Neo has it right. And again, this all comes back to you. Once you've put the focus on her you kinda lose yourself. You won't find the answers through her, as discomforting as that may be to read. The answers are within you, and I surmise you won't come to resolution until you search deeper within yourself to find it. It IS there.

At some point the frustration within you is going to reach a boiling point, which is a good thing. There's not a lot of conviction in your actions at the moment, and I don't fault you for that at all. At some point you'll be thinking "enough is enough" and take the power back for yourself and make a decision congruent with your needs. If she's unwilling or unable to meet those needs then you're best served cutting this adventure short and reclaiming the energy you've invested in this back for yourself.

I see where you are coming from, this would be my usual approach to just girls who i have been with for a few weeks and who live nearby. I think it was the fact that she is my longest gf for over a year and it's hard to just be a dick. So i tried the other approach mentioned in here, both have logic to them. I think your way sounds a bit like a similar situation on what shark would say when a girl shows lack of interest, not one because of a reason that makes her this way.

**Update**

Tonight I texted her and she was still like, can we just be friends etc... so i told her after valentines day. And she is saying we are not together but still being really chatty and she was really happy when i called her, but insists we are not together so i told her well if we are not together then we are fuck buddies.

I told her that I am going to see her next friday so she better be in, and shes saying maybe, its a possibility dont book any tickets yet though, so i said fine, but if your not there im camping in your garden till you get back and that means im going to have to shit in the garden aswell, so you may aswell save us both time and be in.

She was laughing calling me a dirty bastad etc... and I think shes open to the idea. The hard part is because we are so far away it is so easy just to think, oh fuck it, we live too far away whats the point.

But i told her im coming up as her bf, or fuck buddy, and i said we will see how it goes, and if it's not meant to be its not meant to be. I'm just going to get her horny and fuck her like a total porn star, hopefully that will work.

She's texting me now and seems to be alright, she also told me she loved me. So im just playing my usual self, being funny and in control of the situation now. Everythings been laid out on the table. And communication has been made. It just fucks me off that she keeps calling me her friends. But she even said tonight she is attracted to me and that there was nobody else, she just wants to work on herself now and do her college work, and just wants to be friends.

To be fair with me saying that i am going to see her next week and calling her my fuck buddy it seems like i am being the dominant one, and she does seem to be coming round to the idea, so was thinking about just keeping this up now for a few days until she accepts.

Why? I hate the way it ended with us last week, i planned out something for valentines day, and weve been together for a while. I could just not go and visit, but if she wants to end then so be it. But i was planning a week end there anyway and may aswell have a bit of fun, go to the cinema and bowling etc... with her... Aslong as she doesnt cancel on me. Is it worth it? I do like this girl, right now we are at different stages in our lives, but i have a good time with her. Will I be sad? Maybe a little, but the distance thing is annoying.

It is a hard one.

You're setting yourself up for failure.

She's stated clearly you two are friends. You're going to do 1 of 2 things:

1) ignore what she's telling you, and try to get her riled up in hopes that if the two of you have 'amazing' sex somehow she'll come running back to you

2) you hold the frame of friends only, and see how long you can endure it holding out on it turning into something more down the road

You've already decided on 1).

It won't change her mind, I can tell you this much. What it WILL do is solidify in her mind that she can have her cake and eat it too; in effect she can have your affections and attentions without the commitment of being in a partnership.
You will obsess over every little thing she says, and likely share it on here looking for validation that somehow there's going to be something more than just friends in how she responds to you. You'll end up getting more frustrated and hurt each time she reaffirms "friends only", and eventually feel spent - at which point hopefully you'll have learned your lesson, stopped settling for whatever scraps she dishes out your way, and move on.

Your best chance is actually staying true to the FRIENDS only frame. That means anything she initiates outside the bounds of friendship is off limits, and you'll be the one to throw that boundary up.

A third way - you want a relationship, she not wanting one (at least with you). Move on, endure some hard short term pain instead of the longer, more painful route.

Your choice. Whatever happens from here on out is your responsibility, so you can't be mad at her when things don't go your way.

If she is still playing the friends card and is not up for friends with benefits, which it seems like your not at all in the right frame of mind for, well then its time to move on. You expressed what you wanted and she seems to only want you as a friend, for whatever reason(it doesn't really matter at this point). Wish her the best (mean it) and move on.

I think I am thinking with my dick too much here. I would be happy with one last fuck and a good week end away. I know not to be frustrated because she may just not do anything, but i think she will be down for a break up fuck. She's not a bad girl so im not going to be a dick to her, and im going to keep a frame where im in control.

Thanks for your advice guys. I will let you know how it goes.

Seriously? What's 'one last fuck' going to do?

I think you've deluded yourself into thinking somehow if you can have sex with her one last time she'll snap out of it.

It's probably best you end it now if that's your game plan. That way you've already had time away from her and don't have to go down there for one last 'bang'/depressing weekend.

You aren't in control either, you want her and she's indicated she's not looking for a relationship with you. How is that being in control? You're taking the time to go to her. You've got this twisted, I have to be perfectly honest with you.

Dude, you are fucking right. Fuck her, its a waste of time me going up there. What the fuck am i thinking. One last fuck just to dump a load. I need a fucking slap. What should i do? Just text her and say, sorry babe, i cant make valentines day now because im going out with some friends? I need to finish like a man here. I'm being pathetic even thinking about going up there.

I just read this, this guy kept me going 3 years ago and I trust in him completely, what he says lines up more with you man than the other guy who was saying just go off. Always find him interesting.


"
LONG DISTANCE

On March 24, 2012 by Shark
The topic has been touched on in previous posts but seeing as how problems related to LDRs always seem to surface, a more thorough take on the topic seemed appropriate. An LDR for our purposes refers to any monogamous relationship where you and your girl are separated by an encumbering distance or any set of circumstances that keeps the both of you apart. This means it can be a relationship that was long-distance from the start, or a relationship that eventually progressed into an LDR due to choices that were made later on (perhaps you split for graduate school, work, or travel). Even if you’re currently not in a long distance relationship, I suggest you read this post as it’s likely you’ll come across a similar situation in the future and an understanding of its complexities (that are rather simple) will inevitably come to be useful.

While the differences in LDRs are obvious, their implications are often not. When you and your girlfriend are separated, most of the things you can do to preserve competitive anxiety and interest are moot. When you see her infrequently, it is seen as a result of being separated by distance, NOT as a result of you being busy or having other things to do. It does nothing for attraction if you have so much work that you would need to cancel on a date, because the opportunity to cancel or to be less available will never present itself. You cannot increase attraction as easily per say because she will never wonder “I haven’t seen him in a week?! What’s he up to?” She will attribute your absence to more practical reasons.

Now you may argue that you still COULD cancel on shit and be unavailable, by shaving off some opportunities to see her even when they are there, but then your game begins to skate on thin ice. Remember you CANNOT break too much rapport, or she will leave you anyways, blaming your lack of affection on the distance and seeing an exit out of the relationship as her best option. Women may not be the most logical of people, but their emotions are not one-dimensional. She may miss you more and more but at one point, her imperative to gain a certain amount of affection and approval WILL kick in, and she will either opt to date a more loving and available man or dump you out of sheer resentment.

Building competitive anxiety has the same problem. She will never “see” you talking to another girl or observe your suave-as-a-god Game in action; or at least she won’t see either too often. And if you HINT towards your ability to stray, you run the same risk isolated above.

The dilemma seems impossible to solve, but where there is game, there is always a way. You will recall from basic psychology that first impressions are EXTREMELY important on people. They establish the overruling filters that will be used to perceive all of your behavior in the future. They are VERY difficult to break, and one of the primary reasons why once you get LJBFed by a girl, it’s unlikely you’ll be getting out. And on the other hand, once you are perceived to be Alpha, a Halo effect takes place and all your rather dubious behavior somehow gets rationalized under a nonsensical light.

This idea, combined with women’s propensity to IMAGINE and constantly wonder “what’s my boyfriend doing?” or “what’s my husband thinking?” can be used to solve the problems inherent in every long distance relationship. Say you date her for 2 weeks and then she goes on a 2-month hiatus. Or say you’re only going to see her for a week and then be gone for a month. For that span of time, run game AS TIGHTLY as possible; while maintaining rapport. Unlike regular relationships where you can BREAK RAPPORT to build attraction, you must concentrate on building both simultaneously. So rather than making a blatantly exaggerated move on another girl w/ plausible deniability, you’ll want to perhaps just flirt with some or another to subtly indicate your abilities to be charismatic. Instead of negging your girlfriend hard or freezing her out, you’ll want to just tease her to innocently hint towards your higher status and playful/positive attitude.

Ultimately, the distance between you two can be morphed into an advantage. You only need to game tight for a short period of time, meaning you probably won’t regress into beta mode accidentally by being caught off guard. By only slightly flirting or teasing, you SUGGEST possibilities to her, and her imagination does the rest. You have LESS WORK cut out for you. Once you’re back at home, you don’t need to worry about constantly escalating secksual tension; you can focus instead on things you WANT to focus on like the gym or work. You pull smoothly and keep up a James Bond aura for 2 days, and she assumes for the rest of the month that your natural state is exactly that. She doesn’t see you back at home jerking off to fetish porn crying from secksual frustration.

Likewise, save vulnerability game for phone conversations. In a close relationship you can run vulnerability game face to face and quickly contrast it with a cocky/funny attitude or amusement; but in LDRs you run the same risk of leaving insecurity as your final impression. And better yet, the rush of rapport and special affection that comes with vulnerability game will give her something to sleep on during your time apart. So run it during one of those emotional phone conversations. And while you’re doing it, don’t be seen over a web cam. Let her wonder what you must look like “vulnerable” since she’s never seen it.

It is important then, that you also realize broken man game DOES NOT work, nor does trying to push/pull too hard. These are tactics for close relationships where you can push/pull to keep a girl floating between unconditional/conditional love. BUT if you use this in an LDR, you run the risk of keeping your push attitude AS THE LASTING impression on her. That’s not what you want. Your mercy and love must be equal to your wrath and apathy; she must be afraid to lose you, but not so much so that she doubts there’s any chance of keeping you.

So how do you handle shit tests and fights that occur when you see her? You’re not seeing her for a long time, so you can’t both be stubborn. But in this area, you MUST trust that you have enough attraction for her to come back to you. If she DOES NOT and still acts stubborn, the relationship must be dropped. You CANNOT give in thinking, “fuck this is my only chance at pussy, I need to apologize and take it.” That’s how secksually lacking relationships being their spiral, and it’s not the precedent you want between the two of you. Remember she can play the pussy card WAY TOO fucking easily in an LDR, which means you need to be all the more patient and dominant. Do not beg or supplicate for it. If you don’t like that you’re not getting any, go fuck another girl.

Seriously, go fuck another girl. LDRs are like any other relationship; you cannot be dependent on them. If you are unhappy with one, leave it. With an abundance mentality comes the realization that there is never a good enough reason, nor is it even plausible, for a man to entertain an LDR. The idea is perverse — attention without secks. A violation of what men are supposed to get out of a relationship. It’s exactly how Oneiteses start. She’s all you could get, so you latch onto her, and assume a long-distance relationship is your best option and she’s the best thing that ever happened in your life. It’s a difficult thing to admit, but most relationships are glued together by desperation rather than love. Which begs the question itself — is love not just a desperate need to possess?

The shortcoming on the men’s side of the dynamic, the fact that secks is much less present in long distance relationships, brings up another obvious flaw. You inevitably sub-communicate to a girl LESS value if you are willing to stay in a long-distance relationship. It sounds harsh, but it’s true for EVERY SINGLE long distance relationship. And the only way around it is the same one as above. Be Alpha. If you come from a position of above, your girlfriend thinks, “Oh, wow, I can’t believe I can get a guy like that to be willing to stay in a long distance relationship.” If you come from a position below, she thinks “mwahaha, what a fuckin loser, I’m probably all he can get.” She will neither consciously think of this or even be slightly aware of it; but that’s exactly what her hamster is thinking. She will reactively assume what she has been conditioned to think, that long-distance relationships are a sort of norm for young-age couples and that the obstacles present (like lack of secks) are good screens for “nice guys.”

The traps in long-distance relationships are amplified versions of the ones in regular relationships. Without a strong first impression, competitive anxiety will always be favored in her direction because you know she’ll be getting hit on no matter where she goes. If you give in to jealousy and beta backslide, expect a crushingly remorseful LJBF soon enough. From the girl’s perspective, an LDR is a “test” for her relationship. She wants you to be that egotistical cold/loving asshole, but it’s so easy for you to become that resentful beta that she immediately mirrors any loss of attraction as “I knew we couldn’t do it,” or “this was a bad idea.”

The two BIGGEST mistakes in LDRs are beta-backsliding because you can’t handle lack of secks / the anxiety that comes from distance (is she talking to other guys? WTF IS SHE DOING?! I’m gonna apologize, I need some fuckin poon) and your social conditioning. Remember that the cultural apparatus around you, with its emasculating dogma, has taught you to idolize a misplaced sense of loyalty. So you go and see your girlfriend for the first time after 3 months and what do you do? You make it a POINT to show her “look at me, I never talk to other girls or think about them, and you are the # 1 priority in my life. I would be willing to relocate for you.” They think their loyalties will be reciprocated with an equal amount of love, but instead, they establish the IMPRESSION of unconditional love which gets perpetuated by her imagination the entire 2 months that you’re gone and at the end of it, your left with an LJBF scribbled on a post-it and a sad story about how she made a “mistake” with another guy.

But fuck, we already know none of that glittery bullshit is true, and how it always ends up, right? That’s why we’re all here."



- Shark, SMGP

Your best option. One that will put you on the path of self-respect, healing, and moving FORWARD is the one with the least resistance.

"I respect your decision that we can only be friends. We are clearly looking for different things."


Here's the thing though, you can't use this as a tactic to get her to chase you, and ya it's possible she may make a u-turn because she doesn't seem to willing to let you go. But really, her holding onto you is selfish - what's in it for you? You guys talking on the phone, meeting up, pretending things are good and then what you're sit to wonder every time she peaks at her phone wondering if she's seeing someone else? That's torture. Why subject yourself to that sort of pain.

This has to come out of an energy that you are done, not for her benefit, NOT as a tactic/strategy to get her back - you've got NOTHING to prove to her, she's history-to-be. Once you do this you'll feel bitter sweet. Sad/sense of loss on the one hand but also sweet in the sense that she's no longer your responsibility, AND you've brought back some power to yourself (this is HUGE). This will help you heal and move forward, better than stagnating in this dead weight of a relationship that's no its way to NowheresVille.

I didn't read that article you posted, but if it resonates with you and helps you move forward than I'm all for it.

And ya, FIND SOMEBODY CLOSEBY.

I ended up going out Friday night, didn't really meet any girls but was totally willing and prepared to. Went out last night as well and had a look what is on offer but was only out for one. You know, even though I text my girl friend a few times the last couple of days, today i made no effort at all. She text me earlier so i just messaged back to be polite but was really blunt.

I do question myself, because after a relationship, which is obviously what a lot of people aim towards getting, when one is unsuccessful, was it a case of the distance? Or was I just not the guy I was when she irst met me.

At the moment I have put alot of weight on, been on some tablets that have made me have a short fuse and kinda got a bit boring as i hate my job and just dont want to drink. Is she just finding me less attractive? Who knows.

I am gutted about her still, she's beautiful, perfect body, and most of all she's just so fun and loving to be with. I guess we are just at different stages of our lives.

I think it's good for me though, tonight I got back in the gym and plan on going every day this week. Planned on meeting up with another girl soon and planning a trip to london next week end to see a friend instead of going to see her.