There is this guy i was seeing for a year. He seduced me by telling me that he wanted a relationship but as soon as i started dating him he revealed that he had another woman on the side and he still had feelings for an ex gf that they broke up 8 years ago (and lost contact).
To cut the story short, he has told me that he can't have a gf because he was hurt by this girl. I dumped him of course and he started texting me. At some point I couldn't take any more txt messages and I told him that the only way to get back together was if he was agreeing to be in a relationship. He accepted but couple of weeks later I found out he was still visiting the woman that he had on the side (the other woman found me and told me). So I dumped him again.
He was annoying me again though with txt messages. I was at a weak time that I lost my father so I gave in, talked to him as a friend and he seduced me again. But this time I told him that I wasn't going to go on holidays with him unless we were together. End of holidays again an argument and again a break up. This time I didn't speak to him over 3 months. Txts all the time. I told him it was his last chance. Around 3 months later same thing.. he could not remember that he had agreed to be my bf so I told him to leave me alone and that I was going to date other men.
So I did find someone new. I was supposed to have a second date with the guy so I was excited and told one of our common acquaintances. In 2 hours time after I said that girl this guy removed me from facebook and never explained to me why. So later in the day I received a message of that first guy telling me that he found out that I found a new man and that I should remember that he is here for me to protect me. That he loves me. I said to him that I was looking for a real relationship and whatever happened between us points out that we will never have what I want.
I don't want to lose mates or change my phone number again and blocking him on facebook is pointless. I do love him too but I don't know how to break his game and find peace one way or another. As soon as I try to move on he bothers me.
If anyone knows what to do with him except from "disappear from planet earth" advice I would appreciate it.

No disrespect intended, but you sound like the weird person in this. Why would you give a guy an ultimatum to get into a rs, especially one you had a nother girl and was still not over his ex?? Then the back and forth? And let's be honest, you told your friend about a SECOND date with a new guy date to rile him up. There are so many ways to cut contact with someone; block, unfriend, free apps...if this is some problem for you you're playing some game with the guy still.

Hi Maria,

I don't think your ultimatum was responsible for this guy not wanting to commit.

I say this because he doesn't sound resentful (keeps coming back) - I think he is just seriously hung up on the ex - And there's nothing you can really do about that... It's either that or he is just really sour on relationships these days.

If you were a guy on this forum I'd absolutely tell you that you've got oneitis and you're not ready to boot him from your life - even though it's probably what would be best for you in the long run (it seems like his inability to commit to you is preventing you from moving on - so you're both just stagnating.)

I'd tell you to block him, unfriend him and do what's best for your future (cause really - what are you going to do? Wait for him? It's been 8 yrs). I'm not sure why you say that isn't an option for you.

I can't tell what you want from this post, as you've said you don't want that type of advice. Do you want him back and to make him commit to you? What's the ideal scenario, here?

Are you only looking for the advice you want to hear?

You have actually helped me before by commenting on one or two of my questions/threads - so I'd like to actually give you some useful advice instead of just advice you want to hear. From my perspective, if you wait for this guy, you'll be waiting for a long time...

If you care about him THAT much, why not just be with him on the "non relationship" he prefers. It's not what I would do, if I wanted a relationship, but given the parameters of your question, it's the only thing that might make sense.

I understand your confusion. I left some things out to make less complicated to understand the whole image.
First of all when I returned back the first time the girl on the side was in a deportation centre. And when she found me she was already deported. That means no chance they would meet in less than 7 years.
The ex had moved on 8 years ago. She is with someone else for all those 8 years and she has given up on him. She has stopped all contact. It is all in his mind.
So you understand why I didn't see either of them as a threat.
I didn't know what else I could do other than express what I wanted from him and let him decide. You can call it an ultimatum if you want.
About the friend... The friend is more of my friend and she doesn't like him. So we started talking she asked me about valentine's day so I told her. These two supposed not to talk to each other because they almost hate each other.
On the other hand I am no different/better than any other PUA that want to get the girl. I want this guy I just don't want to be the girl that he only sleeps with for this period. I told him the truth.
I don't block him because I still love him. I don't initiate contact though.
I don't know.. maybe I am weird and you are right.
I am only continuing flirting with a new guy now and avoid talking to this girl. I don't want to hurt.

thank you for wanting to help me. I really appreciate it.
The problem with this guy is that he has many options. He has lots of girls that would sleep with him without commitment. He can have as many FBs he wants and he can pick up even more women. He is not successful or handsome. He has the right social network and charisma.
Girls of his social network throw themselves on him. It is madness..
I think the ideal advice would had been if someone could offer a suggestion on how I could make him commit to me. The other option I know it well but I am waiting to find a job first before I change my number again. Also I think it is a good idea to change it after I have scanned which guy I am going to keep so I don't get any future phone calls from guys that want to flirt with me once I decide to settle down.
I know that if I stay in the non relationship that he offers I will be just like all the rest. I ll either gonna get what I want or I will move on. I can't handle open relationships.
I know because I had tried in the past with other guys plus I have feelings for this man.

Why would you want someone to be with you because his other main options are away? As I would tell a guy...where is your self esteem?! You're being assertive but from a desperate place. You're telling him what you want, but hoping to get way less than someone you deserve. It's simple really...he doesnt feel the same way as you do. So move on. Theres a line where unrequited love becomes neediness and desperation. Don't accept a guy who is still hung up on his ex. Don't accept a guy who doesnt want a relationship with you if thats what you want. He's never going to commit to you. Maybe one day he will, but not to you. I've done the same thing to many girls, strung them along, then settled with the chick I really want. And many dudes who get girls easily do this. Play around with a few chicks, wife the one you want. It's harsh, but true. And the chicks who actually got to move on from me were those who picked themselves up and blocked me so I couldnt get them back. That's what you need to do. Because he's just gonna play with you, fuck you and never commit. You dont need to change your number, just block the guy. For whatever reason, you're not his first choice. And the more you keep hope for him you'll lose out on finding the guy who actually sees you as their first choice.

Now that we have more details... +1

Sorry Maria, but this entire paragraph is completely accurate.

Not blocking him and saying "I'll change my number" is just an excuse. It's so easy to boot someone from your life if you want to. It can literally be done in seconds.

i didn't think id ever see a girl on this forum. wish she did a better job explaining everything but its ok, i got it down. i read your post but i didn't read what other posters said. so this is purely my opinion. i think he's seeing that other girl because he's insecure. he wants her to be around if you dump him and you to be around if she dumps him. if he told you there was another girl involved then he likes you, he's trying to demonstrate his higher value to you. especially since he's getting needy when you ignore him, that screams that he likes you. if i was you id tell him that you like him and that you wanna stay with him for a really long time. tell him that he doesn't have to have another girlfriend because you'll be there. tell him that he doesn't have to try so hard, just tell him to be natural. if that doesn't work then i don't know what to tell u as to moving on. because i haven't studied how guys think in terms of attraction unless you using ss or a hypnosis based form of seduction. offer sex, thats how u get a boy to like u. lol.

This is a big gamble on your time and emotions since you don't want to move on away from this guy.

For men whom a lot of ladies like, you should be able to offer something more than sex. Enroll in a culinary school for a short course and then cook your man (nothing fancy) a hot and palatable meal that he can't get from any fastfood chain. Do this as a predictable routine (for instance after good sex with him) and refrain from nagging him. Just keep silent when he's around and listen intently to his stories.

I used to work for an engineering firm and there's this married guy who's a known womanizer (he isn't discreet). One day, she left his wife to live in with another woman. Every time he visited the kids though, the estranged wife cooked him a hot meal, gave him a massage and prepared his towel whenever he took showers before sleeping. She never nagged him nor confronted him about his infidelity. Less than two months living with the mistress, the dude got back with his wife and dumped the mistress.

Treat him like a human being that needs nurture and care and he's yours. The problem with a lot of women is that they treat their men as objects (as an SPAM machine first and a sex object second) and their orbiters even worse (as a slave first and as an SPAM machine second). Separate yourself from what the hordes of women are doing and you'll keep your man.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

hmm things are not exactly like that. As I explained in a post above, the other girl is only in the fantasy world. There could be others as well that are unknown.
It has to look like it is HIS idea to want long term.

You are right this is why I started flirting with other guys. If I meet someone that I feel better connection and he wants to commit to me I won't hesitate to move on.
This is true.. in other cases I had managed to use charisma to capture someone's attention. Usually I attract them by creating a happy vibe and encourage them to unlock their inner child.
With him this is impossible. There is a limitation in what I can do to create excitement if the only places he accepts to visit is his house and his mates house.
I managed to take him to a museum and three times for a walk. I created memories that can work as emotional glue at times that he is willing to walk away but there aren't many. As soon as he feels that he develops some sort of feelings he blocks it by creating an argument out of nowhere.
For example I was holding his hand and we were walking and I said to him " do you remember the first time we walked here?". That was just to bring memories from the past and make him feel more romantic.
So instead of feeling more romantic he started talking about the other woman. I tried everything. I tried stayed silent, I tried to change the conversation .. nothing worked. I found out that when he throws a tantrum out of nowhere to just laugh it off or just closing my ears with my hands. After 10 min that he was talking alone he would shut up.
He had that attitude at any time that he was feeling he was getting emotionally closer to me. So I adopted the attitude to use earplugs and close my eyes. That was the only thing that worked and break his game.
I also started talking to him like his was a little child when he was behaving like one and was throwing tantrums.
It was working last time I saw him.. at a point that every time I was applying this he was asking me to stay for an extra day at his place until we reached 2 weeks and I put my foot down and went home. He even suggested that I find a job close to him and stay for a couple of weeks with him until I was sure that I had stability at my job.
He changed though as soon as I went back home. He went into the not calling mode. That's how we got into the final argument. I wish he was that easy! First of all he doesn't like to eat..
I know how to cook. He only let me 3 times to cook for him. All three times he ate until he couldn't eat anymore, he was stealing off my plate and asking me to put another plate for him.. but then the next day he was telling me how he likes his microwave meals.
I gave up cooking for him and I was cooking for myself.
He could not complain about the massage. He was having massage all days that I was with him. He always considered it my responsibility to give him massage while he was watching TV.
So at some point I stopped because he was not appreciating them. Then he started complaining and I started giving them to him as a reward. That worked better.
And about infidelity.. if I was not nagging him he was pushing the boundaries to see how far he could get. If I was nagging him or punishing him by mirroring his behaviour he would stop. Well in his case women don't treat him like that. He has women that would be happy to go around his place, clean it and then get "paid" with sex (his saying). That's how he got me cleaning his place. If I wouldn't do it someone else would do it. And believe me it was not an empty threat. He proved it couple of times in the beginning with the side girl.
So at first I complied to it but then I realised that if he was going to do the cleaning that then maybe he would have a clean house to bring another woman and impress her.
I stopped cleaning and told him to go ask one of his options to do the cleaning for him.
I never used him as an SPAM machine but he tried to use me as an SPAM machine. It didn't work because I know the games. He stopped when I infront of his family refused to give him 50p and called him a gold digger and revealed to them his games.
So next time to visit him he paid my ticket. I got nagged though which I faced with a big smile.
I sticked to my guns until it went back to 50/50 balance.

Everyone tried the good girl approach. To stand out I need to be different and make him earn things.
The problem isn't that though. I can do this.
The problem is that he always promised relationship only to take it back couple of days later. Maximum time that I kept him in the relationship was the last time. He did his best though to keep me at an arm's length.

It appears that you're sucked into the thought of winning versus the competition. You can try getting your competitive high via other activities like sports or your career.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

I should. You are right..

I'll start off by saying that this dude is no good for you and that you should find a better dude if you want to save a ton of time and stress. You will never, ever be able to trust him and he'll always have girls on the side. He's just that type. You'll never change him.

I know you're going to ignore all of that, but seriously: NEVER marry this dude. And for the love of god NEVER have children with him.

Anyways, since you enjoy hurting yourself... the way to get him hooked in this situation is jealousy game. I guess you overlooked how quickly he came back when he heard you had another dude around. That should have tipped you off immediately. He's insecure. A true alpha male would give zero fucks if you found another guy. But he came crawling back out of insecurity. You can take advantage of it. When he texts you, say you're hanging out with a good friend and he's only in town for the night. Be less available. Flip through your phone and have your Tinder app visible so he sees it. When you two fuck, act like it was okay but imply that you've had better. Say stuff like "yeah, it was nice" and give a half-smile. Date other dudes who are bigger than him. The guy thinks he can have something on the side and you can't? No way. This will make him fear that you're getting it better from someone else. That's what he doesn't want, that's what will keep him competitive and trying to please you rather than you doing ALL the work. All of this massage and cook shit just spoils the dude and makes him take you for granted. Then he gets bored and fucks another chick. Then the other chick probably has guys on the side so he comes back to you as a security measure. Then he gets bored and the cycle repeats.

None of the shit I'm suggesting is healthy or productive for a healthy relationship. I'm just telling you how to keep him attracted. It's way too late for you guys to be a healthy couple and you'll just continue chasing this guy forever unless you realize you can get someone better for you and not have to deal with the bullshit. I typically like to remain somewhat of a challenge to girlfriends but not in this way because it's dysfunctional and leads to girls cheating or bailing out. You should be 95% happy and easy going and connected but there's always that underlying spark of attraction and alpha mentality that keeps things interesting and keeps the girl in line. Dudes like yours are way too selfish to actually work in a relationship and while you'll always keep chasing you'll never feel the pure happiness and bliss of being *deeply* in love with a good person who treats you well, but who is also alpha when necessary.

Again, do this shit at your own risk. I'd prefer that you be more mature and just cut all contact with this guy and find a superior partner.

_________________
You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Don't do any of this. He'll take every bit of it for granted and fuck chicks on the side. Guaranteed. The more it looks like you're going out of your way to please him, the further it will push him away. A guy like me or Hellhound would love all of this shit because most of the women we get are assumedly very physically attractive and have plenty of male options, thus they don't have to give massages or cook or do anything, thus we would really be attracted to a woman who did that. But since your dude has other options that he's emotionally hung up on, being super feminine and nurturing will actually work against you. You have to give less not more. And you have to always make him dread you've got one foot out the door for someone better.

_________________
You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.