So I've been seeing this girl for much more than a year now, and it's been a roller coaster, like no other. Initially, things were going great, as they always seem to go, but then her male best friend began to cause problems in our relationship. Now, she's known the guy for a year before me granted, but the way they used to message and communicate was just not cool with me. He used to send her hugs and kisses, and so did she. Later, she told me that he actually used to like her at a point, which is not surprising, cause the guy's a complete chode.

So naturally, this didn't sit down too well with me. She used to meet him every Thursday, and they used to go for rides on his bike, and watch movies/eat icecream together. First, she was hesitant, but gradually, she moved away from the guy. Yes, she did end up hiding it from me a couple of times, but those occasions were few and far between. Time passed, and I had to move all the way from India to the UK for my studies. The ldr was tough, but she by and large, stayed honest to me. She lied twice about him, but admitted it both times. He was completely out of our life. We still had trust issues, though. Both used to ask each other for constant snapchats, to prove where the other is. Then, disaster struck. I ended up lying about a lot to this girl, and she completely lost it. In a moment of weakness, I had called for an escort, while studying in the UK, though things didn't get out of hand. She found out about my ways, and ended up tearing my passport. This led to complete pandemonium, and it took a lot of time for things to return to normal. I eventually ended up leaving the UK, and coming back for her, because she just meant that much to me. Since then, things were going great, and we were happier than ever before.

Two days back though, I began to suspect that she was talking to that dude again, and confronted her about it, albeit with humour. She blew her fuse and ended up saying a lot of stuff which provoked me. I lost it completely and called her a million times, shouted on the phone and called her residence at 3am. She went berserk the next day, and threatened to cut things off with me. I tried to reason with her, but she basically gave me an ultimatum- Let me talk to my male best friend, or leave my life. I just cannot imagine my life without her, and so I agreed. This is making me feel terrible though. I know how he is, and he definitely tries to brainwash her against me. He still likes her, and I fear that with his presence, things will never be the same between me and my girl again. I love her a lot, and she makes me happier than I've ever been. I just cannot imagine his presence in her life though. I really worry how it will affect things between me and my gf. I said yes at the moment, but am dying from inside, thinking of how terrible my life will be with them meeting like earlier again, and enjoying together.

She says that he is like a brother, but if that was the case, he wouldn't like her. I'm in such a dilemma. Should I break off with her, and prevent long term pain? She does want to marry me eventually. Or should I not care about the guy, and just be the same chilled dude I normally am with her. I make her laugh like no one else, and our sex life is pretty good. I really hope he doesn't spoil those aspects of our relationship. I just wanted things to remain the same, with him out of our life, but I blew it completely. My friends tell me to leave her, but I just can't, she makes me so happy sometimes, and I have nobody else either. I just sit at home in India, and meet her. I hardly have any friends here. What should I do? I know I am coming across like a real loser, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now!!

Why dont you want her to hang out with her male friend? Curious

He's just extremely childish, and constantly bitching about me. I feel like he tries to pull her away from me, and she is extremely naive. When she starts talking to him or meeting him alone, she just gets extremely involved, and I don't like her hanging out alone with a dude, who I have a huge problem with. I've not been used to it for a long time now, and it'll be tough for me to accept his presence after so many months of exclusivity with her. I don't understand this ultimatum of- Let me meet him, or leave me. Is it because I acted like a chode, and it ticked her off? Why does she want him again? I am extremely attached to her, to the point of clinginess. So is she. His re appearance in her life, will be extremely difficult for me to handle.

Why do you deal with this dumb crap? You know there are tons of good looking girls out there that don't do this. I wouldn't put up with that and you shouldn't either. Lieing to you about spending time with dudes means NEXT!

_________________
My Boss Idols: Harvey Spector(Suits), Daniel Craig(007), Toretto(F&F)

Now she wants to be open to me about him and meet him? Is that ok? I don't understand this concept of a 'male best friend'. I've not been used to it in this relationship so far, and she wants to introduce this element once again. Breaking up feels so tough, cause I'm so attached to her!!

At the end of the day. Her hanging out with him bothers you. I'm not saying whether it should or shouldn't but it does.

She knows this. But she doesn't do anything. This means that she does not care about how you feel and has no respect.

I quote you

"I just cannot imagine his presence in her life"

"She gave me an ultimatum"

"Should I break off with her and prevent long term pain ?"

I think your problem is that you are too reliant on her for any sort of happiness. This is very unhealthy.

I suggest you break up.

There is a good chance that you won't listen to this which is fine because then you will learn from your own mistake. But for the love of god don't marry this woman.

Both of you are too immature for a serious relationship, and yall definately are not fit for a long distance thing. Break it off, find other girls.

You need to get to a place where her having a guy friend isn't a big deal.

I held back a response but this is exactly what I was thinking. Also anytime your gf is that naive or influenced by people its a sign to find a new one.

You really think low of your girl. That seems to be the root of the issue.

I have male friends too that I send hugs and kisses but that doesn't mean anything. Male friends are around to help you understand your bf or to talk about things your bf isn't interested in.
Almost ALL male friends are sexually interested in their female friends. There is always that vibe on the air. Women, we aren't impressed by it. We know it and we are ignoring it. It is just an ego boost.
Your gf told you that this guy used to fancy her to make you jealous. If there was something going on from her side she wouldn't have told you.
She used your jealousy to take the upper hand in your relationship. And it seems that it worked well. That's where you had to have a female friend to do the same. Some people have to have the shoe worn on the other foot to realise how their actions come across to other people.
In her mind she was doing nothing wrong talking seeing a friend. Because she was not doing something sexual with him she was feeling that you were controlling. If she was seeing you though seeing your best female friend alone every saturday she would had been upset.
Your jealousy was giving some more emotional glue to their friendship because she had something extra to talk about with this dude. So at some point she got annoyed by his behaviour and because he didn't mean much to her she stopped being interested in meeting him. The times she met him behind your back was only as a reaction to your jealousy. She was doing what a teenager does when the parents are too strict.
If you were more laid back and would have female friends too she would have behaved in a different way. Check out how her behaviour changed when you moved away and the pressure was removed. She didn't sleep with anyone else and she got jealous when the tables were turned. If she lied to you about that friend was only to either make you jealous again and turn the tables one more time OR/AND because she didn't want to risk losing you.
This experience shows that at times she behaves badly if you mirror her behaviour she will stop.
Any other method won't work. You should always keep an eye maintaining the balance if you continue being with this girl. Bad move. You let your insecurities take control of you. Humour or not confrontation is still confrontation. People don't like it. If you have expressed your dislike about something and the person continues to do it you chose non verbal methods. One of them is withdrawing your attention the other is mirroring the behaviour.
When you get suspicious and jealous you are handling your power to the other person. It is like you are putting them on a pedestal. It is like talking about bad behavior kids. If they can't get positive attention they try for the negative attention. The opposite is no attention.
Do you understand what I mean? Can you see now what happened there? She instantly got the reassurance by your behaviour that she is the important one in the relationship. That's why she threatened you for a break up. She was in a position of power and you were the weak one. You were chasing and she was the prize.
Keep in mind, the relationship is not a gift that she gives you. It is something that belongs to both of you. If she doesn't care to break it, it shouldn't bother you either if it is broken. Ask yourself, why is she the one threatening for a break up while you could have been the one threatening for a break up after she was the one that was not behaving and was lying to you?
She was the liar... why you were begging? That's DLV from your part.
You should know when to react. This is because you invested a lot in her. Why did you sacrifice your studies? Your future should always come first. If this relationship is over you are left with the choices you make. Before you take any major decision always think how your life would be if you were suddenly single. Would you be happy? Would you be able to turn things around and get what you want? If not then you are not taking the right decisions.
He can't brainwash her against her. That's just your mind playing games on you. And if you follow your insecurities you might end up at the end with a self fulfilled prophecy.
If he was as good as you say and if he fancies her and she fancied him back they would have been together a year before she met you.
Instead of being with him though she chose to be with you. This means that in her eyes you are better and she is attracted to you. Nobody is forcing her to call herself your gf.
You mention that you are not happy if she is not around. This is not good. Happiness is a state that comes from within us. For your own good and for a more promising future with her or even with a new girl in the future you need to work on being happy without the need of anyone.
It sounds to me that you don't have anything else exciting in your life that's why you think too much. The excitement you have about life or even about a hobby is contagious to the people around you. Be passionate about something. For example I took archery as my hobby. I was passionate about it and it made me more attractive to everyone around me. They liked to be around me to feel my vibe of happiness. Even if he likes her she doesn't like him.
If you are sure that she never slept with him you are just overreacting.
Tbh, every time I was with a man and he flirted in front of me with a woman or he had a female friend that she was that close I was always making friends with the woman. It made me look higher value, it stopped the game of the other woman, I was in control of making the other woman find someone and I was indirectly observing the situation without coming across as insecure.
So stop being the way you are and make friends with the guy or just create your own circle of friends. No. You should focus working on yourself. If you find a new woman you will have the same problems with her. You just said the problem: you have NO friends and you are only meeting her. Go out and MAKE friends. It doesn't matter where you are. A social person can go out and talk to people. You don't have to make close friends and BFFs. You just need to speak to people. Don't discriminate anyone. Just talk. Talk even to older people. Older people might have grandchildren or someone they know and might introduce you to people of your age. Just talk to people.
The ones that are more like you they will come closer. If you want to meet more people see if you can go to an activity, a social gathering somewhere that people meet up and get to know each other. Pick up sports. I don't know how things work there but you get the idea. Don't sit down at home and get depressed.
The weather is better there than in the UK. You can go out more often. The least you can do is go out for a walk.

I'm with you that a guy having a female best friend is very weird for a guy, especially if he is straight. Having said that I think if she has communicated to you that they are just friends and the guy is in fact a "chode" and she has been honest with you throughout, then you have to ask yourself, do you trust her?

Many will tell you to "next" but like you said you have been with her for a year, which makes it difficult and also unreasonable to just simply next and move on. By this time in your relationship you should feel comfortable talking to her about nearly anything. So communicate to her like the sensible adult male that you are, about your feelings on her best guy/gal pal and talk it out. Maybe after the conversation you feel more at ease about the situation.

Why is it weird? It's only weird if you're insecure with yourself.


A secure guy wouldn't have an issue with his woman having a close male friend. If you're insecure about your women having male friends, chances are you have an extreme lack of trust in the relationship.

What are you going to say?

"Hun, you can't have male friends" (ultimatum)
her: "Why not?"
"Because, they all want to bang you, Im a guy I know."
her: "They've never tried before, even when I was single...so umm, ya and you know what I've known them before I even met you"
"Well you're just naive, its only a matter of time"
her: "Ok? So lets say you're right and a guy friend of mine made a move on me. Wouldn't you TRUST me to keep a boundary with that person? I am a grown woman I can take care of myself and say NO to someone"

Trust issue. IF you take issue with a woman having male friends either you're dating a scandalous girl you know you shouldn't be trusting or you have trusting issues stemming from earlier relationship and/or your childhood. It says more about you staying in a relationship where there's no trust more than anything else. Some counselling may be beneficial.

I'm saying its weird from my perspective for a guy to have a girl as a best friend, just odd from my point of view. I agree an ultra secure guy wouldn't have a problem with it, even if the guy friend has feelings with for the girl. This however does not sound like what we are dealing with.

is the guy objectively better-looking than you? is he taller than you? is he funnier than you? is he more popular than you? is he dating one of her friends? do her friends find him attractive?

those are the only reasons you should worry about him. one of my gf's best friends in town is a spindly, geeky, very cool guy who roomed with her in college. i encourage her to hang out with him because it satisfies her need to hang with other guys without posing a direct threat. he's not actively trying to turn her against me and he's a genuinely nice guy.


again you can be secure as you want but if you let your gf hang out with a guy who is attracted to her and is physically or socially superior to you, you open the door for some serious problems.

_________________
You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

odyn you have two main choices: to worry about something that might happen or to enjoy life as it comes and not to worry until you have something to worry about.