it can give you more stability if it's about career goals.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 02, 2015 4:35 am 
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just communicate to her why you don't want to move in with her. whys that so complicated. lol. reason with her, don't argue with her. if you argue shell only try to resist more. if she starts to argue just tell her that she may be right, so lets look at the facts. let her know that you love her too. if you don't love her go move in with another girl and post about it on Facebook.. lol.


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