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It's okay. Out of 10, I would rate it a 5. Normally when I am throwing a DHV routine, I want the story to be about me. In your story, you aren't really conveying any DHV qualities other than you have an ex that models. She seems to be the center of focus of your story, which, in my experience, can actually turn targets off because it sounds like you are still stuck on an ex.
IMO, it's fine to talk about exes as long as you don't sound like you are stuck on them. I would maybe tweak the story to talk more about the cop and how he was being a complete suck-ass. And how you were like, "WTF?! Do we look like drug dealers or something?" IDK, it just needs to be tweaked to add some humor and make you the center of focus. Also, I would say that she was picking you up from the train because of something YOU needed. It would be another little DHV that your model ex would still be willing to go out of her way for you - you are that cool and high-value.
That's my two cents...
Yes make it look like the ex is willing to go out of her way for you and also make it look like you where the one talking the officer from arresting you. It makes you look like a hero! :>
Them make it look like you where only helping your ex out because your such a good guy and had nothing else to do.
Note that I am a newbie myself but this is what I would have done.